“Marriage Be Hard” offers a refreshing take on navigating the complexities of long-term relationships. Kevin and Melissa Fredericks dive deep into the nitty-gritty of marital challenges, serving up a delightful mix of humor, honesty, and practical advice. Their candid approach tackles tough topics head-on, making this book a must-read for couples seeking to strengthen their bond.
Ready to transform your relationship? Dive into this review and discover how the Fredericks’ insights can revitalize your marriage today.
Table of Contents
Genres
Self-help, Marriage, Comedy, Christian, Non-fiction, Memoir, Psychology, Personal Development, Communication Skills, Sex, Relationships, Humor, Family
“Marriage Be Hard” presents 12 essential conversations couples should have to maintain a healthy, thriving relationship. The Fredericks, drawing from their own experiences and struggles, cover topics like financial management, intimacy, parenting, and personal growth. They emphasize the importance of open communication, mutual respect, and shared laughter in overcoming marital hurdles.
Each chapter focuses on a specific conversation, blending personal anecdotes with practical advice. The book addresses common issues such as dealing with in-laws, maintaining individuality within the partnership, and navigating cultural differences. The Fredericks don’t shy away from discussing their own marital challenges, including Kevin’s struggle with pornography and Melissa’s journey to self-discovery.
The authors stress the significance of continual learning and adaptation in marriage. They encourage readers to embrace vulnerability, practice forgiveness, and prioritize their relationship amidst life’s demands. Throughout the book, humor serves as a tool for both entertainment and tackling difficult subjects, making the content relatable and digestible.
Review
“Marriage Be Hard” stands out in the crowded field of relationship advice books with its unique blend of humor, authenticity, and practical wisdom. The Fredericks’ approach feels like a conversation with close friends, making complex relationship concepts accessible to a wide audience.
The book’s strength lies in its honesty. By sharing their personal struggles, the authors create a safe space for readers to reflect on their own relationships without judgment. This vulnerability establishes credibility and fosters a connection with the audience.
The 12-conversation structure provides a clear roadmap for couples to follow, making it easy to implement the advice in real life. Each chapter ends with thought-provoking questions, encouraging readers to apply the concepts to their own relationships.
While the book is rooted in Christian values, its principles are universally applicable. The Fredericks strike a balance between faith-based insights and secular advice, making the content relevant to a diverse readership.
The use of humor throughout the book is particularly effective. It not only makes the reading experience enjoyable but also demonstrates how laughter can diffuse tension in relationships. However, some readers might find certain jokes miss the mark or detract from serious topics.
One potential drawback is the book’s focus on heterosexual marriages, which may limit its relevance for LGBTQ+ couples. Additionally, some readers might wish for more in-depth exploration of certain topics.
Despite these minor limitations, “Marriage Be Hard” offers valuable insights for couples at any stage of their relationship. Its blend of entertainment and practical advice makes it a standout resource for those seeking to strengthen their partnership through honest communication and shared growth.
Introduction: A guide to communicating effectively with your partner
Marriage Be Hard (2022) offers advice on how to effectively communicate important topics with your partner. Chronicling the ups and downs of the authors’ own marriage, it shows how to form loving, lasting relationships.
Everyone has their picture-perfect view of what a marriage should be like. You might think that because you found your person or married your best friend, you two will know exactly what the other is thinking and feeling at all times. That’s what the Hollywood version of marriage looks like, anyway.
But maybe you’ve found that, despite being in a beautiful union of two people who care for each other, marriage isn’t exactly as smooth and easy as others made it out to be. That’s because marriage takes hard work. And it’s hard work that never really ends.
Too often, we expect an immediate happily-ever-after once we’ve tied the knot. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The hard work is just getting started. And the key to this hard work comes down to one thing: communication.
In this summary to Kevin and Melissa Fredericks’ Marriage Be Hard, we’ll discuss the importance of having “constant, honest conversations” – and dive into the various ways communication is essential for maintaining any healthy relationship.
Marriage Be Hard is organized into twelve different conversations, but in this summary we’ll cover just three topics – expectations, sex, and marital roles. Anyone in a committed relationship can use these insights to gain a better understanding of how to communicate effectively with their partner.
So with that, let’s get into it!
Expectations can spell trouble
Everyone has expectations when it comes to relationships – and these expectations can have a negative impact if they’re not communicated properly.
What kind of expectations are we talking about, exactly? Well, if you took the more traditional approach of not living together before tying the knot, for instance, you’re in for a surprise: dating and marriage are two different things. We typically find ourselves on our best behavior when we date – but marriage is a whole different story. When you and your partner are finally living together, you’ll get a crash-course in all of their vulnerabilities and quirks.
If you don’t clearly communicate with your partner, you might end up expecting one thing while they expect another. This is especially true if you and your partner aren’t necessarily compatible – which Kevin and Melissa Fredericks say isn’t required in a relationship.
Opposites attract – or so the saying goes, right? Maybe you have a Type A personality, and your partner is Type B. Or you like going out and they like staying in. Or you like dressing up, and they like wearing casual and comfy clothes.
Prioritizing time to check in with your partner is what will help you continue to build and maintain your relationship. There are three important questions that you should discuss with your partner when it comes to checking in on expectations:
First, Were there any assumptions that you brought into your marriage or relationship?
Second, Has your marriage or relationship lived up to your expectations?
And third, What about your marriage or relationship is better than you thought it would be?
While it differs for everybody, a couple of the most common expectations people have revolve around sex and marital roles. We’ll discuss each of those in more detail in the next sections.
Communicating sexual desires
Sex. There’s a lot to talk about – in fact, it’s probably one of the relationship areas that requires the most communication. That’s because our wants and needs are often drastically different from our partners’. And if you don’t discuss these things, how will you know each other’s desires? These kinds of conversations are tough and can seem awkward at first, but it’s important to have them all the same.
Many individuals, including Melissa and Kevin, are raised with a stigma around sex. In their case, they knew they wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. But their conversation had always been focused on that part – they’d never been told what to do after they were married. This created a lot of unhealthy expectations on the individual level, and as a couple.
For instance, Melissa had the expectation that she would immediately be comfortable with sex and her own sexuality once she consummated her relationship. She found that this wasn’t the case – she continued to feel insecure for a long time after.
Her husband, on the other hand, thought that once they had sex for the first time, he could expect sex all the time – which also wasn’t true. This ended up creating a need for communication between the two.
One had a high sex drive, while the other’s was lower. When this is the case, the higher-desire individual may feel personally offended when their sexual advances are turned down.
Melissa describes several recurring instances where this happened between her and Kevin. Her advice? If your desire is lower, be open about it – and make sure your significant other understands it’s nothing personal. You might be wildly attracted to your partner; that doesn’t mean the sexual desire is always going to be there.
She also suggests trying to get comfortable having sex sometimes, even if you aren’t really in the mood. Don’t force yourself, but keep an open mind. If you let your lack of spontaneous sexual thoughts take over, you might end up putting off sex indefinitely – which could harm your relationship in the long run.
Fulfilling marital roles
Having expectations on marital roles – or the roles each person fulfills in a relationship – without having an open discussion about them can be damaging.
Traditional marital roles portray women as the ones who stay home and take care of the house and kids while the husband goes out and works. These roles have become a little more equal in modern times, but many people still live with the expectation that they already know who will do what and where.
This typically becomes a point of discussion when kids come into question. Someone has to take care of the kids while the other works. Or maybe both partners prioritize working.
Before they had children, for instance, Melissa and Kevin both worked nine-to-five jobs. On the side, Kevin pursued his dream of being a comedian. He always felt like it was his duty as a man to provide for and support his family. Melissa, however, saw herself as a realist while Kevin was the dreamer. She wanted security in case his dream didn’t work out, so she also worked – which he took personally.
Once their children came into the picture, their support for each other changed. Melissa wasn’t able to attend Kevin’s rehearsals as much. She was working an 8-hour job, picking up the kids from daycare, and coming home to cook dinner.
This created some resentment in the relationship. Kevin felt like Melissa no longer supported him, while Melissa felt like he had all this flexibility to do whatever he wanted.
When children enter the equation, it can shift a relationship into new territory – it’s no longer just you and your partner. Kevin and Melissa eventually realized that in this new context, it would have been extra helpful to communicate their marital roles. Expressing their feelings was essential in understanding their own marital roles and reconnecting with each other.
Melissa says, “Our communication around Kev’s career was lacking. We could have, and should have, been more deliberate about taking the journey together, about dreaming together and celebrating the wins.”
So sit down with your partner and discuss what’s important to both of you. Discuss how you’ll each support your family – and how you’ll remain connected with one another when life gets in the way.
Summary
We all have expectations about what we want out of marriage, which are often informed by what we’ve experienced or been taught in the past. But expectations can have a detrimental impact on marriage, especially when it comes to sex and marital roles. Expressing your feelings, and talking about your expectations on a continual basis, is critical in maintaining a healthy relationship.
After all, marriage isn’t easy work. Just because you married your best friend, the person you love the most, does not mean you two will know what the other is always thinking. Constant communication is the key to staying in touch with each other – and with reality.
Kevin Fredericks is an NAACP Image Award–nominated comedian, the founder of KevOnStage Studios, and a superstar on social media. His work and commentary have been featured by Good Morning America, Complex, Ebony, Newsweek, The Daily Beast, and MSNBC.
Melissa Fredericks is a Los Angeles–based influencer dedicated to helping women become the best versions of themselves through honesty, transparency, and vulnerability. Together, she and Kevin are the founders of The Love Hour, a podcast that has been downloaded millions of times.
Kevin and Melissa Fredericks are two social media influencers who have been married for nearly two decades. They cohost The Love Hour podcast. Marriage Be Hard, a New York Times best seller, is their first book.
Table of Contents
Introduction vii
1 Expectations Be Hard 3
2 Communication Be Hard 18
3 Sex Be Hard 50
4 Jealousy Be Hard 77
5 Marital Roles Be Hard 92
6 Fidelity Be Hard 108
7 Fighting Be Hard 124
8 Parenting Be Hard 143
9 Quarantine Be Hard 156
10 Divorce Be Hard 169
11 Self-Worth Be Hard: A Love Letter from Melissa to You 182
12 Lessons from Eighteen Years of Marriage 198
Notes 229