Summary: Best Self Be You, Only Better by Mike Bayer

Embark on a transformative journey with Mike Bayer’s “Best Self,” a book that empowers you to unlock your full potential and live a life of fulfillment. Discover actionable steps to shed limiting beliefs and embrace a positive change.

Ready to redefine your life? Keep reading to uncover the secrets to becoming your Best Self and take the first step towards a remarkable transformation.

“Best Self” by Mike Bayer is a self-help guide that encourages readers to become the hero of their own story. The book provides practical advice on how to be honest with oneself, identify the toxic anti-self, and embrace the traits of the best possible version of oneself. Bayer offers a blueprint for personal growth, exploring the significance of one’s best self and the power of honesty to overcome fear. The book includes a personalized plan for transformation, emphasizing emotional intelligence and the importance of nurturing one’s emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual pillars.

Genres

Relationships, Personal Development, Self Help, Love and Romance, Happiness, Parenting, Psychology, Inspirational, Philosophy, Health, Science, Business, Self-Esteem, Motivational

Review

Mike Bayer’s “Best Self” is a well-received book that serves as a toolkit for personal transformation. It is praised for its practical exercises and insightful advice, helping readers to overcome obstacles and unlock their full potential. However, some critiques point to the health chapter as untrustworthy and the ending as predictable. Despite this, the book’s interactive approach and focus on the Seven SPHERES of life make it a valuable resource for those seeking to ignite a desire for change.

Your best self knows how to take advantage of what the world has to offer — and it has the most to offer the world. If you aren’t guided by passion or living according to your highest values, then you haven’t even begun to access the best self that lies within you. “Best Self” is your guide to uncovering what defines the most excellent version of your personality. By combing through your values and unlocking your passion, you can become the person you’ve always known you could be.

How to let your authentic passion lead you to your best life.

READ THIS BOOK SUMMARY IF YOU:

• Feel that your life is out of sync with your true passion
• Are ready to acknowledge what’s keeping your life from being all that it could be
• Want a personalized plan for aligning your life with your real values.

Best Self (2019) is a self-help manual for everyone who’s sick of simply surviving and is ready to start thriving. Life coach Mike Bayer argues that it’s essential to dump your toxic anti-self and put your best self in the driver’s seat. It’s not easy, but it’s possible – just ask the thousands of clients whose lives have been changed by Bayer’s insistence that they start being honest with themselves and learn to face down their deepest fears. Packed full of actionable tips and insights, these summary will help you do just that.

Introduction

If your life isn’t on a path that you’ve chosen based on your passion, how can you expect to feel fulfilled? A day when you’re committed to a job you don’t really care about is a day when your chances of happiness are totally shot.

However, most people spend their lives dedicated to work or relationships that they’ve found themselves in arbitrarily because they fear what following their real passion would mean, haven’t done the work to discover what their passion is, or simply have never been told that following their passion is allowed. But you can never be fulfilled by a life you didn’t choose based on the depths of your values.

Listening to your true values is a lifelong process because your passion may change as you grow. Living in alignment with your values means allowing yourself to change — and change passionately. The results of those changes are not what matters; what matters is that you’re spending every day committed to listening to your true self. It’s totally allowed, and it’s the only way you can find fulfillment and offer your best self to the world.

Guarantee you’re paving the way for your best self by never losing sight of your seven “SPHERES”:

1. Social: How do you spend your social time, and how skilled are you at communicating and listening?
2. Personal: What is your relationship with the voice in your head? Is the voice a tyrant, a brat, or a good coach?
3. Health: Are you standing in your own way by keeping your body in suboptimal shape? If you’re living in a body that feels like your anti-self, you’re not giving yourself a chance to be your best self.
4. Education: Be a lifelong learner but be exclusive about what you learn. Only develop interests that genuinely excite you and don’t bother with information you don’t really care about.
5. Relationships: Be authentic by being crystal clear about your values and representing your values honestly in all your relationships.
6. Employment: Don’t settle for a job that doesn’t make use of your best talents. Instead, find a job that makes you proud and work with people you enjoy.
7. Spiritual development: Get to the core of what your spiritual beliefs are, rigorously incorporate those beliefs and practices into your life, and watch yourself become more generous, joyful, and appreciative.

Discovering Your Best Self Versus Your Anti-Self

Everybody’s best self will be different, but there are certain traits that are universal. For example, you won’t find cruelty in your best self. Cruel people aren’t simply “being honest;” they are disconnected from their authentic care for other people.

In that spirit, it’s time to establish a few of the required traits you’ll need to truly find and become your best self. The first and foremost is a kind inner voice. You must be a good friend to yourself if you’re going to complete this journey. The way to foster that voice is congruent with the exercises you’re going to use to create your best self. Get a journal and write down your thoughts and progress using a few of these exercises:

1. Write down your traits. Who do you believe you already are? What are the best of those traits? Circle the most important traits and use them for the next step.
2. Create your best self. Name it. Draw a picture of it. One rockstar completing this process named his best self “Ralph” and drew a picture of it as a friendly mouse. Describe your best self to the best of your ability.
3. Write a gratitude list. It’s important to keep gratitude at the forefront of your mind. What you’re grateful for is a good indicator of what your real values are and will give you the strength to keep going.

After drafting a version of your best self, it’s important to do the inverse and discover your “anti-self.” Try this exercise:

1. Discover your anti-self. Write a list of all your worst traits (most people find this exercise less difficult than writing a list of their positive traits). Put those adjectives together into a portrait of a single character: your anti-self. It’s okay to create more than one anti-self. For example, you might name your jealous self a different name than your angry one.
2. Describe five situations in which your anti-self was in control.
3. Describe those five situations again, but as if your best self had been in control instead.

Your Unique Journey

Before you go any further, it’s important that you adopt five qualities on your journey that are crucial if you want to undergo real change. Those qualities are:

• Curiosity
• Honesty
• Openness
• Willingness
• Focus

Without these qualities, there is no way you’ll get a clear image of what you want or be able to put in the work that will push you towards your goal. You must be curious about the truth, and you must be able to express it. You must be open to the changes you might discover, and you must be willing to move forward. And you must not get distracted.

Rate yourself. Write down each of those qualities and give yourself a rating for each on a scale from one to 10. Be honest.

Then, it’s time to consider your obstacles. Fear is often the thing that stands in the way of being your best self. But although it can be persuasive, fear is often a misguided emotion. It’s time to put your fears to the test so you can clearly identify their sources and how useful they are.

First, list your fears. Then, ask these questions of each one:

1. Is the fear factually true?
2. Does the fear serve your best interest?
3. Does the fear generate progress toward a healthy goal?

SPHERES

These seven “SPHERES” can help you pave the way for your best self.

Your social life

Much of your happiness depends on the quality of your social life. For that reason, you’ll need to look at the way you spend your time socializing. Rate your effectiveness in these social situations:

1. Sending clear messages
2. Listening
3. Giving and receiving feedback
4. Handling emotional interactions

After you’ve reflected on your abilities, ask yourself how you can make your social life the best it can be. What do you need to stop doing in social situations, and what do you need to start doing? What should you continue to do?

Your personal life

To be the best you can be for other people, you must first cultivate the best possible relationship with yourself. This means you need to take a hard listen to the voice in your head. Here are some questions to consider.

1. What do you say to yourself on a normal day? When you speak to yourself about your appearance, what words do you use? What about your intelligence, or your self-worth?
2. What do you say to yourself when you’re under pressure?
3. Looking back over your answers, what patterns can you find in your internal dialogue? What is the general tone you speak to yourself in?
4. Do you tend to focus on things you can control? Or do you fixate and blame yourself for things you never had control over in the first place?

Once you have a good idea of how you’re treating yourself in your own mind, take steps to improve this relationship. Your mind should treat you like a good coach; this requires self-care and self-love. Find times to foster your relationship with yourself using positive affirmations.

Your health

On the way to becoming your best self, it’s easy to forget about the vital importance of your physical health. If your body isn’t working at its best, your mind won’t be either. Your perception of yourself is significantly affected by the state of your body. One man described how, after years of being overweight, he couldn’t escape the idea that he was the living incarnation of his worst self.

Health doesn’t just concern weight. Smoking, not exercising, and other bad habits deteriorate your health. With the peace of mind that comes with a healthy body, you’ll be more likely to access your best self.

Your education

Being a lifelong learner is a profound gift, but one of the biggest mistakes you can make as a student of the world is to feel obligated to learn any subject that comes your way. Don’t make this mistake. Ensure that you’re only learning subjects that connect to your heart. If you love what you’re learning, it won’t become a duty, and you’ll meet less resistance. Ask yourself what you really want to learn, and what’s keeping you from learning it now.

Your relationships

To truly connect with other people, you need to be as authentically yourself as possible and be crystal clear about your values. What are your most important values? Which did you get from your family, and can you really consider them your own? Are these values shared in your important relationships?

Try to seek out people with similar values, or at least refuse to surrender yours for somebody else’s. Only the “real you” can forge real relationships. Carry your values into your family life, romantic life, and social life.

Your employment

Many people are stuck in jobs that don’t speak to their best self. Are you one of these people? Here are some obvious signs your best self and your job are not in alignment:

1. People at your workplace avoid you.
2. You don’t feel like you can be honest at work.
3. You never get promoted.
4. You feel no pride in doing a good job.
5. You’re exhausted at the end of every day.
6. You’re bored.
7. Your best talents are not being used.

If these things are true for you, something needs to change. The tricky thing is that sometimes, it’s the job that needs to change, and sometimes, it’s you. Ask yourself honestly if you’re being a good employee. Count three times in the last month that you’ve loved your job. Are there ways you could guarantee more of those moments? Are there old habits you could break or new habits you could build that would allow your best self to come out at work?

If not, then you need to take the brave leap of finding a new way to earn a living. With a choice this risky, don’t skimp on the work you need to do to find what your real passion is. You should also ask yourself about your relationship to money — if you’re making enough and if you’re on-track to meet your financial goals — and what needs to happen for you to feel fully satisfied in your work life.

Don’t be afraid of the period of unemployment that might follow this process. Once you have become your best self, you’ll be an ideal candidate for the jobs that you’ve chosen to apply to because of your true passion. Be honest in your application, and you and your dream job will be a natural pair.

Your spiritual development

Next, examine your spiritual history. Did you inherit your beliefs from your parents? Did you reject their religion? It’s crucial to realize that spirituality isn’t necessarily religion, and you’ll need to strip away all the aspects of your spirituality that you don’t take seriously until you get the core of what you really believe. That essence of your spirituality will be far more powerful than any of the additional components that have complicated your spiritual life.

Once you’re in touch with the core of what you really believe, create an intention for your spiritual life. What do you want to get out of your beliefs, and how do you want them to show themselves in your day?

Here are just a few things that a healthy spirituality will bring into your life:

1. Ample quiet: You find moments of solitude to reflect and a respite from the noise of the world.
2. Spiritual awareness: You track the signs life is sending your way, leading you to opportunities you wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.
3. A shared spiritual journey: This will enhance your relationships with others.
4. Generosity: You recognize that the act of giving is a gift to yourself.

Assembling Your Best Team

The first thing you need to know is that you deserve to have a life populated by wonderful people. Too many people settle for mediocre friends because, at their core, they believe they don’t deserve better. But your life is full of many different kinds of individual connections, and it’s easy to imagine that your only duty is to make sure you have a good circle of friends and a good romantic partner. Expand your thinking. You shouldn’t settle for a doctor you don’t feel great about. You don’t need teachers you hate. You shouldn’t have a priest you don’t look up to.

It’s a good idea to rate your team. Examine what your team looks like in each SPHERES category. Once you’ve set yourself on course for gathering the perfect team, don’t forget the other side of the coin: You need to make sure that you are also a valuable member of your team. Are you giving your teammates as much as they’re giving you?

Few people are taught how to be their best selves, but you can start by defining your authentic self.

“You’re unique.” It’s a line you’ve probably heard a million times, but have you ever let it sink in? Nobody on Earth will know what it’s like to walk in your shoes. Every thought, experience and feeling you have is yours alone; there’s never been, and will never be, another you!

Chances are, however, that you were never taught how to be your best self. You entered the world as a blank slate which your parents filled with their own failings and hang-ups. Then came school. Sure, you learned all sorts of things, but what about connecting with who you really are? It’s pretty much the most important skill in the world, but you won’t find it on any curriculum.

The result is that we often end up leading lives which feel a little off. There’s a vague sense we’re not being our true selves, but we’re not sure what to do about it. So how do you become yourself?

Here’s how the author breaks it down. We all have two types of self: a positive best self – the person you’d like to be more often – and a negative anti-self which stops you being that person. The key is to learn to tell which self is in control. The best way to do that is to flesh out these characters and give them recognizable attributes.

Let’s start with the best self.

On a piece of paper, write down all of your positive traits: the things you admire most about yourself but don’t always act upon. Think of adjectives like “friendly,” “logical” or “brave.” That might be hard – after all, it’s much easier to criticize than praise yourself – but stick with it.

Next, put a face to that bundle of attributes. Does your best self have a specific gender? Is it an animal or mythical creature? What’s its superpower? The author’s, for example, is a wise wizard called Merlin while one of his clients has an upbeat squirrel called Ralph!

Once you’ve settled on your best self’s appearance and character, you’ll want to sketch it. Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. The important thing is to have a representation to hang somewhere in your home to remind yourself of who you want to be.

Next, we’ll take a closer look at your best self’s nemesis: the anti-self.

Identifying your anti-self will help you get your negative traits under control.

Have you ever seen someone absolutely lose it while driving? Road rage causes a remarkable Jekyll and Hyde transformation: the kindest, most considerate people in the world suddenly turn into raging road hogs screaming at everyone around them.

That’s a pretty good example of someone’s anti-self taking control. It’s the part of your personality that responds to situations in the worst possible way, especially when triggers remind you of old wounds and fears.

Take the author’s friend Suzanne. She named her anti-self Road Rage Regina. What provoked Regina most were traffic jams on her daily commute. The reason? When she was in high school, Suzanne missed a lot of classes due to illness and spent months desperately struggling to catch up. Being out of control and worrying about being late for work triggered that old anxiety.

The good news is that getting a clear idea of your anti-self gives you a much better chance of predicting when it’s likely to rear its ugly head. Think back to the last time you acted in a way that later made you think “wow, I really lost it back there.” Maybe you had an argument with a sibling, say, and hung up the phone.

What you need to do is write down everything you don’t like about your behavior when your anti-self is in charge. Use negative adjectives like “careless,” “irrational” or “angry” to fill your list. Push past any sense of shame. Things look a lot scarier when they’re lurking in the shadows, so think of this as taking a flashlight to the problem.

Now repeat what you did with your best self: put a name and a face to it! Remember, this is an exaggerated version of yourself, so don’t be afraid to make this character cartoonish. In fact, the more ridiculous your portrait, the easier it’ll be to remember the behavior you want to avoid in the future.

Think of five recent situations when your anti-self was in control. Write down how it behaved and then compare it to what your best self would’ve done. Keeping that in mind will help you step back and make better decisions when you’re triggered rather than simply losing it. You might find this tough at first, but with practice, it can become second nature.

Fear is the enemy of your best self but it can be conquered with honesty.

Becoming your best self is a journey. That means you’ll face obstacles along the way. If you want to reach your destination, you’ll need to avoid potholes and other hazards. And the biggest obstacle you’ll encounter is fear.

The best way to overcome it? Face up to it and be honest with yourself.

Remember, fear is a habitual liar. It whispers in your ear that you’re not good enough or that other people are judging you. Eventually, you end up with an entirely distorted view of the world and waste precious time and brainpower mulling over what-ifs. That means you’ll become so consumed by worries about hypotheticals that you won’t get anything positive done.

But here’s the good news: there are a couple of simple strategies to put your fears into perspective. The first step is to identify them. Grab a pen and write out this question: “What are the fears that have held me back from making changes to my life?” Take a close look at your answers – is there an overarching theme? Are you terrified of failure, for example, or what people think about you?

Now you’re ready for the next step: putting your fears to the test. Like any other muscle, the brain can be trained. Negative thinking, however, usually means that you’re focusing on fear, rather than solutions. What you need is an action plan to beat fear, and here’s how.

Jot down these three headings: “My fear is,” “It’s keeping me from” and “My plan to stop my fear becoming reality is.” So, say you’d love to quit your job and set up your own business but the prospect of financial ruin is holding you back. One solution would be to put enough money away to tide you over for six months and only quitting your job once you’ve saved that amount.

Another great tool is visualization. Next time fear raises its ugly head, try out this technique. Close your eyes and imagine putting all of your anxieties into a massive cardboard box. Now shrink that box in your mind’s eye until it fits into the palm of your hand. Finally, picture yourself hurling that negative package into a deep, dark canyon and savor the feeling of relief that washes over you as you watch it drop out of sight.

Socializing is great for your well-being, and it’s something you can learn.

So far we’ve explored the internal part of your journey toward your best self. But what about your relationships with others? After all, as the English poet John Donne once wrote, “no man is an island.” In this book summary, we’ll take a closer look at your social life, starting with why socializing is so important in the first place.

All evidence points to the idea that socializing is great for your body and soul. Take a study carried out at the University of Michigan in 2008. It found that social interaction is basically like taking your brain to the gym. In other words, it’s one of the best ways of keeping your cognitive capacities in top shape. Then there’s the 2008 Gallup-Healthways survey of 140,000 Americans, which showed that people were happiest on days when they’d spent between six and seven hours socializing.

That goes to show how important it is to build time for friends and family into your schedule. But you shouldn’t just be hanging out with people you already know. According to the author, there’s nothing more stimulating than getting out there and making friends. After all, that’s when you’re most likely to pick up new ideas. Inspiration isn’t likely to strike when sitting alone on your couch!

So there’s the evidence, but here’s the rub: few of us are natural-born social butterflies and lots of us find socializing, particularly with people we don’t know, pretty awkward. Luckily, there are a couple of tricks you can start using today to help you socialize next time you find yourself at a gathering.

One of the most common problems people face is struggling to find something to say. That’s easy to remedy: you just need to prepare yourself by thinking over some of the things you’ve recently learned or experienced. That takes the pressure off to come up with something on the spot and gives you a nice conversation opener.

Paying attention to small details also makes a huge difference. Asking questions and listening attentively encourages people to open up.

Then there’s also body language. It’s estimated that nonverbal cues account for a good 70 percent of all communication, so standing up straight, keeping your arms unfolded and making eye contact are great ways of showing that you’re present and engaged.

If you want to help others, you need to make sure you’re helping yourself.

A lot of your most important relationships put you in the role of a carer, nurturer and helper. Looking out for others is a key part of becoming your best self. But that’s only going to happen if you’re taking care of yourself. Fail to do that and you just won’t have the physical or emotional energy to be useful to anyone.

Self-care, in other words, isn’t selfish – it’s what allows you to give to others! That means it’s vital to learn how to manage the stress and hustle-bustle of everyday life. Let’s take a look at some tools you can use to keep yourself healthy and well-balanced.

One technique the author swears by is mindful breathing. One of the first things that happens when you’re feeling overwhelmed is that your breathing becomes more rapid. Stepping back and taking three or four deep breaths is a great way to calm your stressed-out mind and put things back into perspective.

Another great stress buster is exercise. Aim to spend at least 20 to 30 minutes each day working out. That can mean a brisk walk around the block, a bike ride or a session in the gym – the key is to take your mind off things and get your blood pumping.

Next on the list? Sleep. A good night’s rest is essential for your cognitive performance, so make sure you’re getting at least six hours of shut-eye every night. Keep your bedtime regular and avoid eating just before sleep.

You also need passions to make your life meaningful and joyous. Whether it’s painting or baking, hobbies allow you to express your love of the world. But it’s easier said than done when you’ve got a job, chores and kids, right?

Well, sure, finding time is tricky, but it can be done – just ask the author’s high-flying clients who regularly grind out long days in the office but still find time to pursue their interests. The best way of finding out where to fit your hobby in your everyday life is to ask yourself what it is that stops you from, for example, learning Italian or taking a walk in the park. Could you cut down on TV time or use your commute to listen to an audio course?

Dispelling commonplace myths will help you enjoy better, more intimate relationships.

How many times have you heard someone explain away their rocky relationships by saying “it’s complicated”? It’s a common enough phrase, but it’s downright misleading. The truth is that many of the issues you’ll face in your relationships come down to a pretty simple issue: unrealistic expectations.

It’s not surprising that so many of us have such misguided views. We’re constantly bombarded by idealized depictions of love in movies, commercials and music. Just think of the standard summer blockbuster: there’ll usually be plenty of romance and passion but very little of the bad moods, midlife crises and rough patches which are part and parcel of long-term relationships.

So let’s dispel a couple of myths that get in the way of you living your best life within your relationship, starting with the idea that a great relationship requires great romance. To put it bluntly, that’s a recipe for disappointment: constantly being swept off your feet just isn’t sustainable in the long run.

Remember, there’s a difference between falling in love and being in love. Over time, the excitement that defined the first moments of your relationship gives way to something more realistic. That doesn’t mean that something’s wrong: it just means you’ve entered a new stage in your relationship which is all about a deeper sense of connection.

Myth number two holds that great relationships are always harmonious. But in fact, arguing is a perfectly normal part of life as a couple. Even the healthiest partners fight, and it can actually strengthen their bond. After all, sometimes you need to release built up-tension. The key is to learn to argue the right way.

Remember your anti-self? When arguing, you’ll want to make sure your best self is firmly in the driving seat. When tensions rise, take a deep breath and ask yourself what your best self would do rather than letting the anti-self take charge. Here are a couple of tips to help you keep things measured.

First off, keep calm and don’t raise your voice. Yelling won’t help your partner hear your argument! It’s also a good idea to show you’re listening and to make an effort to emphasize the things you agree on. So, if it’s true, tell them you understand their point of view. Also, don’t walk away from the issue; even if you can’t resolve it right away, make sure to end the conflict by finding a workable compromise.

Conclusion

After an in-depth inquiry into your SPHERES, it should be much easier for you to establish your goals. Check in with your best self model and make sure your goals are in line with it. And while you make your goals, make sure they’re measurable and within your control. Perhaps most importantly, establish a plan to actually achieve them. Give yourself a timeline and understand that a goal is established in steps, not all at once. Have patience, build momentum, and finally, keep yourself accountable.

The universe wants you to be your best self because, in addition to it serving you in your own life, finding your best self also guarantees that you’re offering the universe the most that you can give. You do this work not only for yourself but also for everyone who stands to gain from your generosity. Align yourself with your deepest values, hone your skills, populate your life with the kinds of habits and people who inspire you, and then offer yourself to life.

The key message in this book summary:

Being your best self is the most important thing we’ll ever learn, but it’s rarely taught. Neither schools nor parents really ever show us how to really be ourselves. Later on in life, we often find ourselves adrift – getting by and surviving, but rarely really thriving. But it doesn’t have to that way. By recognizing your best self and anti-self, overcoming your fears, learning to socialize more, taking care of yourself and banishing unrealistic expectations from your relationships, you can get past some of the most common obstacles to being your best self.

Actionable Advice:

Integrate “quiet time” into your weekly schedule.

Have you ever wondered why people chant “om” when they meditate? Focusing their minds on that repetitive syllable helps them drown out distracting thoughts and worries that go with the hustle and bustle of modern life. You don’t have to take up meditation to put that idea to good use, though. The key is to find a quiet moment at least once a week in which you can simply be. Your quiet time doesn’t have to literally be quiet – in fact, some people find that listening to their favorite music with the volume turned up helps them to center themselves. If that doesn’t work for you, how about simply spending quality time gazing at your favorite painting or breathing mindfully?

About the author

Mike Bayer is the founder and CEO of CAST Centers, a mental health and addiction treatment network. Before CAST, he received his Bachelor of Science in Alcohol and Drug Counseling from Metropolitan State University in Minneapolis-Saint Paul, Minnesota and was a California Certified Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor and Board Registered Interventionist. He’s appeared on television numerous times, including as a regular contributor on Dr. Phil.

Table of Contents

Foreword ix
Introduction 1
1 Discovering Your Best Self 19
2 Understanding Your Anti-Self 43
3 Your Unique Journey: The Best Self Tenets of Change 63
4 Identifying Your Obstacles 81
5 The SPHERES: Your Social Life 107
6 The SPHERES: Your Personal Life 129
7 The SPHERES: Your Health 159
8 The SPHERES: Your Education 183
9 The SPHERES: Your Relationships 199
10 The SPHERES: Your Employment 237
11 The SPHERES: Your Spiritual Development Life 259
12 Assembling Your Best Team 281
13 Seven Steps for Acquiring Your Best Self Goals 303
Conclusion 329
Acknowledgments 335