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Book Summary: No More Mr. Nice Guy – A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life

Social changes over the last several decades have conditioned men to repress who they are. It has taught them to be agreeable, approval-seeking “nice guys” who believe that they have to be understanding, generous, and kind in order to be accepted. But Dr. Robert Glover, a certified marriage and family therapist, disagrees. In this book summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy, you’ll learn how to identify your own needs, decide what you want, and assert yourself so that you can live a more satisfying life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy (2000) is the Nice Guy’s guide to recovery. Learn how to stop seeking the approval of others, live your life the way you want to, and ultimately get the love, life, and sex that you crave but that your Nice Guy Syndrome actually stops you from achieving.

Learn to take control of your life by pleasing the person who matters most: you.

READ THIS BOOK SUMMARY IF YOU:

  • Want to learn how to be more assertive and confident
  • Need to know how to prioritize your own needs
  • Feel trapped in unfulfilling sexual patterns

Introduction

Do you avoid conflict, try to please others, and worry about what people think of you? Do you feel best when you know that people approve of you? Do you want women to believe you are different than other men? If so, you might be a Nice Guy — and it’s time to stop believing the myth that being passive and pleasing others will make you happy. It won’t.

Book Summary: No More Mr. Nice Guy - A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life

When you’re a Nice Guy, it’s difficult to get your needs met, because you’re trying so hard to ignore them — and eventually this leads to a lot of resentment on your part. Even rage.

Maybe you’ve experienced this. You think you’re doing everything right, so why do you feel so frustrated? The truth is, you’re angry because you know that, at the end of the day, you’re not getting what you really want. No one is paying attention to what you need, no matter how much you do or how much you give to others. Instead, people seem to take your generosity for granted; they expect you to keep the peace, fix problems, and be available, yet they don’t think about how these expectations affect you.

It’s time to break free from Nice Guy Syndrome. In this book summary, you’ll learn how to identify what you need and get your needs met, and along the way you’ll start to feel more powerful and confident. Not only that, as you embrace your masculinity, you’ll discover the tools for having more satisfying romantic and sexual relationships. But above all, you’ll learn how to accept yourself for who you are and all your complex emotions, needs, and desires. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to feel respected and fulfilled. It’s time to live up to your potential.

The Nice Guy Syndrome

Meet Jason. He’s affable, open, generous, and even-tempered. He prides himself on making his family happy and avoids conflict at all costs.

But he has one major problem: he and his wife Heather haven’t had sex in months. Heather makes Jason feel that he can’t do anything right, no matter how hard he tries. Whenever he helps with the children or does chores around the house, she finds fault with how he’s done things. He longs to connect with her physically, but she just isn’t interested — and the whole situation leaves him feeling unloved and unappreciated.

Can you relate?

You might be experiencing Nice Guy Syndrome if it’s your goal in life to please others, or if you never seem to get as much as you give. Maybe you’re always the first to apologize, and you dread conflict in your family or at work. You try so hard to be good and hide things about yourself that others might not like, and you want to become what others want you to be. You might believe your persistent generosity is proof of how good you are, and you frequently try to take care of others and solve their problems. Above all, your goal is to avoid disapproval. You hate the idea of people being mad at you or disappointed in you.

Like Jason, you might have trouble communicating your needs — or even making your needs a priority at all — because you believe that doing so would make you selfish. Perhaps you make your partner’s needs your emotional center, believing that if you can just make her happy enough, she might be receptive to what you want. The trouble is, she just keeps taking more, leaving you feeling lonelier and emptier than ever.

It’s time to challenge the core belief at the center of Nice Guy Syndrome: that you’re only worthy of love if you are “nice” enough. Guess what? You need to throw that belief out the window. The truth is, if you’ve been living as a Nice Guy, you’ve probably also developed some of these not-so-nice coping mechanisms, too:

  1. You’re dishonest: You repress your feelings, hide your mistakes, and say whatever people want to hear.
  2. You’re secretive: You conceal any habits or thoughts you think will upset others.
  3. You’re manipulative: Since you think you can’t ask for what you want, you try to find ways to make others do what you want using passive-aggressive tactics.
  4. You’re controlling: You only feel comfortable when people are doing what you think they should be doing.
  5. You’re full of rage: You might deny that you get angry, but you know better. There’s a strong, repressed rage deep inside you.
  6. You feel isolated: You push people away because you want them to approve of the ideal you, not the real you.
  7. You have problems in intimate relationships: You might pick your partners because you believe you can fix them, and then you have trouble working through issues that arise because you avoid conflict.

Many of these behaviors take root because Nice Guys tend to be preoccupied with black and white thinking. They must be nice so that they will not be seen as a jerk; they must be peaceful so that they will not be seen as angry. There is no inbetween.

But the truth is that you are complex, and it’s healthy to integrate the unpleasant aspects of yourself into your whole self. Your desires, power, assertiveness, and courage might mean that you’re not “nice” sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that you’re a monster, either. An integrated man is nurturing and giving, but he also sets boundaries. He takes responsibility for getting his needs met, and he’s comfortable with himself. He’s not afraid to work through conflict because he owns his strength.

Learn to Please the Only Person Who Matters

Breaking free from Nice Guy Syndrome requires a radical change in perspective. It will impact your behavior, your personal relationships, and maybe even your career. Ultimately, though, it will help you to feel safe and accepted just for being who you are. As you become more comfortable with yourself, you won’t need to seek external validation from others anymore.

You might not even realize that much of what you do is aimed at avoiding disapproval from others, even those you don’t like. Nice Guys want to convince the world that they are lovable and non-threatening, so they try to please everyone around them. The trouble is that by becoming what everyone else wants them to be, they feel less certain about who they really are and what they really need. They’ve internalized the message that the only quality that makes them “good” is their ability to provide what others want, and they’ve forgotten that they possess positive qualities that would allow people love them for who they are.

When you feel like your identity and value is connected to what others think of you, you’re locked in a constant struggle to gain their approval. If you feel it slipping away, you try even harder to get it back and win them over. But this vicious cycle leaves you out of touch with what you are really feeling, because you’re tying your sense of well-being to the moods and emotions of others. The truth is there’s usually little you can do to change how others are feeling, and most of the time their feelings have nothing to do with you.

It’s time to learn how to please the only person who matters: you.

You might think that sounds selfish, but when you decide to stop seeking external validation and focus on pleasing yourself, you’ll begin to experience deeper, more meaningful connections with others. Instead of focusing outward for acceptance, turn inward. Ask yourself what you want and what feels right to you. Instead of thinking about what would make someone else like you more, ask yourself what would make you happy. When your relationships aren’t based on giving to others so that they will give you the approval you seek, it allows you to share more of who you are. And that will draw people to you.

When you’ve been trying to please others for so long, it can feel strange to make your own needs a priority. But taking good care of yourself is a step toward learning to approve of yourself. When you consciously do good things for yourself, it reminds you that you are valuable and worthwhile just the way you are. Doing good things for yourself could be as simple as making time to exercise, going somewhere you enjoy, buying something you’ve wanted for awhile, or even just relaxing and goofing off. At first you might feel guilty or anxious, because you’re doing something just for you and no one else. But you must keep being good to yourself, because taking care of your own needs reflects your inherent worth. Remember, you are the only person you have to please.

Reclaim Your Power and Masculinity

When you’ve been living with Nice Guy Syndrome, it’s usually because your childhood circumstances required that you sacrifice some of your personal power. Now that you’re an adult, you may have become so used to making that sacrifice that you’ve cornered yourself into a relationship or career that reinforces that expectation. But this can make you feel frustrated, helpless, and resentful. By approaching life with the coping mechanisms that you formed as a child, you feel more out of control than ever before.

So how do you reclaim your personal power? What does that look like in your life?

For starters, when you feel a sense of personal power, you believe that you have what it takes to handle difficult things that come your way. You accept that you are human and have fear sometimes, but you also have confidence in yourself to face challenges without depending on someone else.

Part of reclaiming your personal power is simply being honest with yourself about your needs, flaws, and desires, and then expressing your feelings and setting boundaries with others. All of these actions preserve your sense of self worth.

Another aspect of reclaiming your power is letting go of what others think of you and how much that matters to you. Practice accepting that you can’t change or manipulate how people feel about you, and realize that you might feel rejection and disapproval from time to time. Those feelings are natural and human. Although it might feel uncomfortable to accept those feelings at first, you will find that they lead to a sense of freedom. When you can be at ease with yourself no matter how others feel about you, you will no longer feel that your well-being is tied to pleasing them.

It’s also important to become more comfortable expressing your own negative feelings when necessary, instead of denying them or hiding them. You have a right to assert yourself, stand your ground, and articulate what matters to you. People who care about you will value your feelings, even if they don’t agree with them. And if being true to what you think and feel causes some people you care about to leave, that’s OK, too. You can handle it.

As you reclaim your power, you can also reclaim your masculinity. Being a man means different things to different guys, and it’s up to you to figure out what that looks like for you.

In general, though, embracing your masculinity involves having good friendships with other men. Don’t settle for being a loner or spending your time with your “couple” friends. You should enjoy doing things with guys you like. There’s no need to feel guilty for pursuing hobbies and friendships that are fulfilling for you. It may even help to find someone to be your mentor, especially if you don’t have a father in your life right now. Passing masculinity down to the next generation helps the men involved find value in their unique strengths.

Conclusion

Breaking free from being a Nice Guy will enable you to get the love you want, get the sex you want, and ultimately, get the life you want. But the benefits extend far beyond yourself. By making your own needs a priority, embracing your strength, and accepting who you are, you will improve your relationships with those who truly care about you and provide a model for your children.

Girls and boys both benefit from seeing their father set boundaries, pursue activities that make him happy, and cope with challenging situations. And being confident and comfortable with yourself does wonders to improve your relationships with women, too, because you are able to express what you need from a place of self-assurance and strength. When you are able to accept yourself, validating all the unique qualities (and even flaws!) that are part of your personality, nothing can stop you from building the happy, successful, and fulfilling life you want.

About the author

Dr. Robert Glover is a certified marriage and family therapist who works with individuals and couples in therapy to recognize symptoms of the Nice Guy Syndrome. He leads therapy groups and seminars around the country and co-directs the Center for Healing and Recovery.

Dr. Robert A. Glover holds a PhD in marriage and family therapy and is himself a recovering Nice Guy. As a result of over thirty years of clinical work with countless men and women, Dr. Glover has become widely recognized as a leading authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome.

Dr. Glover lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where he writes and leads workshops and seminars for men. His website drglover.com features numerous online courses focusing on personal growth, relationships, sexuality, and career.

Dr. Robert Glover has helped change the lives of both men and women around the globe. He’s a renowned authority on Nice Guy Syndrome and the author of Dating Essentials for Men. He’s also the director of TPI University and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Genres

Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Love and Romance, Personal Transformation Self-Help, Parenting, Psychology, Personal Development, Philosophy, Social, Health, Womens, Self-Improvement, Motivation, Sex

Table of Contents

Introduction
Chapter One The Nice Guy Syndrome
Chapter Two The Making Of A Nice Guy
Chapter Three Learn To Please The Only Person Who Really Matters
Chapter Four Make Your Needs A Priority
Chapter Five Reclaim Your Personal Power
Chapter Six Reclaim Your Masculinity
Chapter SevenGet The Love You Want: Success Strategies For Intimate Relationships
Chapter Eight Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex
Chapter Nine Get the Life You Want: Discover Your Passion And Potential In Life, Work, And
Career
Epilogue

Overview

Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O’Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the “Nice Guy Syndrome” trying too hard to please others while neglecting one’s own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It’s no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

* * * * *

“One of the best books I’ve ever read on men’s emotional health and development.” Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and Models.

“I have read every self-help book out there, but this was the first that put everything together in a way that made perfect sense to me.”

“Every page of my copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy is highlighted in yellow. How did you know me so well?

A Nice Guy, according to Dr. Robert Glover, a pioneering expert on the Nice Guy Syndrome, is a man who believes he is not okay just as he is. He is convinced that he must become what he thinks others want him to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.

The Nice Guy Syndrome typically begins in infancy and childhood when a young boy inaccurately internalizes emotional messages about himself and the world. It is fueled by toxic shame and anxiety. Rapid social change in the late 20th century and early 21st century has contributed to a worldwide explosion of men struggling to find happiness, love, and purpose.

The paradigm of the Nice Guy Syndrome is driven by three faulty covert contracts. Nice Guys believe:

  • If I am good, then I will be liked and loved.
  • If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.
  • If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

The inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to often feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. Common Nice Guy patterns include giving to get, difficulty setting boundaries, dishonesty, caretaking, fixing, codependency, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, passive-aggressiveness, unsatisfying relationships, issues with sexuality, and compulsive masturbation and pornography use.

Since the publication of No More Mr. Nice Guy in 2003, hundreds of thousands of men worldwide have learned how to release toxic shame, soothe their anxiety, face their fears, connect with men, embrace their passion and purpose, and experience success in work and career. These men have also learned to set boundaries, handle conflict, make their needs a priority, develop satisfying relationships, and experience great sex.

This process of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome allows men to move through:

  • Depression
  • Social anxiety and shyness
  • Codependency
  • Low self-esteem
  • Loneliness and hopelessness
  • Feelings of failure
  • Lack of confidence and purpose
  • Compulsive behaviors and addictions
  • Feeling stuck in life

Contrary to what the title might seem to imply, No More Mr. Nice Guy does not teach men how to be not nice. Dr. Glover shows men how to become what he calls Integrated Males. Becoming integrated does not mean becoming different or better. It means being able to accept all aspects of oneself. An integrated male can embrace everything that makes him unique – his power, his assertiveness, his humor, his courage, and his mission, as well as his fears, his imperfections, his mistakes, his rough edges, and his dark side.

If you are ready to get what you want in love, sex, and life, No More Mr. Nice Guy will show you how.

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