Dale Carnegie Essential Friendship Formula to Win Friends & Influence People

Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends & Influence People” is a game-changer for anyone looking to boost their social and professional life. This powerful guide offers actionable advice on building relationships, winning trust, and becoming a magnetic personality.

Ready to transform your interactions? Dive into Carnegie’s wisdom and discover how to become the person everyone wants to know.

Genres

Leadership, Success, Interpersonal Skills, Motivation, Career Advancement, Self Help, Business, Psychology, Personal Development, Leadership, Classics, Communication, Relationships, Business Life, Business Skills, Interpersonal Relationships, Motivation, Self-Esteem

Carnegie’s book is divided into four parts, each focusing on different aspects of human interaction. The first part teaches fundamental techniques for handling people, emphasizing the importance of avoiding criticism and giving honest appreciation. The second part explores ways to make people like you, highlighting the power of genuine interest and remembering names. The third section delves into winning people over to your way of thinking, stressing empathy and admitting mistakes. The final part discusses leadership, encouraging inspiration rather than direct orders.

Throughout the book, Carnegie uses anecdotes from historical figures and everyday people to illustrate his points. He emphasizes the importance of understanding human nature and applying psychological principles in daily interactions. The book’s core message is that success in both personal and professional life largely depends on how well you can connect with and influence others.

Review

Carnegie’s work remains relevant despite being published in 1936. Its enduring popularity stems from its practical, easy-to-apply advice that addresses fundamental human needs and behaviors. The book’s strength lies in its simplicity and focus on universal principles of human interaction.

However, some modern readers might find certain examples dated or the tone occasionally patronizing. Critics argue that some techniques could be seen as manipulative if not applied with genuine goodwill.

Despite these minor drawbacks, the book offers valuable insights into human psychology and communication. Its principles, when applied ethically, can significantly improve one’s personal and professional relationships. The book’s lasting impact on the self-help genre and its continued relevance in today’s digital age attest to its timeless wisdom.

For anyone looking to improve their people skills, “How to Win Friends & Influence People” provides a solid foundation. It’s particularly useful for those in leadership positions, sales, or any role requiring effective communication and persuasion.

Let’s admit it: We all want to be liked.

Authors, of course, know that too. Every year, countless books get published on how to become a more inspiring leader, develop more intimate friendships or be a more agreeable spouse.

This week’s reading recommendation takes you back to the basics. Dale Carnegie’s classic, How to Win Friends & Influence People, may have been published more than 80 years ago, but the principles of social interactions he outlines are timeless:

• Take genuine interest in other people.
• Don’t complain about others.
• Own your mistakes.
• Put yourself into other people’s shoes.

Now, you only have to go out there and do it! This, of course, is easier said than done. But why not start with reading the book summary?

“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” – Benjamin Disraeli

The tools you need to build robust friendships, strengthen your network, and make people eager to help you succeed can be found in an 80-year-old book called ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People.’

The principles in ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ are as applicable today as they were when the book was published in 1936 and will continue to be relevant for centuries.

In the book that gave birth to the self-help genre, writer and lecturer Dale Carnegie spells out his plan for getting what you want from other people by changing your behavior. He expounds on the fundamentals of dealing with people and becoming a great leader. Carnegie developed these principles by drawing from examples of persuasive people in history, such as Abraham Lincoln, and from his own experiences. Since Carnegie wrote his book in 1935, many of his examples may seem obsolete or outmoded today, but his basic principles are timeless, eminently useable and presented in an easy-to-read and personal style. We recommends this classic to everyone – up to this date, no one has said it better than Carnegie.

The principles in this book can be distilled down to two fundamental behaviors.

Be Genuinely Interested in Others

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” – Dale Carnegie

When you meet someone your mission is to discover what subject fascinates them and then find a way to be equally fascinated.

For example, if someone is interested in collecting stamps (a subject that you might think is boring), research stamp collecting. In your research, you could discover a fascinating fact about stamps, like the most valuable stamp in the world is worth $9.5 million.

When possible, ask people for advice on a topic that interests them. For example, “If I were to start a stamp collection, how do you recommend I get started?”

When you give someone the opportunity to share their interest and expertise on a subject they enjoy, they will associate their joy with your presence.

Give Frequent Praise

Think of a person who has recently praised your work. What was your opinion of that person after receiving praise?

Think back to a teacher or boss who regularly praised your work. How does that teacher or that boss compare to other teachers and bosses?

“In our interpersonal relations, we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.” – Dale Carnegie

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my appreciation and lavish in my praise” – Charles Schwab

Like Schwab, live in a spirit of acknowledgment and be eager to praise others for their effort.

When you notice a co-worker putting in extra effort on a project, walk over to them and praise their commitment to the team. If your child or partner helps around the house in a small way, praise them for their effort.

“The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.” – Dale Carnegie

To build your praise and appreciation muscle, make praise and appreciation a daily habit. Take two minutes at the start of every day to write an email to praise a friend or co-worker for any progress they’ve recently made on a personal goal or professional project. Make it personal and specific; tell them what impresses you most.

“William James said: ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’ He didn’t speak, mind you, of the ‘wish’ or the ‘desire’ or the ‘longing’ to be appreciated. He said the ‘craving’ to be appreciated. Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and ‘even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.’” – Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Summary

“Fundamental Techniques in Handling People”

To master the art of winning friends and influencing people, first learn and practice the three basic principles of dealing with people. Constantly remind yourself of the importance of these tenets. Review them, and consider how to apply them to your life. Employ them whenever you can, and even ask a friend, your partner or a business associate to remind you when you violate one of these precepts. As you practice, you should review your progress and keep notes showing when you have used each of these methods.

Principle 1: Be Nice

The first and foremost basic principle of handling people is to be nice. To this end, you shouldn’t criticize, condemn, or complain about people. Instead of judging people or disparaging them, you should try to understand them and to figure out why they do what they do. This way, you can be supportive, show sympathy, and be tolerant and kind. People like others who treat them in this way. Individuals respond positively to such an approach.

“Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.”

You may need to exercise self-control to refrain from expressing your negative feelings about someone else, but do so. In fact, if you have the desire to change others, it’s more profitable to refocus your concentration on yourself.

Principle 2: Find Out What They Want

A second fundamental technique is recognizing what others want and giving it to them. People have several aspirations. Some of their most common desires include health and the preservation of life, food, sleep, money and the goods and services money can buy, sexual gratification, the well-being of their children, and a feeling of importance.

“Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

Most of these wants are usually fulfilled, except the desire to feel important, though that is a very strong basic desire. It’s the yearning that motivates individuals to wear the most fashionable styles, drive the most modern cars and seek success.
The way to understand a person’s basic character is to know what triggers his or her feeling of importance. Once you know that information, you can make that person feel important. At the same time, avoid saying or doing anything that undermines an individual’s sense of importance.

“Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.”

For example, when offering feedback to an employee, use incentives rather than criticism to motivate him or her. Remember, nothing kills a person’s ambitions more effectively than criticism from a superior. Offer praise where you can, and be hesitant to find fault. However, avoid insincere flattery, as this doesn’t work well. Generally, people will see it as shallow and selfish. Instead, provide honest and sincere appreciation.

Principle 3: Help Them Get What They Want

The third fundamental principle is to stimulate an eager want in others. This principle works because all individuals are interested in getting what they want. So if you want to increase your influence over other people, find out what they want to accomplish and help them achieve it. To do this, it helps to understand their point of view and examine a situation from their perspective, as well as your own.

“Six Ways to Make People Like You”

To get people to like you, pay attention to others and show you are concerned about their well-being. Follow these six fundamental rules:

The First Rule

Become genuinely interested in other people. By doing so, you can gain the attention of others and secure their cooperation again and again. By showing a sincere interest in others, you, as a manager, can deepen your employees’ loyalty to your company as well, since people see you as a representative of your organization.

The Second Rule

Make a good first impression by smiling. This is important, since actions speak louder than words, and a smile helps to show people that you like them. It demonstrates that you are glad to see them and that you want to be friendly. Of course, a smile shouldn’t be an insincere grin. People resent such false and mechanical expressions. But a heartfelt smile that comes from within will help attract people to you.

The Third Rule

Learn people’s names. You can develop a simple technique to achieve this. When you meet someone for the first time, find out that person’s name as well as some facts about his or her family, business, or interests. Visualize this information as a picture in your mind. Then, when you see that person again, you will remember it. The power of recall is critical because people value their names highly, as reflected in the way many companies are named after their founders or the way donors give large bequests to organizations that name libraries, museums or other buildings after them.

The Fourth Rule

Be a good listener, and encourage people to talk about themselves. It is especially flattering to pay exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you, rather than looking around to see who else might be there. Listening is also a very important skill for someone in customer service. For example, if a client comes to complain, just listening attentively can help diffuse that customer’s anger. It may even make the person’s grievances disappear.

The Fifth Rule

Talk in a way that interests others. Speak about their hobbies and passions. Theodore Roosevelt mastered this skill. He was well-versed on a wide variety of topics. When he expected to meet with an important dignitary, he would study up on that person’s interests. This habit enabled Roosevelt to wow people with his wealth of knowledge. He knew that “the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

The Sixth Rule

Find a sincere way to make others feel important. For example, ask yourself what characteristics about other people you can honestly admire. The psychologist William James said that, “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”

By showing your appreciation for others, you help nurture their feelings of self-importance. However, you need to be sincere when you show your gratitude so compliments don’t come across as insincere flattery.

“How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking”

Follow 12 techniques for convincing other people to believe what you are telling them. Consciously try to apply each method in your conversations:

1. The only way to win an argument is to avoid it – Generally, disagreements only make others defensive, and a person who feels he or she has lost a dispute loses face. Once you get drawn into an argument, you can’t win, because if you lose it, you lose, and even if you win it, you lose. Thus, avoid engaging in a quarrel.
2. Show respect for other people’s opinions – You don’t want to make others think you disagree with them with careless words, looks, intonations or gestures. When you challenge other people’s views, you make them want to strike back, not change their mind.
3. Admit when you are wrong – If you make a mistake, acknowledge it quickly. Making such an admission is especially helpful when you know that others are thinking that you are wrong and want to say as much. It is easier to listen to self-criticism than criticism from others, and generally when you admit a mistake, other people are more likely to be forgiving and supportive. When you don’t, they are likely to be more critical and frustrated.
4. Even if you are angry, begin in a friendly way – Use honey to make the medicine go down. You can’t win over someone who feels negativity toward you. But by soothing that feeling, you can start to bring that person around to your point of view.
5. Get the other person to say “yes” in the beginning – Begin by discussing issues on which you both agree. Once you receive a “no” response, you will face a hurdle that you need to overcome, since your fellow discussant wants to remain consistent. Thus, it helps to start off with questions that will evoke a “yes” or a statement that will bring about agreement. Once the person is in the habit of saying yes, you can broach the harder questions.
6. When dealing with complaints, let your clients do the talking – Allow them to say everything they want to say. As you listen, you will learn more about their business and their problems, and you will be in a better position to help. Listen patiently with an open mind, be sincere, and encourage your clients to express their concerns and ideas fully.
7. Seek cooperation – Let the other party feel responsible for generating an idea. People have more faith in the suggestions that they themselves propose.
8. See things from the other person’s point of view – Put yourself in the other person’s place so you can better understand what he or she wants and needs. This can be especially helpful if you are trying to sell someone a product or a course of action. This will help you understand what motivates the other person.
9. Sympathize with what the other person thinks or wants – This way, even if you disagree or would do something differently, you show that you understand and empathize. Say something like: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
10. Appeal to people’s higher aspirations and nobler motives – People usually have two reasons for doing something: the real reason and one that sounds good. Since people are idealists at heart and like to think they act out of good motives, you will have better luck in changing people by appealing to these positive intentions.
11. Express your ideas in a dramatic way – By dramatizing your plans, you make them more powerful and persuasive. Use strong illustrations and showmanship to get your ideas across. This approach works well because merely stating a truth isn’t enough; the truth has to be vivid.
12. Use a challenge to motivate others – This technique works because successful people love the chance to prove their worth. For example, the industrialist Charles Schwab once drew a large figure 6 on the floor of a mill to note how many items the day-shift employees made. The next day, when the night-shift staffers came in, they drew a 7 on the floor to show they had performed even better. That inspired the day-shift workers to toil even harder and place a 10 on the floor when they left. By expressing what he wanted, Schwab encouraged his staff to work more productively and more diligently. This tactic was more effective than if he had just asked his employees for improved work.

“Be a Leader”

If you are in a leadership position, employ nine important principles to motivate people to change without giving offense or arousing resentment:

1. If you have to discuss a fault or a concern with someone, begin with sincere praise and honest appreciation.
2. If someone makes a mistake, raise awareness of his or her mistakes indirectly.
3. Before condemning another person, reveal your own mistakes first.
4. Instead of giving someone a “direct order,” ask questions, such as “What do you think of this?” to let employees propose their own suggestions.
5. Never put someone in a position where they lose face.
6. Give improving employees praise, no matter how slight their progress.
7. “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.”
8. Offer employees encouragement, and make their fault seem easy to rectify.
9. Make other people feel happy about trying out your suggestions.

Take-Aways

• Be genuinely interested in other people.
• Don’t criticize, condemn or complain about people.
• Encourage others to talk about themselves.
• If you make a mistake, acknowledge it quickly.
• Before criticizing someone else, talk about your own mistakes first.
• Praise all improvements, no matter how slight.
• If you want to change others, start with yourself first.
• To feel important is one of the strongest human desires. Always make others feel important and never undermine anyone’s sense of importance.
• Remember people’s names. A person’s name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
• Express your ideas in a dramatic way. Use illustrations and showmanship to get your ideas across.

About the author

Dale Carnegie (1888–1955) described himself as a “simple country boy” from Missouri but was also a pioneer of the self-improvement genre. Since the 1936 publication of his first book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he has touched millions of readers and his classic works continue to impact lives to this day.

Table of Contents

Preface to 1981 Edition by Dorothy Carnegie
How This Book Was Written — and Why by Dale Carnegie
Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book

PART ONE
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1 “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”
2 The Big Secret of Dealing with People
3 “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way”

PART TWO
Six Ways to Make People Like You
1 Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere
2 A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression
3 If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble
4 An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
5 How to Interest People
6 How to Make People Like You Instantly

PART THREE
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1 You Can’t Win an Argument
2 A Sure Way of Making Enemies — and How to Avoid It
3 If You’re Wrong, Admit It
4 A Drop of Honey
5 The Secret of Socrates
6 The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
7 How to Get Cooperation
8 A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You
9 What Everybody Wants
10 An Appeal That Everybody Likes
11 The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?
12 When Nothing Else Works, Try This

PART FOUR
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1 If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
2 How to Criticize — and Not Be Hated for It
3 Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
4 No One Likes to Take Orders
5 Let the Other Person Save Face
6 How to Spur People On to Success
7 Give a Dog a Good Name
8 Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
9 Making People Glad to Do What You Want

A Shortcut to Distinction by Lowell Thomas
The Dale Carnegie Courses
Other Books
My Experiences in Applying the Principles Taught in This Book
Index