Dave Hollis Skeptic’s Guide to Growth and Fulfillment in “Get Out of Your Own Way”

Dave Hollis’ “Get Out of Your Own Way” offers a refreshing take on personal development. This book challenges skeptics to confront their self-imposed limitations and embrace growth. Hollis shares his journey from cynicism to self-improvement, providing practical strategies to overcome obstacles and achieve fulfillment.

Ready to break free from self-doubt? Dive into this review to discover how Dave Hollis’ insights can transform your life and propel you towards success.

Genres

Self-help, Personal Development, Motivational, Autobiography, Psychology, Business, Inspirational, Lifestyle, Mindfulness, Leadership, Sex and Relationships, Social Sciences, Men’s Gender Studies, Fatherhood,  Parenting Girls

“Get Out of Your Own Way” chronicles Dave Hollis’ transformation from a skeptic to a believer in personal growth. The book is divided into chapters addressing common self-sabotaging behaviors and mindsets. Hollis shares personal anecdotes, including his struggles with alcoholism and his journey to sobriety. He tackles topics such as imposter syndrome, fear of failure, and the importance of vulnerability. Throughout the book, Hollis provides actionable advice and exercises to help readers identify and overcome their own limiting beliefs. He emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one’s life and making conscious choices to improve. The book also explores the impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior and offers strategies for breaking negative patterns.

Review

Hollis’ approach in “Get Out of Your Own Way” is refreshingly honest and relatable. His writing style is conversational and engaging, making complex concepts accessible to a wide audience. The book’s strength lies in its blend of personal stories and practical advice. Hollis’ vulnerability in sharing his own struggles adds credibility to his message.

The book’s structure, with each chapter focusing on a specific self-sabotaging behavior, makes it easy for readers to identify and address their own challenges. Hollis’ exercises and action steps provide a clear path for implementing change.

However, some readers might find certain aspects of Hollis’ advice oversimplified or repetitive. The book occasionally relies on familiar self-help concepts, which may not resonate with those seeking more innovative approaches.

Despite these minor drawbacks, “Get Out of Your Own Way” offers valuable insights for anyone looking to overcome self-imposed limitations. Hollis’ journey from skepticism to embracing personal growth adds a unique perspective to the self-help genre. This book is particularly useful for those who are new to personal development or have been resistant to it in the past.

Introduction: Learn how to challenge the assumptions that are holding you back.

Get Out of Your Own Way (2020) explores the limiting thoughts that can stop us from growing, feeling fulfilled, and being fully present for our loved ones. By debunking his own self-created lies with candor and humor, the author provides insight into how you can overcome similar long-held positions.

Self-help. It’s for people having a midlife crisis. Or those looking to “find themselves” after losing touch with their “true self” 20 years ago. It’s definitely not for someone like the author – a person with a loving partner, a few healthy kids, and a respectable career, right?

Even after achieving life’s big goals, Dave Hollis felt unhappy and unfulfilled. He’d come home from a long day at the office and zone out with one too many drinks, too exhausted to really engage with his kids or give his wife the support she needed and deserved. He told himself that this was normal, that he should get over it and get on with life. After all, everyone on the outside thought his life was perfect. And yet he just couldn’t shake how flat he felt, and he had no idea why.

The truth is, when we’re stuck in this kind of a rut, we’re usually paying too much attention to the unhelpful voices in our heads – you know, the ones that tell us we’re only lovable because of our flashy jobs or because everyone thinks we have our lives under control. But the only way we can silence those voices is by challenging how valid each of them is. And to do that, we need to commit to a journey of personal growth.

In these summaries, you’ll discover

• what Eminem can teach you about vulnerability;
• how a well-meaning eavesdropper changed more than one life; and
• why we need to learn another language to have a successful relationship.

Equating our personal value with our profession undermines our self-worth.

Imagine you’re at a cocktail party, surrounded by dazzling people with interesting jobs. You’re chatting to someone you’ve just met, and they ask you the inevitable question: What do you do for a living?

You tell them you’re head of sales for The Walt Disney Company’s movie studio. That’s right. The Disney. You’re the one putting movies like Frozen, Inside Out, and all things Marvel in cinemas around the world. And you’re good at it. Very good, according to your salary.

Naturally, your new acquaintance is impressed. Their face lights up. You have an internal sigh. If only your job lit you up in the same way.

The key message here is: Equating our personal value with our profession undermines our self-worth.

Once upon a time, author Dave Hollis was that disgruntled sales executive at Disney. With an endless supply of blockbuster movies and a fabulous team working with him every day, he was exceeding sales targets and making more money than ever before. But Dave was deeply unhappy. Since he could practically do his job with his eyes closed, he felt under-challenged and unfulfilled.

Despite feeling this way, Dave was hesitant to make any bold changes. People were in awe of his job title; because of this, he’d allowed his work to become his identity. He’d always prided himself on his successful and evolving career. Leaving it behind felt like letting go of the very thing that made people see him as valuable. But Dave longed to free himself from what other people thought about him. He had to make a change.

And so he took a leap.

He resigned from Disney and took up the role of CEO at his wife’s business, The Hollis Company. It was a challenge shifting from a mass media company to a small start-up, and Dave had to relearn everything he thought he knew about business. But this was just the stimulation he needed. And it taught him something important about himself: His value as a person didn’t come from the size of his paycheck or his employer’s prestige. It came from being a loving, respectful individual who cared about the world around him. And he could be that person, even without a fancy title on his business card.

Being honest about your weaknesses can give you a competitive edge.

A workplace can feel a bit like a savanna. If you’re the zebra with an injured leg, you’ll end up as a lion’s dinner. Similarly, if you’re negotiating a business deal, you don’t want the other party to know your weaknesses. If they do, they’re likely to exploit them.

When Dave worked for Disney, he cast himself firmly in the role of a lion. He used a combative approach, concealing any insecurities so they couldn’t be used against him. And while this resulted in plenty of great deals, it came at a price. Dave’s negotiating style made him seem unreasonable and callous, and this distanced him from others.

The key message here is: Being honest about your weaknesses can give you a competitive edge.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t an interpersonal skills course that helped Dave change his negotiating style. It was the final scene of the movie 8 Mile, where two rappers – one played by Eminem – compete in an underground rap battle, each trying to insult the other in improvised verses. As Dave listened to Eminem’s character, B-Rabbit, rapping about his girlfriend cheating on him and being the victim of a malicious assault, he was moved. B-Rabbit wasn’t trying to hide his weaknesses. He was owning them. And by owning them, he prevented his opponent from exploiting them, leaving the other rapper powerless.

This was a turning point for Dave. Instead of being guarded, he became honest and vulnerable. Dave began presenting his weaknesses to whichever party he was negotiating with, framing those weaknesses as strengths. For example, he might point out that his inexperience enabled him to offer a new perspective.

Dave was so happy with the outcomes of this new approach that he wondered if he could use it outside of the workplace. And so he started to see every interaction that he had with other people as a type of negotiation – from how he motivated his kids to how he communicated with his wife.

He suspected that, just like in business, he’d been pushing people away by hiding his insecurities. And he was right. As soon as he stopped pretending to be Mr. Invincible, his relationships improved. With his armor off, he was in a better position to receive love and support and to empathize with others, too.

If we want to grow, we have to normalize failure.

Back when he was in elementary school, Dave’s son Jackson wanted to run for class president. Dave encouraged Jackson to go for it. He knew from personal experience that, win or lose, it was an important learning opportunity for his son. After all, he’d run twice himself and lost both times.

Just like his dad, Jackson lost his campaign. But Dave used the opportunity to teach his son that failing didn’t make him a failure. His family still loved and valued him, and he didn’t have to worry about the opinions of his classmates – at least he’d had the courage to do something that most of them hadn’t. He’d worked hard and put together a great campaign. Sure, the result was disappointing, but it proved that failure doesn’t kill you.

The key message here is: If we want to grow, we have to normalize failure.

It was around this time that Dave was feeling really low about his role at Disney and considering his next move. For too long he’d been running on autopilot and succeeding with very little effort. He also knew that if he tried something different, he’d be inviting failure back into his life.

Dave was operating with what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset. He thought that his talents were predetermined and that his skill set was limited. That’s why he was in the habit of avoiding things he assumed he wouldn’t do well.

But Dweck’s book Mindset taught Dave that some people have a growth mindset. They believe that they can continually improve and develop their skills and talents, broadening their horizons as they pursue new experiences.

The book also taught Dave that we get to choose our mindset. And so, to get out of his rut, Dave had to believe that he could grow as an individual. Just like Jackson, he had to believe that he’d survive the inevitable failures along the way.

Despite the wonderful opportunity that failure offers us, it’s still a major taboo in today’s society. But by embracing things we’re not naturally good at, we can defy social conditioning, become more comfortable with not being perfect, and discover hidden talents we never knew we had.

When we stop avoiding pain, it becomes a mechanism for growth.

In 2013, Dave and his wife, Rachel, decided to adopt a child. They already had three biological sons. But without a daughter, their family felt incomplete.

Three years later, they got the call they’d been waiting for. A social worker told Rachel about twin girls, only four days old and in need of a loving home. The couple took a deep breath and said yes. Their family would finally be whole.

The girls had been with the Hollies for five weeks when another phone call changed everything. While the biological mother had abandoned them, their father wanted custody. And so the couple had to give up the little girls.

The key message here is: When we stop avoiding pain, it becomes a mechanism for growth.

Despite his heartbreak, Dave knew that they had to keep pursuing their dream. Yes, the thought of going through the same pain with another child was terrifying. But Dave knew they’d regret it if they tried to protect themselves from being hurt again. The only way they could find the daughter they always wanted was to bravely keep going.

A few months later, after a positive meeting with their adoption attorney, Dave and Rachel were having lunch. As they ate their meals, Rachel asked Dave if he’d gotten in touch with the twins’ father. To help her gain closure, she wanted to bring the girls some gifts. Dave braced himself. He knew that what he was about to say would cause Rachel a lot of pain. The twins’ father had politely told Dave that he didn’t want the Hollies to have any contact with his daughters ever again.

At this news, Rachel broke down. She told Dave that she couldn’t go on. The pain was just too much. And that’s when something incredible happened. The man sitting at the table next to theirs overheard the conversation and told them he was adopted. His parents had gone through many failed attempts before adopting him and his brother. If they’d given up, he wouldn’t be who he was.

This chance meeting reminded a couple of what they stood to gain if they pushed through the pain. And that’s just what they did until, two months later, they found the little girl they’d eventually adopt. They named her Noah, after the stranger at the restaurant. Courage, faith, and love had helped them survive the flood of pain. And in doing so, they knew they could survive anything.

We shouldn’t assume we know what our partner needs.

Have you ever spent the day cooking the perfect meal for your partner, only for them to be happy but not ecstatic about your efforts? Or maybe you found them the perfect gift, at which they replied, “Thanks, it’s nice.” Just like that, a gesture that expressed your deep love is dismissed as nothing special.

The reason this often happens is that different people interpret gestures differently. To make matters more complicated, we’re not static beings. As we grow, our needs change. So, that quality time that made us feel connected last year might not be what we need today.

The key message here is: We shouldn’t assume we know what our partner needs.

The more familiar we are with our partner’s unique wiring, the more successful our relationship will be. Luckily, there are many simple tools you can use to get to know what makes your partner tick.

Dave and Rachel used the Enneagram to learn more about themselves and each other. This diagnostic test classifies your primary and secondary personality types, identifying how you behave when things are good and when you’re under pressure. Most powerfully, the Enneagram also sheds light on how different personality types pair with others, explaining why Dave’s “peacemaker” nature paired so well with Rachel’s “achiever” personality.

Dave and Rachel also found the book The 5 Love Languages extremely enlightening. According to its author, Dr. Gary Chapman, most couples don’t share a love language. For example, Dave’s love language is acts of service. He would often run errands for Rachel, thinking that this was the best way to show his love. But Rachel’s love language is words of affirmation, and she would have preferred him to tell her how great she is – which explains why all of Dave’s gestures of service kept falling flat.

Once we understand how our partner gives and receives love, we can learn to speak their love language, and they can learn to speak ours. That way, we’re better placed to negotiate the tough times, celebrate the good ones, and tell them how much they mean to us in a way that matters to them.

To be the best partner, you need to be able to play different roles at different times.

Anyone running a business knows that to survive you have to change with the times. Unless your business can adapt to shifts in customer preferences, new technology, or cultural changes, it will die. But even though change can be an opportunity for business owners to be flexible and innovative, change in our personal relationships typically paralyzes us with fear.

Why is that? Well, we often think they need to change means we’ve been doing something wrong – possibly for years. Instead of entertaining the idea that we ourselves have changed, or that our circumstances have, we decide that we’ve failed. But change is a normal part of any relationship. And to be better partners, we need to get comfortable with that.

The key message here is: To be the best partner, you need to be able to play different roles at different times.

If you think back to the events of the past year, you’ll probably recognize that you needed different things from your partner at different times. For instance, you needed compassion when your father died, but you needed domestic help the week of that huge client pitch. The strongest relationships are those where each partner can identify what the other needs, and give it to them without assuming that they know best.

When Rachel was in the early stages of negotiating to host a cable TV program, Dave learned a valuable lesson in not making assumptions. He assumed that Rachel needed him to save her from any crushing disappointment, so he pointed out that the odds of her landing the deal were about 3 percent. This made Rachel feel like Dave didn’t have faith in her abilities.

Six months later, Rachel told Dave he’d bought her a gift. Playing along, Dave asked what he’d bought. It was a bracelet, with a charm that reads “3%.” Rachel had successfully signed with the television network. The bracelet was a reminder that she needed to have faith in herself, even when her husband didn’t.

So how do we avoid making the same mistake as Dave and give our partners what they need? The answer is simple. Just ask them what you can do to best support them. Then be humble enough to listen to their answer. If you can embrace their request, and set aside your assumptions about their needs, you’ll transform your good relationship into a great one.

Don’t assume you can truly understand other people’s points of view.

Dave grew up in a cookie-cutter community – one where everyone looked the same, worshipped the same way, and had the same kind of home life. It wasn’t until he was in his early twenties that he started meeting people who were different from him, including a colleague who became his first gay friend.

Years later, when Dave and Rachel were pursuing international adoption, they wanted to make sure their future daughter could connect with her cultural heritage. To support this, they joined a multicultural church community. This opened Dave’s eyes.

Until that point, he thought he had a relatively clear understanding of what it must be like to live in America as a person of color. After all, he’d watched a documentary about the civil rights movement and read a book about Martin Luther King, Jr. But Dave couldn’t have been more wrong.

The key message here is: Don’t assume you can truly understand other people’s points of view.

In 2014, Dave’s church community discussed their fears about the police shooting African Americans, like 12-year-old Tamir Rice. A dad from the congregation asked Dave if he’d spoken to his sons about how to stay safe if the police ever pulled them over. Dave was shocked. He suddenly understood how differently the world treated his kids, purely because of their skin color. It had never occurred to him that some parents had to teach their children how to interact safely with the police.

As Dave took part in a workshop on racial reconciliation and listened to the stories his fellow worshippers brought back after a civil rights tour of the South, he realized that he didn’t have the slightest idea about the true impact of racial prejudice. And, as a privileged white male, he never really would. The best he could do was to listen to the experiences of others and practice empathy in an attempt to better understand their lives.

This awakening made Dave look at his workplace with new eyes. He saw that he didn’t know what it was like to be a Disney employee from a marginalized or minority community. And so, in the years that followed, he led initiatives to address the unconscious bias against women, people of color, and members of the LGBTQ community. By acknowledging that he knew nothing about their experiences, he was better able to become their advocate.

To truly grow, we must challenge the thoughts that limit us.

Dave loves to run. He’s completed an adventure marathon in the Irish Hills and 14 half marathons. These achievements are remarkable, especially given that Dave didn’t start running until he was 36.

As a child, he’d been told that tall people like him couldn’t – and shouldn’t – run. And so he didn’t. Luckily, his competitive streak kicked in when a colleague challenged him to a 5 km race. That drive was strong enough to overcome the limiting beliefs he’d carried around since he was a kid.

The key message here is: To truly grow, we must challenge the thoughts that limit us.

Limiting beliefs are negative thoughts we perceive as truth. They draw neat boundaries around us, and we diligently stay inside them. But it doesn’t have to be that way. That’s because where we draw our boundaries is actually up to us.

When Dave’s colleague suggested the race, he decided to dismiss the lifelong belief that tall people couldn’t run. With his colleague’s support, he began training and regularly entering races. No, he wasn’t great right away. But each race he completed was proof that tall people certainly can run.

Our limiting beliefs cheat us out of fully experiencing life. We believe that one failed relationship means we’ll never find love, or that one bad interview means we’ll never get that dream job. We stop reaching out because we think every experience will have the same outcome.

So what is the root cause of our limiting beliefs? Dave believes it’s fear – of rejection, of failure, or of exposing ourselves as less than perfect. Since no one likes to be ridiculed or judged, we hold on to our limiting beliefs and keep ourselves inside a comfort zone that protects us from pain.

Recognizing your limiting beliefs is the first step on a much longer growth journey. To overcome the thoughts that hold you back, you need to let go of your long-held positions and entertain the possibility that things can be different. Only then will you be ready to challenge that voice in your head that says you can’t do this, or you’re not good enough for that.

Taking small steps toward your goal will silence that voice. It’ll also open you up to discovering something wonderful, like a love of running. But even more important, you’ll learn something about yourself – that you’re determined, committed, and striving to live your best life.

Final Summary

The key message in these summaries:

Many of us fall into a funk at some point in life. Even when things look great from the outside – when we’ve got a stable job and a loving relationship – we can still be struggling on the inside. Often this struggle occurs when we’re no longer growing as individuals. Life has lost its challenge, so we no longer feel fulfilled. If we want to be the best version of ourselves and be fully present for our loved ones, we need to accept that personal growth is the key. And to truly grow, we’ve got to get out of our own way.

Actionable advice:

Create your own operating principles.

To help you stay on track while you’re trying to live your best life, spend some time reflecting on the principles you want to live by – both in your personal life and at work. These might be goals like acting with integrity, embracing experiences outside your comfort zone, or committing to being truthful. Write down your principles, and keep your list handy. This will act as your compass if you ever lose your way.

About the author

Dave Hollis is the CEO of the Hollis Company, a company that exists to help people build better lives. Dave was previously president of distribution for the Walt Disney Studios until he left to apply his experiences to the expansion of the Hollis Company. Dave is a member of the Motion Picture Academy and has been an advisor or board member of technology incubator Fandango Labs, philanthropy start-up Givsum, film charity Will Rogers Pioneers Foundation, Pepperdine’s Institute for Entertainment, Media, and Culture, and foster care champion National Angels. Dave lives with his family in Austin, Texas.

Table of Contents

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction: Is Self-Help for Broken People?
CHAPTER 1. The Lie: My Work Is Who I Am
CHAPTER 2. The Lie: The Things That Have Worked Are the Things That Will Work
CHAPTER 3. The Lie: I Have to Have It All Together
CHAPTER 4. The Lie: A Drink Will Make This Better
CHAPTER 5. The Lie: I Did Something Wrong, So I Am Something Wrong
CHAPTER 6. The Lie: Everyone Is Thinking About What I’m Doing
CHAPTER 7. The Lie: Being Right All the Time Doesn’t Make Me an Ass
CHAPTER 8. The Lie: Failure Means You’re Weak
CHAPTER 9. The Lie: It’s My Job to Protect Them from Problems
CHAPTER 10. The Lie: I Can Phone It In and Be Just Fine
CHAPTER 11. The Lie: If She Doesn’t Love Me, I’m Not Lovable
CHAPTER 12. The Lie: Real Men Don’t Show Emotion
CHAPTER 13. The Lie: I Know What She Needs
CHAPTER 14. The Lie: My Role in This Relationship Is Constant
CHAPTER 15. The Lie: If They Don’t Need Me, They Won’t Want Me
CHAPTER 16. The Lie: I Know What You’ve Been Through
CHAPTER 17. The Lie: Things That Are Possible for Other People Aren’t Possible for Me
CHAPTER 18. The Lie: I Need to Parent Like My Parents
CHAPTER 19. The Lie: I Can Achieve Balance If I Work Hard Enough
Conclusion: Stay Out of Your Own Way with Intention and Discipline
Recommended Reading
Acknowledgments
Notes
About the Author