Table of Contents
What are the most important life lessons we can learn from the dying?
Discover profound insights from end-of-life doula Diane Button’s book What Matters Most. Learn how facing mortality can help you live with purpose, prioritize connection, and find everyday joy. Continue reading to explore the six-question final checklist and discover practical exercises to cultivate deeper relationships, express your true feelings, and live without regrets.
Genres
Health, Nutrition, Mindfulness, Happiness, Personal Development
Live well to die well.
What Matters Most (2025) is a guide to living from an end-of-life doula. Through her work with the dying, Diane Button has learned what matters most in life, and how we can prepare for a good death by living well.
Imagine that you’re on your deathbed. How would you feel if you knew that this was the end? Peaceful, and ready to go? Or filled with regret, and worrying about unresolved issues?
Diane Button works as an end-of-life doula, or “death doula,” accompanying people in their final days. She’s seen how death brings clarity, and how some people manage to pass away in a state of serenity.
Through her work as a doula, Button helps people cultivate this sense of peace and fulfilment. But in her view, we shouldn’t wait till we’re dying. There are things we can do right now to set ourselves up for a good death – mindsets to adopt, and practices to incorporate into our daily lives.
In this Blink, we’ll learn about Button’s profoundly important work, and explore some of the stories that have left a lasting impression on her. Whether you’re currently dealing with illness or death, or you just want some guidance on how to make the most of life, you’re sure to find some useful insights. If there’s anything we can learn from the dying, it’s what matters most in life.
Becoming a death doula
At the age of 84, Button’s beloved grandfather became ill. He had lung cancer, and it wasn’t long before the disease metastasized into his brain. But although the last weeks of his life were heartbreaking to witness, there were also moments of joy.
Just a few nights before he died, the family gathered for dinner. Button’s grandfather enjoyed his favorite meal – lamb chops with mint jelly, followed by strawberry shortcake.
At one point, he paused and leaned forward, as though he were about to say something important. Then he said slowly, “When I die…I’ll really miss…mint jelly.” Everyone chuckled. And when Button’s grandfather passed away a few days later, he had a smile on his face.
As Button gazed at him, she had a sudden realization. She wanted to know more about her grandfather. She wanted to understand what had brought him such fulfilment in life, allowing him to die in peace. This is where her journey began.
In order to learn more about the process of dying, Button decided to do a master’s degree in counseling psychology. And as she worked on her thesis, doing research on what makes a meaningful life, things started to click. She focused on people aged 75 or older who felt that they’d had fulfilling lives, and were ready to die in peace.
From her research, Button learned what matters most in life – love, relationships, kindness. Religious faith or spiritual beliefs can help too, allowing people to prepare peacefully for the end of their life.
At last, Button was starting to understand why her grandfather died with a smile. Emotionally, he was free. Spiritually, he was at peace. He was able to die unburdened.
Button later worked as a hospice volunteer, and then trained as a “death doula,” or an end-of-life worker. Essentially, this involves supporting people in their final weeks or days. People often assume Button’s work is sad or difficult, but actually, she finds it uplifting, or even joyful. It’s a privilege to be invited to the bedside of someone who’s dying.
Through her work, she’s seen the shift that takes place at the end of life. When someone is facing death, priorities change, and they realize that there’s no time to waste. They want to focus on what really matters – things like love, meaning, and forgiveness.
In the following sections, we’ll explore the stories of some of Button’s clients, and see what we can learn. In order to die well, we need to live well. The preparation starts now.
Floyd’s story
Sometimes you meet someone who changes the way you see the world. Working with the dying, Button has had many epiphanies, but one person stands out in particular. Floyd showed her how to be a doula, honoring every emotion. Above all, he taught her the importance of listening – truly connecting with others.
When Button and Floyd first met, he was lonely. He was in his late 80s, living alone in the farmhouse which he had once shared with his wife of 60 years. Now he was dying of kidney failure, and he hoped that talking to Button would help him. Perhaps he could regain some emotional energy, and start to socialize a little.
Button enjoyed her conversations with Floyd. When he talked about his past, reminiscing about his wife, he became so animated. You wouldn’t have thought that he was dying. Button realized just how important it was for Floyd to talk – to share his emotions and memories with another person.
One day, Floyd asked Button to accompany him to a medical visit. Surprisingly, he was in a good mood, smiling as he entered the office. But the receptionist barely looked at him. After going through the basic information, she cut Floyd off mid-answer, and told him to go to the waiting room.
When the nurse arrived, something similar happened. Floyd beamed at her, and asked her how she was. The nurse mumbled, clearly not interested in having a conversation. After taking his vitals, she left the room. She never even looked at Floyd.
And then, the doctor came in. With a smile, and a tone of genuine care, she asked Floyd how he was. She looked him in the eye as they talked, recalling how Floyd and his wife used to come to appointments together.
When Button and Floyd left the doctor’s office, he was smiling once again. “I like her,” said Floyd. “I try to be friendly to everyone I meet, but she’s the only one here who even looks at me.”
That’s when it struck Button – the visit to the doctor’s office was probably one of the highlights of Floyd’s week. These brief social interactions mattered to him, as they allowed him to feel seen and heard.
Floyd’s love for his wife, and his desire for connection, are an important reminder of what matters most – our relationships with each other. You never know what a person might be going through, so when you encounter someone, take the time to acknowledge them. Listen to them. Smile at them. You might even make their day.
Roger’s story
Another one of Button’s clients who made an impression was a man named Roger. Eighty-year-old Roger had worked as a dairy rancher and was now dying of lung cancer.
It wasn’t Roger who contacted Button, but his daughter, Jessie. “Dad says he’s fine,” said Jessie, “but he’s not.” The family knew that Roger had spent his life bottling up his emotions. Now that he was dying, maybe it would help him to get some things off his chest.
When Button met Roger, she could see that his family was right – Roger was repressing his emotions. But there was another side to it, too. As they talked, Button realized that Roger was doing his best to protect his limited energy. And one of the reasons he was holding back was to avoid burdening his family.
In Button’s experience, this is a common dynamic. The person who’s dying doesn’t want to talk about their illness or pain, because they don’t want their family to worry. But actually, this leads to the family worrying about them even more. In order to break this cycle, what’s needed is a good conversation, and maybe a good cry.
After an intimate, honest conversation with Roger, Button encouraged his family to have a meeting where they could talk openly about their feelings. At last, Roger was able to vent, and to admit to his loved ones that he wasn’t fine. Everyone was able to communicate more honestly, and for Roger, a weight was lifted.
Weeks later, Jessie called Button. Roger was in the hospice, and he didn’t have long left. When Button arrived, Roger challenged her: “Go on, ask me.”
So, Button asked him how he was, and Roger gave her an honest answer. He felt like shit. Still, both of them couldn’t help but smile.
Again, there’s a lesson to be learned here. It’s important to feel your feelings, and to be honest with yourself and others about what’s really going on. When someone asks you how you are, don’t respond robotically with “fine,” or “good.” Pause for a moment, check in with yourself, and then respond with the truth. There’s freedom in honesty, and it can help us to build deeper relationships.
Rosie’s story
The stories we’ve looked at so far have involved people in their eighties. But sadly, Button’s work sometimes involves younger people – even children. She once worked with Rosie, a six-year-old with terminal cancer.
Rosie’s parents were struggling. Not only did they have a child who was terminally ill, they also had three other young children. Button stepped in to help, taking Rosie and her siblings to the park, and organizing arts and crafts sessions.
One day, Button asked Rosie what her favorite color was. “Pink glitter,” said Rosie, with a wide smile. “It’s so pretty!”
Button discovered that “pink glitter” was a paint that Rosie’s grandmother had made – pink paint mixed together with silver glitter. Since it was difficult to recreate the color, the paint mixture was saved for special occasions. But if not now, when?
To Rosie’s delight, the jug of pink glitter was pulled down from the top shelf. She painted all day, smiling nonstop. Rosie’s mother smiled too. For a moment, she could forget about her daughter’s illness.
Rosie died at home three months later, at the age of seven. Afterwards, when Button went to visit the family, she noticed the artworks on the wall – Rosie’s pink, glittery handprints.
So, here’s an idea. Take a moment to look around your house, and ask yourself – what are you saving for a “special occasion?” Maybe you’ve got some nice candles, or fancy underwear, or a bottle of champagne that’s gathering dust. If you knew that you had limited time left on earth, maybe you would use those things now.
For Button, the lesson is this – we don’t have to wait to celebrate. Let’s enjoy ourselves right now. Burn that candle. Use the expensive dishes. Get out the pink glitter.
Exercise: A life review
Through her work with the dying, Button has learned so many lessons – the importance of connection, being honest with yourself and others, and enjoying the present. In turn, she helps her clients to prepare for a peaceful death. One way she does this is through specific exercises, which help people focus on what really matters.
These are exercises that you can try yourself, right now. Even if death feels like a distant prospect, there’s a lot to be gained from doing some reflection now, and working out what matters most to you. Remember, living well helps us to die well.
Let’s look at a simple exercise that requires nothing more than a pen, paper, and a quiet place where you can sit and think. Remember the story we looked at earlier, about Button’s grandfather? Not long before he passed away, he enjoyed a special meal with his family, and ate his favorite food. What would that dinner look like for you?
Imagine that you’re having a meal with the people who are most important to you. Picture their faces, and write down their names. Then, think about the other details – the atmosphere at the table; the lighting; the music that’s playing; the food and drink. Write it all down in detail.
Now, imagine that this is the very last time you’re going to see these people. In your mind, look at them one by one, then ask yourself what you’ll miss about them. And what will you miss about your beautiful life?
Once you’ve reflected on this, consider one final question. How would you like to be remembered?
Meditating on these questions gives you an opportunity to reflect on the life you’ve lived so far, and to contemplate the future. In the end, what matters most?
Exercise: The final checklist
Let’s finish by looking at another key exercise Button uses with her clients. She also uses it herself about once a month, as she finds it helps her to keep a clean slate. It’s called “the final checklist.”
While that might sound a little daunting, it’s a simple exercise – six questions to contemplate. Rather than wait till the end of your life to think about these things, why not do it now?
So, here are the questions. Take your time, and think deeply about your answers.
Who matters most to you?
What matters most?
When you’re lying awake at night, what worries you?
During the day, what gives you joy?
What has been left unsaid?
And finally, what has been left undone?
Those are the questions – the final checklist. See what comes up for you. You might realize it’s time to get in touch with someone – to say “sorry,” or “thank you,” or to tell them you love them. You might become more aware of your worries, and think about ways of addressing them.
Sometimes, you may be left with unresolved issues. There are some things in life that are outside of our control. But remember, we can always choose how we respond.
As you reflect on the things you can’t change, try asking yourself this question – what brings you comfort and peace? Knowing the answer can help you to find a sense of well-being, no matter what happens. Button’s belief is that we should all try our best to live well, and enjoy this precious life.
Conclusion
In this Blink to What Matters Most by Diane Button, you’ve learned that following the death of her grandfather, Button wanted to understand what makes a life feel meaningful, thus allowing people to die peacefully. Her research on elderly people who felt fulfilled showed common threads: love, relationships, kindness, honesty, and sometimes spiritual faith.
By working with people at the end of their lives, Button has learned many important lessons. Floyd taught her the power of truly listening, and making others feel seen. Roger revealed the relief of honest conversation and emotional release. And six-year-old Rosie reminded her to celebrate the present, instead of saving life’s small pleasures for “someday.”
Button offers simple, actionable exercises – a life review, and a six-question “final checklist” to reflect on what matters. Her core message is that to die well, we must live well. Preparation for a good death can begin right now.