How Can I Set Boundaries With Toxic People Without Feeling Selfish?

Why Do I Feel Guilty All the Time and How Can I Finally Stop?

Stop numbing your pain and start healing with Dr. Alison Cook’s I Shouldn’t Feel This Way. Learn the “Name, Frame, Brave” method to silence your inner critic, overcome self-sabotage, and set healthy boundaries in toxic relationships today. Tired of letting guilt run your life? Read the full summary now to discover the 3-step framework that turns overwhelming emotions into unshakeable confidence.

Genres

Motivation, Inspiration, Mindfulness, Happiness, Personal Development

Introduction: Get more attuned to what your mind and body are telling you.

I Shouldn’t Feel This Way (2024) is for anyone struggling with overwhelming emotions like fear, shame, and anger. It offers practical tools for managing and transforming these feelings to build healthier relationships, set firm boundaries, and foster a deeper sense of self-compassion and spiritual growth.

Given how busy we are from day to day, and how many distractions are vying for our attention when we have a moment to rest, it’s no wonder we often neglect our own well-being. Work, social obligations, and the endless scroll of the internet can combine to keep us from managing our mental health and paying attention to what our emotions are really telling us.

This Blink to Alison Cook’s I Shouldn’t Feel This Way is here to help you navigate complex emotions and develop a healthier relationship with yourself and others. You’ll discover actionable insights and practical tools to counteract the challenges that modern life puts in your way – including feelings of inadequacy, toxic relationships, and spiritual conflict. By implementing these strategies, you’ll put yourself on the path toward self-compassion, emotional resilience, and personal growth.

Naming the hard feelings

It can happen to the best of us. You’re going about your day when, for one reason or another, the inner voice starts to take over your thoughts. You feel overwhelmed – perhaps even resentful toward your partner, family, or friends. You love them, but lately it’s like you can’t stand them.

A potent mix of guilt and frustration is building up. You tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this way. But maybe these feelings are there for a reason. Maybe you’re at the crossroads, and before you can forge ahead with a renewed spirit, work needs to be done.

People tend to push away uncomfortable feelings – to respond to these emotions with guilt messages and pseudo solutions. We tell ourselves to toughen up, be less sensitive, or be more grateful. But this path only creates a cycle of chaos in our minds. Instead of finding relief, we end up beating ourselves up even more when the frustrating emotions reappear time and again.

It’s time to try something different: What if you took that inner turmoil as a signal to pause and reflect? Your mind is trying to tell you something important. By stopping the cycle of self-criticism and instead focusing on being curious about, accepting, and understanding your feelings, you can create space for clarity and action. This acceptance might seem daunting, but it’ll actually make you feel better.

Cook offers a process called “Name. Frame. Brave.” This involves naming what’s hard, framing your reality, and bravely forging a new path. It’s about noticing your thoughts and feelings, reflecting on them, and then taking action. The process isn’t a quick fix, but it is a powerful tool for gaining clarity and making meaningful changes in your life.

So let’s start with the first step: naming what’s hard. This means taking a good look at your inner experiences and validating them. It’s not about reacting impulsively but paying attention to what’s happening inside you.

One helpful practice is journaling. Writing down what you’re experiencing can provide clarity, especially when it comes to understanding what triggers a particular feeling. Did someone’s words or actions affect you? By naming the external event, you gain insight into the internal turmoil it caused. And then by identifying and labeling what it made you feel – be it lonely, burned-out, depressed, anxious, or discouraged – you can start the long-term process of calming and strengthening your mind.

This honest acknowledgment will help you move forward. As you continue your practice, you’ll find that clarity naturally leads to action, helping you transform your inner turmoil into brave steps toward a more fulfilling life.

Giving yourself space to reframe

The second step in the “Name. Frame. Brave.” method is about framing your reality. This should take place in what Cook calls “the in-between” – where you step back and give yourself the time and space needed to process your emotions and better understand what’s going on.

Think of it as detoxing from stress. This period of reflection allows your mind to unwind and untangle. When Cook was trying to break free from some negative thinking and shake off a bad case of writer’s block, she decided to spend some time in a neighborhood she’d lived in during college. During those weeks, she watched episodes of Gilmore Girls and processed her recent past, giving herself the grace to simply be and listen to what her heart and mind needed.

This process looks different for everyone. You might need to heal, prepare for a change, or even grieve. By slowing down and paying attention, you begin to bridge the gap between naming your struggles and taking brave steps forward. Even small daily rituals, like a quiet commute or a peaceful walk, can serve as in-between spaces for reflection.

Once you’ve granted yourself this space, the art of framing involves moving from the immediate “what” of your situation to the deeper “why.” It asks you to understand the duration and causes of your feelings and envision how things could be different.

To help, Cook has developed a five-step FRAME process – which stands for Facts, Roots, Audit, Mental Messages, and Expansion.

Facts is about clarifying the reality of the situation to gain objectivity. Roots is your chance to reflect on deeper motives and past experiences. During the audit phase, you review past strategies and assess their effectiveness. Mental messages is a time to reexamine your thoughts and the expectations you place upon yourself. And expansion is about broadening your understanding through research and conversations.

By examining your situation, you gain perspective and start to see a way forward. This process shines a light on old mental traps, allowing you to let go of past coping mechanisms that no longer serve you and to gather confidence for new paths. It’s all about getting to a point where you can take some control.

This brings us to the final stage, Brave, which is where you take action.

When faced with complicated situations, there are typically three options: you can fight for change, leave, or suffer wisely. This last one might sound off-putting, but sometimes you have to endure a situation you can’t change – like living with a health condition or a challenging job. In these cases, Cook encourages “suffering wisely,” which involves taking steps to care for yourself and mitigate further harm.

Choosing any of these paths – whether it’s fighting, leaving, or suffering wisely – empowers you and gives you agency because your actions are coming from a place of self-awareness and integrity.

Now that you know what the “Name. Frame. Brave.” process is, we’ll get into more detail about what it looks like in practice.

Moving beyond inner conflict

When you step back and gain some clarity about your emotions and where they’re coming from, all kinds of things have the potential to rise to the surface.

A common issue is cognitive dissonance. This is a fancy way of saying there’s a big conflict at play in terms of what you believe in and what you’re doing. It’s like when a pastor preaches about fidelity while secretly having an affair.

That’s a big, glaring example. But cognitive dissonance often sneaks into our lives in more subtle ways – like when you have a great time with a friend and then talk about them behind their back the next day.

When your actions don’t match your beliefs, cognitive dissonance can creep up on you and leave you with a lingering feeling of discomfort. If you ignore it, your mind will start playing tricks to ease the tension. You might find yourself justifying or rationalizing behaviors that, deep down, you know don’t sit right with you. It can also turn into other thinking traps like denial or defensiveness and blaming others out of a hidden sense of guilt, shame, or fear.

So, when you feel that inner conflict, name it. Then frame it by asking yourself what triggers these patterns and how you would like to change. Reflect on how you might reframe by sending more compassionate messages to yourself. A simple way to think about it is to offer yourself the same kindness and advice you would give to a loved one.

Sadly, we often go the other route and spend a lot of time numbing our emotions. This might manifest as grabbing the phone and scrolling, reaching for snacks when we aren’t hungry, or buying things we don’t need.

Numbing might work temporarily, and there’s no shame in it – after all, it’s often a survival mechanism – but the emotions we’re muting will only linger and grow, creating bigger problems. That’s why it’s important to recognize and address it.

To identify if a behavior is numbing, consider if it disrupts your essential needs, feels compulsive, or involves secrecy. Shame, fear, self-doubt, guilt, loneliness, sadness, and even anger can accompany numbing behaviors. Naming these without shaming yourself further is key.

Then, frame them by asking when and why you numb, as well as what triggers it. Consider past attempts to stop – what worked and what didn’t. Then explore ways to reduce numbing behaviors.

When it comes to braving a path forward, there are different kinds of care options. Relational care could mean talking with a friend or spending time with family. Sensory care might involve listening to music or immersing yourself in nature. Recreational care can be activities like gardening or painting, while physical care includes exercise and deep breathing. Finally, spiritual care might involve praying or meditating.

By taking these small, mindful steps, you can consciously detox from numbing and find healthier ways to cope with your emotions.

The conflict between body and mind

To say that we have a complex relationship with our bodies may be an understatement. Often, we find ourselves at odds with our physical selves, seeing them as burdens. As a result, our physical health takes a back seat to other concerns. This disconnect can lead to feelings of shame and frustration.

To start changing this perspective, reframe it by considering the facts: What were you taught about your body, and where did these messages come from?

Consider the roots of the issue and why the way you view your body matters. Then, do an audit and reflect on moments when you felt connected to your body in a healthy way versus the times when you felt ashamed or frustrated. Consider the mental messages you tell yourself about your body, and think about the precious ways in which a higher power might view it. There’s a variety of different spiritual and scientific perspectives about the human body, so expand your thinking to get a broad spectrum of influences.

Braving embodiment means truly tuning into your body’s needs. As you detox from distractions like social media, your body’s signals will become clearer. Instead of stress-snacking or scrolling, you might try moving around, stretching, drinking water, or even dancing to your favorite song.

This process isn’t instant; it involves overcoming internal resistance and learning to work with your body rather than against it. The goal is to attune to your body’s natural rhythms, recognizing when it needs rest, nourishment, or movement. This reciprocal relationship will help you regulate emotions and provide clarity and strength.

Another symptom of spending too much time online is getting stuck in comparisons. While a little comparison can be motivating, too much often leads to lowered self-esteem and increased depression. Instead of being inspired, you might feel distracted and discouraged, constantly trying to measure up to others.

To combat this, start by naming your inner critic. Notice when you’re comparing yourself to others, and recognize the events that trigger these thoughts. Ask yourself what you fear would happen if you stopped criticizing yourself. Then explore more effective ways to motivate yourself.

A path away from comparison goes hand-in-hand with building self-confidence. So take some time to identify your strengths and talents. Think about what you’re naturally good at, what you enjoy, and what others compliment you on. Seek input from trusted friends or coworkers, and take steps to advance your skills – like enrolling in a class or reading a book. Practice gratitude by listing three things you’re proud of each day and placing these notes where you can see them, reminding yourself of your worth and giving thanks for your gifts.

By addressing and reframing the way you view your body and handle comparisons, you can foster a healthier, more confident relationship with yourself.

The highs and lows of relationships

In this final section, let’s move from internal conflict to the external kind. In particular, let’s talk about how we can deal with toxicity in relationships.

In healthy relationships, people take responsibility for their mistakes and make amends. But when one person heads down the path of toxicity, it disrupts the process of repair and growth. Toxic behaviors like control, manipulation, blame-shifting, and gaslighting can leave you feeling trapped and confused.

To combat this, start by naming the toxic behaviors and their impact on you. Ask yourself how often the behavior occurs and when it started. Reflect on your initial responses and whether you’ve tried to address the behavior before. Notice how you feel after interactions with this person and if others in your life have expressed concern.

Braving a path forward may involve boundaries and setting clear limits with certain individuals – like excusing yourself from toxic conversations. If you have to talk to the person, you can prepare yourself by creating a script where you remain assertive and grounded.

Sometimes, you can’t leave a toxic relationship – for instance, if you’re coparenting with the person in question. In these cases, use proactive steps to neutralize the impact. You can try to stick to written communication and emails. But if meeting is a must, avoid being alone with the person, set time limits and public places for interactions, and stick to an agreed list of neutral topics.

Maintaining faith in yourself – and the process – when times are especially trying, and when hope seems out of reach, can be extremely difficult. But faith can coexist with feelings of confusion, anger, or fear. In fact, it can be hugely beneficial.

Sometimes, the biggest challenge can come in the form of what Cook calls counterfeit messages. These are misguided things we tell ourselves – that we deserve suffering, or we wouldn’t be suffering if we had more faith, or we should simply forgive and forget.

But the bottom line is, faith doesn’t guarantee a problem-free life. And minimizing or overlooking how someone hurt you will only make the process of forgiveness more difficult.

So ask yourself what counterfeit messages you’ve held onto, and where they came from. Reflect on their truth and whether they’re a positive influence in your life. Do research, talk to different people, and tap into spiritual communities – which can be great environments for healing. Many communities exist for the very purpose of allowing you to name your most difficult feelings in a safe place, free of judgment. No matter how many relapses you’ve had or broken promises you’ve made to yourself, there are people out there with open ears and open hearts. These places are all about fostering connection and transformation.

Ultimately, by confronting toxicity, nurturing relationships, and embracing faith, you’ll pave the way for a more genuine and fulfilling life.

Conclusion

The main takeaway of this Blink to I Shouldn’t Feel This Way by Alison Cook is that there aren’t any shortcuts to understanding and managing complex emotions like fear, guilt, shame, unhealthy comparisons, and being stuck in toxic relationships.

While many of us have a natural tendency to numb ourselves and push away the difficult feelings, the way forward is to name, frame, and brave them when they arise. In doing so, you’ll learn to be more in tune with your body, set healthy boundaries in toxic relationships, and embrace your talents without succumbing to societal pressures. As you forge a path of self-compassion, you’ll begin to transform emotional pain into personal growth and spiritual resilience.