Are you stuck in the “Good Girl” trap? Here’s how to stop people-pleasing and reclaim your power.

Why does society pit women against each other, and how can you break free from the cycle of shame?

Psychologist Michelle Minnikin exposes the hidden costs of “Good Girl” conditioning in Good Girl Deprogramming. Learn how to resist coercive control, silence your inner critic, and rebel against the stereotypes that hold you back. Ready to unleash your inner rebel? Discover Minnikin’s step-by-step guide to deprogramming the “Good Girl” mindset below, and start living an unapologetically authentic life today.

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Psychologist Michelle Minnikin explains that society coercively uses “Good Girl” and “Bad Girl” stereotypes to make women complicit in their own oppression. Minnikin itemizes how patriarchal attitudes objectify, belittle, degrade, and limit women’s autonomy and agency. Using popular therapeutic jargon, she urges women to think critically, to make time in their busy lives for mindfulness practices, and – most crucially – to stop people-pleasing. Exposing the misogyny she finds inherent in contemporary Western culture, Minnikin calls on women to “rebel” in order to connect with their authentic selves.

Take-Aways

• Society divides women into “Good Girls” and “Bad Girls.”
• Using coercive control, society pressures women to adhere to gender stereotypes.
• Developing critical thinking skills helps women resist coercive control.
• To avoid burning out, practice self-care.
• “Microaggressions” and “people-pleasing” behaviors disempower women.
• “Weaponized” shame and degradation keep women from standing up for their rights.
• A woman who makes herself into someone who no one will mess with empowers herself to own her narrative.

Summary

Society divides women into “Good Girls” and “Bad Girls.”

Good Girls know to be polite, helpful, selfless, and kind. Good Girls take fine care of their homes and children. They are tidy and loyal. They don’t ask for help because they’re trained to nurture other people. Good Girls aren’t overtly sexual and never start arguments. The downsides to being a Good Girl include taking on too much responsibility for other people’s happiness while neglecting their own self-care. Good Girls never complain.

“We don’t need fixing. The system is stacked against us, with misogyny, racism, classism, and more, making things even harder for women, especially those who don’t fit the ‘default’ mold.”

Bad Girls are impolite, unhelpful, and selfish. They are rude and messy. They wear sexy clothes, drink, and swear. They are bad mothers and disloyal partners. According to the Urban Dictionary, Bad Girls are also “sexier and more alluring than good girls.” Society rewards men for being assertive, risky, independent, and domineering, but it condemns and belittles women, describing similar behaviors as “bitchy,” “aggressive,” and “bossy.”

Women and men both experience pressure to conform to gender stereotypes. Not all women prefer the color pink, and some men want to be nurses, yet society funnels them into categories that undermine their autonomy and self-esteem. While any woman would find it detrimental to try to be a Good Girl all the time, being the Bad Girl shouldn’t be the only alternative. Having a new definition of empowered women could help women take more control over their lives.

Using coercive control, society pressures women to adhere to gender stereotypes.

Social scientist Albert Biderman published the “Chart of Coercion” in 1957 after interviewing returning veterans who had been POWs in the Korean War. The Korean Communists had “brainwashed” these veterans with a variety of techniques, including training them to be compliant and erasing their autonomy and sense of self. Biderman found that coercive control relies on violence, intimidation, isolation, and micro-control of daily activities.

“A strategic course of conduct designed to retain privilege and establish domination in personal life based on fear, dependence, and the deprivation of basic rights and liberties. Not only is coercive control the most common context in which [women] are abused, it is also the most dangerous.” (Evan Stark, author of Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life)

Biderman defined the “elements” that make up the coercion victim’s state of mind as, “dependency, debility, and dread.” He divided coercive control into categories, each with related dominance tools:

1. “Isolation and dependence” – The dominant party attempts to exert coercive control by establishing trust, socially isolating the victim, and controlling his or her access to information.
2. “Mental and physical exhaustion” – Those in control use strategic exhaustion, ever-shifting requirements, incentives, and selective rewards to coerce their victims.
3. “Fear, manipulation, and abuse” – The coercive controller wields power and domination, and threats, while weaponizing shame and degradation.

Women must understand how society manipulates them using coercive control techniques and develop strategies for resisting.

Developing critical thinking skills helps women resist coercive control.

Establishing trust with a vulnerable person can too often turn to abuse. While people should not trust others blindly, deciding not to trust anyone leads to fear and anxiety. Strive for a healthy balance.

“Don’t trust everything you see; even salt looks like sugar.”

To discern whom to trust and whom not to trust, build strong critical thinking skills. To think critically:

• Don’t believe everything you are told – Following the herd can prove easier than asserting a different point of view. Mass media and politicians exploit the human tendency to take cognitive “shortcuts” when grappling with complex information.
• Don’t believe everything you think – People tend not to consider whether they are mistaken or if their default beliefs are wrong. Admitting you aren’t always right is a crucial critical-thinking skill.
• Ask questions – The best way to gather new information is to ask questions. Questions enable you to improve on information that lacks context or comes from a suspicious source. Be rigorous in investigating the truth.
• Listen to people with opposite opinions – Escape your usual media echo chambers and pay attention to people you think are wrong. Demonizing others without knowledge or context undermines critical thinking.
• Question how you think – Get out of your comfort zone and ask significant questions, such as, “Why am I here?”
• Reflect – Consider what is happening in your life and why.

Society conditions women to compete against one another for men’s attention and affection.This may be evolutionary since women historically relied on men to “choose” them as mates. The patriarchy benefits when men pit women against one another, thus weakening their power. These ancient patterns lead women to put each other down instead of supporting one another.Being cast in an aggressive posture can lead women to feel ambivalent about their womanhood and ashamed of failing to live up to some impossible, poorly clarified ideal.

To avoid burning out, practice self-care.

Being a woman can be physically and mentally exhausting. Women are the housekeepers, they’re in charge of the children, and many also work full-time while trying to be kind, patient, and people-pleasing. This causes mental exhaustion. In some cases, a woman’s partner and kids may even sabotage her by exercising “malicious incompetence” – doing a task poorly so that she has to do it over and won’t ask for help again.

Society teaches men that women are better at housekeeping, so they must assume only a support role. Men are socialized not to feel guilty for being incompetent or unhelpful in a household setting.

“Where does this need for perfection come from? Striving for perfection can be dangerous, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism, and burnout. When we aim for perfection, we pretty much set ourselves up for failure because perfection is a completely unattainable standard.”

Women experience overwork and burnout in the workforce as well as at home. During the Covid pandemic, female frontline hospital staff members suffered severe mental strain.

Most workplaces treat women unfairly. Often, no one listens to their ideas, rewards their efforts, or appreciates their intelligence. Such treatment may lead women to give up, become despondent, or resort to “learned helplessness,” such as becoming paralyzed in the face of trauma. This “dependence-debility-dread” triad contributes to women deciding to relinquish their goals and accept the status quo.

Even successful women should be aware that taking on additional responsibility at work may mean taking agency from other women. However, when you find that you or other women are being treated unfairly, you can turn to several strong solutions. For example, form alliances with other women and foster communities. Give up the idea that there’s a “right way” and a “wrong way” to do things and find a collaborative path that works. Take some breaks.

“Microaggressions” and “people-pleasing” behaviors disempower women.

Patriarchal systems use coercive control to force women to behave according to invisible and unrealistic expectations. This coercion takes an emotional and physical toll. Instead of autonomy, women must face micro-aggressions from men and from other women, who may, for example, make jokes about “bad” mothers, daughters, or wives. These subtle but damaging social cues reinforce the imperative that women should be obedient and selfless.

“Finding validation and self-worth within yourself is essential rather than relying solely on external input. Focus on your own values, goals, and strengths, and remind yourself of your worth and capabilities.”

People-pleasing may be the most insidious way to control women. Women who have been conditioned to put others first, not rock the boat, avoid conflict, and maintain harmonious relationships often feel they must say “yes” when they want to say “no.” The desire to be liked causes anxiety and pain. Women fear criticism but may become resentful when others ignore their needs. For example, a woman may be suffering after a miscarriage but still feel compelled to keep working and not tell her colleagues because she “doesn’t want to let anyone down.”

To overcome such behaviors, detach from other peoples’ expectations. Reject feedback that judges or condemns you. Take feedback only from people you would go to for advice. Ask for advice only from people you respect who, in turn, respect you. If you must accept feedback from someone you don’t respect, reframe it so that it isn’t personal.

Relying on your own internal feedback builds self-reliance and self-respect. However, do not let your “inner critic” take control. Recognize it, give it a name, make friends with it, and flip the script on it when it becomes too critical.

“Weaponized” shame and degradation keep women from standing up for their rights.

In 1998, Monica Lewinsky had to testify in public that she had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. This fueled mockery and media condemnation.While Lewinsky did not break any laws, people blamed her for the affair. This had a detrimental impact on her life, as she explained in her 2015 Ted talk: The Price of Shame. She reminded her audience members that shame is the opposite of compassion and called on them to be more compassionate in an increasingly hostile world.

“In societies worldwide, the insidious practices of humiliation and degradation persist, often predominantly targeting women. These harmful mechanisms, deeply rooted in cultural norms and societal expectations, damage women’s self-esteem, mental well-being, and overall sense of empowerment.”

Some men and women objectify the female body as a vessel for sexual desire. This dehumanizes women and denies them autonomy. When women suffer abuse or rape, some voices in society might regard them as instigators, not victims,as if they deserve attack because they dressed or behaved in a way society regards as inappropriate. This attitude stems from outdated beliefs that men can do what they want in a sexualized setting, and women should comply. Online bullying amplifies this assumption and pornography reinforces it.

Society conditions women to compare themselves, usually unfavorably, to one another. This affects their friendships and self-esteem and can lead to anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.

Promoting positive self-expression helps young women accept themselves. They need to learn how to become more formidable – to grow into being someone people won’t mess with – so they can disempower those who try to exploit and degrade them.

A woman who makes herself into someone who no one will mess with empowers herself to own her narrative.

To become someone nobody messes with, someone seriously self-empowered, a woman must cultivate her internal locus of control. She must rebel against patriarchy.

“When you are truly at peace and in touch with yourself, and nothing anyone says or does bothers you, and no negativity or drama can touch you.”

Embrace these tactics to demonstrate that no one should mess with you:

• Cultivate self-awareness – By analyzing your thoughts and emotions, you can choose what to improve.
• Learn to regulate your emotions – Use mindfulness and meditation to understand your emotions on a deeper level.
• Accept your imperfections – Release the need for external validation. Make your inner critic your friend.
• Develop compassion for yourself – Treating yourself like someone you care about is a strength, not a weakness.
• Practice feeling grateful – Be thankful for the small things and share your gratitude with your family and friends.
• Find support among your peers – Find kindred spirits who share your values and interests, people who will be there when you need them.
• Don’t let externals control you – Falling prey to external forces causes anxiety and makes you feel helpless.
• Focus on internal control – Only you can control your thoughts and behavior and sometimes that’s all you can control. Master how you react and why.
• Don’t take things personally – Release criticism and narratives that don’t enrich you or help you improve.
• Live an authentic life – Your self-confidence will improve as you honor your true self.

Living without fear and apology enriches your life and gives you the confidence to fight against stereotypes and, thereby, to help liberate other women.

About the Author

Chartered Psychologist Michelle Minnikin has experience in leadership, organizational development, employee relations, and personal growth. She co-authored the Inspiring Research Podcast with James Eves.