Are Your Conversations Toxic? How to Master the ‘Golden Respect’ Rule in a Polarized World

Why Do We Hate Disagreeing? 5 Habits to Build Bridges Instead of Walls with Anyone

Stop avoiding conflict and start building connections with I Respectfully Disagree by Justin Jones-Fosu. Learn the 5 pillars of ‘bridging the divide,’ why your view of respect is obsolete, and how to find common ground even when agreement seems impossible.

Don’t let politics or ideology ruin another relationship—read the full summary below to learn the simple scripts that turn enemies into allies.

Recommendation

Learning to disagree respectfully is a critical skill for anyone who wants to collaborate with others and bridge divisions in an age characterized by increasing polarization. Social entrepreneur Justin Jones-Fosu urges you to transform your approach to dialogue: When you attempt to empathize with those you disagree with, says Jones-Fosu, you might discover you have more in common than you realize. Gain insight into best practices for overcoming ideological divides and navigating tough conversations with grace — even when reaching an agreement seems impossible.

Take-Aways

• Solving humanity’s biggest problems requires overcoming polarization with a powerful mindset shift.
• Respectful disagreement requires curiosity, empathy, and open-mindedness.
• Society needs to update its obsolete views on respect.
• Reflect on how your experiences inform your approach to conflict.
• Foster respectful disagreement by practicing five habits: “Challenge your perspective, be the student, cultivate your curiosity, seek the gray,” and “agree to respect.”
• Treat all people as peers worthy of dignity, respect, and compassion.
• Overcome the “illusion of asymmetric insight” and honor each individual’s complexity.
• Graciously acknowledge others’ contributions to your discussion, even when you fail to reach an agreement.

Summary

Solving humanity’s biggest problems requires overcoming polarization with a powerful mindset shift.

Many believe the world is becoming more polarized, hostile, and violent. People on opposite sides of the US political spectrum view one another as enemies of the common good, and even more serious conflicts are brewing around the world: An estimated 25% of the global population lives in regions scarred by the effects of war. However, there is a way to alter these dynamics. When people learn the art of respectful disagreement, they can see one another as fully human and find ways to work together — even when they don’t see eye-to-eye. Humanity needs this skill to collectively and constructively tackle its biggest existential challenges, like climate change.

“We need to pivot from erecting walls to constructing bridges, from sowing discord to nurturing connections.”

Transforming your approach to navigating difficult conversations requires embracing an “inclusive mindset vision”: You imagine a better world in which all humans can thrive and work to make it a reality. In this world, people treat one another as they would wish to be treated — with “value, dignity, and respect” — and honor diverse perspectives. It is a place where humanity prioritizes fairness, fights injustice, amplifies marginalized voices, and integrates the principles of diversity and inclusion into everyday life. This world allows people to be imperfect and learn from their missteps.

Research shows that people overrate how well they listen and make others feel heard. As you begin your journey to improve your communication with those with whom you disagree, remember the “tortoise principle”: Meaningful change may take time, but with consistent action and a clear sense of purpose, transformation is possible.

Respectful disagreement requires curiosity, empathy, and open-mindedness.

When people are embroiled in a disagreement, they tend to react in one of four ways:

1. “Disrespectful disagreement” — You may interrupt the other person, make assumptions, and fail to pay attention. Disrespectful disagreement results in participants dehumanizing one another and responding with contention.
2. “Respectful disagreement” — You empathetically consider the other person’s perspective, even if doing so challenges your own long-held assumptions and beliefs. You adopt a learner’s mindset, asking clarifying questions to ensure understanding. You look for areas where your views align and acknowledge that the situation might be nuanced rather than binary. If you fail to reach an agreement, you agree to disagree respectfully.
3. “Respectful agreement” — You are genuinely aligned with the other person’s views, beliefs, and framing of the issue.
4. “Disrespectful agreement” — You pretend to agree with another’s perspective publicly while privately disparaging their views in contention — a dishonest and ill-advised approach.

Society needs to update its obsolete views on respect.

Society’s outlook on respect is outmoded. For instance, many people hold that others must earn their respect; that you should only respect people who respect you; that you should agree with those whom you respect publicly, even if you don’t honestly share their views; that you should admire people you respect; that you shouldn’t criticize people in power; that you should be “polite,” “nice,” and “diplomatic” to show respect, even when you don’t want to be; that respectful behavior is conflict avoidant; that a title or position makes someone worthy of respect; that you show respect by being obedient and passive; and that you demonstrate respect through body language cues (for instance, making eye contact or bowing slightly). Such old-fashioned views of respect uphold the status quo at the expense of genuine dialogue.

“When we respect others, we are doing something not only for them but also for ourselves by acknowledging our shared humanity.”

The time is ripe for a new model of respect: “Golden Respect.” Within this superior framework, you grant dignity, value, and respect to all people; you choose to respect others, even when they fail to respect you; you speak and act honestly, even when doing so feels difficult; you see others’ shared humanity, even when you strongly oppose their ideologies; you welcome alternative perspectives; you share your truth from a place of love, endeavoring to help, not harm, others; you treat conflict as a healthy and necessary path toward growth; you believe that all humans — even those without a high-ranking job title or status — are worthy of respect; you remember that everyone has agency to choose their perspectives; you understand that expressions of respect come from the heart, not nonverbal cues and customs. If you’re in a position of power (for instance, a manager), you have a duty to create a culture that upholds Golden Respect. Everyone should feel safe and heard when sharing their perspectives with others.

Reflect on how your experiences inform your approach to conflict.

Your reaction to conflict reflects your past experiences. Consider your “life disagreement markers”: the meaningful moments, both positive and negative, that shaped your response to conflict throughout all stages of your life. For example, if you came from a childhood home where family members yelled at one another, you might have a more aggressive approach to conflict as an adult. Develop an awareness of your biases by contemplating how your life experiences mold your beliefs and outlook. For instance, someone who grew up with authoritarian parents may believe more in the value of discipline as an adult, while someone who grew up with more liberties may prioritize personal freedom.

“Understanding your past will help you move into a future of more respectful disagreements.”

Understanding the ways your past has shaped you is crucial because many people possess some degree of “naive realism”: they believe their perception of reality, and thus conflict, is objectively correct. This belief can lead people to invalidate opposing viewpoints, deeming them the result of faulty reasoning.

When you disagree with someone, you can opt to build a barrier or a bridge. Barriers dehumanize others, while bridges create mutual respect. However, it’s important to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself even when building bridges. Boundaries are guidelines that define which behaviors are appropriate and which are improper. Safe boundaries prevent conflicts from escalating to the point of causing harm. They protect your relationships, keep dialogue constructive, safeguard your emotions, and help you achieve mutual understanding. Good boundaries might include agreeing to avoid personal jibes, setting time limits during difficult conversations, or seeking professional conflict mediation. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings when in the midst of a disagreement, and consider setting a boundary if you feel emotionally exhausted or vulnerable.

Foster respectful disagreement by practicing five habits: “Challenge your perspective, be the student, cultivate your curiosity, seek the gray,” and “agree to respect.”

If you want to improve your relationships and commit to learning and growth, adopt the “5 Pillars of Bridging the Divide”:

1. Challenge your perspective — Don’t surround yourself only with individuals whose ideas and perspectives reflect your own. Escape the echo chamber. Make connections with people from different cultures and backgrounds, and take time to read articles, books, and other literature that expand your worldview.
2. Be the student — Treat conflict as a vehicle for personal growth. Welcome constructive feedback, and take time to reflect on any lessons you’ve learned from prior difficult conversations.
3. Cultivate your curiosity — Instead of feeling threatened when confronted with information or ideas that challenge your perspective, remain “open-minded and open-hearted” as you consider new points of view. Step outside your comfort zone and expand your worldview by, for example, taking up new hobbies.
4. Seek the gray — Don’t leap to assume that others are wrong and you’re right, acknowledge that few issues are black or white. Various shades of gray color most thorny topics, so get comfortable with ambiguity.
5. Agree to respect — Thank others for sharing their feedback, even if you don’t agree with their views, and endeavor to treat all people with kindness and empathy.

Treat all people as peers worthy of dignity, respect, and compassion.

Conflict often stems from “dehumanization”: treating an individual or group of people as less than human and unworthy of respect, compassion, or dignity. It can also mean viewing others as less important, intelligent, or competent than you. This perspective can lead people to socially exclude those who are different and impede individuals in positions of power from empathizing with those who work below them in hierarchical organizations. By contrast, when you humanize others, you treat them as intellectual and emotional peers. You don’t dismiss their views or simplify them into caricatures but, instead, recognize their unique perspectives and experiences.

“Every conversation becomes a window into another person’s world, a stepping-stone to growth, and a bridge to connection.”

If you’re struggling to connect with what others are saying to you, try probing them for more information, using the simple phrase “Tell me more.” Delving into conversation also helps you identify the similarities that unite you with someone with opposing views. This doesn’t mean that you need to stay in abusive or harmful relationships but that you should make a concerted effort to navigate conflicts with more empathy. Research on the art and science of disagreeing published in the Academy of Management Proceedings indicates that people tend to downplay the importance of allowing others to express opposing viewpoints. In other words, while everyone wants to get their message across, they often fail to listen to others’ views, exacerbating divides. Adopt a learner’s mindset, and remember that if you’re not listening with an open mind, you may miss out on valuable lessons.

Overcome the “illusion of asymmetric insight” and honor each individual’s complexity.

Psychologists describe the tendency to believe you understand others and can predict their behavior better than they can understand you and predict your behavior as the “illusion of asymmetric insight.” People who harbor this illusion often view themselves as incredibly complex and nuanced yet fail to view others through this lens, believing them to be more simple and predictable than they truly are. You’ll be a better listener, display more empathy, and avoid unnecessary conflict if you work to overcome this illusion. Resist the urge to “fill in the blanks” when you lack information about others. Instead, engage your curiosity and ask questions. Seek nuance and welcome ambiguity.

“We all are complex, and we all have the ability to understand each other deeply — it’s about open communication, empathetic listening, and acknowledging that no one is as simple as they seem.”

In his book Dialogue: The Art of Thinking Together, author William Issac outlines the following “core principles” of meaningful conversations:

• “Listening” — Listening should be “generative.” Support people in articulating their points of view by listening to achieve a shared understanding.
• “Respecting” — Everyone’s voice matters, and each individual has something to contribute to a discussion.
• “Suspending” — Resist the urge to express preconceived notions, judgments, reactions, and assumptions.
• “Voicing” — Ensure everyone feels psychologically safe voicing their perspective, without fear that others will judge, punish, or ridicule them.
• “Participating” — Each individual present during a discussion should actively participate in the conversation.
• “Inquiring and reflecting” — Engage in deep inquiry, reflecting on what the speaker shares with you and committing to learning from the discussion.

Graciously acknowledge others’ contributions to your discussion, even when you fail to reach an agreement.

When you’re wrapping up a complex conversation, acknowledge all participants’ contributions to the discussion. Reflect on which of the three types of “Full Acknowledgement” apply to your situation when considering how best to validate others:

• “Full Acknowledgement, Full Agreement” — Express full acknowledgment when you fully agree with others by saying something like, “I agree 100% with you.”
• “Full Acknowledgement, Partial Agreement” — Fully acknowledge others when you’re in only partial agreement by saying, “While I don’t fully agree with you, I definitely agree with what you said about X”;
• “Full Acknowledgement, No Agreement” — Fully acknowledge others even when you have no areas of agreement by saying: “Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with me.”

“Now, the choice lies before us: to uphold respect or succumb to disrespect. Each moment offers us this choice.”

To give someone feedback after they’ve shared with you, consider asking, “Do you mind if I share my view on what you shared?” To politely share feedback, consider framing your statement as follows: “I realize that you likely meant the absolute best when you said X, but this is how it came across to me.” Remember, everyone is human and can err when discussing heated topics. Try to give others grace when they share their views clumsily while still holding them accountable — and do the same for yourself. Apologizing sincerely when you’ve mishandled a disagreement is one of the most vital communication skills to master.

About the Author

Social entrepreneur Justin Jones-Fosu is the CEO and founder of Work. Meaningful., an organization that helps companies engage employees and create cultures of inclusion. He is the author of Your Why Matters Now and The Inclusive Mindset.