Table of Contents
Why Is It So Hard to Be Kind to Yourself? A Neuroscientist Explains How to Rewire Your Brain for Self-Compassion.
Start building a healthier, happier life with insights from neuroscience. Learn to manage digital fatigue, practice self-compassion, and turn your brain into your strongest ally. If you’re ready to stop feeling drained and start building a better relationship with your own mind, scroll down to explore the simple, science-backed secrets to making your brain your best friend.
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Science, Health, Nutrition, Mindfulness, Happiness, Personal Development
Be kind to your brain.
How to Make Your Brain Your Best Friend (2025) is a self-help guide from a neuroscience perspective. From exercise to online habits, learn how to work with your brain rather than against it.
Does this sound familiar? You pick up your phone for a “quick check,” and an hour later you realize you’ve been scrolling mindlessly, vaguely unsettled but unable to stop. Or perhaps you’ve noticed how after spending time online, you often feel mentally exhausted.
These moments might seem trivial, but they reveal something deeper: our brains aren’t always working in ways that serve us. In fact, much of what we call “choice” or “identity” is the result of brain processes we barely notice.
In this summary, you’ll discover how to look at your brain differently. By the end, you’ll see it as a partner you can learn to understand and treat kindly. Along the way, we’ll uncover the connection between the brain and well-being, why our sense of self can feel so fragile, and why endless digital stimulation leaves us drained.
Alright. It’s time to make friends with the most powerful, impressionable, and overlooked companion we carry everywhere – our own brain. Let’s get started.
The power of identity
We like to think we’re in control. But behind the scenes, it’s really our brain that’s calling the shots, influencing our thoughts and behavior while we remain, for the most part, totally unaware.
At the same time, we need to remember that the brain absorbs details indiscriminately. It influences us, but in turn, it’s also easily influenced. So, maybe we should think more carefully about what we expose our brain to – not spend hours doom-scrolling, for instance.
In fact, our happiness and well-being are inextricably linked to what’s going on in our brains. Now, that may not sound like breaking news. But it’s worth remembering that the brain has a profound effect on every aspect of our lives, including our sense of identity.
After all, identity is no trivial matter – the beliefs we have about ourselves are the foundation of mental health. And the brain, of course, is the organ driving the search for a sense of self.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, and recognize yourself as “you,” rather than some random stranger, it’s because multiple parts of the brain are working together. For instance, you might want to thank your medial prefrontal cortex, or mPFC, which helps you to maintain a coherent sense of self.
To understand how identity is formed, let’s consider an example. Imagine one of your ancestors – a paleolithic hunter, who proudly wears a necklace with the teeth of the animals he’s killed.
Over time, people in his community come to associate these kinds of necklaces with hunting skill. Their brains make the connection, and the necklace becomes a symbol of identity, and a way to fit in.
The important thing to note here is that the identity symbol is based on lived experience. The hunter’s necklace represents something concrete – hours of tracking and hunting animals. In other words, actual experiences – and the feelings that come with them.
Now, think of a modern-day accessory – an expensive watch, for example. Like the animal tooth necklace, the watch signifies the wearer’s identity, but it’s not quite the same. Our brains realize that there’s a difference.
In the case of the necklace, the brain’s hippocampus communicates with the mPFC. It sends a message saying, “Here you go – an identity update.” When the mPFC receives this clear signal, it’s easier to create a strong, coherent sense of self.
But in the case of the watch – and the absence of lived experiences – the brain gets a little confused. The mPFC doesn’t know how to build an identity story. And another part of the brain, the anterior insular cortex, or the ACC, says, “Hang on a minute…” The result? A sense of cognitive dissonance.
To sum up, in the modern world, many of us are suffering from an identity short circuit. If your brain is confused, so is your sense of identity.
How to embrace self-compassion
To avoid an identity crisis, we’re not saying you should take up hunting. But it is worth seeking to live more authentically, in alignment with your values. Try not to get caught up with consumerism, and all the empty identity-signaling that takes place online.
As we’ve seen, the brain absorbs things easily. It’s highly sensitive. So it’s no wonder that negative social interactions also have an impact – for some of us more than others. Depending on how your brain is wired, you might be particularly sensitive to rejection.
For instance, let’s say you make a joke that falls flat. In your brain, this disconnect is registered by the ACC. It leads to feelings of discomfort, and may affect your self-esteem.
Indeed, self-esteem is a fragile, fickle thing, influenced by many different factors. For that reason, it makes sense to focus on something more stable and dependable. So, rather than trying to improve your self-esteem, the author recommends practicing self-compassion.
Studies suggest that self-compassion is linked to higher levels of emotional resilience and self-worth. It helps us to cope with rejection.
Also, what’s interesting is that self-compassion can actually change our brains. Research has shown that practicing self-compassion alters neural responses to perceived threats. Our brains start to respond differently to failure and rejection.
The key to self-compassion is to know yourself, warts and all. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses. Be curious.
This concept isn’t new, by the way. Ancient Greeks like Socrates and the Stoic philosophers recommended self-awareness. Although they didn’t explicitly say, “be kind to yourself,” it’s implied. The idea was to take a balanced approach – to be honest and humble – and to accept our limitations, rather than aim for perfection.
To practice self-compassion, get into the habit of speaking to yourself kindly. In difficult moments, when you become aware of that negative voice in your head, think about how you would talk to a friend. Would you tell them they’re worthless? Hopefully not. Hopefully, you’d do your best to reassure them, saying things like, “We’re only human. I’m sure it’ll be better next time.”
Practice speaking to yourself in this way – with kindness, and without judgment. At first, it might feel a little strange or uncomfortable, but it’ll get easier with practice.
When the negative voice in your head resurfaces, you’ll realize that it isn’t really yours. It’s just a random collection of judgments you’ve accumulated from others over the years, which has nothing to do with who you are.
Discovering delight
In her twenties, the author found herself dealing with multiple challenges – unemployment, relationship woes, and family troubles.
But although she was often miserable, there were little things that kept her afloat. Street parties. Festivals. Life-drawing classes. And perhaps most of all, drinking tea in her local cat café. Although true happiness felt out of reach, there was something that was always accessible – delight.
We don’t often talk about delight, even though it’s fundamental to our well-being. Deliberately paying attention to these small, joyful moments helps to counteract the brain’s negative tendencies. Our brains are actually hardwired to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. This is known in psychology as negativity bias, and it’s a feature we’ve inherited from our ancient ancestors.
While it’s helped to keep us alive, making us aware of potential dangers, there are times when it’s not so helpful. The negativity bias is the reason why, when you look in the mirror, you might focus on your least favorite part of your body. If you can’t stop thinking about an interview you messed up years ago – you guessed it – that’s also the negativity bias.
Similarly, our brains tend to be hyper-reactive to stress triggers. This is handy in life-and-death situations, but not so great if something fairly mundane, like booking an appointment with a grumpy receptionist, puts you into fight-or-flight mode.
One of the best ways to calm your brain is to seek out delight. Now, we’re not talking about easy dopamine hits. In the moment, drinking wine or scrolling TikTok might make you feel better, but there’s generally a downside.
So instead of looking for instant gratification, focus on delight. Delight often takes the form of little moments of joy – a bath, a good book, or even the sight of a happy dog or contented cat.
To find these moments, it helps to pay attention to your surroundings – to really be present. The author recommends the technique of savoring. This means making an active effort to notice and appreciate your experience right now.
If you’re on a bike ride, for instance, savor the experience. Notice the feel of the sun on your skin, and look out for all the sights along the way. Studies suggest that you’ll not only get more immediate enjoyment out of the experience, but you’re also more likely to remember it in the long-term.
So, as much as possible, remember to look around. Once you start looking, you’ll realize that delight can be found everywhere.
Don’t forget to move
Another reason to go for a bike ride is that movement makes our brains happy. Again, this is a result of thousands of years of evolutionary programming. With improved motor skills, our ancestors could interact with their environment in a more complex way. Over time, this led to the development of more sophisticated cognitive abilities.
Our ancestors had to move to survive. Obviously, this is no longer the case, and many of us live increasingly sedentary lives. But our brains still crave movement, which they associate with learning and growth. So, for your brain’s sake, as well as your body’s, it’s good to stay active.
People who struggle with their mental health are often told to exercise more. But of course, if you’re feeling depressed or anxious, you might not have the energy to go for a run.
It can be tricky to find a balance. Some of us face real obstacles, and exercise isn’t a magic cure-all for mental health. That being said, countless studies show that exercise can make a significant difference to how we feel.
For those suffering from anxiety, depression, stress, or even PTSD, a larger hippocampus seems to be beneficial. This part of the brain thrives when there are high levels of a protein called BDNF. Even a single exercise session can boost BDNF levels, and often, the benefits are almost instantaneous – a better mood, and improved cognition.
Now, you don’t need to be running marathons or doing daily high-intensity workouts. Barr’s advice is to start slow, set realistic targets, and – this is important – do something you enjoy. Or, at least, don’t do something you hate. Choose a form of exercise that you generally look forward to – not all the time, but some of the time, at least.
Also, maybe we should change the way we view exercise. It doesn’t have to be about achieving ambitious goals, or having a perfect body.
The author suggests that fitness goals should be for fun, and the satisfaction of doing something that once seemed impossible. When you exercise, in whatever form you choose, find opportunities to be playful.
Ultimately, exercise is movement. And movement is about freedom – the freedom to enjoy our bodies, and use our brains in the way they were designed.
Be wary of your online habits
You know what our brains weren’t designed for? The internet. Or at least, they weren’t designed to cope with the infinite scroll, and avalanches of data. When we spend hours online, hopping between tabs, trying to focus on ten things at once, our brains get exhausted.
Part of the problem is that we’re naturally inclined to seek stimulation. Our brains hate boredom. Perhaps it’s because early humans had to stay busy just to survive – constant activity was normal. Or maybe boredom had an evolutionary advantage, motivating our ancestors to explore, forage, or get to know potential mates.
Whatever the cause, modern-day humans can’t stand boredom. It’s no wonder we’re so drawn to the endless entertainment provided by the internet. But if you spend hours in front of a screen, you’ll probably notice the effect – mental fatigue, or even exhaustion. Maybe it’s time to give your brain a break.
Barr recommends stepping away from the computer every 30 to 90 minutes. Recharge by stretching, or spending some time outside. While you might be tempted to look at your phone, from your brain’s perspective, that doesn’t really count as a break. Think of it like pausing mid-marathon to do some sprints.
Also, try to go easy on your brain while you’re looking for information online. Do it slowly – even mindfully. Instead of speed-reading articles and hopping from one link to another, take your time, and pause every now and then so you can take in the information. Give your brain a moment to process it.
Another thing to keep in mind is that our brains weren’t built for multitasking. They’re designed to focus on one thing at a time. Behind the scenes, our attentional filter decides what can be safely ignored – the hum of a fridge, for example.
When we try to juggle several different tasks – as we often do online – the attentional filter gets overwhelmed, and mental fatigue sets in. So, to reduce tiredness and stress – and to improve your concentration – focus on one task at a time.
And here’s one last recommendation – try to embrace boredom. Rather than reaching for your phone every time you have a spare moment, allow yourself to feel bored. Sit with the feeling.
Without the distraction of digital content, you might discover just how powerful boredom can be – a catalyst for creative inspiration and problem-solving. Who knows what your brain might come up with, if you give it the chance.
Conclusion
In this summary to How to Make Your Brain Your Best Friend by Rachel Barr, you’ve learned that the brain largely drives our thoughts and identity, absorbing inputs indiscriminately.
Our brains find it easier to create a solid sense of identity when it’s built from lived experiences. So strive to live authentically, and protect your brain from empty online identity signaling.
It’s also important to cultivate self-compassion, and speak kindly to yourself. Over time, this changes neural responses to rejection, and builds resilience. And don’t forget to seek out small moments of delight in your daily life. Savoring sensory experiences helps to counteract the brain’s inherent negativity bias.
Movement makes a difference too. Regular, enjoyable physical activity boosts BDNF and the hippocampus, improving mood and cognition. Finally, remember that consuming online content can overwhelm the brain. Take regular breaks, consume information mindfully, and embrace boredom from time to time.
Together, these practices can help to improve your well-being. When you live in closer alignment with the way your brain functions naturally, you can feel the difference.