Summary: Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement by Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres

• The book teaches how to use Appreciative Inquiry (AI), a positive change method, to have generative conversations that create value and meaning.
• The book explains two simple practices (positive framing and generative questions) and four principles (constructionist, simultaneity, poetic, and anticipatory) that guide AI and generative conversations.
• The book provides examples, science, and tips on how to apply these practices and principles in various contexts and situations.

Conversations Worth Having (2018) looks at the power of conversation in our lives and what we can do to communicate more productively at work, in our relationships, and in the community. Drawing on real-life stories and scientifically based theories, it illustrates how we can improve organizations and lives using the principle of Appreciative Inquiry – effective conversation through positive perspective and asking the right questions.

Introduction: Energize your conversations through Appreciative Inquiry.

Conversations are at the heart of how we interact. The words we choose and the tone we adopt can drastically change our experiences and those of others. A positive conversation can fuel productivity, build strong connections, and generate change for the better, while a negative conversation can stifle growth, damage relationships, and leave us emotionally and physically exhausted.

Luckily, there’s a way to ensure that we always have the best conversations possible – a process called Appreciative Inquiry. This simple, practical, and well-tested method involves positively framing the situation and asking questions to move the conversation in the right direction, making sure that everyone involved feels satisfied and heard.

In this summary, you’ll learn how to pay attention to what you’re actually saying, and how to use the two techniques and five principles of Appreciative Inquiry to guarantee that your conversation is one worth having. So, if you’re ready, let’s get talking!

In this summary, you’ll learn

• the secret influences hiding beneath every conversation;
• how to flip a problem on its head; and
• why some teachers are better for you than others.

Tune in to the type of conversation you’re having.

Alisha Patel works at a busy medical center in New England, and she’s about to have an important conversation. There’ve been some negative patient satisfaction reports from one of her hospital units; it seems a recent change in management and increase in workload has left the staff overworked, stressed, and unengaged. Alisha is here to talk to the tired and tense group of nurses. Could something as simple as the right conversation be enough to turn the situation around and improve morale? The answer is yes.

But before we look at Alisha’s organization-changing conversation, let’s see what she used to say in these situations – before she learned to tune in to the specific type of conversation she was having. There was a time when she would have said, “These reports aren’t satisfactory. Every quarter it’s the same or worse. You’ve clearly done nothing to improve!” This would result in defensive excuses from the staff and they’d leave demoralized with no idea how to fix the issue.

These types of conversations are what we call depreciative – they devalue the situation. Alisha would just focus on stating the problem, with no investigation as to why there’s a problem in the first place or what the staff think of it. These conversations are unproductive and lead to defensiveness and disengagement.

So, what does Alisha do now? She uses Appreciative Inquiry – a technique based on adding value and asking questions. She asks the nurses what’s been working well in the unit and for examples of satisfied patients.

After the initial shock of such an unexpectedly positive direction of conversation, the nurses share their stories – and they discover several common themes and actions which can help them improve patient satisfaction. Alisha’s success is confirmed after the meeting when one nurse exclaims, “This was so effective. I know things are going to improve after just one meeting with you!”

While not every interaction will go this well, this type of conversation is what you want to strive for when trying to create positive change at work, in your relationships, or in the community. And there’s one important thing you need to do before you can have this conversation: you need to tune in to the unseen influences of the situation.

Think of it as an iceberg – on the surface we have our visible behaviors and actions in the form of conversations. However, hidden beneath are the unconscious drivers of those conversations. Things like our beliefs, expectations, stress, biases, world-view, how much sleep we got last night – everything that can affect what we say.

And just like with the Titanic, if you’re not aware of what’s floating beneath the surface, this iceberg can sink a relationship.

Conversations which are driven by these unseen factors are often of the depreciative type mentioned before. If you want to turn the discussion into a conversation worth having, you need to find a way to bring these unseen influences into the light. Luckily, there’s a very simple technique you can use to tune in. It involves three steps: pause, breathe, and get curious.

So the next time you find yourself on the verge of a depreciative conversation, the first thing you should do is pause. This stops the current momentum before things get out of control.

Use this moment to breathe. Breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress. The effect is strongest if you take a deep breath, hold it for a short time, then let it out slowly, and repeat.

Finally, get curious. Ask questions which allow you to consciously take charge of what’s going on in your head. What’s the bigger picture? What assumptions am I making? What don’t I know that might be important? What emotions am I experiencing?

This simple exercise stops you from being controlled by those unseen influences and allows you to get in the driver’s seat and deliberately foster the conversation you want to have – one based on Appreciative Inquiry.

In the next chapter, we’ll take a closer look at this concept, and the two basic practices that it involves.

Apply Appreciative Inquiry using generative questions and positive framing.

Jerry Sternin works for Save the Children, a nongovernmental organization concerned with improving the well-being of children around the world. He has an important job: in just six months he has to solve the problem of childhood malnutrition in south Vietnam. Due to the time restraints, he knows that conventional solutions of achieving clean water or initiating an educational program won’t work.

Forced to think outside the box, Jerry asks himself what is known as a generative question: “I wonder if there are families where the children are thriving?”

Generative questions are an essential part of Appreciative Inquiry. If a question is generative, it adds value to a situation – by revealing hidden information, creating shared understanding, generating new knowledge, or inspiring possibilities.

Jerry’s question did a great job of revealing invisible information because the answer was: “Yes, there are families with thriving children.” This led him to another generative question that resulted in new knowledge: “Is there something the mothers of these children are doing that is making the difference?”

Jerry found that in the families with thriving children, some mothers weren’t following cultural norms. They ate more meals a day, they ate shrimp and crabs, and they still ate when they were sick. All this resulted in improved nutrition. Jerry’s generative questions had uncovered a simple solution that could easily and quickly be taught to the other families.

It’s questions like these which should be asked in any conversation worth having. Once you’ve tuned in and become aware of any unconscious influences, you should be in a position to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind.

Take the example of Monica and her teenage son, Aiden, arguing about whether he could borrow the car over the weekend. After the usual back and forth about safety and independence, Monica asked the generative question, “How can we come to some agreement that allows you to get the car and me to feel comfortable that you’ll make good decisions?”

This question started a brand-new and more positive conversation, shifting the focus to something they both wanted. It’s here where generative questions meet the other half of Appreciative Inquiry: positive framing.

We’ll look at this concept through the story of Mark, a mid-level manager in a Fortune 100 company. His employee, Melissa, is a very good worker with one problem: she’s often late for her regular Wednesday meeting. Mark has to have a difficult conversation with Melissa regarding this issue. Luckily, he’s been trained in the methods of Appreciative Inquiry.

The old Mark would have been critical and direct, saying something like, “This is a problem. You’re always late and miss Wednesday’s deadlines. You have to change.” As you now know, this kind of conversation is depreciative and unproductive.

Instead, Mark uses positive framing. This involves focusing attention on the desired positive outcome rather than the problem itself. He does this through a three-step process called flipping. He first defines the problem, then finds its positive opposite, and finally focuses the conversation on what the impact of this positive opposite would be. Let’s take a closer look at his method.

Defining the problem is simple enough. Melissa is late for work and therefore misses deadlines. What would be the opposite of this? Melissa is always on time and doesn’t miss deadlines. So far so good. So what would be the result if this were true? Mark concludes that the team would have a strong sense of cohesion, improved performance, and there’d be generally more trust.

With this positive frame in mind, Mark begins the conversation by stressing the importance of having a strong team with members who trust each other. Melissa agrees with this desire and is more receptive when Mark brings up the effect her tardiness is having on the team. Using a generative question, he asks, “Is there something about Wednesday morning that’s problematic?”

Mark soon discovers that Melissa drops her son at daycare on Wednesday mornings. The whole problem is solved by starting the meeting half an hour later. The positive frame which Mark used, combined with the generative questions, turned a potentially critical conversation into a productive one, creating simple and effective solutions.

Positive framing can be used in nearly any situation to change the dynamics of a conversation. This, combined with generative questions to expand awareness, forms the foundation of Appreciative Inquiry.

Keeping that in mind, let’s look at five principles that can help guide your conversations.

There are five fundamental principles underlying all our conversations.

Let’s explore the five principles through the story of a seventh grader named Jamal and two of his teachers. His first teacher, Ms. Wittit, teaches social studies. This is Jamal’s favorite class and he thrives in it. His other teacher, Ms. Summers, teaches English. Jamal doesn’t enjoy English so much.

Jamal’s behavior in each class is pretty similar – he clowns around a bit, often stares out the window, and turns in the odd bad assignment. However, his experience with each of these teachers is dramatically different.

Ms. Wittit is much more tolerant of Jamal’s occasional bad behavior. She believes clowning around is his way of connecting with his peers, and looking out the window is his way of concentrating. When having conversations with him about a bad assignment, she uses Appreciative Inquiry, focusing on success and asking generative questions.

Ms. Summers, on the other hand, is much more critical. She tries to directly stop what she sees as negative behavior, and conversations about assignments generally focus on the problems.

Both Ms. Summers and Ms. Wittit are caring teachers who want the best for Jamal. So why are their interactions so different? To understand this, you need to know the personal beliefs which they’re bringing to the classroom.

You see, Ms. Summers grew up in a very strict household where she was raised to believe that success comes from discipline and attention is important. You focus, you do your work, you succeed.

Ms. Wittit, however, came from a more artistic household where patience and nurtured passion were expected to result in success.

They each brought their own worldview to their interactions and conversations with Jamal.

This highlights the first key principle of Appreciative Inquiry, called the constructionist principle. Our worldview is constructed by our own past experiences and interactions, and this in turn governs how we understand and proceed with the conversations we have. With this in mind, it’s important to hold your viewpoint lightly and be open to change.

The next principle is the simultaneity principle. This says that when we make a statement or ask a question in a conversation, we change the world by affecting the person who hears it. This explains the huge difference in Jamal’s attitude between the classes. The lesson here? Choose your words carefully.

The poetic principle states that every person, group, or situation can be understood from many perspectives. This can be seen when Ms. Wittit saw Jamal’s clowning around as socializing, while Ms. Summers saw it as distracting. It’s important to realize that you have a choice in how you interpret things.

The anticipatory principle is the idea that our expectations influence our intention when having a conversation. Ms. Summers expected behavioral issues, so that’s what she addressed. Ms. Wittit anticipated that Jamal had specific strengths and interests, so that’s what she focused on.

Finally, the positive principle is the idea that the more positive a question, the more positive and long-lasting the outcome. When Ms. Wittit asked more positive questions, she had more success with Jamal. The lesson here is: ask strong questions focused on affirmation and possibility.

In the final chapter, we’ll explore some practical ways that Appreciative Inquiry and the five principles can be applied to your work, family, and community.

You can apply Appreciative Inquiry to all aspects of your life.

Conversations are at the core of all human interactions, and these human interactions form all of our social systems and organizations: work, family, and community. Throughout the course of this summary you’ve heard many stories illustrating the value of Appreciative Inquiry in fostering healthy conversations. Let’s finish up with one last story about the author Jackie Stavros’s own daughter, Ally, regarding an emotional experience at the age of 13.

Ally’s vacation was cut short when her dad was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. Her mom stayed with him in hospital, while Ally and her brother were sent to live with different relatives. She could only visit her dad once a week for a short amount of time.

Naturally, she was terrified about the future, and asked her mother, “Is dad going to die?” Her mom trusted Ally enough not simply to give her the answer she wanted to hear. “Ally, we’re all going to die someday, but for now we just have to stay positive and appreciate what is.” This led to a life-changing conversation she recalls with her mom.

“How can I appreciate this?” Ally asked in frustration. In response, her mom changed the conversation by asking a simple generative question: “Tell me about your favorite moment with your dad.” This positive, productive question led to a happy recollection of all the fun times with her dad.

One of the things Ally mentioned was how she’d sit with her dad on the porch and watch the sunset. “I’ll tell you what,” her mom replied. “Tonight, I want you to sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. While you’re doing that, I’ll push your dad up to the hospital window and we’ll watch it too.”

Ally’s father pulled through in the end and family life is back to normal. Ally recognizes the significance of that interaction with her mom. How her mom used Appreciative Inquiry to turn a dark situation into a helpful and productive conversation. That moment taught her to live with an appreciative mindset, which she still has to this day.

And you can adopt that mindset too. Through Appreciative Inquiry, you can change the nature of the conversations you have with yourself, your partner, your children, your colleagues, and anyone in your life.

Instead of blaming yourself for not accomplishing something today, ask yourself how you can be more effective tomorrow.

Instead of telling your partner how unhappy you are just watching TV every evening, engage them in a conversation about how much fun you had together when you went out more.

Don’t scold and punish your children for coming home late, tell them that you care about them and ask what it is about the current curfew that makes it so hard to keep.

And just like Alisha, the hospital administrator we talked about in the first chapter, don’t criticize your colleagues for poor performance, ask them to find instances of what works well and focus on that.

We are our interactions. Make sure your conversations are ones worth having.

Summary

The most important thing to remember from all this is:

Appreciative Inquiry can change your world. Tune in to your unseen influences, positively frame the situation, and ask generative questions to create conversations worth having. You’ll be surprised by the results you get!

And here’s some more actionable advice:

Observe your conversations for a day.

Take a sheet of paper or an index card and label one side “negative” and the other side “positive.” Whenever you have a conversation today, decide if it was appreciative – adding value – or depreciative – devaluing. Put a tick under the appropriate heading, along with a few notes on how you felt during the interaction or what the general tone was.

At the end of the day, reflect on the interactions, and add up the total positive versus negative conversations to make a ratio. If the ratio is less than three positive to one negative conversation, then it’s time to make a change!

About the author

Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres have been internationally recognized for their work with Appreciative Inquiry. They’ve positively affected the lives of thousands of people and helped hundreds of organizations improve their capacity to thrive in uncertain times. They have been researching, writing, consulting, and speaking on Appreciative Inquiry since 1996.

Genres

Communication Skills, Career Success, Leadership, Business, Management, Language, Self Help, Personal Development, Relationships, Business Mentoring and Coaching, Social Skills

Table of Contents

List of Stories viii
List of Tables viii
List of Figures ix
Preface xi

Introduction David L. Cooperrider 1
1 Shifting Conversations 13
2 What Kind of Conversations Are You Having? 29
3 Who’s Driving? Tune In 49
4 Two Simple Appreciative Practices 61
5 What’s Fueling Your Conversations? 91
6 Scaling Up Great Conversations 113
7 Its Not Magic, It’s Science! 135
8 Any Time, Any Place, Any Situation 149

Conversations Worth Having Discussion Guide: Generative Questions for Self and Teams 165
Notes 169
Selected Bibliography 177
Acknowledgments 179
Index 185
CWH Offerings 189
Collaborative Partnerships 193
About the Authors 195

List of Stories
Dee Hock at Visa Corporation 1
Alisha at the New England Medical Center 13
Elizabeth, Ram, Mary, and Kamal at Community One Bank 20
Jake and Timmy below the line 50
Bob and Mia and project deadlines 65
Jerry Sternin and Save the Children 66
Gabriela’s generative question for the university provost 68
Monica and Aiden’s parent-son conversation about the car 69
Colleen being ignored and interrupted in meetings 74
Mark at a Fortune 100 company, preparing to talk with Melissa about being late 77
George and his daughter dropping out of school 84
Jamal and his teachers 97
Daniel and First Nations gangs 104
Ravi at the international tech company in India 106
Jack and his kids at bedtime 108
Erich and the German automotive tech center 114
Los Angeles police and HeartMath 136
Ally’s story about her dad 160

List of Tables
4.1 Examples of Generative Questions 75
4.2 How Positive Framing Draws People In and Inspires Engagement 78
5.1 Principles at Work in Jamal’s Story 101
5.2 Appreciative Inquiry Principles Summary 111
6.1 Five Classic Questions for an Appreciative Inquiry Interview 123
6.2 Appreciative Inquiry 5-D Cycle: Phases and Activities 133
7.1 Results of Losada and Heaphy’s Research 145

List of Figures
1.1 Conversations Worth Having Theory of Change 25
2.1 The Nature of Conversations 31
2.2 Conversations above and below the Line 33
3.1 Tip of Conversations 52
3.2 The Chinese Character for “To Listen” 58
4.1 Awareness and Outcomes from Generative Questions 72
4.2 Flipping: Framing a Conversation Worth Having 84
6.1 Appreciative Inquiry 5-D Cycle 117
7.1 Right Brain/Left Brain Neural Processing Centers 139

Review

The book is a guide to changing the way we communicate with others, using the principles and practices of Appreciative Inquiry (AI), a positive change method that focuses on what is working well and how to amplify it. The authors, who are experts in AI, explain how conversations can be either generative or destructive, depending on how we frame them, what questions we ask, and what emotions we evoke.

They offer two simple practices to make our conversations more generative: positive framing and generative questions. Positive framing is the art of choosing words and phrases that create a positive tone and open up possibilities. Generative questions are those that deepen understanding, spark curiosity, and invite co-creation.

The authors also introduce four principles that underlie AI and generative conversations: constructionist, simultaneity, poetic, and anticipatory. These principles help us understand how our conversations shape our reality, how our questions influence our actions, how our stories create our future, and how our imagination drives our innovation.

The book provides many examples of how to apply these practices and principles in various contexts, such as personal relationships, teams, organizations, and communities. It also explains the science behind why these conversations work, drawing on research from neuroscience, positive psychology, and complexity theory. The book concludes with a chapter on how to use these conversations in any time, place, or situation, and a discussion guide for readers who want to deepen their learning.

I found this book to be very insightful and practical. It challenged me to rethink how I communicate with others and how I can make my conversations more meaningful and productive. I liked how the authors used stories and anecdotes to illustrate their points and make them relatable. I also appreciated the clear explanations of the AI principles and practices, as well as the scientific evidence that supports them.

The book is well-written, engaging, and easy to follow. It is suitable for anyone who wants to improve their communication skills and their relationships with others. It is also relevant for leaders, managers, coaches, consultants, educators, and anyone who wants to foster positive change in their organizations or communities. The book is not only informative but also inspiring. It shows us how we can use our conversations to create a better world for ourselves and others. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to have conversations worth having.