Summary: Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time by Susan Scott

“Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott emphasizes the importance of honest and open dialogue in both personal and professional interactions.
The book offers seven key principles for improving communication, including facing reality, active listening, and taking responsibility for emotional impacts.
It provides practical guidance and exercises to help readers enhance their conversational skills and build more meaningful connections in their lives.

Fierce Conversations (2002) is a practical guide to having authentic, powerful conversations that can change the trajectory of your life. It uses anecdotes, practical techniques, and assignments to illustrate how conversations are the cornerstone of relationships.

Recommendation

This book offers numerous useful principles that will help anyone become a better conversationalist and a more responsive listener. Read carefully because gems of very valuable content are scattered through the entire book, a sentence here, a quotation there, buried in long, interesting digressions about the author’s life, people she’s known and clients she’s worked with over time. A judicious editor could have made a very sharp and effective pocket book out of this material about managing intense, strong discussions with skill. As it is, you’ll have to do some digging, but you’ll have a perfectly good time doing it, particularly if you are a fan of New Age mantras and can handle a little touchy-feely vocabulary. We assure you that the lessons you’ll learn about conversations – including fierce ones – will stand you in good stead.

Book Summary: Fierce Conversations - Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time

Take-Aways

Treat every conversation as if it’s your most important conversation.
Face facts.
Ask questions.
Deal with today’s problems immediately – today.
Obey your gut.
Take responsibility for everything you say.
Silence is part of a good conversation.
Say “and” instead of “but.”
Don’t talk at people – talk with them.
A conversation is a relationship.

Introduction: Unlock your brave, authentic self to have transformative, fierce conversations.

Raise your hand if you want to be the friend who points out that their roommate’s fiancé seems like trouble.

Or the employee who talks to their coworker about how missed deadlines are hurting the team.

Or the manager who needs to rein in a team leader whose methods are a little too autocratic for the group.

Awkward conversations – very few of us enjoy them. After all, being present, embracing candor, and finding authenticity isn’t easy.

In this summary to Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations, you’ll discover exercises and techniques to help you become an expert communicator – and see that powerful, effective conversations can lead to transformation in both your personal and professional life.

Fierce conversations can alter lives

How did I get here?

It’s a question you may ask yourself as you survey your once successful business – now a shaky enterprise with disgruntled employees and an unhappy client base. Or as you consider your unsatisfactory personal life with a partner you no longer connect with.

If life is a board game, the dice you throw to advance in the game are conversations. But a conversation isn’t just words – it’s a relationship with yourself and others. So the type of conversations you have matter. They’re the difference between getting stuck at go and changing the whole trajectory of your life.

Assuming you’re interested in that second option, your conversations need to be fierce.

Fierce conversations are powerful, passionate, untamed, and – most importantly – authentic. They’re the conversations the real you has – the version of yourself that might typically hide behind manners or fear.

In a company where fierce conversations occur, employees feel included and invested in the company’s overall success, leaders are effective mentors, mediocrity isn’t tolerated, and everyone feels comfortable and empowered to speak their truth. And at home, families and friendships can thrive in the safety of knowing that everyone’s best interests are at heart – even if the truth is sometimes hard to hear.

In the next sections, we’ll lay out the seven principles of Fierce Conversations that can help you rewrite your relationships.

Find and honor everyone’s truth

In the fall of 2001, a Bering Sea crab fishery faced an odd situation: they’d received more than double their normal amount of orders from Japan.

Why this spike in demand? Well, it was right after the 9/11 attacks, and many Japanese travelers had canceled their plans to visit the United States. They stayed home instead – and ate more crab!

What does this story illustrate? That in life and business, weird stuff happens – often in ways we can’t control. It’s in the details of how we respond to these vagaries of fate that we either succeed or fail.

The key is to understand that there is a multiplicity of truths. And the fiercest conversations will honor as many as possible. That’s what the crab fishery did to deal with the sudden increased demand, considering that the fishermen, accountant, salesperson, and CEO all had a different context and truth.

Here are the steps for including as many truths as possible when dealing with a business issue – with or without the crab.

First, identify the issue in one or two concise sentences, and categorize it. Is it a challenge? An opportunity? A recurring problem? Use bullet points to summarize the background and steps taken to date. With your current options, clearly state what kind of additional help you’ll need.

Second, set up a meeting and invite not just those who are directly involved, but also people who could be impacted downstream. When in doubt, include rather than exclude. Send context ahead of time, and make it clear you expect attendees to prepare.

During the meeting, discourage people from taking notes – instead, insist on eye contact. Ask for feedback, and push for all sides of the issue. If someone doesn’t contribute, call on them by name. If someone disagrees, respond with authentic and genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Finally, ask everyone to write down their solutions and read them out loud. Summarize what you heard, give verbal thanks for participants’ contributions, and keep them posted about results. Honoring all their truths will lead to better, more nuanced outcomes for everybody.

Always choose authenticity

You’re in a meeting where your manager, Neel, wants input on why a recent campaign failed. Although you know that Neel’s decision to greenlight an inexperienced contractor was the reason, you keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to lose your job!

But imagine if you did speak up. Sure, Neel may give you the stink eye – or worse. But because you identified the problem at hand, Neel may also improve his vetting processes.

Imagine that your authentic self – the one who wants to have this difficult conversation – is standing behind the version that’s afraid to do so. To have a fierce conversation, you must step out from behind the inhibited you.

Say we flip the scenario, and now you’re the manager. The same thing still applies. Let the authentic you step out from behind the version of yourself that is afraid to hear criticism. Take the blame. Accept the mistakes. Encourage input – it’s key to remain open and available, especially to the employee who may have spoken against you. Invite and cultivate radical transparency.

Here are some assignments that can help you find that brave, authentic self.

First, in a few words or phrases, write down how you feel about yourself, your life, and your work.

Second, imagine if your life were a movie. What would the plot be? The conflict? The perfect ending? This fierce conversation is with yourself, but it affects all your relationships: ask where you’re going and why, who will go with you, and how you’ll get there.

Third, determine the people you need to have fierce conversations with. Your spouse? Your manager? Your siblings? Write down what you’d like to talk about.

Finally, identify one big issue you want to solve. Clarify it. Determine its impact and implications. Recognize how you’ve contributed to this situation, and what resolution would look like. Commit to action by creating and signing a contract with yourself.

These intentional clarifications and conversations are the foundation in your journey to finding your authentic self.

The importance of being present

Sometimes, being present means paying closer attention to what isn’t said.

Here’s an example. During one of her Fierce Conversations workshops, Susan Scott asked a participant – let’s call him James – to talk about a problem. She then divided the audience into three groups. She asked a third of the participants to listen to what James said, a third to note his emotion, and the final third to pay attention to his intent.

Standing in front of the room, James spoke of his struggles with weight gain and his intention to do better through exercise and eating better. Afterward, Scott asked the three listening groups to discuss what they’d heard.

Group one repeated back the words that James had spoken.

Group two noted that James appeared frustrated and embarrassed.

But the third group’s verdict was perhaps the harshest. They declared that James wasn’t ready to do anything about his problem.

James disagreed with them, but it didn’t go unnoticed that he grabbed extra brownies during the next break.

Fierce conversations go beyond the words that are spoken. Listening and observing play a crucial role in understanding intentions. One effective way to do this is by maintaining eye contact. That way, you won’t get distracted by other things in the room and can give the other person your full attention.

Being fully present means you can delve deeper into conversations. You can even prepare for a fierce conversation by asking questions like, “Is there a topic you hope I won’t bring up?” or “If you had more time to devote to something, what would it be?”

During the actual conversation, you may have to bite your tongue – but avoid giving advice or making declarative statements. This is your chance to simply listen and be fully present, which is just as important as talking.

Master the art of radical candor

As a manager, it can be tempting to put off the awkward conversations about a junior employee’s less-than-stellar performance or a coworker’s slow progress on a project. But delivering that feedback is beneficial to everyone.

If you cringe at the thought of confrontation, don’t worry. Scott has come up with a tried-and-true method of making the process of delivering feedback a lot easier.

To start, you’ll need to prepare a short opening statement that can be delivered in under a minute. In that statement, you’ll cover seven distinct parts.

First, name the issue. For instance, you could say, “Sam, I want to talk about how you lead meetings and the effect that has on the team.” Use words like “I want” or “I’d like,” which are less anxiety-inducing than “I need.”

Second, give an example: “I heard from some of your direct reports that you don’t send out agendas, and that meetings typically last 30-45 minutes past their scheduled end time.”

Third, explain your emotions: “I’m worried about the impact this will have on morale.”

Fourth, describe what’s at stake. You could say, “Several employees have approached me about leaving the team because they feel frustrated about wasting time.”

Next, show your involvement: “I should have stepped up earlier to give you this feedback before it became a topic of conversation among others. I’m sorry about that.”

Sixth, make it clear that you want to find a solution by saying something like, “I want to resolve this issue of inefficient meetings.”

Finally, issue an invitation for a response: “Could you please share your feelings about this issue with me?”

Once you’ve delivered your opening statement, move on to the next step: interaction. If the person you’re speaking to deflects, gently bring them back to the issue at hand. To wrap things up, work toward a resolution. Come to a clear agreement – not just about what has been understood on both sides, but about how things will proceed.

The left-hand column

Imagine a sheet of paper with two columns. The right column contains the things that are actually being said. The left column contains what you think about what’s being said.

For example, let’s say you’re having a conversation with Jin, a friend who’s considering applying for a promotion. Jin is worried that her qualifications aren’t as strong as other candidates’.

Your right column might say the encouraging words you speak to Jin as her friend: “I think you have a good shot.”

Then your left column might say, “But I don’t think you’ll beat out Ernesto, who had that amazing presentation last week.” Instead of not saying your left-column thoughts, which could help Jin, or blurting them out, which could hurt her feelings, try and find neutral ground: “I think you should apply. I can work with you on practicing your presentation skills.”

The left-hand column is also a place to note observations. Scott offers the example of David, who was having difficulties dealing with his son, Ron. Ron had got in with a bad crowd, fought with his parents to the point of threatening to hurt them, and left home. During the conversation, Scott noted that David seemed blank, almost emotionless, as though he was speaking from within a fogbank. When she brought up this observation, David admitted that he had not allowed himself to feel any emotion since his son left – and that yes, he saw himself as almost invisible inside a dense cloud. This insight helped Scott lead David to the next level of healing.

We’re often afraid of offending someone. It can be hard to say out loud what we’re thinking inside because we’re conditioned to be “nice.” But speaking the left column’s truth is the fierce thing to do.

Temper your wake, and practice silence

You know how when you eat something delicious, it leaves a lovely flavor in your mouth that lasts long after the last bite has been swallowed? The same occurs when you eat something bitter or unpleasant – the taste can linger hours after the meal has been consumed.

It kind of works the same way with interactions. The way you interact with someone and make them feel may be intangible, but it’s still very real. Scott calls this a “wake” – the feeling you leave behind when you’re no longer there. It’s important to be cognizant of your wake, and to take measures to ensure that the taste you leave is sweet and not sour.

So let’s look at what not to do. Calling people names, playing the blame game, extrapolating small things to all-encompassing ones (“You forgot my dry-cleaning therefore you don’t care about me”), and saying things like “You don’t get it” or “Here you go again” – those are all things you want to avoid. Keep in mind that words aren’t the only way to hurt someone. Facial expressions and tone of voice can have the same effect.

If a situation is getting awkward or emotionally intense, it can be tempting to run away. But the more intense the scenario, the more important it is to stay grounded and authentic. Think of yourself as a crucible. Maybe someone says something to make you feel angry. Instead of melting, boiling, or cracking under pressure, become stronger. Become an iron pot where change can occur – where you can transform your anger into something more productive.

We’ve talked a lot about how to speak and what to say. Now, let’s briefly talk about the importance of silence – the final principle of fierce conversations. Silence can be used to introduce a significant pause, which gives you space to understand what the conversation is truly about. Being silent can also help you see what you feel. But beware of slipping into the territory of passive aggression, or a silence that congeals to the point of no return, which can wall off the conversation. Silence should be used as a tool, not a weapon.

Remember, conversations aren’t just words being exchanged between two people – they’re a lifelong relationship you build with yourself and others. Cultivating and conducting fierce conversations will lead to a more authentic existence, which will result in a healthier, happier you.

Summary

Principles to Speak by

The seven principles of conversation are:

Be courageous and check the facts.
Choose to be authentic.
Live in this moment, now, listening to and speaking to this person, now.
Face your problems today, solve them and move on.
Go with your gut instinct. Obey your intuition.
Conversations are relationships. Take responsibility. Nothing you say is trivial.
Shut up and let silence do its necessary work.

“Life is curly. Don’t try to straighten it out.”

Maybe times are tough for you. One conversation at a time brought you to wherever you happen to be. Spend some effort remembering how it happened. You can’t change unless you accept responsibility. Maybe times are great for you. You still got to this point one conversation at a time. Are things great at home and at work? Think about it. Workplace conversations should be just as fierce as home conversations.

“No one, not even the CEO, owns the entire truth, because no one can be in all places at all times.”

Fierce means real. Fierceness is not about barbarity, but about intensity, strength, power and passion. Getting fierce means getting real. Tell the truth and let the truth be told. Every conversation builds up or tears down relationships. Unreal conversations abound and they are costly. Listen to yourself. Do you change the subject, lie, dodge the issue or hide behind vague language? Take a break and make a conscious effort to be straightforward and honest, for example by saying, “What I just said isn’t quite right. Let me see if I can get closer to what I really want to say.”

Face Facts

Stuff happens. Things change. Companies don’t have annual strategic meetings anymore. Now teams get together every quarter and begin by checking what has changed since their last meeting. Big customers go bust. Star employees leave for greener pastures. New technology makes you an anachronism. Competition kicks you out of the ring. Now, determine what the facts are behind the events? You may think you know. But you probably only know your facts. Other people know their facts. Everyone comes at reality from a distinct perspective and sees a distinct set of facts – a different reality.

“The person who can most accurately describe reality without laying blame will emerge the leader.”

Plenty of people hide their reality behind “the corporate nod.” You see this nod in meetings, where instead of saying what they really think and feel, people nod.

To face facts, you need to ask these important questions:

What do I usually talk about with people? Why?
Do I say things I don’t really mean, just to be polite?
What issues do my conversations avoid at work and at home?
What questions would I ask if I had a sure-fire guarantee of honest answers?
What has it cost me at work and in my relationships to ignore pressing issues?

“One of my favorite quotes is from Rumi, a thirteenth-century Sufi poet: ‘Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there’.”

Truth isn’t simple. Most people confuse what they think with what is true. To get at the truth, you need to get everyone’s perspective. This takes time, but not doing it wastes time.

This process, which is called “interrogating reality,” has three steps:

Propose.
Find out if people understand the proposal.
Find out whether they agree with the proposal.

“Even with conversations that begin with a clear focus, it’s easy to get sidetracked into rabbit trails.”

In this discovery process, don’t place blame. Leadership isn’t about blaming. It’s about finding the facts. In terms of conversational technique, don’t say “but,” which implies that someone wins and someone loses. “But” excludes. Say “and” instead; “and” includes.

Practice this: Over the next 24 hours (yes, that includes at home), remind yourself to “describe reality accurately,” don’t place blame and substitute every “but” with “and.”

“You get what you tolerate.”

Look for the ground truth, the facts on the ground as opposed to the official truth. Ground truth isn’t usually written down; it’s unofficial, informal, passed around the office. Identify the ground truth, and compare it to the official truth, in every aspect of your life – work and relationships. What values do you propound and what values are true on the ground?

“I have not yet witnessed a spontaneous recovery from incompetence.”

Try this exercise:

Write your values. Be precise, thoughtful and specific.
Write about times when you have abused those values in the workplace.
Write about times when you have abused those values in relationships.
Write about times when you abused those values in other dimensions of your life.
For each instance where you’ve failed to act with integrity ask what should you do to fix it and what you will do to fix it?

“Our very identities must become fluid.”

Corporations can perform much the same exercise. Crafting a vision statement is a useful exercise, provided it’s a real conversation. Too many vision statements are merely mush. Part of the corporate self-exam is an honest assessment of your employees. You have to know whether your people have the skills, talents and values you need. If you tolerate inferiority, you’ll get inferiority. Also honestly assess yourself, as an employee.

“The issues in my life are rarely about you. They are almost always about me.”

Ask yourself:

Where am I headed? Why?
Who am I taking with me?
What route am I taking?
Am I being all I can be and doing all I can do?
Am I challenged to the limit of my ability?
Is this work valuable and fulfilling?

No Place to Hide

Most conversations are unreal. People don’t say what they know is true; they don’t reveal their true selves. They duck uncomfortable issues. A conversation is no place to hide. A conversation ought to be about and grounded on truth. Otherwise it’s a waste of breath.

“If you or someone else feels that a conversation is needed, it is.”

Live in the present moment. You can’t live anywhere else – but you can let your mind drift so that you don’t live fully here:

Give each and every conversation your full attention.
Look at the person you’re talking to.
Listen when you’re on the phone – don’t check your e-mail during a conversation.
Don’t just say “Great” when somebody asks how it’s going. Engage yourself. Have courage. Have one-on-one conversations.

“There are things our gut knows long before our intellect catches on.”

Remember these “don’ts”:

Don’t do all the talking.
Don’t take charge. Draw the other person out.
Don’t forget to ask about the other person’s feelings.
Don’t be ambiguous or vague.
Don’t miss the appointment unless you die.
Don’t allow anything to interrupt.
Don’t drop conversations because of time. Cover what you can, and schedule a follow-up.
Don’t just take it for granted that you’re getting these conversations right.

“The fundamental outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.”

During the next seven days, exercise being fully there during conversations – one at a time:

Give every conversation your full attention.
See every conversation as “brand-new,” don’t drag any previous conversations into it.
Don’t worry about a certain outcome.

Use a decision tree to categorize decisions and to liberate the people who report to you:

Leaves: Make the decision; no one needs to know about it.
Branches: Make the decision; report at regular intervals.
Trunk: Decide, but report before you act.
Root: Decide only after lots of input from lots of other people.

Do It Now

Never put off a challenge. Do the hard things today. First, define the problem. Once you identify the problem, the solution will come. Don’t be deterred by uncomfortable facts. Don’t be afraid. Face facts squarely. Involve the whole team in this effort.

To start a discussion, carefully think about your opening statement, which should include:

The problem or issue.
A “specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change.”
How you feel about it.
The consequences or implications.
What you can do or will do.
Your wish to change the situation.
An invitation to respond.

Come up with a “fierce conversation” that you need to have. Set yourself a deadline for it. Get ready for the conversation by putting the elements of the opening statement down on paper. Practice saying it. Then go for it.

Don’t Just Trust Your Gut – Obey It

Intuition isn’t guesswork. It’s a way of knowing. Don’t neglect it. Obey your instincts. Don’t force yourself to be logical, factual, objective and data-driven. Listen for the inner voice. Be quiet and listen. Then be patient and listen to others. Don’t present your intuitions, ideas or conclusions as if they were fact. Ask. A conversation that tiptoes around difficult issues is a failure. If you’re confused, good. Trying to clear up your confusion may help others do the same. Remember, there is no such thing as a trivial remark in a fierce conversation. You’re responsible for the impact of what you say, whether it is harmful or helpful.

In your next conversation, pay attention to your thoughts and emotions and share one. It may alter the conversation’s direction. “Be courageous in your conversation today.”

“Digging Deep”

Someone once said, “If you’re drilling for water, it’s better to drill a 100-foot well than 100 one-foot wells.” Fierce conversations need to get down to the main issue, the bedrock, fundamental, underlying reality. These are “mineral rights” conversations. They’re particularly demanding, and particularly necessary but can prevent you from getting lost in a maze of rabbit trails – tangents and distractions that lead away from where you want to be.

To have a productive mineral rights conversation, you should:

Tell people in advance that you want to talk about what they think is most important.
Take their word for it that their issue is important. Don’t tell them it’s not.
Be humble and listen.
Be sensitive to feelings and ask about them.
Avoid the accountability shuffle. That is, don’t pass the buck.

Drilling to bedrock isn’t easy. Mineral rights conversations, like all really fierce conversations, require you to risk facing some unpleasant facts about yourself. But when you have the courage to do so, you get the truth – a very powerful thing to possess.

Conclusion

When you have a fierce conversation, the authentic, powerful version of yourself says the brave things that matter. A lifetime of fierce conversations can lead to better relationships with your colleagues, your loved ones, and yourself.

About the author

Susan Scott is an educator and owner of corporate-training firm that focuses on achieving results through dialogue.

Genres

Communication Skills, Sex, Relationships, Career Success, Business, Nonfiction, Leadership, Self Help, Personal Development, Psychology, Management,

Fierce Conversations Foreword by Ken Blanchard
The Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations
Preface
Introduction: The Idea of Fierce
Principle 1: Master the Courage to Interrogate Reality
Principle 2: Come Out from Behind Yourself into the Conversation and Make It Real
Principle 3: Be Here, Prepared to Be Nowhere Else
Principle 4: Tackle Your Toughest Challenge Today
Principle 5: Obey Your Instincts
Principle 6: Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake
Principle 7: Let Silence Do the Heavy Lifting
Conclusion: Embracing the Principles
Appendix
Index
A User’s Guide

Review

“Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time” by Susan Scott is a transformative book that explores the power of effective communication in both personal and professional settings. This book is not just about having difficult conversations; it’s about making every conversation count and creating meaningful connections.

Susan Scott emphasizes the idea that our success in life and work is directly related to the quality of our conversations. The book is divided into seven key principles, which serve as a guide to help individuals engage in fierce and productive conversations.

Master the Courage to Interrogate Reality: Scott stresses the importance of facing the truth and dealing with reality head-on. She argues that many problems stem from our tendency to avoid difficult topics or sugarcoat our conversations. Instead, we should confront issues honestly to make better decisions and achieve our goals.
Come Out from Behind Yourself into the Conversation: This principle emphasizes the need to be fully present and engaged in conversations. Scott encourages readers to let go of distractions and personal agendas and focus on the other person. By doing so, we can build stronger connections and foster understanding.
Be Here, Prepared to Be Nowhere Else: To have truly productive conversations, Scott advocates being fully present, mentally and emotionally. This involves active listening, empathy, and a commitment to understanding the perspectives and needs of others.
Tackle Your Toughest Challenge Today: In this section, Scott encourages readers to address their most pressing issues promptly. Procrastination and avoidance can lead to larger problems, and by tackling challenges head-on, we can prevent them from becoming insurmountable.
Obey Your Instincts: Trusting your instincts and intuition is crucial in fostering open, honest conversations. Scott discusses the value of listening to your inner voice and acting upon it, as it often points to important issues that need addressing.
Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake: Our conversations have an emotional impact on others, and we must be aware of this “emotional wake” we leave behind. Scott argues that taking responsibility for the emotional consequences of our words and actions is essential for building trust and maintaining strong relationships.
Let Silence Do the Heavy Lifting: Silence can be a powerful tool in a conversation. Scott explains how silence can allow space for reflection and a deeper understanding. It can also prompt the other person to open up and share more.

“Fierce Conversations” is a thought-provoking and practical guide to improving the quality of our conversations and, by extension, our personal and professional relationships. Susan Scott’s insights are backed by real-life examples and practical exercises that help readers implement the principles she presents.

One of the book’s strengths is its emphasis on authenticity and transparency in conversations. It teaches readers to confront their fears and biases and approach discussions with an open mind. This approach is refreshing in a world where many people tend to avoid difficult topics or engage in superficial conversations.

Scott’s writing is clear, engaging, and filled with practical advice. The book provides a roadmap for improving communication skills, fostering trust, and achieving better results in both personal and professional spheres. It is suitable for anyone seeking to enhance their conversational abilities and build more meaningful connections.

In conclusion, “Fierce Conversations” is a highly recommended read for anyone looking to elevate their communication skills and make a positive impact in their personal and professional life. Susan Scott’s insights and principles can be applied by individuals at all levels of leadership and in various aspects of life, making it a valuable resource for personal development and achieving success through better conversations.