Summary: The Five Core Conversations for Couples by David Bulitt and Julie Bulitt

• “The Five Core Conversations for Couples” by David Bulitt and Julie Bulitt is a self-help book that guides couples through essential discussions to strengthen their relationships.
• The book covers five core topics, including money, family planning, intimacy, work-life balance, and spirituality, offering practical exercises and case studies to facilitate productive conversations.
• While it provides a structured framework for improving communication and understanding, couples should adapt the advice to their unique relationship dynamics.

The Five Core Conversations for Couples (2020) – Expert Advice about How to Develop: Effective Communication, a Long-Term Financial Plan, Cooperative Parenting Strategies, Mutually Satisfying Sex, and Work-Life Balance examines the five important topics every couple should talk about. It offers expert guidance on the core facets of a relationship that can help you strengthen yours.

Introduction: Learn the five fundamental topics to build a thriving relationship.

Can you imagine it? You’re 75, sitting on your front porch, holding your partner’s wrinkled hand, and telling them that you’ve made it. The two of you have successfully weathered the storm, and the only thing that can separate you now is death itself.

Isn’t that just a lovely goal to have? But how exactly do you turn that into reality?

Family therapist Julie Bulitt and her husband of 30+ years, divorce lawyer David Bulitt, hold the answer. In this summary, you’ll take a walk through the Bulitts’ five core building blocks of a healthy, long-lasting relationship. These are the deep conversations you’ll want to have with your significant other to work your way towards that old couple goal.

Core #1: Building and maintaining the connection

As soon as Sarah and Ron walked into Julie Bulitt’s office, she quickly noticed the palpable distance between them. Sarah appeared stiff right next to her husband, and Ron purposely sat down on the farthest chair from his wife. You could just see the stress etched all over their faces.

As it turned out, juggling full-time jobs and two kids meant they had no time for each other. In fact, they hadn’t spent quality time alone together for more than a year.

Julie advised them to schedule an activity they could enjoy as a couple, no kids or chores, just the two of them hanging out. It didn’t need to be a daily occurrence, but something they could both look forward to regularly. Sarah and Ron took this advice to heart, and when they returned to Julie’s office several weeks later, they were holding hands.

That’s one of the core pillars of a healthy and successful relationship: connection. You don’t just stop after forging a bond and committing to the relationship. Just like how a home needs tending to stay tidy, a relationship has to be maintained for it to thrive.

Unfortunately, more often than not, couples forget to put in the effort once they’re all settled down. They no longer work on themselves and the relationship. Then, when their disconnect begins damaging the relationship, they ignore it and hide behind the excuse that they’re too busy. They know it’s a problem, but they keep putting it on the back burner. They only start caring once it’s too late to repair the mess.

To avoid falling into that trap, it’s essential to keep in mind that a relationship requires ongoing attention and care. Maintaining a strong connection with your partner is what keeps the relationship alive.

And the best thing about it? It can be done in a variety of ways. There’s not just one way to connect with your partner. You can freely explore what works for you both.

It can be as special as going on weekly dinner dates or as simple as reading the morning news together without distractions. Even supporting your partner’s interests and doing something with your kid can count as connecting, too. It’s also important to talk about what acts of kindness you want your partner to do more, like complimenting you or picking up your dry cleaning.

Maintaining the connection also means learning how to deal with arguments. Remember that arguments lead to disconnect, and that’s the opposite of what you’re aiming for. Whenever you’re mad at your partner, communicate it instead of giving them the silent treatment. Don’t treat them as if they’re a ghost – that will just make things worse.

However, there are situations where it’s best to stay silent. If what you’ll say won’t change anything, it’s best to keep it to yourself. For instance, say you’re on a road trip and warned your partner not to drink too much water. They went ahead and did it anyway, and now they’re begging to stop at the next gas station. You could say, “I told you so,” but what’s the point? It’s not going to make them need to pee any less, so it’s probably best to just say nothing – and avoid any unnecessary drama.

Another thing to keep in mind is to avoid pushing your partner’s buttons. Be mindful of how you criticize and correct them. And most importantly, when the going gets tough, don’t doubt for a second that you and your partner can handle it. If you believe in yourselves, you’ll be able to weather any storm.

Core #2: Money matters

Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can cause some major problems in your relationship if you don’t talk about it.

In fact, David Bulitt names “finances” as one of the four main reasons why his clients come to him. They haven’t been smart about money at all and it’s ruined their marriage beyond repair.

So, to make your relationship last, you need to sit down and have a chat about your finances as early as possible. This is especially important if you and your partner were brought up with different attitudes towards money. Having come from opposing backgrounds, you will likely spend money differently, too, and that can also affect your relationship.

That’s why it’s important to lay down the ground rules straight away. Discuss what you should and shouldn’t spend your money on. Admittedly, this can be challenging to do because there are just some situations where you’re torn between spending or not.

One instance is when your partner buys something for themselves, and then you feel the need to buy something for yourself, too. After all, there should be equality. But this can cause serious strain on your finances when money is tight. Instead of trying to aim for equality, aim for mutual understanding instead. Understand why they needed to buy it – and be accepting of their needs.

Another conflicting situation is when you see others buying stuff you don’t have. Imagine your neighbor just got a fancy new RV, and now you’re thinking, “Hey, I want one of those too!” Sure, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to treat your family to some road trip adventures, but let’s be real – jealousy doesn’t look good on anyone. Plus, your bank account might not be too thrilled with the idea either.

Finance discussions should also include the number of kids you want to have. Kids are expensive, so this should be decided from the get-go. And if you already have kids but regret having more than you wanted, don’t freak out. Just take it one step at a time. First, it’s important to accept those negative feelings. Then, start brainstorming ways to make up for lost time, like saving up for a girls-only trip to Vegas or a brand-new golf bag for your partner.

If you need to cut back on expenses over the course of the relationship, don’t simply cut them without consulting the other first. Remember that anything involving money should be a team decision.

Speaking of team decisions, always keep your partner in the loop on your financial situation. Give them an idea of how much joint savings you have, or how long until you pay off the family car. If it’s your partner who handles the finances, make it a point to ask about these things. It’s even better if you learn how to do your household finances, too. This way, you won’t be left in the dark.

Apart from identifying what to spend and what to cut, you should also talk about your partner’s spending habits that drive you up the wall. Don’t wait until you’re in a divorce lawyer’s office before you speak up – tackle them head-on. You might just find a compromise. Keep in mind that financial harmony goes a long way in keeping your relationship at peace.

Core #3: Parenting strategies

It’s often said that there’s no greater joy than becoming a parent. That may be true, but there are a whole lot of struggles that go along with it, too. That’s why to successfully navigate the ups and downs of raising kids, it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about parenting strategies.

One of the ways to keep your relationship in harmony while raising kids is to share responsibilities. When one of you is already frazzled by caretaking, tag in the other partner to take over. You can’t give your kids your best if you’re already running on empty. So secure some ‘me’ time to recharge – and pass the baton to your partner.

On the topic of responsibility, don’t be that parent who creates a disaster zone and then leaves. Say you didn’t pack your kid’s toys before going on a trip, and now they’re in a crying fit. You made the mess, so own that responsibility and clean it up.

But, easily one of the most essential parenting strategies is to always establish a united front. Discuss important rules, such as screen time limits or disciplinary actions. You should see eye to eye on things right from the get-go.

This helps you avoid situations where your kid says something like, “Mom agreed to let me have a sleepover,” or, “Dad said I could have two chocolates.” Without agreeing on these rules first, you and your partner will likely contradict each other.

Having a united front will also help you deal with all the crazy stuff that comes with parenting. Let’s face it, kids can be unpredictable. From dealing with addiction to navigating religious changes to managing mental health issues, you’ve got to have each other’s backs. At the end of the day, it’s all about teamwork.

Core #4: Intimacy and physical affection

If there’s anything hotter than good sex, it’s good communication about sex.

Almost all couples agree on how important intimacy is in a relationship. It’s what keeps the fire burning between two people in love. Sure, it may not be the only thing that holds a couple together, but it plays a massive part.

However, sex isn’t as simple as hopping into bed with your partner. There are things you need to talk about first. For one, each other’s sex drive. When one of you is ready to rock and roll while the other is ready to roll over and sleep, it can cause some serious drama.

That’s where compromise comes in – find a happy common ground where both of you can get your needs met. And if you have to turn down your partner’s advances, try sprinkling in some sweet words instead of just slapping down a hard “no.” That’ll be easier to accept.

Aside from sex drive, there’s also the challenge of keeping things exciting. If your routine starts to become dull, it may be time to mix it up. Watch a sexy movie, read steamy books, or use toys. Think of creative ways to get you and your partner in a good mood because sex isn’t just about what feels good physically but also emotionally. Just be sure that whatever gimmick you want to try, consider your partner’s concerns and feelings. Avoid engaging in things they’re not comfortable with.

Above all, don’t use sex as a weapon to punish your partner. If you’re angry or upset with your partner, don’t even think about holding out on them in the bedroom. It’s a surefire way to make things worse, not better. Talk it out. There’s nothing more effective than communicating your feelings.

Intimacy can also mean other things apart from sex. You can cuddle, give them a good morning kiss, or even just hug them before they go to sleep. The important thing is to show your partner some affection and show it frequently.

Core #5: Keeping the balance in the relationship

A seesaw’s no fun when you’re always on the ground. The same goes for your love life. If you want that relationship to go the distance, you have to find that perfect balance. It’s all about finding that sweet spot where both you and your partner feel like you’re on the same page.

That can look different in every relationship, though. Some relationships thrive on a balance of extreme emotions – they’re yelling at each other one moment and the next they’re clinging to each other like koalas to a tree. Others find more success in a more stable and steady approach, where emotions don’t run too high or low.

Balance in a relationship can also mean having more instead of less. While that sounds ironic, it’s actually healthy to have more of certain things. For instance, you should aim for more information – and less guessing. You should know the ins and outs of your partner’s life, from their work to their gym schedule. After all, trust is built on knowledge.

You might also need to give more attention to your partner. Whenever they talk about something, be present, and engage in the conversation. The topic may not be your cup of tea, but seeming interested in it will make your partner feel valued and heard. Sometimes, a listening ear is all they need to solve their problems, too.

Probably the most important “more” to have in your relationship is talking more about your feelings. You’re already aware of how crucial communication is, so practice being an open book to your partner.

Another way to keep the balance in your and your partner’s lives is to give each other some breathing room every now and then. While you might want to spend every waking moment with them, it’s important to maintain other social connections. It helps you stay grounded and brings fresh insights into your relationship. So, whether you want to plan a day at the spa with your friends or hang out with your buddies over some beers, go for it! And if you’re feeling extra adventurous, you can always go solo, too. Carving out some “me” time is never a bad idea – it’ll keep you feeling young and free.

Summary

There is no single secret formula to building a successful relationship. It’s composed of multiple important building blocks: connection, finances, parenting, intimacy, and balance. Mastering these core building blocks involves laying them out in the open and having conversations about them. You can never go wrong when it comes to honest communication.

About the author

David and Julie Bulitt have been married for 34 years. David is one of the premier DC Metro family law attorneys, having settled and litigated complex, high profile divorce and custody cases since 1986. Julie is a licensed clinical social worker with more than twenty years of experience working with children, teens, and families. Together they have four daughters, three grandchildren, and two dogs. They divide their time between suburban Washington, DC, and Bethany Beach, Delaware.

Genres

Communication Skills, Sex, Relationships, Marriage, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Conflict Management, Family Conflict Resolution, Love and Romance

Table of Contents

Introduction: Who Are We? Why Are We Here? vii
The First Core: Building and Filling 1
1 Connection is Your Lubrication 5
2 The Garage Will Get Dirty 8
3 Fix the Roof 11
4 Use Your Oxygen Mask 14
5 The RV 17
6 I Don’t Give a Shit about the Dry Cleaning 20
7 Silence Is Not Golden 24
8 It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It 27
9 If It Won’t Matter, Don’t Say It 31
10 I Think I Can, I Know We Can 35
Couple’s Kickstarters 38
The Second Core: Money, Money, Money 41
1 Fun, Fun, Fun till Reality Takes Your T-Bird Away 43
2 You Canceled My Newspaper? 46
3 Learn to Drive before You’re Sixty-Five 50
4 A Balance of Power 53
5 Don’t Wait for the Repo Man 56
6 Don’t Bank the Bitching 60
7 Harvard 63
8 Cash and Kids 66
9 The Swimming Pool 69
Couple’s Kickstarters 72
The Third Core: Parents and Partners 75
1 The Adoption Option 78
2 Pass the Trash 82
3 Voted off the Island 85
4 Make It, Take It 88
5 Jesus joins the Family 91
6 No One Sends You Dinner When Your Kid Is in the Psych Ward 95
7 Sticks and Stones 98
8 Addiction Finds Us 101
9 Ride in the Same Ambulance 104
10 Letters to Our Daughter 109
11 To Our Other Three 114
Couple’s Kickstarters 116
The Fourth Core: Bumping and Grinding 119
1 It’s Not a Budget Item 122
2 Tussies 125
3 That’s Not My Finger 128
4 Is That All There Is? 131
5 A Hitch in Your Giddyup 134
6 To Porn or Not to Porn 138
7 Is There Even Such a Thing? 142
8 I Don’t Need Another job 145
9 Two Minutes and a Tissue 148
Couple’s Kickstarters 151
The Fifth Core: It’s a Balancing Act 155
1 Costco 158
2 Cussing to Kissing 161
3 Assbook 164
4 More or Less 167
5 The Minivan 171
6 Bumper Cars 174
7 Stay out of My Tub 177
8 You’ve Got to Have Friends 180
9 Weekends Away 183
10 Ruby Slippers 186
11 The Best Chicken in the Pot I Ever Ate 189
Couple’s Kickstarters 192
The Takeaway: On and On 197
About the Authors 199
Acknowledgments 201
Index 202

Review

“The Five Core Conversations for Couples” is a self-help book that aims to guide couples in strengthening their relationships by addressing fundamental topics and fostering open and honest communication. The authors, David Bulitt and Julie Bulitt, draw on their experience as a husband-and-wife attorney team to offer insights and strategies for couples to navigate essential discussions effectively.

The book is organized into five core conversations, each addressing a critical aspect of a healthy relationship:

1. Money Matters: This conversation focuses on financial issues, budgeting, and long-term financial planning. It aims to help couples align their financial goals and develop a shared understanding of money management.
2. Family Planning: The authors delve into discussions about family, children, and the decision-making process regarding issues such as parenting, fertility, and adoption.
3. Sex and Intimacy: This section explores the complex topic of sex and intimacy within a relationship. It offers guidance on maintaining a healthy and satisfying sexual connection.
4. Work-Life Balance: The book addresses the challenges of balancing career and personal life. It provides strategies for achieving equilibrium and minimizing conflicts related to work and family commitments.
5. Spirituality and Values: The final core conversation explores spirituality, beliefs, and values. It encourages couples to understand and respect each other’s belief systems and moral values.

Throughout the book, the authors provide case studies, practical exercises, and conversation starters to help couples engage in productive discussions and strengthen their bond.

“The Five Core Conversations for Couples” offers a structured and thoughtful approach to improving communication and understanding between partners. The authors’ professional backgrounds as attorneys lend credibility to their advice, as they have experience in facilitating conversations and resolving conflicts.

What makes this book particularly valuable is its emphasis on addressing fundamental topics that are often sources of tension in relationships. The structured approach, complete with practical exercises and case studies, provides a clear roadmap for couples to engage in meaningful dialogues.

While the book is well-structured and practical, it may not be for everyone. Some couples may find the prescribed conversations too formal, as every relationship is unique, and not all topics may apply equally. It’s important for couples to adapt the advice in the book to suit their specific needs.

In summary, “The Five Core Conversations for Couples” is a valuable resource for couples looking to strengthen their relationship through meaningful conversations. It provides a structured framework for addressing key areas of concern, offering insights and strategies to foster better communication and understanding in the pursuit of a healthier, happier partnership. However, it’s essential for couples to use the book as a tool and tailor it to their unique relationship dynamics.