- Do you consider yourself a perfectionist? Do you often feel stressed, overwhelmed, or dissatisfied with your performance? Do you wish you could be more relaxed, confident, and happy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this book is for you.
- In this book review, I will give you an overview of what this book is about, what you can learn from it, and why you should read it. If you are curious about how to transform your perfectionism from a burden into a blessing, then keep reading.
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control is about understanding your perfectionist traits and making them work for you, not against you. It details different types of perfectionists and explains how all of them can adapt to their perfectionism.
Table of Contents
Introduction: Harnessing the power of your perfectionism.
Some books will advise you to murder your perfectionism. You will be told it’s an illness that needs to be cured. You will be advised to purposely miss deadlines, run late, and color outside the lines.
This summary will do none of those things.
Instead, you will be told perfectionism is power. You will learn about the different shapes that power takes, and how to harness it. You will be advised to adapt to your perfectionism so it doesn’t mutate into a monster. You will exchange seeking the superficial control that comes with misunderstood and mistreated perfectionism for the life-changing force that is adaptive perfectionism.
Author Katherine Morgan Schafler is a self-described perfectionist who specializes in working with perfectionists as a New York City psychotherapist. In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Schafler delves into layers of mental health issues that help support her theories on perfectionism. This summary won’t go that deep. It will focus on Schafler’s five types of perfectionists, the number-one problem for all perfectionists, and how to adapt to your perfectionism successfully.
Perfectionism is Power, not a Problem
Picture the typical perfectionist. Most see someone who needs everything to be perfect all the time, and who gets upset when it isn’t. Most see perfectionism as a problem.
But this perspective is too narrow, and the judgment is flat-out wrong. There are many shades of perfectionism, and none of them is a problem to be solved. They are all gifts.
Society has long treated perfectionism as a negative trait, especially when it comes to women. It’s viewed as something to be cured or eradicated. Treated that way, or ignored altogether, perfectionism can manifest in negative ways – obsessive worrying, indecision, anger, lack of commitment – the list goes on. But if you can channel your perfectionism, if you can adapt to its demands and drives, it will change from a destructive force to a constructive superpower.
The mental health field doesn’t have a comprehensive definition for perfectionism. It is, however, accepted that perfectionists constantly notice the gap between reality and some ideal, and they constantly want to take responsibility for bridging that gap. Many, although not all, mental health professionals also accept that perfectionism can be broken down into two categories – adaptive and maladaptive.
Adaptives mobilize their perfectionism to work for them. They understand ideal visions are supposed to inspire, not be brought to life down to the last detail. They enjoy the process instead of obsessing over the outcome. They can handle failure because they learn from mistakes. They tend to have high self-esteem, solid relationships, and an overall sense of fulfillment.
Maladaptives are punished by their perfectionism. They are afraid to fail and driven to avoid shame. They feel stuck. When they do achieve a goal, it’s often anticlimactic because they didn’t embrace the process. They can be anxious, depressed, and withdrawn, and they tend to have problems in their personal relationships. They are usually trying to recover from their perfectionism.
The obvious question is, how do you adapt to perfectionism? We’ll get to that answer– but first, let’s meet the 5 Types of Perfectionists – classic, Parisian, procrastinator, messy, and intense.
The Five Types
Abigail (don’t call her Abby) is right on time for her Tuesday appointment, as usual. She’s waiting on the left corner of the couch, where she always waits. When the office door opens, she carefully picks up her phone and places it in the designated phone pocket inside her bag. She smooths her precisely ironed pants as she stands up, smiles and saunters into the office.
Abigail looks put together in every which way, but her personal life is a mess because she hasn’t adapted to her perfectionism. That’s what she works on during her Tuesday therapy sessions.
Abigail is an example of a classic perfectionist. She’s organized, reliable, and efficient. The adaptive classic can tackle enormous projects and organize them with ease. Their cars and homes are spotless and running smoothly. Maladaptive classics leave no room for creativity and play, even in places where it’s needed, like personal relationships. They can feel misunderstood and left with only superficial connections to others.
The Parisian perfectionist doesn’t care about structure and order like the classic. The Parisian longs for ideal relationships with everyone around them. While classics proudly display their perfectionism, Parisians hide theirs. They work hard to cultivate connection, but they want it to appear effortless. This is like French women who appear effortlessly beautiful but fuss over their appearance when no one is watching. The adaptive Parisian focuses only on reciprocal relationships and creates fruitful networks of friends and support. Maladaptive Parisians feel like they constantly need to earn everyone’s approval, and they will neglect their own needs until they get it.
The procrastinator perfectionist has a million plans, but can’t pull the trigger on any of them. They fear starting projects and bringing them into the real world will make them lose the luster of perfection they held in the procrastinators’ minds. They avoid that potential pain by not starting anything, ever. The adaptive procrastinator has accepted that change is natural, including the change an ideal vision will take once it enters reality. They are open-minded, can see multiple options in every scenario, and are excellent planners. The maladaptive procrastinator is stuck in a place of indecision and self-loathing.
The messy perfectionist loves the thrill of starting, but is bored by the grind it takes to finish, and can wind up surrounded by messy piles of discarded projects, careers, and relationships. The adaptive messy is a champion brainstormer who can turn dreams into reality with enthusiasm and optimism. The maladaptive Messy is scattered and doesn’t follow through on any tasks or promises.
Intense perfectionists crave the ideal outcome. They ignore the process and fixate on the goal more than other types of perfectionists. The adaptive intense perfectionist is an inspirational leader with a relentless drive to succeed, but also appreciates the journey and understands that mistakes happen. Maladaptive intense perfectionists have impossible standards and drive people away with their demands and critiques.
From Self-punishment to Self-compassion
Keep in mind the five types are only archetypes. You may identify with one or several of them. Or maybe you resemble one type at work and another type at home. All of these labels and definitions are open to your interpretation. The key is adapting by connecting to your perfectionism’s strength, not its weakness.
So how do you adapt to perfectionism? To start, you must replace self-punishment with self-compassion.
The mental health field may be lacking when it comes to perfectionism, but all experts seem to agree that perfectionists are masters at punishing themselves. This self-punishment is the truly dangerous part of perfectionism – not the endless striving.
Some perfectionists mistake their self-punishment for personal accountability. The difference is punishment is focused solely on blame, while personal accountability shifts the focus from blame to taking responsibility for the solution.
There are many forms of self-punishment, like denying yourself simple pleasures, self-sabotage, and ruminating on past problems. But the most common form for perfectionists is negative self-talk – beating yourself up for each and every mistake you make, no matter how innocent or understandable.
Negative self-talk leaves you feeling down and bad about yourself. In this state, you don’t have the energy to unpack your issues or do anything to improve your situation. Instead, you avoid the pain by numbing yourself with drinking, drugs, overeating, or watching too much TV – or you get rid of the pain by blaming others.
To escape this negative mindset, perfectionists have to practice self-compassion. They have to remember that everyone makes mistakes and nothing is flawless. They have to shift their focus from what’s wrong to everything that’s right, and all the future possibilities that will make things feel even more right.
Self-compassion is not easy for perfectionists because they have such a low tolerance for anything they view as a mistake or less than ideal. It’s also difficult for them because self-compassion can be a slow and non-linear process, and perfectionists tend to prefer full speed ahead. But there are some guidelines to help perfectionists find compassion for themselves.
First, you have to focus on the process, not the goal. You need to stop thinking, “I’ll be happy when I finally get this.” Again, this isn’t easy for perfectionists, but when you focus on the process you can celebrate the little victories along the way. This will help create the positivity, energy, and confidence you need to examine your issues honestly and actually do something about them.
Learning from your failures, as opposed to beating yourself up for them, will also foster self-compassion. Adaptive perfectionists “fail forward.” They see the lessons in their mistakes. They understand they can grow from these experiences and that growth will, eventually, help them achieve their perfectionist goals.
Remembering that everyone suffers can help perfectionists be compassionate with their own pain. Remembering that our feelings – no matter how strongly we feel them – are not facts can also help perfectionists shift their self-punishment to self-compassion.
Connection and Restoration
There may be days when self-compassion isn’t happening. You just can’t do it. That’s okay. When those days arrive, you can connect with other people as a substitute.
Connecting with others doesn’t always bring immediate relief to anxiety, depression, or shame. Sometimes the impact is felt in the future, but it is always felt. And connecting doesn’t just mean talking and processing your feelings. It can be that – but support comes in many shapes and sizes.
There are times when tangible support should be the first priority, like when someone needs housing, food, or sleep. This kind of practical help is also valuable in a non-crisis situation. If someone asks, “What can I do for you?” give them something to do, even if asking for help isn’t easy. Maybe they can bring dinner, or babysit, or walk the dog. Paying for tangible support, like finally hiring the plumber to fix the leaky sink or paying neighborhood kids to rake the leaves, is also a positive form of connection.
You can find physical support by connecting with yourself and others through movement and exercise. Biking, Tai Chi, taking a walk with friends, or joining a sports league are all great options.
Going to a regular yoga class can produce two kinds of support – physical and community. Not only do the movement and stretching help your physical well-being and lead to positive emotions, but being part of a group on a regular basis also creates a sense of belonging that is critical for mental well-being. Traditional communities like a church, parents’ group, or recovery meeting will all foster that sense of belonging, but even a group chat, a newsletter, or an active and inclusive Facebook page can work as community support.
Replacing the terms “better or worse” with “different” is another way you can adapt to your perfectionism. Instead of judging yourself and your achievements against others, just remind yourself they’re different. Remember, we’re all unique individuals – so you’ll never replicate that other person’s life or career that you view as “perfect.”
It’s also important to remember that even small amounts of self-compassion and subtle shifts in your mindset can make a big difference. Sometimes you only have to stop berating yourself for a moment and give yourself a few minutes of forgiveness to clear away doubt and depression. It’s like turning on a small light in a dark room.
Finally, perfectionists need relaxation and restoration (just like everyone else) in order to have enough energy to harness their perfectionism. This is difficult for perfectionists because relaxation can feel like doing nothing, and that feels horrible to a perfectionist. If that’s the case with you, engage in active relaxation like cooking, writing, dancing, or diving into the favorite part of your job.
To restore yourself fully you will eventually need some passive relaxation, too – but that doesn’t have to be sunbathing with your eyes closed or taking a nap. Reading something simple, watching light movies, or taking your time eating a meal can all work as passive relaxation for the perfectionist.
Conclusion
Perfectionism isn’t a problem to be fixed. It’s a power to be harnessed and used.
Getting out of the cycle of self-punishment and shame can be difficult for perfectionists. The path is winding, and there will be missteps, which are not forgiven easily by perfectionists. However, by showing yourself compassion and connecting with others, the cycle can be broken. You can make peace with your perfectionism and make it work for you.
But it’s important to remember this is an ongoing process. You must keep adapting to your perfectionism or else it will turn on you. It’s like eating – you can’t eat once a week and expect to stay full. You have to keep at it.
Katherine Morgan Schafler is a psychotherapist, writer and speaker, and former on-site therapist at Google. She earned degrees and trained at UC Berkeley and Columbia University, with post-graduate certification from the Association for Spirituality and Psychotherapy in NYC.
Genres
Psychology, Personal Development, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Adult, Counselling, Education, Womens
Table of Contents
Introduction: Perfectionism Is a Power xiii
Quiz: Which Type of Perfectionist Are You? xxi
1 Expect to Be Graded on This 1
The Five Types of Perfectionists
2 Celebrating Your Perfectionism 25
Reclaiming the Gifts and Advantages Behind Your Insatiable Desire to Excel
3 Perfectionism as Disease, Balance as Cure, Women as Patients 46
A Model for Pathologizing Women’s Expressions of Power and Ambition
4 Perfectionism Up Close 66
A Deeper Understanding of Perfectionism and the Fluidity of Mental Health
5 You’ve Been Solving for the Wrong Problem 119
It’s Not that You Approach Your Life with Perfectionism; It’s that You Respond to Missteps with Self-Punishment
6 You’ll Enjoy the Solution about as Much as You Enjoy Getting an A- 147
Let Go. Fail Forward. and be Compassionate with Yourself No Matter What
7 New Thoughts to Think to Help You Stop Overthinking It 179
Ten Key Perspective Shifts to Help You Find the Success You’re Looking for in Everyday Life
8 New Things to Do to Help You Stop Overdoing It 223
Eight Behavioral Strategies to Help Each Type of Perfectionist Build Restoration Habits that Enable Long-Term Growth
9 Now That You’re Free 257
Giving Yourself Permission to Enjoy Your Life Today
Afterword 295
Author’s Note 296
Acknowledgments 299
Notes 304
Index 315
Review
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler is a book that challenges the conventional wisdom that perfectionism is a flaw that needs to be fixed. Instead, the author argues that perfectionism is a strength that can be harnessed and enjoyed, if one learns how to identify and manage their unique perfectionist profile.
The book is divided into three parts. The first part explores the origins and benefits of perfectionism, as well as the common myths and misconceptions that surround it. The author shares her own personal and professional experiences as a psychotherapist and a former on-site therapist at Google, as well as stories from her clients who are high-achieving women from various fields and backgrounds. She also introduces the five types of perfectionist: classic, intense, Parisian, messy, and procrastinator. Each type has its own characteristics, strengths, challenges, and coping strategies.
The second part of the book focuses on how to manage each type of perfectionism in different aspects of life, such as work, relationships, health, and happiness. The author provides practical tips and exercises to help readers overcome their perfectionist pitfalls and leverage their perfectionist power. She also addresses some of the common issues that perfectionists face, such as impostor syndrome, burnout, anxiety, depression, and self-criticism.
The third part of the book offers a new perspective on how to embrace and enjoy perfectionism, rather than trying to get rid of it or hide it. The author encourages readers to make the single greatest trade they will ever make in their life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power. She explains how to cultivate a growth mindset, a sense of purpose, a gratitude attitude, and a playful spirit. She also invites readers to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful, and to celebrate their achievements without feeling guilty or arrogant.
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler is a refreshing and empowering book that offers a new way of looking at perfectionism. It is full of stories and brimming with humor, empathy, and depth. It is a love letter to the ambitious, high achieving, full-of-life women who want to live up to their potential without compromising their well-being.