Unlock the Secrets of Lasting Friendships with Platonic by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

In her groundbreaking book, “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends,” renowned psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco unveils the powerful secrets to forging unbreakable friendships. Prepare to embark on a transformative journey that will revolutionize your social life and help you cultivate the meaningful connections you’ve always longed for.

Dive into the pages of Platonic and discover the life-changing strategies that will elevate your friendships to new heights. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to unlock the full potential of your social connections!

Genres

Psychology, Mindfulness, Happiness, Relationships, Self Help, Personal Development, Science, Sociology, Adult, Mental Health, Social skills, Communication, Emotional intelligence, Interpersonal relationships, Friendship, Nonfiction

In Platonic, Dr. Marisa G. Franco presents a groundbreaking approach to friendship, drawing upon the latest scientific research on attachment theory. She argues that by understanding and applying the principles of attachment, individuals can cultivate deeper, more fulfilling friendships.

The book explores the various attachment styles and how they influence our social interactions, offering practical strategies for overcoming challenges and building stronger connections. Dr. Franco emphasizes the importance of vulnerability, empathy, and effective communication in nurturing healthy friendships.

She also addresses common obstacles, such as fear of rejection and social anxiety, providing tools to overcome these barriers. Throughout the book, readers are guided through a series of exercises and reflections designed to enhance their social skills and foster more meaningful relationships.

Review

Platonic is a transformative book that offers a fresh perspective on the science of friendship. Dr. Marisa G. Franco’s expertise in attachment theory shines through as she presents a compelling case for the power of understanding and applying these principles to our social lives.

The book is well-structured, with each chapter building upon the previous one, creating a comprehensive guide to cultivating deep and lasting friendships. Franco’s writing style is engaging and accessible, making complex psychological concepts easy to grasp.

The practical exercises and real-life examples scattered throughout the book enhance its usefulness, providing readers with concrete tools to implement in their own lives. One of the strengths of Platonic is its emphasis on the importance of vulnerability and emotional intelligence in building authentic connections.

Franco challenges readers to step out of their comfort zones and embrace the discomfort that comes with opening up to others. While the book’s insights are valuable, some readers may find certain sections repetitive or overly simplistic.

However, these minor drawbacks do not detract from the overall impact of the book. Platonic is a must-read for anyone seeking to improve their social life and create more meaningful friendships. It offers a roadmap to building the kind of connections that enrich our lives and provide a sense of belonging.

With its blend of scientific research and practical wisdom, Platonic has the power to transform the way we approach and nurture our friendships.

Introduction: Improve your ability to make (and keep) friends.

Platonic (2022) is an actionable guide to making and keeping friends as an adult. It combines true stories of friendship with psychological research to give you clear, actionable, and practical advice on building better friendships.

Why do you want to have friends? For the company? For the shared experiences? For stress relief?

The answer’s actually pretty simple. It’s because you, just like any other human on the planet, are a social creature.

You’ve probably heard that more times than you can count, but we can’t discredit how true it is. We thrive off of relationships so much that psychologists deem them as necessary to survival as oxygen, food, and water.

But while we’re hardwired to connect with others, it doesn’t mean making and keeping friends comes naturally to every one of us. That’s where this summary to Platonic, by Dr. Marisa G. Franco, comes in.

Outlining research-based techniques on how to improve your ability to build and sustain friendships, it aims to teach you how to become a better friend – and, ultimately, a better human in the process.

Friendships shape who we are.

Harriet had searched for a spouse her whole life. She envied her coworker Denise for having a loving husband and gorgeous twins – and wished she could have the same, too.

Thankfully, after decades of searching, Harriet met and married Frederico. She thought her life was finally complete. But then, Frederico sadly passed away. In that moment, Harriet made an intriguing realization: friends are more valuable than a husband. She found solace in them when she mourned. And after she healed from losing Frederico, she had friends to fill her time and make her life more meaningful than ever.

Westerners would probably frown at Harriet’s claim that friendship is more important than romantic relationships. This comes as no surprise, given how Western culture significantly undervalues platonic ties.

However, friendship, as it turns out, has a much greater effect on our lives than we often give it credit for. According to meta-analyses, exercise reduces mortality by 23–30 percent. But having a big social network reduces it by 45 percent! Another study reports that socializing with friends increases happiness levels more than time spent with spouses or children.

Apart from improving our well-being on the physiological and psychological side of things, friendship also molds us as individuals. For one, having friends teaches us to be more empathetic – not only to our peers but to people in general. This is because friendships provide opportunities to practice and cultivate empathy.

Having quality connections also boosts our appeal as potential friends. Research reveals that the better friends we have, the more moral, attentive, and, again, empathetic we ourselves become.

Simply put, friendship serves as a portal to our most authentic, generous, and rich selves. By shaping us into more well-rounded individuals, our friendships equip us to build relationships that last.

But how exactly do we make and keep friends in the first place?

Making friends takes initiative.

Let’s say you relocated to a new city to take that once-in-a-lifetime job offer. You moved away from everyone you knew, and now you’re completely alone. As a social being, you’d naturally want to seek out new pals.

But how can you do that when all you do is sit quietly at your desk and then head straight home after clocking out? Hate to break it to you, but people won’t just magically appear in your living room offering you friendship. It’s up to you to take the lead and put yourself out there.

The first step in doing so is to join a group with regular get-togethers. This could be anything from a book club to an improv class. This is where the power of propinquity, or physical proximity, kicks in. The more time you spend with people, the more likely it is that you’ll make connections with them.

However, attendance is just half of the solution. It’s equally important to talk to the group, too. Yes, that’s always easier said than done. After all, if you’re like most people, you’re probably wary of approaching someone you see as a potential friend – you think they might not feel the same way about you.

But that’s where you’re wrong. A 2018 study by Dr. Erica J. Boothby found that people underestimate just how much others like them. They often think that a new acquaintance doesn’t have a positive view of them; in reality, the opposite is true.

So if you need a confidence boost before approaching someone in the group, tell yourself that they already like you and won’t shoot you down. Then, participate in ongoing get-togethers for a minimum of three months. This will increase your exposure to the group. And the more exposure you get, the more your peers will grow to like you.

The last step is to invite your favorite person from the group to hang out one-on-one. This will help you get to know them better and build a deeper connection. Not so bad, right?

Being vulnerable will help you connect better with friends.

Say you’ve made a new friend by taking initiative. The challenge now is figuring out how to maintain and strengthen that relationship. This is where vulnerability comes into play. Being vulnerable means sharing the most fragile and humiliating pieces of yourself with others.

Admittedly, this isn’t an easy thing to do – you don’t want others to perceive you as weak. But contrary to popular belief, people feel closer to those who are vulnerable. As Dr. Anna Bruk’s research suggests, others don’t actually pass negative judgment as much as we think. In fact, when we’re vulnerable, they’re more likely to think we’re authentic and honest – and connect more deeply as a result.

To introduce vulnerability into your relationships, you need to be the first one to show it. Don’t sit around and hope that someone else will make the first move – because you’ll be waiting in vain. This is particularly true in male friendships, considering how the Western ideal of masculinity discourages men from expressing what’s perceived as “weakness.” If you’re in this kind of setting and unsure of your friends’ reaction to your vulnerability, you can always start small. Share something a little more personal than you normally would, and see where it leads.

However, it’s also important to remember that you shouldn’t be vulnerable with just anybody. You need to be skilled at picking and choosing who you’ll share that side of yourself with. If a friend has dismissed you in times of need in the past, they shouldn’t be relied on now. Get some real comfort and support from people who will genuinely accept your vulnerabilities wholeheartedly.

Make friendships deeper by being authentic.

Aside from revealing your weak side, another surefire way to cement the friendship is by being your true self. But what does being authentic even mean? Does it mean admitting to your friend that you actually dislike their partner? Or telling them that they’re having a bad hair day? Or giving them unsolicited feedback?

Well, no. These actions are all about rawness. Authenticity, on the other hand, goes beyond just expressing what you want, think, or feel.

The ancient Greeks and today’s social scientists define authenticity as behaving in harmony with your inner thoughts and emotions. Dr. Marisa G. Franco describes it as a “state of internal honesty.”

Sometimes, we become inauthentic and hide our true feelings to protect the relationship – or ourselves. For instance, if you’ve drifted apart from a friend, you might convince yourself that the relationship never meant anything. In reality, though, you feel rejected by that friend. To become authentic is to shed this kind of defense and show your innermost thoughts.

When you do this, you can tap into your highest self – a self that is empathetic and considerate at the core. As a result, you’ll be more likely to make and deepen friendships.

Researchers discovered this to be the case after asking people with social anxiety to forgo common defense mechanisms like keeping quiet when interacting with people. Afterward, the participants expressed an interest in hanging out with the researchers and becoming their friends. The reason for this was the increased presence, interest, and attention the socially anxious people showed when they dropped their safety behaviors.

That’s exactly what being authentic does to us. It helps us develop friendships in a more fulfilling way.

Opening up about conflict will strengthen your friendships.

Are you at odds with your significant other? Simply turn to friends and family, or read blogs and books, and you can get your hands on a lot of advice to help you work things out. But what if a conflict arises between you and your friends? Where do you turn to then?

Unfortunately, there are a lot fewer tips on resolving conflict between friends. That’s because, as studies report, we tend to avoid disagreements with friends more than with romantic partners. It’s difficult to open up about things that upset us because we often convince ourselves that we have no right to feel the way we do. So instead of expressing our frustration, we stuff it down and hope the problem goes away.

But by not talking about conflict, we set our friendship up for failure. Anger fosters feelings of resentment, which in turn fuels hostility, depression, and anxiety. All these things ultimately make us bad friends.

You need to communicate your anger if you want to save and deepen your friendships. To do this effectively, you need to follow seven steps:

First, calm your emotions. Never approach conflict while you’re still feeling furious.

Next, let your friend know ahead of time that you want to talk, so they can get themselves emotionally ready.

Third, when you do talk, don’t come from a place of blame. Instead, explain how your friend’s behavior upset you. Say, “I was hurt when you missed my son’s birthday” instead of, “You’re horrible for missing my son’s birthday.”

Fourth, ask to hear your friend’s side so that you can better understand why they acted the way they did.

Then soothe your triggers. It’s natural for you to get triggered as you talk about the conflict – but don’t let it control you.

The sixth step is to de-escalate when your friend becomes defensive. Reassure them that you’re not the enemy and that you’re fighting the conflict together. Agree with their valid points, and offer clarifying questions to ensure you fully grasp their perspective.

Finally, if the conflict is about a recurring issue, politely express what kind of change you expect from your friend moving forward.

Be generous – but know your limits.

You probably have that one friend who goes above and beyond, whether it’s by sending cookies they baked themselves or by bringing back souvenirs from their trips. You adore them not because you like getting gifts, but because they make you feel valued. That’s the effect generosity has on friendships. It’s like a magnet that draws people together, and it helps make existing relationships even closer.

This is exemplified in the results of a poll conducted by the investing advice firm Motley Fool. The company surveyed more than a thousand Americans – and found that generous people tend to have deeper connections, a wider circle of friends, and more social support in times of need.

So if you’re looking to gain new friends or nurture existing ones, be more generous. Offer coworkers a ride home. Help your friend move. Venmo them money for a fancy dinner. Generosity can take many forms, and it doesn’t always have to involve spending money.

Being generous is key to making and keeping friends, but it’s important to recognize your limits. First and foremost, be selective about the people you give to, so you don’t lose yourself in the process. Only be generous to people who genuinely care for you. If you’re not sure who they are, ask yourself whether you’re being generous because you love them – or because you want them to love you back. If it’s the latter, then you’re being generous to the wrong people. Stop and walk away.

Generosity should also be mutual. In other words, it’s OK to ask your friends for things, too. This isn’t a sign of selfishness or imposing on others. Instead, it demonstrates equilibrium. When you ask for things in return, you’re less likely to get burned out from giving – which, ironically, will make you even more willing to give.

Affection creates new friendships and deepens existing ones.

When was the last time you told a friend how much they mean to you? How much you enjoy having them in your life? How much you appreciate them supporting you through your problems?

If you’re like most people, you probably don’t tell your friends stuff like this very often – you’re not used to showing affection in friendships. Again, this mainly comes down to doubt. We don’t want to come off as weird, and we certainly don’t want them to think we have romantic feelings for them.

However, these same reasons work against us when it comes to creating deep friendships with others. Affection actually benefits relationships between friends in numerous ways.

For budding friendships, affection is the fuel that keeps a prospective friend’s interest in you burning bright. Robert Hays, a professor at the University of Utah, conducted a study demonstrating this. Over the course of twelve weeks, he observed pairs of people and discovered that those who went on to become friends showed a lot of affection toward each other.

Expressing affection to newfound friends also makes them more willing to invest in a relationship with you. The more affectionate you are, the safer they feel with you – and the more they want to become your friend.

Affection proves to be a primary ingredient in strengthening existing friendships, too. Posting on your friends’ social media pages, being there for them after bad news, and congratulating them online all contribute to a more fulfilling and tighter friendship. Affection also comes in handy when there’s a conflict. If you’re affectionate during difficult conversations, your friend feels more loved and empowered – which makes disputes easier to resolve.

Showing affection doesn’t always involve physical touch like hugs and kisses. You can express affection toward your friends in a lot of ways: smiling, greeting them warmly, praising their work with excitement, and telling them how great they are.

Try showing your affection the next time you hang out – and reap the rewards of reciprocity.

Summary

Whether we like it or not, friendships are essential to our well-being – maybe even more so than romantic relationships. That’s why it’s important for us to learn to make and keep friends. We can do this by taking the initiative to start the friendship, being authentic, resolving conflict, and showing vulnerability, generosity, and affection.

About the author

Dr. Marisa G. Franco holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland and works as a professor there currently. She writes for Psychology Today and she has been a featured psychologist in The New York Times, NPR, and Good Morning America. Dr. Franco delivers talks about connection and belonging all over the country to private companies, universities, and non-profit organizations.

Table of Contents

Author’s Note xi
Introduction: The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult xiii
Part I Looking Back How We’ve Become the Friends We Are
Chapter 1 How Friendship Transforms Our Lives 3
Chapter 2 How Our Past Relationships Affect Our Present 30
Part II Looking Forward Practices to Make and Keep Friends
Chapter 3 Taking Initiative 61
Chapter 4 Expressing Vulnerability 93
Chapter 5 Pursuing Authenticity 134
Chapter 6 Harmonizing with Anger 172
Chapter 7 Offering Generosity 201
Chapter 8 Giving Affection 236
Conclusion 269
Acknowledgments 273
Notes 277
Index 303