How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict. In a world fraught with conflict, “Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict” by renowned negotiation expert William Ury offers game-changing insights to not only survive, but thrive amidst adversity.
Dive into this transformative book to unlock the secrets to turning conflict into opportunity and achieving extraordinary results in your personal and professional life. Keep reading to discover the key takeaways that will empower you to navigate even the most challenging conflicts with skill and confidence.
Don’t let conflict hold you back any longer. Read on to uncover the proven strategies and life-changing insights from “Possible” that will transform how you approach conflict and enable you to thrive in all areas of life.
Table of Contents
Genres
Communication Skills, Politics, Personal Development, Society, Culture, Self-Help, Business, Leadership, Communication, Psychology, Relationships, Conflict Resolution, Negotiation, Nonfiction
In “Possible”, William Ury draws on decades of experience as a negotiation expert to provide a powerful framework for navigating conflict effectively. He argues that while conflict is inevitable, it doesn’t have to be an obstacle to success and fulfillment. Instead, by shifting our mindset and embracing key principles, we can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth, innovation, and positive change.
Ury introduces the concept of the “Third Side” – the community around us that can play a constructive role in resolving conflicts. He outlines 10 practical roles we can all play, from the Provider who meets basic needs to the Healer who repairs broken relationships. Through vivid storytelling and real-world examples, Ury shows how these roles can be applied in our families, workplaces, communities, and the world at large.
Central to Ury’s approach is the idea that our most challenging conflicts often stem from deeper unmet needs and desires. By learning to uncover and address the underlying issues, we open up new possibilities for creative problem-solving. He provides a step-by-step process for doing this, emphasizing the importance of active listening, empathy, and collaborative brainstorming.
Ury also tackles common obstacles to resolving conflicts, such as strong emotions, misperceptions, and power imbalances. He offers practical tips and techniques for dealing with difficult people and situations, from reframing the conflict to using “I-statements” to disarm defensiveness. Throughout, he stresses the importance of maintaining a learning mindset, staying curious and open to new perspectives.
Ultimately, “Possible” is a hopeful and empowering book, reminding us that even in an age of conflict, we have the power to create positive change. By developing our skills as peacemakers and conflict transformers, we can not only survive but thrive, building stronger relationships and more resilient communities.
Review
“Possible” is an invaluable resource for anyone looking to navigate the challenges of conflict more effectively. William Ury’s wealth of experience as a mediator and negotiator shines through in the book’s engaging stories, practical insights, and proven strategies.
One of the book’s greatest strengths is its accessibility. Ury has a gift for breaking down complex concepts into simple, actionable steps that readers can immediately apply in their own lives. His writing is clear, concise, and always grounded in real-world examples, making it easy to grasp and retain the key ideas.
Another highlight is the book’s holistic approach to conflict resolution. Rather than focusing solely on individual tactics, Ury emphasizes the importance of cultivating a conflict-positive mindset and building supportive communities. By showing how we can all play a role in transforming conflicts, he empowers readers to become agents of positive change in their own spheres of influence.
Perhaps most valuable of all is the book’s emphasis on uncovering the deeper issues beneath the surface of conflicts. Ury provides a compelling case for why this is essential, along with concrete tools for doing it effectively. His insights into active listening, reframing, and collaborative problem-solving are applicable not only to major conflicts but to everyday disagreements and misunderstandings.
If there is any weakness to the book, it may be that some of the examples and anecdotes feel slightly dated or less relevant to today’s challenges. However, this is a minor quibble in an otherwise timeless and indispensable guide to navigating conflict.
Overall, “Possible” is a must-read for anyone who wants to improve their relationships, advance their career, or make a positive difference in the world. With its perfect balance of inspiration and practicality, it’s a book that will transform how you view and approach conflict – and equip you with the tools to turn even the most challenging situations into opportunities for growth and success.
Introduction: Transform your conflicts into opportunities for growth and cooperation
Possible (2024) introduces a groundbreaking strategy for confronting the increase in conflicts that threaten aspects of daily life, from personal relationships to global dynamics. It posits that by engaging with conflict constructively, you can unlock the potential for creative problem-solving and strengthen relationships. This approach will equip you with the tools to transform adversarial interactions into cooperative successes, paving the way for progress in every aspect of your life.
It was a freezing night in January 1977 when William Ury received a life-changing phone call. In his small rented room, he could never have anticipated how a conversation with Professor Roger Fisher would redefine his path. That call was an invitation into the world of conflict resolution, a field where Ury’s insights would soon shine a new light on the art of turning disputes into opportunities for peace and cooperation.
Conflict resolution is grounded in the simple yet transformative realization that the way people communicate during disputes can either deepen the divide or bridge it. Moving away from hashing out past grievances to focus on present and future solutions opens up a path to mutual understanding and agreement. This approach doesn’t apply just to global negotiations, but to everyday disagreements as well, offering a blueprint for harmony that respects differing perspectives.
Ury posits that conflict isn’t an anomaly in human society; it’s a natural occurrence stemming from diverse viewpoints and interests. But rather than seeing it as a barrier, imagine viewing conflict as a catalyst for growth, learning, and innovation. This shift in perspective reveals conflict as an opportunity to strengthen bonds, foster creativity, and drive social progress.
Enter the concept of possibilism – the belief in the power of human agency to transform conflict from a destructive force into a constructive one. This philosophy underscores Ury’s approach to conflict resolution, emphasizing curiosity, creativity, and collaboration as key ingredients in the alchemy of transforming conflicts.
In this Blink, you’ll discover insights into how to approach conflict in your life and the wider world through a new lens. Whether it’s in personal relationships, within communities, or on the global stage, the lessons shared will offer you a promising path to a future where conflicts serve as stepping stones to a more cooperative and peaceful existence.
The three victories
In 1906, when Eddie, Ury’s grandfather, was 13 years old, he embarked on a daunting journey from Warsaw – part of the Russian empire at that time – to America. His story encapsulates what Ury terms possibilism. Fleeing from the oppressive grip of the Russian Empire, Eddie’s odyssey wasn’t just a quest for safety but a foundational story of seeing beyond immediate obstacles to the boundless opportunities that lay ahead. His trajectory from a window washer to an innovator for steel giants provides a profound lesson: where others see barriers, possibilists see pathways to potential. This mindset – spotting and seizing opportunities amid significant challenges – is the crux of possibilism.
Eddie’s story is a blueprint for tackling today’s conflicts with a mindset anchored in possibility. Adopting a possibilist approach can transform your interactions and outcomes, whether you’re navigating personal disputes or engaging in broader social or political discussions. Every challenge conceals an opportunity.
When challenged by a friend to condense his extensive conflict resolution experience into a single sentence, Ury looked to Eddie’s legacy of overcoming obstacles through innovation and possibility. After some considerable thought, Ury eventually came up with this: “The path to possible is to go to the balcony, build a golden bridge, and engage the third side – all together, all at once.”
Well, okay, but what exactly does it mean? The sentence not only links back to Eddie’s life lessons, but also lays out a structured approach to conflict resolution. It visualizes a journey consisting of what Ury calls the “three victories” – gaining perspective and self-control (the balcony), creating solutions that address mutual needs (the golden bridge), and mobilizing community support to act on new possibilities (the third side). These principles form a comprehensive strategy for conflict transformation, stressing the importance of personal introspection, bridging divides, and community involvement.
The three victories are interconnected strategies that, when applied together, can dramatically shift the course of any conflict. They’re a way of being in the world, a way of engaging with others, that can transform the seemingly impossible into the achievable.
In the next three sections, you’ll learn more about each of the three victories and learn how to approach conflicts as chances to practice possiblism, whether that’s in personal, professional, or even global arenas.
The balcony
The concept of going to the balcony offers a transformative approach to conflict, urging individuals to step back to gain clarity and control. It’s structured around three key actions: pause, zoom in, and zoom out, each contributing uniquely to conflict resolution.
Pausing is the initial step, in which taking a moment of stillness allows for emotional and mental distancing from the heat of conflict. It means creating a gap between stimulus and response, allowing for a moment of reflection that can transform a potentially destructive path into a constructive outcome. Consider the story of Vasili Arkhipov, a senior naval officer during the Cuban Missile Crisis, who chose to pause and evaluate the situation rather than react impulsively to the depth charges exploding around his submarine. Despite the intense pressure to launch a nuclear torpedo, which would have likely ignited a nuclear war, Arkhipov remained calm and considered the wider implications of such an action. His decision to pause, not to react with fear or anger, illustrates the impact a moment of intentional stillness can have, not just on the immediate participants but potentially on the world at large.
The practice of pausing not only allows for personal regulation but also opens up the space to consider the broader context and long-term impact of your actions. By adopting this simple yet transformative practice, you empower yourself to navigate conflicts with a clearer, more focused perspective, ultimately leading to more purposeful and beneficial outcomes.
Zooming in follows pausing and involves a deep dive into personal goals and needs, peeling back the layers of immediate wants to uncover what’s genuinely at stake. This introspective process asks, What do I really want? It moves beyond the superficial to access the core needs driving your stance in the conflict. The story of parents deciding on a surgeon for their child’s critical surgery perfectly illustrates zooming in. Initially repelled by the insensitive remarks made by their daughter’s doctor, reflection led them to prioritize their child’s well-being over their first impressions. This shift from a reactive position to focusing on core needs – ensuring their daughter’s well-being – allowed them to see past their initial impressions and form a decade-long relationship with the surgeon.
Lastly, zooming out in conflict resolution involves expanding your perspective to understand the broader context. This broader view can reveal the interplay of various stakeholders, hidden dynamics, or long-term implications that aren’t apparent when your focus is too narrow.
Zooming out also enables the identification of your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement, or BATNA, providing clarity on how to meet needs independent of the negotiation outcome. This encourages individuals to explore how they can fulfill their core desires and objectives, regardless of the negotiation’s immediate result. By assessing the broader landscape of possibilities, including worst-case scenarios, individuals can strategize more effectively, enhancing their negotiating position and facilitating a shift from a zero-sum perspective to one in which mutual gains are recognized and pursued.
Together, these three steps forge a pathway through conflict that combines self-reflection with strategic insight, highlighting the importance of understanding both personal motivations and the broader conflict environment.
The golden bridge
Building a golden bridge is a transformative process that turns conflict into collaboration through three pivotal actions: listening, creating, and attracting. This approach not only seeks to bridge gaps in understanding and interests but also aims to transform relationships and outcomes, turning challenging conflicts into opportunities for positive change and lasting peace. Let’s look at each of its elements in turn.
Listening serves as the foundational step and demands a shift from merely hearing to a profound understanding of others’ perspectives, needs, and emotions. This process of empathetic engagement is essential for gathering insights and nurturing mutual respect and trust. It involves empathy, the capacity to genuinely step into another’s shoes, and strategic empathy, particularly important in adversarial settings. It prompts you to listen even when it’s least appealing, opening up pathways to change minds and hearts by genuinely understanding where others are coming from. This kind of listening can fundamentally alter conflict dynamics, making it an indispensable skill for effective conflict navigation and resolution.
Beyond just understanding others, listening also requires self-awareness and introspection. Before effectively listening to others, you must listen to yourself, acknowledging your personal emotions, biases, and preconceptions. This internal listening clears the way for sincere engagement with others, promoting genuine dialogue and demonstrating a fundamental respect for their humanity. Listening, in this context, isn’t just a method for resolving conflicts, but also a demonstration of respect and an essential step toward building bridges.
The act of creating in conflict resolution encourages engagement not only with analytical precision but also with imaginative thinking, opening up new possibilities. This approach requires a willingness to brainstorm without judgment, allowing unconventional ideas to emerge. By creating a collaborative space for refining and evaluating ideas constructively, creativity becomes a key instrument in bridging divides, leading to solutions that respect the needs and values of all parties, and ultimately transforming the landscape of conflict into an arena of opportunity and reconciliation.
Attracting parties to a resolution means shifting from confrontation to collaboration by crafting an environment that fosters voluntary agreement. This strategy highlights the need for a process that is not only appealing and trustworthy but also emphasizes the importance of actively listening to all parties involved to foster mutual understanding and respect. By addressing the underlying interests behind stated positions, negotiators can explore creative solutions that simplify the path to agreement.
Building trust is fundamental to attracting in conflict resolution, as trust can significantly transform contentious negotiations by paving the way for constructive dialogue and compromise. Developing trust involves identifying and taking small yet meaningful actions that signal goodwill and a commitment to understanding the other side’s perspective. These actions, or besitos – little kisses – serve as initial steps toward establishing rapport and a foundation of trust. By creating a “trust menu” of potential actions that both parties can take to demonstrate their openness to dialogue, negotiators can gradually strengthen the relationship. This approach underscores that trust isn’t merely a byproduct of successful negotiations, but also a crucial element that facilitates the journey toward a mutually satisfying agreement.
The third side
The concept of the “third side” introduces a collective approach to transforming conflict and centers around three key strategies: hosting, helping, and swarming. Each of these plays a unique role in advancing understanding, encouraging dialogue, and leading all involved toward mutually beneficial resolutions. Highlighting the community’s integral part in resolving disputes, the third side framework suggests that when conflicts affect everyone, addressing them becomes a shared responsibility.
February 2003, Caracas, Venezuela. In a country torn apart by political conflict, a public dialogue has been organized, with the hope of fostering peace and understanding. The event attracts over a thousand people, far exceeding the anticipated few hundred. The gathering, initially planned as a modest meeting, transforms into a massive, charged assembly, challenging the organizers to create a space where every voice can be heard despite the polarized atmosphere.
The unexpectedly high turnout highlighted a widespread yearning for inclusion and for a platform to bridge deeply entrenched divides. It exemplified the essence of the concept of “host” in action. The organizers, faced with the potential for violence due to the large, divided crowd, responded by fostering an inclusive environment that acknowledged the humanity and dignity of each participant.
Hosting is grounded in the belief that every dispute, no matter how polarized, exists within a broader social context that we all share. By embracing inclusion, we acknowledge interconnectedness and the shared human desire to belong and be understood. Hosting is a profound act of humanity, fostering environments where empathy and mutual respect can flourish, leading to more constructive and harmonious outcomes.
The concept of “help” means recognizing your innate ability to contribute to resolving conflicts. When encountering disputes, shifting your mindset from “I can’t” to “I can” will enable you to see beyond the immediate contention, encouraging you to engage constructively. Practical steps you can take include listening deeply and asking questions that encourage self-reflection and clarity. The key is to approach each situation with a mindset of curiosity, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand, rather than to fix or advise.
In October 2017, amid rising tensions and the looming threat of nuclear war with North Korea, an unusual social experiment took place in Boulder, Colorado. The experiment sought to tackle this international conflict through a method known as “swarming.” Twelve volunteers, none of them experts on North Korea, were gathered in a rental house for two weeks. Their task was formidable: to creatively explore potential interventions that could prevent nuclear escalation. The team, diverse in backgrounds but united in purpose, embarked on a process of radical collaboration. They employed design thinking’s principle of rapid prototyping, approaching the problem from multiple angles to unlock new possibilities. The volunteers simulated this strategy, aiming to generate a critical mass of creative solutions for peace.
The essence of swarming, as illustrated by this example, involves surrounding a problem with a multitude of perspectives and ideas, leveraging the power of collaboration to explore new paths to resolution. Practically, you can engage in swarming by assembling a team with a variety of backgrounds to tackle a problem, encouraging radical collaboration, and persistently exploring every avenue until innovative solutions emerge. The goal is to create a surge of ideas and influence that can shift a challenging situation toward constructive outcomes. In essence, swarming harnesses the power of unity to transform conflicts, highlighting the principle that collective action and diversity of thought are instrumental to devising effective solutions.
Conclusion
Engaging constructively with conflict unlocks the potential for creative problem-solving and strengthening relationships. This transformative approach equips you with the tools to turn adversarial interactions into cooperative successes, paving the way for progress across every facet of life. At its heart, Ury presents the three victories: the balcony, the golden bridge, and the third side – each comprising essential elements for resolving disputes constructively.
Through the balcony, Ury teaches us to pause and gain perspective, encouraging a step back to assess and control our responses to conflict. This reflective vantage point allows us to zoom in on our true needs and zoom out to see the broader context, offering a path to clarity and strategic action. The golden bridge is built by listening deeply, creating solutions that cater to mutual needs, and attracting all parties toward collaboration. This approach transforms confrontation into cooperation, emphasizing empathy and creativity in crafting paths to mutual understanding. And the third side shifts the perspective to a collective resolution, advocating the hosting of inclusive dialogues, helping through supportive actions, and swarming problems with a diversity of ideas and solutions. It underlines the community’s role in turning conflicts into opportunities for unity and innovation.
The final message is clear: by integrating the practices of the balcony, the golden bridge, and the third side, you can navigate conflicts not as obstacles, but as avenues for growth and collaboration. When you embrace these strategies, you’ll transform your approach to conflict into opportunities for positive change.
William Ury, cofounder of Harvard’s Program on Negotiation, has contributed to the field of negotiation as a mediator and advisor in diverse conflicts worldwide, from corporate boardrooms to international wars. His previous works include Getting to Yes, which he coauthored with Roger Fisher, Getting Past No, and The Power of a Positive No.