Navigating condolences can be tricky. Dana Lacy Amarisa and Nate Hinerman offer valuable insights on expressing sympathy effectively. Their advice helps you find the right words during difficult times.
Ready to improve your ability to comfort others? Keep reading for expert tips on offering condolences in various situations.
Table of Contents
- Genres
- Review
- Recommendation
- Take-Aways
- Summary
- Humans are often inept at extending condolences that actually comfort those who are suffering.
- Condolences fall flat mainly because people fear the grief the mourner is experiencing.
- To convey considerate condolences, you must have mindful compassion for yourself.
- Postpone offering condolences if you are not in the right frame of mind to show the griever support.
- About the Speakers
Genres
Self-help, Grief counseling, Etiquette, Communication skills, Psychology, Social skills, Emotional intelligence, Personal development, Relationship advice, Life skills
The video discusses how to express condolences appropriately in various situations. It emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the loss, avoiding comparisons, and offering specific help. The speakers advise against using clichés and suggest focusing on the deceased person’s life and impact.
They recommend being present, listening actively, and sharing positive memories. The video also covers how to support someone experiencing anticipatory grief and addresses condolences in professional settings.
Review
Amarisa and Hinerman provide practical, compassionate advice for a challenging topic. Their guidance is clear and applicable to diverse situations. The video’s strength lies in its specific examples and explanations of why certain approaches work better than others.
It effectively balances professional insight with relatable scenarios, making the content accessible to a wide audience. While comprehensive, the video could benefit from more visual aids to reinforce key points. Overall, it’s a valuable resource for anyone looking to improve their ability to offer meaningful support during times of loss.
Recommendation
When writer Dana Lacy Amarisa lost two children and her father within a 20-month period, she heard myriad well-meaning but insensitive condolences that invalidated her pain. In the grips of grief, she felt too “misunderstood,” “unseen,” and “vulnerable” to offer a retort. Once she pulled through the agony, she committed to studying and writing about why people bungle condolences. In a lively discussion with psychotherapist Nate Hinerman, Amarisa explains the essence of kind, useful, heartfelt condolences. Their insights will teach you how to show up for loved ones who are suffering.
Take-Aways
- Humans are often inept at extending condolences that actually comfort those who are suffering.
- Condolences fall flat mainly because people fear the grief the mourner is experiencing.
- To convey considerate condolences, you must have mindful compassion for yourself.
- Postpone your condolence if you are not in the right frame of mind to show the griever support.
Summary
Humans are often inept at extending condolences that actually comfort those who are suffering.
Years ago, writer Dana Lacy Amarisa met Mark — a friend of a friend — during a lunch date. When Mark unexpectedly told her that he had lung cancer, Amarisa panicked. “Are you a smoker?” she blurted out. Cringing at her insensitivity, she asked if she could try again to extend her condolences.
Later, when Amarisa’s infant daughter died, she gained firsthand experience of being on the receiving end of poorly delivered condolences. Friends’ well-meaning attempts to cheer her up — “Oh, you can have another baby” or “Well, at least she was only 13 days old, so you didn’t get too close” — unintentionally trivialized her pain. When she lost her father, Amarisa once again felt a huge divide between the support she longed for and the words she heard, which seemed to imply she ought to be less upset: “Your dad wouldn’t want you to be sad” and “Was it expected or was it sudden?”
Condolences fall flat mainly because people fear the grief the mourner is experiencing.
Condolences usually miss the mark due to one underlying reason, though people often believe the issue lies elsewhere. People report that worries about selecting the right words prevent them from expressing condolences well. They also note that talking about death makes them feel uncomfortable.
“Pat condolences are a small fight or flight response.” (Dana Lacy Amarisa)
However, the core reason people are inept at offering condolences is that they fear grief itself. They haven’t come to terms with the fact that they, too, could encounter tragedy. And they want to insulate themselves from that thought. So in an effort to bury those fears, they reactively push grievers to deny their own negative emotions.
To convey considerate condolences, you must have mindful compassion for yourself.
The impulse to recoil from grief can sometimes manifest as toxic positivity — “Well, at least you have X, Y, and Z” — or hollow-sounding platitudes — “Sorry for your loss.” Well-meaning attempts to find common ground may also lead people to try to compare the griever’s tragedy to events in the condolence-giver’s life. Whatever form they take, inadequate condolences fail to bridge the relational gap between the giver and the receiver.
“Sometimes, to do condolences, we’ve got to do a little grief work first.” (Nate Hinerman)
Take three steps to improve how you respond to a griever:
- Focus on yourself — Breathe, get grounded, and enter a mindful state. Examine your feelings about the griever’s situation. Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you think the griever is crying too much or wallowing in self-pity? Do you resent that the griever has changed?
- Explore your feelings without judgment — Don’t feel ashamed if your self-reflection conjures insensitive thoughts. Only mindful introspection can help you shift your frame of mind. Once you’ve accepted your own feelings with kindness, you can begin to accept the griever’s emotions.
- Return your attention to the griever — Now that you’ve analyzed your state of mind and shown yourself some compassion, you are in a better position to assess what the griever needs and to extend heartfelt condolences.
Postpone offering condolences if you are not in the right frame of mind to show the griever support.
Sometimes, another person’s grief will spark such painful feelings in you that you won’t be able to put yourself in the right frame of mind to support them. When that occurs, it makes sense to postpone offering your condolences — but that doesn’t mean avoiding the griever or saying nothing. Instead, say, “You’ve been on my mind. Now’s not a good time, but I will reach out to you.” If the message you want to convey is too emotionally charged to deliver face-to-face, consider writing a condolence note. Grief can last many years. If you can, reach out to grieving loved ones regularly, even if that just entails sending a quick text message. Help them avoid any feelings of guilt by letting them know you don’t expect a response.
“If we bungle a condolence…those tend to stick. [People]…remember the tone that wasn’t right or the card that wasn’t sent.” (Nate Hinerman)
Remember that the primary goals in giving condolences are honest connection and empathy. Before offering condolences, pause to evaluate your emotional state and adjust your attitude if necessary. By being vulnerable, you allow grievers to be open, too. And if, despite your best intentions, you rush a condolence or inadvertently say something hurtful, admit your error and try again.
About the Speakers
Writer Dana Lacy Amarisa is the founder of the Be A Bridge Condolences Project, which teaches how to console people who are grieving. Philosopher and psychotherapist Nate Hinerman teaches at the University of San Francisco.