Feeling Limited by Monogamy? Could a Custom-Designed Relationship Be Your Path to Deeper Intimacy?

From Monogamish to Polyamory: How Do You Choose the Right Relationship Style for You and Your Partner?

Explore designer relationships beyond traditional monogamy. Learn about polyamory, open relationships, and the communication skills needed to craft a partnership based on your unique needs and desires. Ready to see what these partnerships look like in practice? Let’s explore the diverse spectrum of designer relationships to help you find the structure that resonates with you.

Genres

Communication Skills, Sex, Relationships, Personal Development

Introduction: Welcome to the world of designer relationships

Designer Relationships (2015) explores the concept of flexible, customized partnerships that evolve beyond traditional monogamy, allowing individuals to craft relationships based on their unique needs and desires. It argues that this approach empowers people to create diverse, mutually agreed-upon relationship structures, ranging from emotional bonds without sexual involvement to various forms of nonmonogamy and kink exploration.

Contemporary relationships are undergoing a profound transformation, and this evolution is opening up exciting new possibilities for connection and intimacy. No longer bound by the constraints of traditional monogamy, individuals now have the freedom to craft partnerships that truly reflect their desires, values, and needs.

Kenneth Haslam, founder of the Kinsey Institute’s Polyamory Archive, coined the term “designer relationships” to describe this new paradigm. This concept encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship structures, all united by their emphasis on conscious choice and mutual agreement. Designer relationships can take many forms: from emotional bonds without sexual involvement, to sexually exclusive partnerships, to various forms of consensual nonmonogamy. They may include exploring kink, maintaining multiple concurrent partnerships, or any combination that suits the individuals involved.

The beauty of designer relationships lies in their flexibility and intentionality. Unlike traditional monogamy, which is often entered into with unexamined assumptions, designer relationships encourage open communication about boundaries, preferences, and agreements. This approach fosters a deeper understanding between partners and allows relationships to evolve as circumstances and desires change.

By viewing partnerships as something that can be consciously crafted, individuals can create connections that are more authentic, fulfilling, and tailored to their unique situations. In this summary, we’ll explore how you can radically reimagine love and commitment, and the skills you’ll need to support your own designer relationships.

Know your designer relationship

Let’s start off with an overview of various relationship structures that fall under the umbrella of “designer relationships,” so you can discover the breadth of options available. Remember, these categories aren’t rigid and can overlap or evolve over time.

Single by choice: Individuals who actively choose to remain unpartnered, focusing on personal growth, career, or other priorities. This lifestyle emphasizes self-sufficiency and independence.

Single and polyamorous: Those who maintain multiple romantic or sexual connections without a primary partner. This approach allows for diverse experiences and connections without the traditional framework of a central relationship.

Nonsexual: Relationships that don’t involve sexual activity, often based on strong emotional or intellectual connections. These partnerships can be deeply fulfilling and may include activities like co-parenting or shared living arrangements.

Monogamous by choice: Partners who consciously choose exclusivity after exploring other options or considering alternatives. This deliberate decision often leads to a stronger commitment and clearer boundaries.

Semiconsensual nonmonogamy: An arrangement where one partner engages in outside relationships with the other’s reluctant agreement. This can be challenging and requires careful navigation, open communication, and ongoing consent.

Open relationships: Partnerships where both individuals agree to engage in sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections outside the primary relationship. Rules and boundaries are typically established to maintain the primary bond.

Monogamish: Coined by writer Dan Savage, this describes primarily monogamous couples who occasionally allow sexual encounters with others, often under specific circumstances. This might include threesomes or hall passes during travel.

Friends with benefits: A friendship that includes a sexual component without the expectations of a romantic relationship. This arrangement allows for sexual exploration within a trusted friendship.

Swinging: Couples who engage in recreational sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often at organized events or parties. Swinging typically focuses on sexual variety rather than emotional connections.

Polyamory: The practice of maintaining multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. For example: A triad where three individuals are all romantically involved with each other, or a V-shaped relationship where one person has two partners who aren’t involved with each other.

Swolly: A blend of swinging and polyamory, where couples engage in both recreational sex and form emotional connections with others. This approach combines the sexual variety of swinging with the emotional depth of polyamory.

Polyfidelity: A closed polyamorous relationship where all members are considered equal and agree not to seek additional partners. This structure offers multiple connections within a defined group.

Kink: Consensual non-conventional sexual practices, often involving power dynamics, role-play, or specific fetishes. While not a relationship structure itself, kink can be an important aspect of many designer relationships, allowing for exploration of desires and fantasies.

Successful designer relationships are built on a foundation of open and honest communication, ensuring that all involved parties freely consent to the relationship structure. Flexibility is crucial, as relationships can evolve over time, necessitating a willingness to reassess and adjust agreements. 

Self-awareness plays a vital role, as understanding one’s own needs, desires, and limitations is essential for creating fulfilling partnerships. Respect for the feelings, boundaries, and autonomy of all involved is paramount, as is the cultivation of emotional intelligence to navigate the complex emotions that can arise in non-traditional relationship structures. By adhering to these principles, you can create partnerships that authentically reflect your needs and desires, recognizing that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships.

Misconceptions about consensual nonmonogamy

Many people are intrigued by relationship structures that exist outside the norm, yet hesitate to explore them due to prevalent misconceptions about consensual nonmonogamy. Let’s address six of these myths and shed light on the realities of designer relationships.

Myth 1: Consensual nonmonogamy threatens the institution of marriage

While it’s true that marriage rates in America have been declining for decades, this trend predates the increased visibility of consensual nonmonogamy. In fact, divorce rates are higher among baby boomers than younger generations. Recognizing that open relationships work well for some people doesn’t threaten anyone else’s marriage. Many happily married couples enjoy open relationships, finding that the honesty and communication required actually strengthen their bond.

Myth 2: Consensually nonmonogamous people have a higher risk of contracting STDs

While increasing your number of sexual partners does carry a higher risk of exposure to STDs, studies have shown that people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships are often far more vigilant about safe sex practices and transparency. In contrast, nonconsensual nonmonogamy – having clandestine affairs – has been shown to carry far greater risks for contracting STDs. The open communication and emphasis on sexual health in consensual nonmonogamy often leads to more frequent testing and safer practices.

Myth 3: People in nonmonogamous relationships are incapable of true intimacy

This myth ignores the historical context of monogamy, which was initially more about preserving patriarchal power structures than fostering emotional intimacy. Emotional depth is not the sole preserve of monogamous relationships. Many people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships maintain deep, mature, and loving emotional bonds with their partners. The ability to navigate complex emotions and prioritize open communication often leads to heightened intimacy in these relationships.

Myth 4: Cheating and consensual nonmonogamy are the same thing

There’s a pervasive belief in a relationship binary: either you’re faithful to one partner or you’re cheating. In designer relationships, this binary doesn’t exist. Consensual nonmonogamy bears no resemblance to cheating. While 25-to-50 percent of divorces can be attributed to infidelity, people in open relationships who acknowledge their interest in others are far less likely to engage in deception. The hallmarks of cheating – dishonesty, betrayal, and loss of trust – are absent in consensual nonmonogamy.

Myth 5: Designer relationships are male-dominated

This myth often stems from confusion between polygamy – having multiple spouses – and polyamory, having multiple loving relationships. Specifically, polygyny – when one man has multiple wives – has historically been associated with patriarchal societies. However, most modern polyamorous or open relationships are not inherently misogynistic. They often emphasize equality, personal autonomy, and mutual respect regardless of gender. Many women find it empowering to form multiple meaningful connections and reject traditional ownership-based relationship models.

Myth 6: Monogamy is better for children

The belief that children raised in monogamous households fare better isn’t supported by evidence. Historically, childrearing was often a communal effort, and stable polyamorous arrangements can provide equally nurturing environments. The key factors in child well-being are stability, love, and support, which aren’t exclusive to any particular relationship structure.

In conclusion, many of the fears surrounding consensual nonmonogamy are based on misconceptions rather than facts. When approached with honesty, communication, and mutual respect, designer relationships can offer fulfilling alternatives to traditional monogamy. As society evolves, it’s important to challenge these myths and recognize that there’s no single approach to love and commitment. The most important factors in any relationship are consent, communication, and the well-being of everyone involved.

Cultivate skills for exploring intimate relationships

While Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin made headlines with their “conscious uncoupling” in 2014, designer relationships take this concept of intentionality a step further by making conscious choices from the very beginning. To navigate the complexities of consensual nonmonogamy and build fulfilling, open, and communicative relationships, it’s essential to cultivate a set of intimacy skills. Let’s explore nine core skills in the context of ethical and consensual nonmonogamous relationships:

Knowing yourself sexually and relationally: Self-awareness is crucial in nonmonogamous relationships. Understanding your desires, boundaries, and emotional needs helps you communicate more effectively with partners and make informed decisions about your relationships. This self-knowledge allows you to enter into connections that truly align with your values and aspirations.

Turning towards bids for connection: Relationship researcher John Gottman emphasizes the importance of responding positively to a partner’s attempts to connect, even in small ways. In nonmonogamous relationships, where time and attention may be divided among multiple partners, being attuned to these bids for connection becomes even more critical. It helps maintain strong bonds and makes each partner feel valued and heard.

Co-creating your relationships: Designer relationships are built on the principle that partnerships should be tailored to the individuals involved. This requires active participation from all parties in defining the relationship’s structure, boundaries, and expectations. By co-creating your relationships, you ensure that everyone’s needs are considered and that the arrangement truly works for all involved.

Taking pleasure in serving your partner: In nonmonogamous relationships, generosity and a genuine desire to see your partners happy can create a positive feedback loop of mutual care and support. This attitude can mitigate feelings of jealousy or competition and foster a sense of abundance in love and affection.

Connecting through nonverbal communication: Nonverbal cues play a significant role in building intimacy. In nonmonogamous relationships, where verbal communication is already so crucial, being attuned to nonverbal signals can deepen connections and help partners feel more in sync, even when navigating complex emotional terrain.

Doing intimacy exercises: Practices like eye-gazing can foster deep connections and help partners stay present with each other. These exercises can be particularly valuable in nonmonogamous relationships, where they can reaffirm bonds and create moments of focused intimacy amid potentially busy relationship dynamics.

Building trust and avoiding relationship games: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but it’s particularly crucial in nonmonogamous arrangements. Being consistently honest, reliable, and transparent helps build and maintain trust. Avoiding manipulative behaviors or “games” is essential for creating a safe emotional environment for all involved.

Having frank conversations about sexual preferences: Open and honest discussions about sexual desires, boundaries, and safety practices are non-negotiable in consensual nonmonogamy. These conversations help ensure that all partners are on the same page, feel respected, and can engage in sexual activities with fully informed consent.

Applying compersion: Compersion, often described as the opposite of jealousy, is the feeling of joy you experience when seeing your partner happy in a relationship with someone else. Cultivating compersion can be a powerful tool in nonmonogamous relationships, helping to create a positive and supportive atmosphere where all connections are celebrated rather than seen as threats.

Developing these skills takes time, practice, and patience. It’s important to remember that no one is perfect, and there will be challenges along the way. However, by consciously working on these areas, you and your partners can create rich, fulfilling nonmonogamous relationships that are built on a foundation of mutual respect, open communication, and genuine care for one another’s well-being.

Open your partnership thoughtfully

Consensual nonmonogamy challenges the notion that monogamous couples are the only framework for successful relationships. However, many couples choose to explore this path together, seeking to open their relationship in a way that enhances their connection while preserving their unique emotional bond. Here are some strategies to help couples navigate this journey:

Before involving others, explore new sexual territories with your primary partner. This might include role-playing, trying new positions, or experimenting with power dynamics. These experiences can strengthen trust and communication, creating a solid foundation for future explorations.

Share fantasies with your primary partner. Open, honest discussions about sexual desires and fantasies can deepen intimacy and understanding. By creating a safe space to voice these thoughts, you can discover shared interests and address potential concerns before taking the next step.

Exploring sexuality in social contexts can help you become more comfortable with the idea of openness. This might involve attending a couples’ massage class, participating in a sexual workshop, or exploring social nudism. These experiences can normalize discussions about sex and help you feel more at ease with the concept of shared sexuality.

When you’re ready to open the relationship, start with shared experiences. Visiting a swingers club or engaging in a threesome can help couples ease into nonmonogamy together. This approach allows partners to support each other through new experiences and gauge their comfort levels in real-time.

Establishing clear boundaries is crucial. Couples should discuss and agree on specifics like whether kissing is allowed, rules around protection and safer sex practices, limitations on certain acts or locations, and how to handle unexpected situations. These agreements provide a sense of security and respect for the primary relationship.

Jealousy is a natural emotion that may arise, and couples should create a safe space to discuss these feelings without judgment or shame. Recognizing jealousy as an opportunity for growth, rather than a sign of failure, can lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds. Focusing on your partner’s happiness and the benefits of your open arrangement can help mitigate jealousy and foster a positive atmosphere.

By approaching consensual nonmonogamy with intention, communication, and mutual support, you can create a framework that enhances your primary relationship rather than threaten it. Remember, the goal is to expand your capacity for love and connection, not to replace or diminish your primary bond. Every couple’s journey will be unique, and it’s important to move at a pace that feels comfortable for both partners. With patience, honesty, and a commitment to each other’s well-being, couples can successfully navigate the exciting and sometimes challenging waters of consensual nonmonogamy. 

Conclusion

In this summary to Designer Relationships by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, you’ve learned that designer relationships challenge traditional monogamy by allowing individuals to craft partnerships that reflect their unique desires, values, and needs through conscious choice and mutual agreement. These relationships, which can range from emotional bonds without sexual involvement to various forms of consensual non-monogamy, emphasize open communication, flexibility, and intentionality, offering a more authentic and fulfilling approach to love and commitment in the twenty-first century.