How Can High-Quality Listening De-Escalate Arguments and Save Your Relationships?

Why Does Listening Work Better Than Arguing When You Want to Change Someone’s Mind?

Social psychologist Guy Itzchakov outlines why the urge to rebut creates polarization and how “high-quality listening” offers a better path. Learn the three essential components—Attention, Comprehension, and Positive Intention—to transform heated conflicts into constructive dialogues and foster “positivity resonance” without compromising your own beliefs.

Most of us listen only to prepare our next counterattack, a habit that drives people further apart. Continue reading to master the specific techniques of “high-quality listening” that force your brain to switch from binary thinking to finding solutions, ensuring your next disagreement builds a bridge rather than burning one.

Recommendation

If you’ve ever been entrenched in a bitter war of words with no exit in sight, you’ll welcome this timely solution from social psychologist Guy Itzchakov. He encourages squabblers locked in a stalemate to listen to one another attentively instead of hastily making counterargument after counterargument. Itzchakov’s thoughtful research-based proposal aims to de-escalate interpersonal tensions and create an environment conducive to constructive dialogue.

Take-Aways

• A failure to listen is contributing to a widening societal chasm.
• Instead of rushing to rebut your opponent, engage in “high-quality listening.”
• High-quality listening de-escalates arguments and fosters less binary thinking.
• Listening builds connection amid division.

Summary

A failure to listen is contributing to a widening societal chasm.

Here’s how most arguments play out: Each participant aims to prove the other wrong. To achieve that end, the squabblers attempt to take control of the conversation, present clear justifications, and speak with confidence. Alas, in the midst of a conflict, the warring parties fail to listen to one another. Each participant uses the time that the other person is speaking to think of a sharp rebuttal, instead of listening attentively and trying to understand the opposing point of view. Such disagreements compel people to dig in their heels, and they emerge more staunchly convinced of their standpoint.

“If high-quality listening is deliberately substituted for a rush to defend your own perspective and strike back, it could lead to more positive, less polarizing results.”

This style of quarreling has led to a growing social divide. In 2022, 28% of Americans cited the polarization of US politics as the most thorny problem facing the nation. Meanwhile, fewer Americans are willing to engage with individuals who hold opposing political beliefs, and a growing number of individuals opt to consume media only from sources that corroborate their existing beliefs.

Instead of rushing to rebut your opponent, engage in “high-quality listening.”

If people committed to high-quality listening instead of jumping to defend their own stance, arguments would have less polarizing outcomes. High-quality listening has three characteristics:

1. “Attention” — Make eye contact with your opponent and keep all distractions, such as cellphones, out of reach.
2. “Comprehension” — When your opponent finishes speaking, summarize what you’ve heard in your own words to ensure you’ve understood the essence of the argument.
3. “Positive intention” — Approach the discussion with a nonjudgmental attitude. Ask clarifying, unbiased questions. For instance, instead of asserting, “I think that your candidate’s economic agenda will damage our country,” which could sound aggressive and make your opponent defensive, you could de-escalate the conversation by asking “How do you think your candidate’s economic agenda will affect our country?”

Fulfilling these criteria doesn’t require agreeing with your opponents. Rather, it means acknowledging their points of view and their freedom to express their beliefs.

High-quality listening de-escalates arguments and fosters less binary thinking.

Research has found that when people experience high-quality listening, their attitudes become less black-and-white, and they become more willing to explore various shades of gray. One study asked business school undergraduates about the possibility of assuming management roles later in their careers. The students who spoke with high-quality listeners more readily revealed their personal flaws than those who spoke with poor listeners.

“Listening is like a muscle that requires training. The good news, however, is that listening is highly trainable.”

A series of experiments tested the impact of high-quality listening among people with opposing viewpoints on contentious issues, such as the COVID-19 vaccination, immigration, and universal basic income. When speakers interacted with high-quality listeners, they felt a stronger social connection, or “positivity resonance,” than the speakers who interacted with low-quality listeners. This phenomenon encouraged the recipients of high-quality listening to become more introspective regarding their own points of view, often softening their standpoints. These speakers were more likely to admit that the listener’s opinions also had some value and to report a shift in their attitude than the speakers who engaged with low-quality listeners, even though none of the listeners attempted to persuade any of the speakers.

Listening builds connection amid division.

Listening is a powerful conflict resolution tool. When one party engages in high-quality listening, the speaker and listener build rapport. That connection creates a sense of comfort, which encourages speakers to seek “self-insight” and, sometimes, to experience a change of heart. Such positive interactions can build bridges between people at loggerheads with one another.

“Emphasizing the value of seeking to understand before being understood can transform conversations into genuine exchanges of ideas rather than mere clashes of opinion.”

To create a world where people find solutions to controversial issues, society must make a concerted effort to create an environment that welcomes opposing opinions. Schools could include programs on listening skills, and televised public debates should incorporate the principles of high-quality listening. Happily, you can train yourself to become a high-quality listener, but don’t be perturbed when you come to realize that listening during a disagreement is tougher than you’d anticipated.

About the Author

Social psychologist Guy Itzchakov is an associate professor in the Department of Human Services at the University of Haifa, Israel.