How Can I Persuade a Stubborn Person Without Starting a Fight?

Why Is It So Hard to Change Someone’s Mind Even When You Have Facts?

Discover the psychology behind why people get “mindstuck” and reject logic. Learn Michael McQueen’s science-backed strategies to bypass the Instinctive Mind, build trust through empathy, and master the art of ethical persuasion in a polarized world. Ready to stop arguing and start influencing? Read on to master the specific psychological triggers that unlock the “Instinctive Mind” and turn conflict into connection.

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Changing minds isn’t easy — even when it’s your own. According to change strategist Michael McQueen, that’s because every human possesses two minds — the “Inquiring Mind ” and the “Instinctive Mind.” The latter one is less rational and tends to run the show. Drawing on insights from a variety of disciplines, McQueen unpacks core factors that shape people’s beliefs. He offers practical tools you can use to sharpen your powers of persuasion, and help “mindstuck” colleagues, friends, and family members embrace new points of view and push back against the modern trend of hyper-polarization.

Take-Aways

• People get “mindstuck” when their thinking becomes rigid due to mental inflexibility or overwhelm.
• The human brain has two modes of thinking: slow and logical, and fast and instinctive.
• Identity and ideology are the two drivers of the Instinctive Mind.
• To persuade people, you need to change how they see things before you try to change the way they think about them.
• People will become more open to persuasion when they feel an alignment or affinity with you.
• Show respect toward those you hope to persuade, and offer them autonomy.
• Appeal to the Instinctive Mind’s deference to group dynamics.
• To increase your persuasive power, empathize with others and engage their emotions.

Summary

People get “mindstuck” when their thinking becomes rigid due to mental inflexibility or overwhelm.

If you want to influence people to change their minds, it helps to know why so often they don’t. Even when people possess knowledge that should cause them to change their minds — and even when they want to adopt a new view or opinion — they can find it difficult. This state of being “mindstuck” doesn’t reflect any lack of intelligence or insight, but rather mental inflexibility — rigidity in thinking that can obstruct good decision-making. Being exposed to an overwhelming volume of information, as people are today, can exacerbate this condition and lead individuals to rely on their gut instinct or tribal thinking.

“[Warren] Buffett routinely advises young professionals to improve their persuasion skills — something he suggests will immediately boost their professional value by 50%.”

In today’s hyper-polarized world, stubborn adherence to pre-existing opinions has become endemic. And as a result, the ability to influence others’ decision-making has become an increasingly sought-after skill.

The human brain has two modes of thinking: slow and logical, and fast and instinctive.

Initial responses and ideas become rigid due to the way the brain functions, which is less reason-based than many people think. The brain has two primary decision-making modes. Processes in the brain’s frontal lobe drive the first decision-making mode: the “Inquiring Mind.” This mode is deliberate and analytical, and comes into play when you use logic to make choices and solve problems — like figuring out the best route from your hotel to another destination. The more primitive limbic system drives the second decision-making mode. This is the “Instinctive Mind,” which makes quick decisions based on gut feelings, operating below the level of consciousness. Salespeople know how easily and powerfully the Instinctive Mind can be invoked.

“The familiar sense we all have that we ‘just know’ something to be true or accurate is actually more of a sensation than a reasoned conclusion.”

When people encounter new information or need to make a choice, in most cases, they will have an initial response governed by the Instinctive Mind — an automatic, gut-level reaction. Then, the Inquiring Mind steps in to defend this reaction, playing the role of an “inner lawyer,” coming up with reasons and rationales. Consequently, when confronted with ideas that challenge their opinions, people respond first by becoming defensive, rather than by thinking. This defensive reflex can stand in the way of people changing their minds, and they become mindstuck.

Identity and ideology are the two drivers of the Instinctive Mind.

Deep impulses direct your Instinctive Mind’s choices. These include the automatic response of fight or flight, which comes into play the moment something challenges an existing belief or bias. The Instinctive Mind sees these psychological challenges as threats to survival, making little distinction between mental challenges and physical ones that have a potential for bodily harm.

The deep impulses that drive the Instinctive Mind include identity and ideology. The link to identity means you’re more likely to believe or agree with something your “tribe” believes. This tendency can lead to a form of groupthink where members of the group adopt beliefs and make choices that make little sense outside the group; it can also allow incorrect information to flourish unchecked within the group. The influence of identity can also explain why different people draw opposing conclusions when presented with the same information — for example, viewing a political protest, some will see it as peaceful while others will see it as hostile. Research shows when people see themselves confronted with information that contradicts their sense of identity, their Instinctive Mind reacts by pushing them to cling to their existing beliefs even more strongly.

“Our Instinctive Mind’s reluctance to see another individual as complex, nuanced, and truly human lies at the heart of all enmity.”

Identity and ideology have close links — people often “inherit” an ideology from their family, community, or culture. The two go hand-in-hand in shaping the Instinctive Mind’s responses. As a result, labeling others — or yourself — with a particular identity implies certain views and opinions and tends to diminish the capacity to engage with complexities and learn. When identity is on the line, people can fear that if they let go of a position, they might lose their entire sense of self and grasp on the world.

To persuade people, you need to change how they see things before you try to change the way they think about them.

The brain’s order of operations — instinct first, and only then reason — helps explain why many persuasion efforts fail: People try to address the logic of an opinion, idea, or choice without first addressing the deep impulses at its root. Instead, recognize human nature as more emotional than logical, and work to change the way the person feels about things first. This will lead the person’s Instinctive Mind to respond differently, clearing the way for the Inquiring Mind to operate.

Often, you can alter how people view a situation or issue just by changing the way you present it. How you pose an idea, issue, statement, or question — or change the way people see it by using conscious or unconscious cues — can cause people to think about it in new ways. Altering the context, called “reframing,” can have a powerful effect on how people see things. For example, consider the experience of seeing Earth from space. Astronauts tend to become less personally ambitious and more interested in the good of humanity as a whole after having this experience, which gives them a new, broader perspective.

One form of reframing is “priming” — establishing a certain context or point of reference before presenting information or giving people a choice. For example, you can prime someone to be more likely to agree to a task by starting with a big ask and then following up with a more moderate request. Priming can also work by suggestion: If you want to encourage a specific frame of mind, for example, open-mindedness, you could prime people to be open-minded by asking them to recall times when they behaved in an open-minded manner in the past.

“Even the most mindstuck people can be persuaded to change their minds.”

You can also change the way people see something through contrast. For example, presenting an over-the-top version of a belief a person holds can prompt that person to reconsider the position by showing how it jars against other deeply held values. Another way to use contrast is to apply someone’s line of logic to a different topic, thus revealing its shortcomings — for example, applying the way a vaccine skeptic evaluates the science surrounding vaccines to the topic of whether the Earth is flat or round.

Delivery also matters: The specific words you use can significantly influence the way people think about a question or issue. For example, labeling recycled wastewater as “purified” can make it seem more palatable, while calling sex trafficking “slavery” encourages people to see it as more egregious. Words can also evoke the moral ideas that people value. For example, politically left-leaning individuals tend to value fairness and avoidance of harm, and right-leaning people tend to prioritize loyalty, authority, and purity. Using these specific words can appeal to people’s deepest priorities.

People will become more open to persuasion when they feel an alignment or affinity with you.

A sense of affinity — of being heard, understood, and somehow alike — is a powerful element of persuasion, as it causes people to feel they know, like, and identify with you. You can encourage a sense of affinity — even amid disagreements — by changing how you approach arguments. Rather than aiming to score a victory over the other person, aim for influence. Avoid seeing yourself or the other person as synonymous with a given set of views or beliefs. Instead, draw a line between people’s identity and their opinions, both for others and for yourself. Engage thoughtfully with the ideas under debate with the aim of discovering truth — even if it conflicts with your own beliefs.

“The aim of an argument should not be victory, but progress.” (eighteenth-century French essayist Joseph Joubert)

Before asking people to reconsider their views, look for common ground with them. Seek and build on points of agreement or values you hold in common with those you’d like to persuade — thus turning the Instinctive Mind’s impulse toward tribalism in your favor. Martin Luther King Jr. succeeded in changing minds about Black Civil Rights by appealing to Americans’ shared sense of morality and patriotism.

Engaging people’s senses and, when appropriate, using friendly physical contact can also help people feel a greater affinity for you or a cause you’re promoting. You can also build rapport by showing vulnerability. Acknowledge your own fallibility or misgivings, and note holes opponents might see in your arguments. For example, take personal care brand L’Oréal’s marketing line, “We’re more expensive, but you’re worth it.” By pointing out your seeming weaknesses and then addressing them, you come across as more trustworthy and subtly prompt your listeners to be as open-minded as you appear to be. Research shows that when you display vulnerability or fallibility — by saying, for example, “I could be wrong here” — it triggers the release of the “trust” hormone oxytocin in listeners.

Show respect toward those you hope to persuade, and offer them autonomy.

Once people have taken a stance or made a choice, the ego demands that they defend their decision, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they’re wrong. Therefore, persuasion has a better chance of succeeding if you can help someone see a perspective shift as ego-bolstering, instead of as a blow to their pride, power, or sense of certainty. Validate their feelings about the topic under discussion, letting them know that you or others have had similar feelings, and then explain how or why your — or someone else’s — perspective changed. Make embracing a new idea or action feel like a win — perhaps by offering a concession or letting people feel they arrived at the decision to change independently. Point to role models who accept the belief or behavior you’re advocating, and work to make the new idea feel familiar.

“It’s vital that we allow people to change their perspective without feeling powerless.”

Asking questions conveys respect for people’s ability to think for themselves, and can prompt them to reconsider their assumptions. For example, presidential candidate Ronald Reagan swayed voters in his favor during a 1980 debate with incumbent Jimmy Carter by asking the audience, “Are you better off today than you were four years ago?” Instead of attempting to force agreement, respect people’s autonomy by offering choices — including the option to opt out of making a choice entirely. When people feel they aren’t being forced, they often become more amenable to whatever you’re suggesting. People are also more likely to buy into an idea or project when they play a role in crafting it. If you’re asking people to support your cause, seeking their help and advice can bring them on board.

Appeal to the Instinctive Mind’s deference to group dynamics.

The Instinctive Mind is wired to make decisions based on what seems to be the norm among the “tribe.” If you hear, “Nine out of ten dentists recommend Colgate,” for example, you may be more likely to feel compelled to reach for that brand. The effects of the Instinctive Mind’s “herd instinct” can become self-perpetuating: Research shows that if 75% of a group’s members hold a particular belief, another 15% will blindly follow suit without a second thought.

One way to persuade people to do something is to let them know that others they consider part of their tribe are already doing it. It’s likely they will feel prompted to join in. Similarly, implying that something is hard to get, increases its desirability by making it seem like others are snatching up the limited inventory. Framing a choice as a way for people to help their tribe is another highly effective strategy — much more powerful than offering small monetary rewards or punishments for a given behavior.

“Despite our assertions that we are individual thinkers and free agents, our Instinctive Minds tend to look to others when making decisions and arriving at judgments.”

People have an innate desire to reciprocate when someone does them a favor, and you can use this as a persuasive tool — but don’t be manipulative. People will be swayed most by acts and gifts that strike them as valuable, surprising, and personal. Sharing privileged information, which makes the individuals you share it with feel important, can have a similar effect, as can asking others for help and gaining their investment in you or your project. The impulse to return a favor is strongest in the immediate aftermath, so don’t wait too long to prompt the person to take action.

To increase your persuasive power, empathize with others and engage their emotions.

People find it difficult to see the world from a perspective that differs from their own. But to persuade others, you must be able to empathize with them — and prompt them to empathize with you or your cause, in turn. In 2015, in Germany, activists gave people the chance to get a t-shirt for just two euros. But before receiving them, people had to watch a video showcasing the horrible working conditions of the people who made the shirts. After viewing the video, most individuals chose to donate their two euros to fight garment worker exploitation instead of receiving a shirt. Giving a “face” to an issue boosted the persuasive power of the activists’ message.

“What matters most is that we don’t overlook the importance of engaging people’s hearts in order to change their minds.”

To avoid arousing a defensive response when you make a request or give someone new information, use hypothetical questions and scenario-posing. For example, your boss is more likely to respond well to “What would I need to do to get a raise?” than to a direct request for more money. Asking people to argue someone else’s point or to sum up a situation from the perspective of a neutral third party can also encourage them to be more empathetic toward other views and more open to changing their minds.

A tangible, emotion-generating experience tied to an opposing point of view can be quite eye-opening. For example, left-leaning journalists have noted that spending time in conservative environments — such as a Trump rally or a NASCAR race — changed their overly simplistic and antagonistic views of right-leaning voters. Even simulated experiences — a brief chance to experience life in a refugee camp, for instance — can generate empathy and alter perspectives.

About the Author

Michael McQueen is a change strategist, an award-winning speaker and the author of 10 books, including The New Rules of Engagement, Winning the Battle for Relevance, and How to Prepare for What’s Next.