How Can You Speak Your Truth Without Getting Cancelled or Ostracized?

Why Is Speaking Your Mind So Scary and How Do You Find Moral Courage?

Learn how to express unpopular opinions without facing social rejection. Arthur C. Brooks outlines the psychology behind the fear of ostracism and provides four practical steps to summon moral courage. Master the art of speaking the unsayable with empathy and integrity to maintain your relationships while staying true to yourself.

Silence may feel safe, but it often comes at the cost of your identity. Read on to master the four specific techniques for delivering hard truths gently, so you can finally express what you really believe without destroying your relationships.

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In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius counsels his son, Laertes: “This above all: to thine own self be true.” But if thine own self were to harbor any, say, contentious or taboo opinions, shouldst thou nevertheless be true? In the age of cancel culture, individuals fear that their authentic selves, unleashed, would become social pariahs. In truth, everyone holds secret beliefs that they hide from others. Social scientist and journalist Arthur C. Brooks explores the theme of ostracism and explains how to muster the “moral courage” to disclose your true beliefs — if you deem it a worthwhile endeavor.

Take-Aways

• Conformity offered social protection in ancient times.
• Ostracism jeopardizes several basic psychological needs, including the need for “belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaning.”
• Tap into your “moral courage” to reveal your true beliefs, even in the face of ostracism.

Summary

Conformity offered social protection in ancient times.

People hide their true feelings for various reasons. Under authoritarian regimes, individuals are not allowed to say what they believe. Under totalitarian regimes, subjects must express beliefs contrary to those they believe. Yet even in free societies, many people censor themselves because they fear their truth will result in social exclusion.

“For your ancestors, conformity meant survival. When humans clung to one another against the elements, predators, and warlike rival tribes, to go against the group was to risk being cast out and dying alone in the wilderness.”

In ancient times, conformity meant safety in numbers. Anyone who went against the grain became a social pariah and was banished from the community. While this fear is no longer valid, the brain has not yet evolved to dismiss it. The anterior cingulate cortex is an area of the brain tasked with spotting rejection and feeling the acute pain of any resulting fallout.

Ostracism jeopardizes several basic psychological needs, including the need for “belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaning.”

If your family disowns you or your friends ghost you, you lose your sense of identity and ties to these groups. Their condemnation might trigger you to feel alone, insignificant, and powerless.

Academia is a dog-eat-dog world. Scholars regularly dissect their opponents’ work. Consequently, you might expect academics to be thick-skinned in the face of brutal feedback. Yet many scholars report feeling depressed and suicidal following criticism of their work. Moreover, an academic’s university and fellow scholars instinctively distance themselves from any controversy, leaving the target of criticism feeling unprotected and alone.

“To envy someone who doesn’t care about rejection might be like envying someone with defective nerve endings who can’t feel anything when they touch a hot stove.”

Some people are immune to the fear of ostracism. However, research indicates that such individuals exhibit the markers of a condition called “antisocial personality disorder.” They have diminished activity in the anterior cingulate cortex. Nevertheless, many people with high-functioning limbic systems manage to rise above the threat of rejection to stand up for their beliefs.

Tap into your “moral courage” to reveal your true beliefs, even in the face of ostracism.

Moral courage is the nerve to stand up for your convictions, despite the threat of rejection or punishment. Summon your moral courage in four ways:

• “Make the threat real” — When people fear ostracism, they worry about vague feelings of negative fallout. Instead, articulate a specific worst-case scenario. Ask yourself what belief you hold that you are too afraid to express, why you cling to that contrarian belief, what benefits could ensue by voicing your true opinions, and what repercussions you could expect.
• “Don’t go in hot” — After months, years, or even decades of suppressing your controversial opinion, your true thoughts and feelings could erupt unexpectedly. Prevent revealing all at the next family occasion by considering the best time and place to share your thoughts calmly. Give a heads-up to anyone whose support you will need. Anticipate and prepare for any retaliation. For example, you might decide to delete your social media accounts in advance to ward off online attacks.
• “Practice, practice, practice” — If you try to ad-lib, you’ll tie yourself in knots. To get your words just right, write a speech and recite it again and again. Imagine the response to your “hard truths,” and tweak your speech. When the moment arrives to finally reveal your true beliefs, “make it the tenth time you have heard yourself say the words.”
• “Tell it slant and with love” — Channel your inner Emily Dickinson, who wrote, “The Truth must dazzle gradually / Or every man be blind.” That is, strive to reveal your truth indirectly or incrementally so as not to shock the recipient of your news. Perhaps you could start by revealing your support for another person who shares your hidden belief. Convey your truth with love, not with hate.

“Moral courage does not come without risks, and the path of least resistance in our world may be to just swallow your views — or change them to agree with the masses.”

Only you will know whether the benefits of revealing your true self trump the effort and the risk. While gaining personal integrity brings a sense of inner peace, taking the high road is rarely the easiest path.

About the Author

Social scientist Arthur C. Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How to Build a Happy Life podcast.