How Do You Get Honest Feedback Without Putting People on the Defensive? (Ask by Jeff Wetzler)

What Are the Best Questions to Build Psychological Safety and Improve Team Communication?

Use Jeff Wetzler’s 5-step Ask Approach—choose curiosity, make it safe, ask quality questions, listen to learn, reflect and reconnect—to surface hidden concerns and improve leadership conversations. Keep reading for practical question prompts, “crummy question” rewrites, and a simple listening checklist to turn guarded conversations into clear, usable insight.

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Can you read minds? Most people overestimate their telepathic abilities and often make false assumptions about what other people think, feel, and know. Fortunately, Jeff Wetzler, the chief learning officer at Teach for America, has developed an applicable approach to help you accurately read people by facilitating more honest and meaningful discourse. Wetzler’s Ask Approach will teach you how to pose questions that trigger truthful moments of exchange and give you the tools you need to listen to — and learn from — what others share with you.

Take-Aways

• Get better at discerning people’s hidden thoughts and feelings with the Ask Approach.
• Overcome the common barriers to open, honest communication.
• “Choose curiosity” by embracing a learner’s mindset.
• “Make it safe” to express difficult opinions by building a culture of psychological safety.
• “Pose quality questions” that reflect your authentic curiosity.
• “Listen to learn” by giving your interlocutor your full attention and presence.
• “Reflect and reconnect” by translating your most valuable insights into action.
• Mastering the Ask Approach can help you transform your career, personal life, and the world.

Summary

Get better at discerning people’s hidden thoughts and feelings with the Ask Approach.

When a 2011 poll asked Americans which superpower they wish they had, the top responses were mind-reading and time travel. While time travel is currently impossible, with the right approach to interpersonal communication, you can improve your mind-reading skills. Knowing where you stand with clients, colleagues, friends, and family can be tricky, especially as many people frequently withhold their thoughts and feelings. Thus, what they say often differs from their true opinions and beliefs. For example, a client might tell you they’d be happy to set up another meeting with you, while their inner dialogue says, “You’ve got to be kidding! We met three times last week alone!” Research shows that withholding vital information is pervasive in the workplace: More than 85% of workers admit that they failed to voice concerns to their bosses about issues they felt were important.

“When we fail to recognize and overcome the barriers that lead the people around us to hold back, we miss out on enormous learning and insights, which are right there in front of our noses!”

People withhold four kinds of information: their challenges and bugbears, their true beliefs and feelings, their candid feedback and suggestions, and their most radical ideas and fantasies. According to behavioral scientist Nick Epley, most people overestimate their ability to discern what others think and feel. Happily, the best way to gain insights into what others are withholding, according to Epley, is simply to ask them questions. With the Ask Approach, you’ll learn to ask questions in a way that begets responsive, honest answers. Learning to ask the right questions will give you a new superpower. All you have to do is commit to the Ask Approach’s practices.

Overcome the common barriers to open, honest communication.

Before you encourage others to speak out, you need to grasp why they might be reluctant to do so. Four barriers prevent people from sharing their true thoughts and feelings:

1. They worry about the consequences of sharing — According to research on organizational behavior from Nicole Abi-Esber and her team, people often overestimate how uncomfortable, distressed, or embarrassed candid feedback will make recipients feel, to the extent that 97% of people won’t inform another person if they have a smudge on their face. People also worry that they will face harsh judgment, ridicule, or punishment for extending honest feedback. Many withhold information because they fear the truth could damage their relationships.
2. They struggle to express themselves — People often struggle to articulate what they are thinking or feeling when put on the spot, especially when they are delivering sensitive information. The brain thinks at roughly 900 words per minute, but the average person can speak only 125 words per minute, so people process information faster than they can formulate a response. Alternatively, a person may not yet know what they feel or think and might need more time to form an opinion.
3. They don’t have ample energy or time — People may feel too overwhelmed, busy, or depleted to have an honest interaction, which requires both emotional and cognitive labor.
4. They doubt the recipient would appreciate their insights — Many people don’t realize the value that their voice and perspective bring. People won’t share with you if you’ve ever shot down their opinions or feedback in the past, or if your corporate culture fails to celebrate a diverse array of voices.

To find out what others think, feel, and know, adopt the five-step Ask Approach: “Choose curiosity, make it safe, pose quality questions, listen to learn,” and “reflect and reconnect.”

“Choose curiosity” by embracing a learner’s mindset.

Consider curiosity a choice rather than an innate trait: Choosing curiosity means embracing the possibility of learning something new and intentionally seeking out new information and perspectives. Aspire to have “strong ideas, weakly held” (a phrase used by future forecaster Paul Saffo) instead of holding onto your own assumptions and beliefs too rigidly. Embrace “connective curiosity,” which deepens your capacity to learn from — and better understand — others. When building teams, foster a culture of curiosity by resisting the temptation to hire people who will reflect your own opinions back to you. Instead, select individuals with diverse perspectives who will challenge your assumptions and narratives.

“While curiosity is almost always the right choice, it’s often not the easy one.”

Conceptualize curiosity as a ladder protruding from a swimming pool filled with water: The pool represents the “zillions of data points” you can sift through regarding any given situation. As a child, you are curious about every aspect. But as an adult, you likely pay particular attention to just a small portion of data points as you step up the first rung of the ladder, ignoring the rest. Those few data points become your “total reality.” You hastily process this information as you move toward the next rung, drawing conclusions as you move upward. Finally, at the top of the ladder, you create a story, identifying a narrative that helps you to assess the situation.

The story you tell yourself might seem pretty clear-cut. It’s your truth, and it will inform your next steps. Be wary, however, of clinging to stories based on your own “preexisting beliefs, biases, prejudices, lived experience, and assumptions.” Your personal perception is not the entire picture. Instead, as you ascend the ladder, choose curiosity by reflecting on the stories others might be telling themselves, and assess whether your story is limiting you in any way. Re-examine other people’s aims and incentives. Reconsider the situation, and think about what you might be missing.

“Make it safe” to express difficult opinions by building a culture of psychological safety.

Be aware that a skewed power dynamic will impede the flow of candid conversation. For example, if you are, say, a CEO or a high-ranking executive, your employees, who possess less power, may hesitate to be free-spoken with you. Encourage people to open up by nurturing an environment of psychological safety.

“Sometimes being asked to share, particularly in a professional context, feels less like an invitation and more like a social threat.”

Create the right conditions for sharing by building a “safety cycle,” which has the following three stages:

1. “Create connection” — Several practices can help you nurture authentic relationships. For example, ask people questions that help you better understand their life story, such as “What’s the story behind how you landed where you are today?” Be prepared to share details about your own life as well, displaying vulnerability. Don’t be hasty when building rapport. Find the appropriate time and place to build a connection, with the aim of flattening any power imbalance between you.
2. “Open up” — Be transparent about your desire to learn about others and your motivation for asking questions. For example, you might say: “I think you may come at this from a different angle than I do, which is vital for me to understand, since my perspective on this is quite limited.” Don’t be afraid to divulge your shortcomings and to show that you’re willing to learn from them.
3. “Radiate resilience” — Let people know that you can handle their genuine feedback, even if they feel awkward giving it, while displaying behavior that aligns with your words. If you react overly emotionally to feedback, you’re not creating an environment in which people can share difficult truths.

“Pose quality questions” that reflect your authentic curiosity.

Quality questions help you glean meaningful information about another person. A quality question might help you better understand another person’s mental models, thought processes, position, or conclusions on a specific issue or topic, as well as the deeper, often subconscious reasons they clutch so firmly onto their beliefs. A quality question reflects your genuine curiosity. It’s direct, straightforward, and clear. It prompts honest reflection, and it connects to the complex perspective and story of the other person, prompting deeper reflection. A quality question triggers a meaningful dialogue that’s beneficial to both parties.

“The right question, asked in the right way, is nothing short of a sacred invitation. The question is the knock on the door, an intimate request to be let into another’s interior world.”

Beware of asking “crummy questions,” which can take numerous forms:

• “Clumsy questions” — These are closed-ended, rhetorical questions or buried questions that sound more like statements (for instance, “We’ve got to raise our prices, right? All our costs are going up, and we’ve got to hold our margin steady”).
• “Sneaky questions” — These questions are designed to manipulate or convince another person to share your perspective (for example, “Don’t you think it would be better if…”).
• “Attack questions” — These questions sound offensive or critical of others (for instance, “How could you possibly believe that?”)

Crummy questions don’t elicit conversation. By contrast, a quality question encourages candid dialogue — for example, “What makes you feel that way?”; “Can you share some examples?”; and “What risks am I perhaps overlooking?”

“Listen to learn” by giving your interlocutor your full attention and presence.

Listening deeply when others are sharing with you is vital to ensuring that you truly understand their message. Listening requires presence: According to Carl Rogers, a founder of human-centered psychology, as a listener, you should be thinking “with people instead of for or about them.” Set aside your own agenda as you listen. Commit to the following intention: I will listen “without trying to fix, advise, or persuade.” Pay attention to the “three channels of listening”: the content of the message, the emotion being expressed, and the actions being alluded to — for example, is the speaker trying to convince you to support her in some tangible way?

“When we consciously remind ourselves of our intention to listen, we are more likely to think and behave in ways that align with that intention.”

Listen better to others by removing any distractions, such as your digital devices. Make a concerted effort to be silent when others are speaking, reflecting, and gathering their thoughts. Be mindful of your facial expressions and body language; attempt to convey calm, warmth, and openness. Paraphrase what you’re hearing in your own words, and share it with the speaker to test whether you’ve understood correctly. Prompt the speaker to reflect more deeply by saying, for example, “That’s so interesting — tell me more about that.” Respect boundaries when others aren’t yet ready to share or need a break, and solicit feedback on the interaction you’ve just had, checking in, for example, regarding whether the speaker found the dialogue useful.

“Reflect and reconnect” by translating your most valuable insights into action.

After a person has shared with you, decide how to act upon that information. You won’t find every tidbit people share with you useful; in fact, some could even be harmful or counterproductive if you were to take them at face value and act as the other person desired. Thus, reflection is a vital step. Start by “sifting” through the information. Document your exchange, noting down the points the person shared verbally and those they seem to be alluding to nonverbally in two columns. If any of the information you’ve heard seems “erroneous,” “unfair,” or “ridiculous,” feel free to discard it from further reflection, though you might want to enlist help from someone you support to ensure you’re making the right call (especially if what they’ve told you is something you want to report to HR).

“What makes asking empowering is that you get to decide what to do with what you hear.”

Choose the information that seems most relevant to the issue at hand, reflecting on it three times: First, reflect on how the new information impacts your own narrative about the situation; second, reflect on any next steps you should take, based on what you’ve learned; and third, reflect on whether the conversation has prompted you to explore any aspect more deeply. Ask yourself what the newly gleaned information reveals about “deeper worldviews, biases, assumptions, and ways of being.” Finally, remember to reconnect with your conversation partner, expressing gratitude for sharing with you. Note any positive qualities that you can regarding the feedback they’ve given you. Be transparent about how their words have impacted you and how they’ll inform your next steps. If you didn’t find the information useful, let them know why you won’t be taking their desired course of action or aligning with their perspective.

Mastering the Ask Approach can help you transform your career, personal life, and the world.

When you start to fine-tune the Ask Approach, you’ll begin to see difficult, challenging people as opportunities or “portals through which to gather information, test hypotheses, and deepen your understanding of the world.” On an organizational level, learning to ask the right questions and to discern what people truly mean can help you become more adaptive amid uncertainty. Both you and your organization are in a state of “perpetual beta,” which means you’re in a continuous improvement cycle, as you learn and grow based upon what you learn.

“Imagine a world in which the default was not to criticize those different from us, but to ask. How would we treat one another if we cultivated our curiosity about others, if we sought to understand their feelings, thoughts, and experiences instead of judging only what we see on the surface?”

Mastering the Ask Approach won’t just benefit you on a personal and professional level; learning to ask the right questions and deeply listen to others will also benefit the planet as a whole. Right now, humanity must navigate unprecedented global challenges that require mass coordination, such as the climate crisis. In an age of increased polarization, asking and listening humanizes other people while giving you an opportunity to reflect on what you can learn from them. Start encouraging younger generations to ask questions: They’ll need to communicate effectively to build healthy communities that can survive change and thrive during crises in the future.

About the Author

Jeff Wetzler is the co-CEO of Transcend, an education innovation organization, and a former chief learning officer at Teach For America. He’s a global management consultant and has a PhD in adult learning and leadership from Columbia University. He is a member of the Aspen Global Leadership Network and is an Edmund Hillary Fellow.