How do you manage up to a difficult boss at work (without office politics)? Lessons from Mary Abbajay’s “Managing Up”

What do you do when your boss won’t change—micromanager, absentee, nitpicker, or narcissist? A practical “Managing Up” review

Learn how to manage up with any boss type using Mary Abbajay’s “Managing Up” takeaways—adapt your style, build trust, protect your career, or leave. Keep reading for the boss-type playbook and the exact communication moves to try this week (plus the red flags that mean it’s time to transfer or resign).

Recommendation

Bosses come in all shapes, styles, and personalities. Some bosses make working for them a joy, others an abject hell. Bosses are in charge and will pretty much do as they want. You can be sure that if your boss makes you unhappy, you are the one who has to compel change. Your effort should embrace author Mary Abbajay’s sensible recommendations. Be brave, she says, work to understand your boss’s preferences and personality type, spark change, and take charge of your own career with – or around – your boss.

Take-Aways

• Bosses won’t change, so – if change is needed – employees must create it.
• “Manage up” to take charge of your career.
• Employees who manage up will become better managers themselves.
• Maintain your accountability and integrity.
• Bosses can be introverts, extroverts, or ambiverts.
• Bosses vary.
• If all else fails, quit.

Summary

Bosses won’t change, so – if change is needed – employees must create it.

People quit their jobs because of their bosses far more than they quit for any other reason. Either the boss stinks, or the employee’s relationship with the boss stinks, or both. Most of the frustrated workers walking out the door never figured out how to deal with their ornery boss. But, employees can get a handle on managing the bosses who manage them; it’s called, “managing up.”

“By learning how to effectively manage those who manage you, you put yourself in the driver’s seat and take control of your career.”

Managing up calls for learning how to become a “successful follower.” Managing up is not political or Machiavellian. Rather, it demands being aware and perceptive about your boss, and studying how he or she deals with work and the world, including you and your fellow employees.

Managing up may require deliberately changing your behavior and controlling the way you come across to your boss. It means figuring out how to get along with your boss despite his or her flaws and dealing with reality instead of dwelling on the idealized version of a boss you wish you had.

“Manage up” to take charge of your career.

Managing up means taking charge of your personal “workplace experience.” That includes developing a successful, long-term relationship with your boss.

For the sake of your career, you must work cooperatively with those above you in the chain of command. Your boss has a lot to do with the nature of your work experience and the immediate trajectory of your career. Win your boss’s trust, and good things can happen. Skulk around feeling like the victim of a bad boss, and you risk repercussions that will affect your career, at least at your current organization.

“Once I gave up the hunt for villains, I had little recourse but to take responsibility for my choices…Needless to say, this is far less satisfying than nailing villains. It also turned out to be more healing in the end. ” (Barbara Brown Taylor)

If your boss treats you poorly, accept the bitter truth that he or she is highly unlikely to change, so you must interact differently. You can’t expect to change your supervisor, but you can change how you deal with him or her to improve your situation. This strategy requires making one of these choices:

1. “Change the situation” – Almost always, this isn’t viable when it comes to a bad boss. You can’t switch your boss for someone else, and getting your supervisor fired is unlikely, at least in the short term.
2. “Leave the situation” – You can always seek a transfer or quit, and that may become necessary. However, quitting is a dramatic step that generates new problems.
3. “Accept and adapt to the situation” – This is your manage-up option and, almost always, it’s your best choice.

Employees who manage up will become better managers themselves.

Managing up almost inevitably will make you a better manager and leader when you eventually get promoted. The reason is simple: you will use the same skills to “manage down” that you are using to manage up. Thus, in a sense, a bad boss can become a catalyst for learning by showing you how to become a good boss.

“A bad or difficult boss is not an excuse for lack of effort on your part. It is your career that will suffer if you and your boss have a bad relationship.”

Despite the obvious advantages of managing up, many people almost automatically reject this strategy. Their typical objections are:

• “It’s not fair” – Having to manage up to a bad boss isn’t fair. It’s the bad bosses who should change, not the good employees. But sometimes life isn’t fair, and when having a bad boss is part of your unfairness equation, you must learn to change it or live with it.
• “My boss needs to change, not me” – True, but unlikely. You need to make the necessary changes to get along better with your dreadful boss in order to achieve your own objectives – despite the boss.
• “Giving in only reinforces your boss’s bad managerial ways” – However, resisting your boss and exhibiting animosity will not accomplish anything either.
• “It’s so phony” – Authenticity is great, but you won’t get anywhere at work if you can’t connect with your supervisor in a meaningful way.
• “You are telling me to be a patsy” – Not at all. The idea is for you to find some viable way to thrive at work even with a bad boss.

Maintain your accountability and integrity.

In the vernacular, managing up means “man up.” Whether you are male or female, this translates to taking adult accountability for your behavior, decisions, and state of mind.

“Between the dream boss and the nightmare boss lie a host of other manager experiences. Some bosses may be slightly difficult for you (like the merely annoying) and some may be more difficult for you (the utterly unbearable). Understanding where you are on the continuum can help you determine your course of action.”

To maintain your integrity while deciding what action to pursue, try these steps first.

1. “Assess your boss” – You can’t expect to manage up to a boss if you don’t know who that person is and what motivates him or her. Some questions to consider: “What is your boss’s work-style personality?” “What are his [or her] concerns, challenges, and pressures?” And, what does your boss expect from you?
2. “Assess yourself” – Take a long, hard look in the mirror. Be honest: Who is the person you see? Ask yourself, “What is my work-style personality?” “In what ways am I compatible with my boss?” “In what ways am I not?” Determine what you could do to achieve a working relationship.
3. “Assess your willingness” to manage up – Your boss will never be willing to adapt to you if you are unwilling to adapt to him or her. Are you? Ask yourself if you like your work, if you need the money, if this is the company where you want to grow and advance, and – if so – if you are willing to shift your actions and mindset.

Bosses can be introverts, extroverts, or ambiverts.

To co-exist with your boss, you must first determine if the boss, psychologically speaking, is an “Innie” (introvert), “Outie” (extrovert), or an “ambivert,” someone who displays both introverted and extroverted characteristics. Introverts and extroverts definitely need special treatment because their psychological preferences draw from a different energy “source.” Introverts and extroverts also communicate differently.

“All dualities and opposites are not disjoined but polar. They do not confront each other from afar; they originate in a common center. ” (Michael Michalko)

Given that the boss is highly unlikely to change, you need to adapt to your boss’s personal style, whatever it may be. It helps to understand the psychological traits and different behaviors and tendencies of Innies and Outies.

Outies draw energy from events that occur around them, meaning external stimuli. Extroverted bosses happily share information with their followers. They are action-oriented and routinely set up and lead meetings. They do a lot of their thinking out loud. Outie bosses give their employees space to think, decide, and work.

Introverted bosses draw energy from their personal, often closely held, thoughts and feelings, that is, from internal stimuli. Innie bosses don’t share much information. During meetings, they listen more than they speak. They may come across as aloof and inscrutable. They prefer email to phone calls and face-to-face meetings. Few of their direct reports know what they are thinking.

Outie workers get along best with Outie bosses, and Innie workers do best with Innie bosses. Because employees cannot control the type of boss they have, they must find clever ways to get along with who they have – no matter whether they buy into his or her individual psychological orientation.

To work with an Innie boss, heed these tips.

• Don’t fight against introversion – Accept it and work with it as well as you can.
• You are the one who has to make friends – Most introverted bosses won’t go out of their way to establish warm relationships with their staff members. This means you must initiate any friendly overtures.
• Innie bosses are highly reflective – They like to think carefully before they act. Therefore, provide solid background information that your introverted boss can process to be sure he or she understands all the relevant parameters that affect your work.
• Keep Innie bosses “in the loop” – Just because your Innie boss won’t bug you constantly for information on the status of your projects and activities doesn’t mean he or she isn’t interested. Bring the news.
• Avoid “pop-in meetings” – Your introverted boss probably doesn’t like impromptu encounters.

If your boss is an Outie, follow this advice.

• Listen carefully – You want to hear everything extroverted bosses tell you, even though it could be a great deal of information.
• Be nice – Demonstrate warm friendliness to your Outie boss.
• Develop a filter – Understand that everything your extroverted boss tells you won’t always be gospel. Outie bosses love to talk, but some of their information will be more relevant than the rest.
• Summarize and prioritize the message – To process the excessive verbiage an extroverted boss may offer up during a meeting, always try to “clarify and recap” all information.
• Listen attentively – Be respectful when your Outie boss is speaking. Demonstrate your enthusiasm.

Bosses vary.

Understand what makes your boss tick and proceed accordingly. Be aware that difficult bosses come in many varieties; they may be controlling, overbearing, indecisive, uncommunicative, stupid, or more.

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” (Leo Tolstoy)

These capsule portraits describe some typical bad bosses.

• The micromanager – These bosses never permit out-of-the-box thinking or problem-solving. “Do not resist.” It will get you nowhere. Stay proactive, since that reduces the micromanager’s need to micromanage. Over-inform your boss about what you’re doing.
• The “hands-off, absentee, ghost boss” – Such bosses seldom interfere, but forget about it if you need guidance about their priorities or other VIP matters. Just get your job done. Take advantage of your hands-off manager to be more creative and entrepreneurial and to make your own decisions. Set up occasional appointments with the boss to maintain sufficient contact proactively.
• The nitpicker – For this difficult boss, nothing you do is ever right. You might be highly productive day by day, but if you make even the most minor mistake, the nitpicker will never let you forget it. “Check yourself first.” If you’re the only worker the boss nitpicks, consider whether you need to improve your work. Figure out what your nitpicker boss likes and dislikes, and deliver on the likes. Make the boss’s standards your standards.
• The narcissist – Initially, narcissistic bosses may seem sociable, appealing, talented, and even charismatic. But you soon find out that they’re actually self-centered, ambitious, and intent on sucking the air out of the room in a quest for rank and attention. Narcissist bosses often rise right to the top. Demonstrate respect for your narcissistic boss, and remember that narcissists can’t tolerate disrespect. Stay on your boss’s good side to move up as well. With this boss, “sycophants survive.”
• The incompetent boss – These bosses destroy everything they touch, and they’re everywhere. Ironically, many of them seem to advance smoothly within their organization. First, look at yourself. Could it be that your boss is competent, but operates differently from you? Maybe you need to change. Demonstrate empathy. Help an incompetent boss become more competent. Work with his or her positive attributes. Be willing to wonder if perhaps you could learn something. This boss may have something good going on; after all, senior management put this individual in charge and not you.
• The “truly terrible” boss – This is “the psycho-crazy bully, tyrannical, screaming egomaniac” everybody hates. Adopt the state of mind of a survivor. Secure emotional distance. If you can, protect yourself by not becoming a target. You can’t win with a truly terrible boss, so don’t draw extra fire by trying. Keep your head down; do your work; plan your escape.

If all else fails, quit.

Sometimes, after every other stratagem fails, an unhappy worker must transfer or resign. These tell-tale signs say it’s time to leave:

• You are totally miserable at work and dread going to the office.
• Your work is making you physically ill, and you’re suffering emotional damage.
• You’re frequently frightened, stressed out, and unhappy.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” (W. C. Fields)

Leaving a horrible boss behind can be a hopeful, optimistic act. It means that surviving unhappily is no longer an acceptable choice. Thrive wherever you go next.

About the Author

President and founder of the Careerstone Group consultancy Mary Abbajay is a public speaker, organizational consultant and corporate trainer.