Nicholas Boothman’s 90-Second Secrets to Win People Over

Nicholas Boothman’s “How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less” offers a powerful toolkit for forging instant connections. This game-changing guide unveils simple yet effective techniques to captivate anyone you meet, whether in business or personal settings.

Ready to transform your social and professional life? Dive into Boothman’s proven strategies and watch your relationships flourish.

Genres

Communication Skills, Personal Development, Self Help, Psychology, Business, Relationships, Social, Leadership, Interpersonal Relations, Personal Transformation Self-Help, Social Interactions in Relationships

Boothman presents a systematic approach to making memorable first impressions in just 90 seconds. He breaks down the process into three key steps: “attitude,” “synchronization,” and “conversation.” The book emphasizes the importance of body language, tone of voice, and word choice in creating rapport. Boothman introduces the concept of “thin-slicing,” explaining how people form lasting judgments within moments of meeting someone. He provides practical exercises to improve synchronization with others, including mirroring techniques and active listening skills. The author also delves into the power of positive thinking and its impact on interpersonal interactions. Throughout the book, Boothman offers real-world examples and anecdotes to illustrate his points, making the concepts easily applicable to various situations.

Review

Boothman’s book stands out for its practicality and straightforward approach. The 90-second framework provides a clear, actionable strategy that readers can immediately implement. The author’s background in Neuro-Linguistic Programming lends credibility to his methods, though some may find certain techniques feel manipulative if not applied with genuine intent.

The book’s strength lies in its simplicity and focus on quick results. However, this same brevity can sometimes leave readers wanting more in-depth exploration of certain topics. While the techniques are broadly applicable, they may require adaptation for different cultural contexts.

Boothman’s writing style is engaging and accessible, making complex psychological concepts easy to grasp. The inclusion of exercises and practical tips enhances the book’s value as a self-improvement tool.

Overall, “How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less” offers valuable insights for anyone looking to enhance their social skills and make better first impressions. It’s particularly useful for professionals in sales, management, or any field requiring strong interpersonal abilities. While not a comprehensive guide to all aspects of communication, it provides a solid foundation for building meaningful connections quickly.

Recommendation

When you meet someone, look ’em in the eye and give ’em a firm handshake because everyone knows that making a good first impression is important. Former fashion photographer Nicholas Boothman explains why – and a whole lot more – in this fascinating look at how people make connections. Like most people, you probably establish immediate rapport with certain individuals and don’t seem to have anything in common with others. If you’ve wondered why, the author explains the components of communication and offers specific techniques you can employ to create connections quickly. The fun part is that after you’ve finished the book, you can try your newly acquired skills on just about anyone in any situation. Though some people are naturals, for most becoming a skilled conversationalist takes a lot of practice. We believe that almost everyone will find useful information and practical advice in Boothman’s book. At the very least, he gives you plenty to discuss.

Take-Aways

• You only have 90 seconds – and probably a lot less – to impress someone.
• Connecting with other people is a three-step process: “meeting,” “establishing rapport” and “communicating.”
• To make a positive connection, don’t be negative.
• You can’t be friends with everyone you meet, and that’s as it should be.
• About 55% of all communication is made up of nonverbal cues.
• People interpret the world through visual, auditory and kinesthetic stimuli. Individuals usually have one dominant sensory category.
• Crossing your arms in front of your chest during a conversation conveys a negative, self-protective message.
• Good conversationalists have excellent listening skills.
• Questions that elicit only “yes” and “no” answers are conversation killers.
• Once you know what to look for, “verbal” and “eye cues” are very obvious.

Introduction

In both our professional and personal lives, our success and happiness depend on establishing positive connections with others. In this book review, you will learn a framework for meeting new people that is based upon establishing a rapport. The tools discussed here will help you gain social confidence and, most likely, new friendships and professional connections.

Nail that one-and-only chance to make a great first impression.

READ THIS BOOK REVIEW IF YOU:

• Get nervous when meeting new people
• Have a job that depends on building relationships
• Want to make more friends

How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less (2000) is a guide to connecting, communicating and expanding your social world. These summary will teach you how to strike up a conversation with strangers and make them like you. It’ll also show you how to decode even their most subtle gestures.

Being likable is an art you can ace.

Making new friends isn’t easy. Meeting someone new almost always entails meandering small talk, awkward silences and uncomfortable eye contact. And so most of us avoid the hassle and the horror of friend-making. We stick to our group of friends and steer clear of people we don’t know.

Yet making new friends is incredibly beneficial. Not only will it expand your social circle; it will also help you develop your interpersonal skills – skills that can bring a host of benefits, both personal and professional. This book summary will teach you how to be instantly likable, and equip you with the tools to impress prospective friends in just a minute and a half.

In this summary of How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman, You’ll also discover

• how much you can learn about someone from their eye movements;
• why we like a person who leans forward; and
• why making new friends can help you live longer.

Scientific research suggests a difficult reality: People decide whether they like you or not within a few seconds of seeing, or hearing, you for the first time. This first impression will influence every thought they’ll have about you going forward.

Another difficult reality is that what other people think of you is a huge indicator of your quality of life: The opinions of others can affect you in job interviews, in your love life, and in making friends. Additionally, people who are more socially active tend to live longer.

In an age of remote communication, many of us mistakenly underestimate the value of face-to-face connection. The ability to meet and effectively connect with others has been an essential skill throughout human history, and continues to be today. In this summary, you will learn insights, based on research from the field of neuro-linguistic programming, to understand how you can make your best first impression.

The method explained in How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less involves developing a rapport in a three-part process:

1. First contact. What must you do in the first seconds of meeting someone to establish yourself as likable?
2. The 90-second “Land of Rapport.” Harness your attitude and body language to establish a positive connection.
3. The secrets of communication. Home in on sensory preferences and use them to your advantage.

Upon finishing this summary, you will have a toolbox you can take into the world to start making connections that are crucial to your success and happiness.

First Contact

You may be wondering why we are focusing on likability and not respect or intrigue, or any number of other desirable qualities. This is because the essence of likability is that others see you as approachable, trustworthy, and confident, and are drawn to you. When you present this way, it will take the burden to always initiate interactions from you, because others will want to come over and introduce themselves.

You may also think 90 seconds seems like an arbitrary amount of time. But there are two reasons for establishing this window: The first is that our lives are busy, and we don’t always have a long time to make a first impression. The second has to do with the human attention span. We are only able to focus on something we find uninteresting for about 30 seconds. The goal is to capture, then sustain, others’ attention past the moment when it might otherwise begin to wander.

First impressions

The first step in establishing a connection with another person is meeting — the moment when you are in close physical proximity and acknowledge each other. Important things to keep in mind when greeting someone include:

• Fully face the person you are meeting. This body language conveys openness.
• Establish eye contact.
• Demonstrate your positivity and sincerity with a smile.
• Take the lead in introducing yourself (with an upbeat tone) and extending your hand.
• Subtly tilt or lean toward the person to communicate your interest.

All of these actions are methods of communication that convey a message about yourself to the other person. To be your most successful, it is important to have a clear idea about what you want your message to be. Consider your goals for meeting people in particular settings and situations, and structure your approach with them in mind.

It’s key to note that the objective of these first few seconds of the interaction is to establish a rapport, a sense of comfort between you and the other person. This creates the feeling within the other person that you are worthy of their attention and that they’d like to know more about you.

The 90-Second ‘Land of Rapport’

Whether your goal in an interaction is to land a date, a business deal, or anything in between, achieving your desired outcome depends on establishing a rapport. Rapport gives you the credibility necessary to give the message you want to communicate a good chance of serious consideration.

There are three main ways through which a rapport develops: naturally, by chance, and by design. Natural rapport happens when you and another person have common opinions, interests, and/or modi operandi that serve as foundations for mutual trust. Rapport by chance occurs if a situation connects you to each other. For example, if you are traveling in a country where you don’t speak the language and you meet someone from your home nation who you can talk to, you have a good chance of developing a rapport. Finally, there is rapport by design, the focus of this summary.

To intentionally build a rapport, you want to sync yourself with the other person. An easy first step is finding shared interests or experiences. A subtler, but even more important, technique is mimicking the mannerisms, tone, vocal rhythm, and other cues of the other person.

Attitude

Whether you like it or not, your external presentation is the tray upon which your internal attitude is served to those in your company. You have little to no control over filtering a negative mood out of a conversation. This is why you must take great care to shape your internal feelings.

Have you ever kept returning to a bank or dentist or restaurant just for the customer service? When this happens, the employees at that business are keeping your loyalty with their attitudes, and you can feel and appreciate the difference.

The operative categories when it comes to structuring your attitude are useful and useless. Some examples of useful attitudes are enthusiasm, helpfulness, and patience. Useless attitudes include conceitedness, self-consciousness, and boredom. You should choose the useful attitude that will work best depending on your goals for a particular situation. For example, you would want to choose a confident approach over a laid-back one when meeting to make a business deal.

Body language

The posture and gestures of your body — including your facial expressions — account for over half of how others perceive you. You’ll want to aim for inclusive body language that will make others comfortable in your presence.

The main way we make our presence feel inclusive is through openness. For example, having your hands open when you gesture and keeping your arms uncrossed ensures that you appear open to the other person. Even unzipping your coat can make a big difference. In contrast, having your arms or legs crossed signals defensiveness. When we are nervous we often fall into these closed-off mannerisms, so you need to pay careful attention to avoid them. Facial expressions should convey interest, perhaps with a raised eyebrow or a nod here and there.

Body language, words, and tone are the three main elements of communication. Keeping these factors in alignment is foundational to establishing rapport by design. If someone says they’re doing great, but does so with a flat tone while their eyes dart around the room, you’re unlikely to believe their words, or feel you can trust them going forward. Overall, people are much more likely to believe your body language over your words when the two don’t align.

A final technique for controlling your physical presence is to slow down. The nervousness many of us experience when meeting new people can cause us to talk faster than we otherwise would. Taking deep breaths can slow down the physiology of your body and help you calm down. You can also try reframing your nervousness as excitement. Hopefully, these tools will help your unique characteristics shine through.

Synchronicity

People who spend a lot of time with each other often develop similar behaviors. As kids grow up, they receive and internalize messages and actions from their parents and others in their immediate environment. This learning process continues through your life.

This synchronicity is a natural way that humans connect with each other. It helps us feel safe and develop trust. And it’s why, when we have a choice of who to be around, we typically gravitate towards those who are already like us. But we don’t want to sit around and wait to see if synchronicity comes naturally or not.

Getting in sync needs to come from matching your visual, verbal, and vocal signals with the other person’s. Visually, for example, you might lean your head to match their posture, or use similar hand gestures. Vocally, you could emulate the tone or rhythm of their speech. And in your word choice, try to copy a turn of phrase or borrow a bit of vocabulary from the other person. You may worry that your conversation partner will notice your mimicry, but odds are they won’t. We generally don’t even consider the intricacies of our own behavior, and all of these suggestions are subtle enough not to raise any suspicion.

At first, you’ll need to go out of your way to practice synchronicity, but after a few days of steady practice, mimicking should start to feel like second nature.

The Secrets of Communication

Let’s say you’ve had a perfect introduction and started to build a solid rapport. Now you have to continue the conversation. When we think about conversation, we usually think about talking, while forgetting about its equally-important partner, listening.

It’s a great idea to get the other person talking, especially if you are nervous about meeting new people. This will take the burden off your tied-up tongue and give you a plethora of information about their interest, which you can use to build rapport. Asking insightful questions and actively listening will further enhance your ability to improve rapport.

When asking questions, you should aim to present open questions that necessitate explanations instead of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions, which can quickly stall the conversation. The obvious common ground is that you are both in the same space, so it’s safest to precede your initial questions with a statement about your surroundings, such as your reason for being there, and then present your question. For example, if you’re at a party hosted by a mutual friend, you could say, “Gary’s house has such a great view. I’m glad he had us all over to share it,” then, “How do you know Gary?”

The second key to listening is doing so actively. This means showing that you’re interested in what the other person is saying and attuned to the feelings behind their words. As discussed earlier, body language goes a long way. Demonstrate your attention by maintaining eye contact, staying leaned slightly forward, and nodding your head when appropriate. You can also use encouraging sounds or phrases, like “hmm,” or “no way!”

Hopefully your conversation will develop a balanced back-and-forth as you build trust. During your conversation, be mindful of some common pitfalls:

• Don’t interrupt your conversation partner.
• Don’t finish their sentences for them. Only they know what they’re going to say next.
• Don’t complain or criticize in this initial conversation.
• Don’t forget to attend to hygiene, especially oral hygiene. No bad breath or spinach between your teeth!
• Avoid one-word answers. They are boring and stall the conversation.

Sensory preferences

Our senses are the means through we perceive the world. But every person has distinct sensory preferences which determine how they interpret their surroundings. The three main sensory types are visual, auditory, and kinesthetic.

You can determine someone’s sensory preference in the way they speak, such as when describing a place or event. Visual people paint pictures with their words; auditory people focus on describing sounds; and those with kinesthetic preferences emphasize physical sensations. When you have the same sensory preferences as another person, it is easier to establish rapport because of similarities in how you both understand the world.

We can also use our knowledge about sensory preferences to intentionally build synchronicity with a conversation partner. If you can determine what sense the other person primarily prefers, you can start to integrate it into your behavior, which will help them feel at ease.

Building your intuition of sensory preferences

These profiles will help support you as you learn how to read your conversation partners:

• Visual people typically talk fast and gesture a lot. They are often the kind of people who will pull out their phone to show you pictures from their vacation, their pets, or their kids. They tend to dress well and maintain good posture. Consider their line of work as well: If they are visual artists of any sort, this is likely where their sensory preference lies.
• Kinesthetics talk slowly, using easy-going tones and gestures. They tend to add many details to their stories because they want you to be able to “feel” like you were there. They may work in fields such as medicine, construction, emergency services, or performance.
• Auditories tend toward a medium speaking pace. They often speak with a high level of expression and rhythm. Their line of work may include a lot of speaking, such as teaching, broadcasting, counseling, or law.

Once you’re able to determine someone’s sensory preference, you’ll want to use that knowledge toward building rapport. Here are some words you can use that will particularly connect to each type of person.

• Visual words are words that help us build mental images. Some visual phrases are: “Let me make this clear”; “Beyond the shadow of a doubt”; and “I see what you’re saying.”
• Auditory words describe how the world sounds, and many are descriptions of tones in speech. They include: inquire, scream, resonate, utter, harmonize, and boom. Examples of visual phrases are: “Let me tell you”; “Sounds familiar”; and “That rings a bell.”
• Kinesthetic words pertain to touch, action, and physical sensation, such as: firm or soft; push or pull; squeeze or release; hot or cold; and throw or catch. Phrases that kinesthetic people may often use are: “I’ll get in touch”; “I’m feeling the pressure”; and “I can’t put my finger on it.”

Sometimes you’ll be unable to determine someone’s sensory preference. In that case, do your best to cover the bases by including phrases that connect to all three major senses. Even when you can’t home in on another person’s preference, your dedication means that you are paying careful attention to the conversation, which is a positive outcome in itself.

Bonding with others will make you healthier and more successful.

Ever since first cohabitating on the plains of Africa, we Homo sapiens have understood the benefits of living in communities. Back then, early humans would come together to hunt and cook; they knew that, as a group, they stood a much better chance of surviving than they would if each individual had to fend for him- or herself.

This profound desire to connect and bond with others is still with us.

Whether it’s at cocktail parties, town-hall meetings or Star Trek conventions, we simply love the chance to meet and be around others. It’s a universal human trait. And, in addition to being written into our very nature, bonding with people is actually incredibly beneficial to our health and well-being.

Those of us who are good at connecting with others stand a better chance of living a long life. One study by Dr. Lisa Berkman of the Harvard School of Health Sciences observed a group of 7,000 people over nine years. Her results showed that those who lacked quality social or community connections were three times more likely to die of a medical illness than those who had strong social ties.

But a longer lifespan isn’t the only benefit of continuously making new friends. It’s also essential for success.

Whatever we dream of in life, whether it’s a great job, a new partner or a ticket for that sold-out Broadway show, you’ll stand a much better chance of finding it if you have a wide social network to help you. You’ll hear about job openings from former colleagues; friends will set you up on blind dates; and, who knows, an acquaintance may well be selling exactly the ticket you’re looking to buy.

Okay, so the benefits of bonding are clear. But that doesn’t mean connecting with others is easy. In fact, it can be pretty hard to connect with new people, especially if you don’t have any shared interests. What’s more, whenever you meet someone, you only have around 90 seconds to make an impression. If you don’t spark the person’s interest in that time, it’s highly probable that you’ll never spark it.

Luckily, it’s possible to kindle connection in under 90 seconds. In the following book summary, you’ll learn the essential skills and hacks that will enable you to do this.

When you first meet someone, pay attention to your body language, eyes and facial expression.

You now know that the first few moments you spend with a new person are crucial to forming a connection, but did you also know that people start forming a first impression of you before you even open your mouth?

The first things a person will notice about you are your body, your eyes and the expression on your face, and it’s essential for all three of these elements to transmit a feeling of openness.

Start with your body. To display openness to someone, you must position your body with your heart aimed directly toward them; this will communicate sincerity, full commitment to the conversation and a readiness to connect.

Next, look directly into their eyes. Direct eye contact is a great way to establish trust, making it an essential element of any successful first encounter.

Finally, be sure you’re the first one to smile. Let your positive attitude shine through your bright grin. The other person will subconsciously understand that you’re sincere and open.

After you’ve set this warm and welcoming mood for the encounter, break the ice by introducing yourself. Don’t overthink it. Just offer a standard greeting like “hi” or “hello” in a pleasant tone. Then tell the person your first name and encourage them to introduce themselves as well. Once they do so, immediately repeat their name to ensure it sticks in your memory: “Brenda. Nice to meet you, Brenda!”

Finally, lean slightly toward the other person to subtly indicate interest and openness. As you perform this slight lean in, you can either combine it with a firm and respectful handshake or use the hands-free technique in which you leave your hands by your sides.

In order to establish a good rapport with others, you must develop the right attitude.

When it comes to establishing a natural rapport with someone, nothing beats talking about shared interests. For obvious reasons, you’re more likely to hit it off with someone who supports the same sports team or reads similar books. But what do you do when no such common ground exists?

Well, in such cases you need to establish rapport by design.

There are several ways to do this, which we’ll cover in the next couple of book summary, but the prerequisite for all of them is having the right attitude: you can either have a useful attitude or a useless attitude.

A useful attitude means you’re focused on what you want out of the conversation, while a useless one is focused on what you don’t.

If you display a useful attitude, you will automatically show the positive body language and facial expressions that will make you more likable. On the other hand, having a useless attitude will leave you with passive or negative body language that puts people off.

So, if you want to improve your rapport with others, it’s best to adopt a useful attitude. But how exactly should you do this?

A useful attitude begins with deciding what you want from each conversation. Therefore, when beginning a conversation, consider your end goal and the approach that will help you reach it efficiently.

For instance, say you’re going home for the holidays, and your flight is cancelled. If you have a useless attitude, you’ll be focused on the fact that you don’t want to be stuck at the airport. This may lead to your shouting at the airline staff about how urgently you need a replacement flight.

However, if you adopt a useful attitude, you’ll concentrate on your desire to find someone who can help you get another flight. All that screaming and shouting won’t get you the assistance you need, but being open and likeable to a member of the staff might. In short, by focusing on a desired positive outcome from the conversation, you’ll automatically adopt the body language and smile that will endear you to those who can actually help you get another flight.

To be likable and credible to others, display open and consistent body language.

As you’ve learned, a useful attitude is the foundation for effective body language. But what exactly is effective body language?

Generally speaking, body language can be divided into two categories: open and closed.

Open body language exposes your heart and body, signaling to others that you are not only willing to communicate, but enthusiastic about it. As a result, when two people begin a conversation with their hearts facing one another, they form a powerful connection and mutual trust is likely to increase.

On the other hand, closed body language protects the heart through gestures that express resistance, frustration, impatience and nervousness. Crossed arms are one of the most common instances of defensive body language, as crossing one’s arms protect the heart and therefore one’s feelings. Turning your body sideways relative to your conversation partner can also evoke a similar feeling.

And body language isn’t just about your body. It’s also your facial expressions, which can be open or closed as well. For example, an open face smiles, makes eye contact and displays clear expressions such as raised eyebrows, while a closed face looks stern and avoids eye contact.

Another key to ensuring that people like and trust you is displaying a consistent and congruous message across your whole body, as inconsistencies will bother people.

According to former UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian, a prominent figure in the field of communication, credibility depends on the congruity of three communicative aspects: the vocal, the verbal and the visual.

In other words, what you say, how you say it and the signals your body sends while you’re saying it all need to be aligned. If they’re not, the other person won’t feel you’re being honest, and both of you will feel unpleasant. Just think of a friend telling you that he’s “fine” while he looks away with crossed arms and taps his foot. It’s not hard to tell that he doesn’t seem fine, which robs his words of their credibility and creates awkwardness.

Mirroring mannerisms is natural and can help you make people feel relaxed in your presence.

Mimicking others is a fundamentally human trait. In fact, even if you don’t realize it, you’ve been synchronizing yourself with other people since the day you were born: a baby’s body rhythm is literally synchronized with that of its mother.

And this tendency to synchronize continues later in life. For instance, an adult’s taste in clothes will often be influenced by that of his or her partner’s.

But why does this happen? Does it mean everyone is just a copycat?

Actually, it’s completely natural to adapt to others. For instance, when someone smiles at you, you immediately feel a desire to smile back. Similarly, when someone yawns, it makes you want to yawn. And if you’ve ever seen a boxer get punched in the stomach, you know that it makes you feel like wincing in pain, too.

This synchronization is a major part of our lives and is especially important when it comes to building rapport. After all, we do seem to prefer people who are in synch with us. We typically feel best when in the company of people whose behavior is in sync with our own, and studies have shown that we even tend to hire and even date people that look like us.

But what exactly is meant by synchronization when it comes to increasing your likeability? Specifically, it refers to discreetly copying and subtly imitating the gestures of your conversation partner, as well as their body posture, facial expressions, breathing and tone of voice.

Synchronization is especially important for salespeople because a mismatch in communication styles can kill a sales pitch. Imagine a quiet man who’s respectfully and silently perusing an art gallery being accosted by an aggressive salesperson, who stands way too close to him, grabs his shoulder and gregariously praises the pictures. It’s safe to say the salesperson would be better off matching the patron’s own quiet demeanor and respectful manner.

Synchronizing your voice with that of your conversation partner is also a particularly powerful tool, especially if your interlocutor speaks in a quiet voice and you tend to be louder. Simply lowering your own voice will help put your partner at ease; he’ll feel more comfortable speaking with someone who shares his same gentle tone.

The key to good conversation is asking the right questions and knowing how to listen.

Up until this point, you’ve learned a lot about how to make someone feel comfortable in your presence through the right visual cues and intonation, but obviously the content of what you say is also vital to making a good impression. So how do you get a chat going in the right direction?

Well, questions are perfect for starting conversations, and they come in two forms: those that open people up and those that close them down.

Let’s start with open questions, which invite other people to talk. Say you’re at a restaurant and decide to strike up a light conversation with a stranger. You might say something like “What a lovely restaurant” and then ask, “Where do you think the chef is from?”

The key is to use conversation-generating words like “Who,” “When,” “What,” “Where,” “How” and “Why” to request an explanation or opinion from your interlocutor.

Closed questions, on the other hand, encourage a yes or no response and are formed with phrases like “Are you…,” “Have you…” and “Do you….” If you ask someone a closed question – for instance, “Do you come here often?” – you’ll be lucky to receive more than a simple affirmative or negative in return.

So it’s best to stick with open questions to keep the conversation flowing.

However, asking the right questions is only half the conversation game. The other half is active listening, meaning not just listening to the words coming out of the other person’s mouth, but paying attention to that person’s feelings and emotions as well. So how do you do this?

Well, you’ve got to listen with much more than just your ears. Use ample eye contact (but don’t stare), listen with your body by facing your heart toward the speaker, lean in and nod your head when you agree with what is being said.

And when you want to say something, remember, first, not to interrupt the other person and, second, to enthusiastically respond to what’s been said. For example, if your conversation partner says, “I really like living in Chicago, but my husband got a promotion and we might move to Miami,” you could say, “Wow, that seems like a huge and stressful decision. How are you going to decide where to live?”

Understand what sense your conversation partner prefers and adapt your style accordingly.

In 1970, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the founders of the approach to communication known as neuro-linguistic programming, or NLP, realized that people perceive the world by filtering stimuli via one of three different senses: visual, auditory or kinesthetic.

Naturally, all people use a mix of these three senses as they go about their life, but one always dominates, and knowing which is prevalent in your conversation partner can greatly affect your rapport.

People who are predominantly visual care a lot about how things look. They generally tend to think in images, and they probably dress sharply and talk very fast. These people like to use expressions like “How do you see yourself? or “I see what you’re saying.”

Auditory people love conversation, have fluid, melodic, expressive voices and enjoy the spoken word as well as sounds in general. As a result, they gravitate toward careers in broadcasting, teaching and the law. They tend to say things like, “Sounds familiar,” “Tell me more” and “I didn’t like the tone of his voice.”

Finally, kinesthetic-focused people like solid things that they can feel. They have lower voices, like textured clothing and tend to speak very slowly. Often, they’ll use expressions like “How do you feel about . . . ?” and “I’ll get in touch with her.”

By matching your responses to a person’s dominant sense, you can make that person like you more. For example, a visual person is more likely to like you if you speak as quickly as she does or if you dress nicely. Someone with an auditory focus will prefer it if you speak very clearly and use a pleasant tone of voice, and those with kinesthetic sensibilities will prefer it if you match their tone of voice and speak quietly and sensitively.

So how can you tell which type of learner someone is? Just watch how they move their eyes. For instance, if you ask someone what he liked most about his vacation, a visual person will tend to look up to the left or right as if he’s seeing the answer, an auditory person will look left or right (toward his ears) and a kinesthetic person will look down to either side, toward his hands and body.

In other words, if you’re unsure how best to communicate with someone, just look at their eyes. By doing so, you’ll learn which sense that person favors and will know how to adapt your conversational style accordingly.

Summary

Getting to Know You

Unless you live alone on a remote island, your daily interaction with people defines your existence. You depend on other human beings, from your parents, to the postal worker and the kid who delivers your morning paper. People seek out physical, social and emotional connections through their families and communities. Babies cannot thrive if they aren’t held; adults who live in isolation are more likely to have medical problems.

“No matter what you do or where you live…your attitude determines the quality of your relationships – not to mention just about everything else in your life.”

Establishing a connection is easy when you meet pleasant people who are responsive, gracious, warm and interesting. Such qualities, the traits that make people immediately likeable and approachable, are clear within the first 90 seconds you are together. That’s all the time you really have to form a bond. If you understand the dynamics of connecting, you can apply the formula to any situation.

“Making connections is what our gray matter does best.”

The three essential components of connecting are:

• “Meeting” – A strong first impression is essential. Your body language should convey openness. Turn your heart toward people and don’t cross your arms. Establish eye contact, smile and introduce yourself. Extend your arm and offer a firm handshake. Don’t underestimate the importance of doing this well; a handshake that is too strong or too weak can sabotage the connection on the spot. Even without shaking hands, you can emit positive energy.
• “Establishing rapport” – Rapport occurs when two people are on the same wavelength, feel comfortable with each other, and share a sense of humor or empathy. Their conversation becomes an effortless, easy, friendly banter with a high “likeability” factor.
• “Communicating” – Are you successfully transmitting and receiving the information you want? Is feedback helping you or is it merely a source of frustration? Your ability to restate or reframe messages will determine whether you get the results you seek.

The Magic Ingredient

Most people know rapport when they experience it, though defining it may be difficult. Rapport is the unexplainable familiarity you feel after chatting with a stranger for only a few minutes. It is also the foundation of long-term relationships built on mutual interests and trust. Rapport often occurs during random encounters, but you can orchestrate it.

“All relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on congruence.”

Some techniques that can help facilitate rapport include:

• Attitude – When you send out negative “vibes,” expect the same in return. A waiter will be more receptive to your requests if you are courteous and soft-spoken rather than loud and demanding. Being belligerent probably won’t get you out of paying a speeding ticket, but being courteous might. Attitude determines whether people cooperate with you or resist. A positive attitude sets the stage for a positive result.
• Body language – Facial expressions and posture have an immediate impact. If you cross your arms in front of your chest – even if you’re freezing – you are making an unfriendly, closed gesture. Always face people and “open your heart.” Unbutton your jacket, smile and make eye contact. Show interest – even if you are merely practicing your technique.
• Alignment – A famous study done 40 years ago found that 55% of communication is based on visual perception. Moreover, the visual and auditory cues you send must be congruous or you’ll short-circuit communication. For example, if you tell an employee that he has plenty of time to finish collating papers for a meeting while looming over his desk with your arms tightly crossed and your jaw clenched, you are giving him a mixed message. He will take his cue from your body language, not your words.
• Naturalness – To make a positive impression, keep your cool even when your insides are doing somersaults. Meeting new people is nerve-wracking, particularly if you have a lot riding on a potential relationship. Jitters can make you talk, smile or joke too much. Accept the fact that you are excited, control your breathing and allow your natural qualities to shine.

Get in Sync

People with shared interests enjoy one another’s company. You can base friendships on rooting for the same sports teams, dining together at gourmet restaurants or watching foreign films. People are automatically drawn to one another for hundreds of reasons. You may like someone because he or she has an optimistic outlook on life or speaks candidly. You can tell just by observing people which duos are in sync; some couples even walk alike and use identical hand gestures.

“Likeability has something to do with how you look but a lot more to do with how you make people feel.”

You can’t count on connecting immediately with a stranger when you only have 90 seconds to create a good rapport, but you can establish commonality quickly if you learn the “art of synchronizing” – subtly mirroring the other person’s gestures, tone of voice and body language. Although this sounds artificial and manipulative, the process actually occurs quite naturally. With a man who is demonstrative and waves his arms, do the same, but be careful not to give the impression that you are blatantly copying him. If you talk to a woman who stands with her weight shifted to one leg or with her hands on her hips, do so, too. People won’t pick up on your actions, but they will start to feel a connection with you.

“The prize, when you achieve rapport, is the other person’s positive acceptance.”

Try also to match other people’s speech patterns, inflections and modulations. People who speak softly and deliberately will be more comfortable in low-key conversations. Keep this in mind especially if you have an exuberant personality, and might overpower and intimidate others. Practice synchronization in your daily interactions and it will soon become part of your life.

Talking a Good Game

Sharp reporters understand the importance of asking solid questions. Interviewing people is a lot like engaging in productive conversations. If you are not genuinely interested in someone, you probably will not establish a strong rapport. Good conversationalists want to hear what the other person has to say. Bad conversationalists are merely interested in hearing themselves talk.

“Synchronizing is a way to make the other person become open, relaxed and happy to be with you.”

Unless you are looking for specific information (“Is the chicken parmigiana here any good?”) avoid asking questions that elicit only “yes” and “no” replies. “Why” or “what” questions spark and sustain conversations much more effectively. Of course, you have to determine if the individual sitting next to you on the train, for example, is interested in conversing in the first place. If the person meets your innocuous opening line (“Hi, my name is Steve”) with silence and closed body language, you may be out of luck. But if the person smiles and also introduces him- or herself, you have taken the first step toward a pleasant exchange.

“Active listening is an active attempt to grasp and understand the facts and the underlying feelings of what is being said.”

Conversation involves much more than words. Nonverbal cues are significant. Talking to someone while your eyes dart around the room indicates that you are not really interested in the dialogue. Conversation requires paying attention to what someone is saying and facilitating a healthy give-and-take exchange. Allow other people to finish their thoughts. If you pontificate or dominate the conversation, they’ll find you extraordinarily boring. Be upbeat and energetic. No one wants to hear complaints or criticisms.

A Matter of Perspective

Your interpretation of the world depends upon how your brain processes information through your senses. According to Richard Bandler and John Grinder, founders of neuro-linguistic programming, human beings fall into three of the five sensory categories: “visual, auditory and kinesthetic.” Although compartmentalizing people generally doesn’t work, most individuals have a “sensory preference.” This helps explain why three people who see the same movie can have three distinct impressions:

• A visual person might notice the film’s unique special effects.
• An auditory person might be aware of hearing thunder in the movie’s soundtrack.
• The kinesthetic person might have felt a sense of tension in the audience.

“There’s nothing quite so disconcerting as talking to someone who is looking elsewhere. If this happens to you, excuse yourself as fast as possible.”

Approximately 55% of people are predominantly visual, 15% are auditory and 30% are kinesthetic. If you understand these three sensory categories, and practice identifying their characteristics and recognizing people’s subtle cues, you can make connections faster and more effectively:

• “Visuals” – Appearance means a lot to visual people. They tend to dress well, be carefully groomed and prefer attractive surroundings. Visual people know where they are headed and, therefore, are typically decisive. They may speak rapidly and often like to be in control.
• “Auditories” – These individuals love language and enthusiastically engage in conversations they find interesting. Auditory people have pleasant, persuasive voices, and are most comfortable working in professions that make use of words and sounds.
• “Kinesthetics” – Kinesthetic people speak deliberately, focus on feelings and may make their points in a roundabout way. They are less demonstrative than visual or auditory people, and often enjoy working with their hands.

Tune into Cues

If you take the time to look and listen carefully, you can learn to discern differences in the three sensory categories:

• Visual people use sight-related phrases, such as, “That’s a brilliant idea,” “This is my vision for the future” or “He’s a very colorful performer.”
• Auditory types refer to sound and might say, “That suit you’re wearing is really loud,” “The silence in this room is deafening” or “All that child does is whine.”
• Kinesthetic folks put things in physical terms, saying, “I’m feeling very unsettled,” “Your comments really stung” or “My boss really threw me for a loop.”

“The fact is that we like people who are like us.”

Listen carefully to how people express themselves and try to pick out the visual language. The next day, focus solely on isolating auditory words. Then devote a day to recognizing kinesthetic words and phrases. As you become more proficient at this, you’ll strengthen your ability to build rapport.

“People who connect live longer; people who connect get cooperation; and people who connect feel safe and strong.”

According to Bandler and Grinder, eye movements also indicate how people retrieve information. In fact, processing thoughts without moving your eyes is virtually impossible. When people are asked to remember something, they tend to look to the left. When they look to the right, they are trying to “construct” and relive an experience. Do not confuse these movements with how you move your eyes when you survey a room.

Expect the Best

People who seem to establish rapport effortlessly are fortunate “natural” communicators who don’t give the process a second thought. They instinctively understand the importance of making eye contact, not dominating the conversation and absorbing what the other person is trying to say. They know that attitude is everything; you can’t expect a positive outcome if you have a negative approach.

“People who know what they want tend to get it because they are focused and positive, and this is reflected outward and inward in their attitude.”

Maybe you once had a self-defeated point of view and didn’t believe that you were capable of getting along with people – particularly strangers – even those who you really wanted to get to know better. To cure that faulty thinking, rewire your brain by being conscious of your approach.

Don’t let your imagination run wild. Assume that your encounters are going to be positive. Rejection is an important part of anyone’s educational journey through life. It may be inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be devastating. You won’t hit it off with everyone, but that’s perfectly alright.

“Successful communicators don’t go out into the world every day loaded up with skills and techniques; they go out and take what they do for granted.”

Remember, human beings want to connect. They function best in communities, drawing strength and comfort from one another. When you’re ready to apply the lessons you’ve learned about synchronization, rapport and sensory perception, you’ll see that making people like you isn’t difficult at all.

Conclusion

Mastering the skills laid out in this summary may seem daunting at first, but you might find comfort in the fact that they will all come naturally if you put in just a little practice. This is best approached by working on a few skills at a time, building a reliable toolbox as you go.

One final lesson: Confidence goes a long way. Instead of anxiously looking for signs that your interaction is going poorly, assume the best. Suspect that you can trust the other person, that they like you, and that you’ll be able to get in sync with them — until proven otherwise. This positive mindset will benefit your perceived demeanor during a first meeting, and will certainly help you make a great first impression.

The key message in this book:

Endearing yourself to a new acquaintance begins from the moment the two of you meet. The way another person feels around you in the first meeting is key to your likability, which is why it’s essential to adopt a genuinely open attitude and willingness to connect. But remember, speed is of the essence. If you don’t get someone to like you within the first 90 seconds, you’ll probably never click.

Actionable advice: Control the tone of your voice with this simple exercise.

Say you notice that your conversation partner speaks in a calm and relaxed tone, but you tend to talk a mile a minute. To bring yourself down to your interlocutor’s level, try some belly breathing: focus on breathing into your abdomen, rather than your chest. Pretty soon your breathing will slow down – and your speaking pace will, too.

About the author

Nicholas Boothman is a former fashion and advertising photographer who has spent the last two decades studying how people connect and communicate. He is an expert in neuro-linguistic programming.

Table of Contents

Part One: First Contact
1. People Power
2. First Impressions

Part Two: The 90-Second Land of Rapport
3. “There’s Something About This Person I Really Like!”
4. Attitude Is Everything
5. Actions Do Speak Louder Than Words
6. People Like People Like Themselves

Part Three: The Secrets of Communication
7. It’s Not All Talk—It’s Listening, Too
8. Making Sense of Our Senses
9. Spotting Sensory Preferences
10. Putting It All Together