Summary: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Choice by Marilee Adams

Key Takeaways

Do you want to learn how to change your questions and change your life? In this article, we will summarize and review the book Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Choice by Marilee Adams, a leading expert on Question Thinking.
If you are interested in learning more about the book and how it can help you improve your thinking and communication skills, read on to find out how Ben Knight transformed his career and marriage with the help of Question Thinking.

Change Your Questions, Change Your Life (2009) shows how the queries you pose can reshape your thinking and outcomes. Delve deep into the transformative power of inquiry to shift from a judgmental mindset to a learning stance. Through compelling stories and actionable insights, you’ll discover the art of asking the right questions, sparking both personal growth and profound connections.

Summary: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Choice by Marilee Adams

Recommendation

Marilee G. Adams found that she could generate positive changes in her behavior and productivity by changing the defensive questions that she previously asked in the face of adversity. Analyzing those protective questions showed her that she took setbacks and criticism too personally. Asking different questions enabled her to reframe each moment and create growth opportunities. Adams illustrates the problem-solving power of honest curiosity. Her “QuestionThinking” method generates practical ways to change your mind, literally. These are great ideas; however, their repetition within a fictional storyline may annoy some readers, while others may like this allegorical approach to telling the tale. The self-questioning techniques are easy to employ, and will help you examine situations from different points of view, which can come in quite handy. We recommends adding this set of tools to your interpersonal communication toolkit.

Take-Aways

You routinely ask yourself questions in response to events in life, though you’re generally unaware of them.
Sometimes the questions you ask yourself lead to stagnation, because you are using a “Judger mindset.” Try to have a “Learner outlook,” instead.
When you act as a judger, you blame others instead of trying to solve problems.
Learners deal with problems positively, they ask open, information-gathering questions.
In the learner mode, you use questions to probe your dilemma gently without bias.
Learner questions lead to greater cooperation from others.
“Switcher” queries help change your perspective from “judgmental” to inquisitive.
Observe your own behavior more objectively to detour from the judger path and change to the learning mode.
To some extent, you never will be entirely free of judgments. But you can minimize judger behavior in favor of learner patterns.
On what basis are you making your judgments? What do those around you want and need? Is there a different way to look at your situation?

Introduction: Enhanced communication, deeper connections, and better conflict navigation

Have you ever found yourself in a heated conversation, instantly defensive, wondering why every discussion seems like a battle? Or perhaps there have been moments when you felt disconnected, even from those you hold dear, struggling to genuinely understand or be understood. At the core of our interactions, both personal and professional, is a series of choices: How do we approach others? How do we react? And, most importantly, how do we question and listen?

In this summary, we delve into a transformative journey that explores the intricacies of human interactions. You’ll get a glimpse into the lives of Ben, Grace, and others, understanding the pivotal role our mindset and our questions play in shaping the quality of our relationships. By the end of this exploration, you’ll not only be equipped to foster healthier and more meaningful connections, but you’ll also be better at navigating challenges, enhancing communication, and cultivating an environment of mutual respect and understanding. Let’s embark on this enlightening journey together.

Reshape your world by asking the right questions

Imagine navigating through life constantly critical, suspicious, or even dismissive. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? That’s precisely the world of someone trapped in a judger mindset. But here’s the good news: there’s a more open, receptive way of approaching life and its challenges. Let’s dive in to understand the art of switching from being judgmental to being curious, exploring it through the lives of Ben, Joseph, and Grace.

You see, our emotions play a colossal role in how we react to situations. Ben, our protagonist, has one such revealing conversation with Joseph, where he talks about the judger hijack. It’s that instant where a comment, a situation, or even a glance can make us go into defensive mode. We’ve all been there: that sharp retort, that hasty decision made in a fit of anger. But Joseph throws in a golden nugget: while it’s human to occasionally fall prey to the judger hijack, it’s essential to catch ourselves and redirect our thoughts.

Now, it’s easy to mistake being judgmental with exercising judgment. Here’s the catch: the former is about fault-finding, while the latter aids in decision-making. Think about a time you might have jumped to conclusions about someone’s character, instead of understanding their actions. It can strain communication, muddle our relationships, and more so, box us into a constant loop of negativity.

So, how does this relate to you? Enter the choice map. The choice map is a mental guide Ben discovers, designed to help individuals navigate their reactions. Picture it as a roadmap that highlights two routes: one leading to the stormy domain of the judger and another steering toward the serene lands of the learner. This map encourages self-awareness, helping individuals identify which path their thoughts are heading down. For example, instead of asking “Why can’t they do anything right?”, the map prompts a shift toward learner-oriented queries like “How can I assist them to thrive?”. Such a subtle change in questioning can immensely transform relationships and nurture mutual understanding.

Imagine bringing this into your daily interactions. Ben started seeing the ripples of this change with his wife, Grace, when their discussions moved from blame games to constructive conversations. Grace, too, resonated with this new approach, embracing the choice map’s principles both at home and at work. Picture the relationships you could mend, the arguments you could avoid, and the bridges you could build by simply altering the nature of your questions.

If there’s one thing to take away here, it’s this: our questions shape our world. They can confine us in judgment or liberate us with curiosity. The choice, as Ben and Grace discovered, truly is in our hands. So next time you find yourself on the verge of a judger hijack, pause and ask yourself: “What’s a more open-minded question I can pose?”. The journey from judgment to curiosity begins with just that.

The art of purposeful questioning

Imagine walking into a room full of people with different perspectives, ideas, and solutions. Now, instead of trying to impose your views or even find a single solution, you aim to unearth as many questions as possible. That’s the essence of Q-storming – a practice designed to cultivate innovation, harmonize disagreements, and foster collaboration, all by harnessing the power of purposeful questioning.

So, what exactly is Q-storming? Well, think of it as brainstorming’s evolved cousin. Instead of aiming for answers, the objective in Q-storming is to generate as many novel questions as possible. These questions, often framed in the first person like “How can I…” or “What if we…”, are designed to clarify objectives, identify underlying assumptions, and spark fresh perspectives. In essence, Q-storming is about paving the way for innovation and deeper understanding through the art of questioning.

Imagine you’re having a clash with a coworker, and your default approach is to assume their intentions and build a defense. But what if instead, you paused and thought: “What assumptions am I making? How else might I think about this? And crucially, what is the other person genuinely feeling or wanting?” Such introspection, as our Ben discovered, can dramatically shift the tone of interactions, leading to more constructive dialogues.

But it’s not only in the workplace that this method works wonders. Remember the deep and powerful conversation between Ben and his wife, Grace? By earnestly asking what the other person needed, by genuinely wanting to understand, both were able to mend their relationship. This profound realization, that the techniques he employed at work could heal personal relationships, was a game-changer for Ben.

So, what does this mean for you? When faced with a challenge, instead of jumping to solutions or assumptions, take a moment to question. Ask yourself, your team, or your partner, “What haven’t we considered? What new perspectives could we explore?” By placing value on the art of questioning, you’re not only inviting innovation but also forging stronger, more understanding bonds.

Listening’s profound impact on leadership and life

Let’s now dive into the heart of deep listening. Deep listening isn’t just about hearing the words spoken – it’s about truly understanding and engaging with them. It’s about immersing yourself in the conversation, seeking to genuinely understand the underlying feelings, thoughts, and intentions.

Picture this: Sarah, a manager in a busy tech company, was often overwhelmed by the countless meetings and tasks she had to oversee daily. She would nod in agreement during meetings but would often miss the essence of discussions. It was only when she started practicing deep listening that she began to truly connect with her team. She did this by focusing intently, shutting out distractions, and being present. By doing so, Sarah discovered she could unlock more profound insights, foster trust, and even find innovative solutions to problems. This is the heart of deep listening. And by being curious and asking open-ended questions, she cultivated a more collaborative and innovative team environment.

So, what does this mean for you? For starters, to truly lead through deep listening, you must first shut out distractions. In an era of constant notifications, this means putting away your devices during important conversations and ensuring you’re fully present. This simple act can transform the quality of your interactions.

Additionally, remember to cultivate your curiosity. Instead of providing answers, ask more questions. When you allow yourself to wonder and probe deeper, you foster an environment of creativity and collaboration. Just as Sarah discovered, by encouraging her team to share their thoughts and feelings openly, they collaboratively found more innovative solutions.

Sarah’s journey mirrors Ben’s journey. They both shifted from a judgmental mindset to embracing the power of questions, not just as a form of inquiry, but as a foundation for innovation and growth. Like Sarah, Ben learned that being a leader isn’t about having all the answers, but about asking the right questions and listening deeply to the answers. It’s about fostering an environment where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued.

At the end of the day, to truly thrive in leadership and in life, it’s essential to listen not just with our ears, but with our hearts and minds. This is the pathway to deeper understanding, more meaningful connections, and a more enriched, collaborative environment. So next time you’re in a conversation, pause, listen deeply, and let the power of understanding unleash its magic. And remember that by embracing deep listening, you’ll not only be empowering those around you but also setting the foundation for transformative leadership. It’s a journey of genuine connection, fostering a culture of trust and mutual respect, where every voice is not just heard but truly valued.

Strengthening bonds one question at a time

Building strong relationships at home, especially with those we hold dear, is perhaps the most fundamental aspect of a fulfilling life. We’ve traveled through an insightful journey, discovering how to shift mindsets, ask empowering questions, and deeply listen. Now, let’s take these principles and see how they can profoundly impact our intimate relationships.

Imagine coming home late from work, stressed and anxious. This was a reality for Ben. On one such evening, rather than finding an irate wife, he found Grace deeply concerned. She prompted him to open up with a simple yet profound question, “What do you need right now?” Grace’s approach didn’t come out of thin air. She had been influenced by the choice map Ben had been exploring, that mental guide that was steering him toward a learner mindset. This simple tool began to reshape their interactions.

What does this mean for you? When engaging with loved ones, instead of jumping to conclusions or letting emotions guide the interaction, pause and ask a genuine, open-ended question. This small change can make a significant difference in understanding and connecting with those around you.

Our actions, as depicted through Grace and Ben’s experiences, stem from the questions we pose to ourselves. It’s a clear indicator that the foundation of our behavior lies in our self-inquiry. But how does one practice effective self-inquiry? It begins by cultivating a habit of introspection. For instance, instead of simply reacting when feelings of anger or frustration arise, pause for a moment. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?”, “What triggered this emotion?”, or “Is there an underlying belief or assumption I need to address?”. Such questions allow us to reflect on our emotional responses, uncovering deeper insights about our triggers and patterns.

If you’re looking to adopt this practice in your daily life, start by dedicating a few minutes each evening to reflect on the day’s events. Ask questions like, “What did I learn today?”, “Were there moments I reacted impulsively, and if so, why?”, and “How can I respond differently in the future?”. This routine not only builds self-awareness but also fosters personal growth. Over time, you’ll find that your reactions become more considered, your relationships more harmonious, and your understanding of yourself deeper.

The next time you’re confronted with a challenging situation, particularly at home, remember that your actions will follow your thoughts. By adopting empowering questions, you pave the way for positive actions, fostering harmony and understanding.

Summary

“QuestionThinking”

Ben Knight took an executive position in a failing company that hired him to turn things around. It was a sink-or-swim situation. Within two weeks, he felt unqualified to do his job. When he offered to resign, his boss insisted that he work with an “inquiring executive coach” named Joseph. The coach introduced Ben to “QuestionThinking,” a way of utilizing inquiry to understand problems better, and to formulate progressive steps toward goals. Ben felt he needed answers, but Joseph suggested that what he really needed were questions. He made Ben realize that he, like most people, responded to situations with unconscious questions and statements that affected his mood and his ability to deal with problems.

“Putting the Power of Questions to Work”

Joseph illustrated the power of changing the questions you ask yourself with an example from history. The question, “How do we get ourselves to water?” drove the ancient hunters and gatherers. The age of farming and all subsequent human progress came about because of a different question: “How do we get water to come to us?”

“A world of questions is a world of possibility. Questions open our minds, connect us to each other and shake outmoded paradigms.”

An event or emotion or any other stimulus that has an impact on you provokes a questioning response. Those questions can either be “Learner” questions that put you on a road to positive solutions, or “Judger” questions that help you find fault with others and lead you to stagnation. Every moment in life offers you the option to be open and inquiring, or closed and judgmental, though you rarely consciously even recognize that you are making a choice. Most people don’t realize that they have any alternatives about their reactions at all.

“Although we can’t always choose what happens to us, we can choose what we do with what happens.”

So, the first step is to be aware that you always are asking yourself questions. Next, observe the tone and intent behind your questions. Harsh questions that try to fix blame are judger questions. Those generated by genuine curiosity are learner questions. When you react strongly to something, take a moment to examine the questions you are asking yourself. This lays the necessary foundation for changing your questions.

“The most effective communication is about 20% telling and 80% asking…Most of us have it turned around – 80% telling and 20% asking.”

Questions are a powerful way to understand others and to shine a light on the true dimensions of any situation you encounter, rather than assuming that you have all the answers. When you ask other participants questions, you encourage them to enter a dialogue with you to find the truth of a situation or to solve a problem honestly. It’s a great way to encourage creative thinking.

Making Positive Choices

Consider the choice you make when you ask negative questions instead of positive, open-ended questions. This choice confronts you every moment, whether you are aware of it or not. One road leads to the “judger pit,” a place of stagnation from which it is difficult to escape. Notice how burdened and stressed your body feels when you ask yourself negative, judgmental questions, such as, “How could I be so stupid?” The judger path leads you nowhere.

“When we’re able to listen…the impact on others is amazing. When people feel accepted, and not judged, they become much more forthcoming, cooperative and creative.”

Positive, constructive questions lead you down the learner road, where you will find creative solutions to your personal and interpersonal problems. Notice your physical response to uplifting questions. When you ask yourself learner questions, your body will shift from clenched and angry to receptive and relaxed. Change the character of your internal inquiry by using your mental “switching lane” and asking yourself questions that enable you to change from a judging perspective to open-ended inquiry.

“The kinds of questions we ask ourselves can stimulate curiosity, inspire us, open us to new discoveries, and move us in the direction of success – or they can drive us into despair, inactivity and failure.”

Imagine yourself at a crossroads in either your personal or work life. Become a dispassionate onlooker and analyze your own behavior. Note that you have an opportunity every moment to decide whether to choose your questions or to react thoughtlessly. Now, you can become aware of your choices, in an emotionally uncharged way as a disinterested onlooker. From this vantage point, you can consciously decide to change from a judgmental mode to a learning mode. Do this by asking a “switching question.” For example, ask yourself whether there’s a better way to view your situation. Instead of thinking, “Why is this person such a jerk?” you can “switch your question” and ask, “What is this person looking for?” When you change gears from judger to learner, the adjustment has a great byproduct: You will instantly feel calmer.

“You can separate your reactions from…anyone else’s (behavior). Until you do, you keep giving away your power. You’re just a puppet. Anybody can pull your strings.”

Joseph asked Ben to post a chart (called a “choice map”) addressing the choices between negative and positive questions on his refrigerator at home. When Ben talked with his wife, Grace, about the judger and learner mindsets, Grace told Ben that the information he had put on the fridge about asking learner questions had influenced her to rethink her judgment about a problem she had been having with a co-worker. She approached this colleague to ask for her perspective on how they could create a more productive relationship. Ben realized that Grace had a natural ability to defuse a tense moment by asking a sincere question that got the person who was upset to stop and talk about his or her motivations. The discussion of how Grace used Ben’s approach successfully became one of the most lively, open and positive conversations the couple had shared in a while.

“Learner-Judger Questions”

When you catch yourself asking questions, try to think of a corresponding positive alternative to a judgmental approach. Find a way to turn around condescending questions. When you use a judgmental perspective, whether focused on you or another person, it sets up antagonism and diminishes your chances of resolving problems. To make progress and maintain productive relationships, practice reframing your questions from judger to learner mode. If you can identify the questions that are leading you down the judger path, then you can switch them.

“Once you’re able to observe your own thinking, and recognize the difference between Learner and Judger, you grab hold of the power of choice.”

Ben told Joseph about a co-worker, Charles, whom he felt was deliberately undermining him. Joseph asked Ben to identify the questions in his mind when he contemplated Charles’ behavior. Together they looked for ways to turn negative assumptions into probing questions that allowed Ben to find the truth behind the conflict.

“Empowering Your Observer”

Switching your question mode is possible only if you assume the perspective of an onlooker, or “observer,” a neutral point of view that allows you to see yourself in any given situation without emotion. Wake up and become more aware of your own behaviors and assumptions.

“It’s all too easy to overlook assumptions or defend them without question. Until we bring them to light, assumptions can sabotage our efforts to achieve our goals and deepest desires.”

Follow the “A-B-C-C Choice Process” to shift from judging to learning mode:

A – It starts with becoming “Aware.” Are you becoming harsh and judgmental?
B – Next, “Breathe.” Step into a self-observant role rather than a self-judging mode.
C – “Curiosity” will help you shift your attitude. Question the details of your situation so you can base your decisions on facts.
C – From there, it’s easy to “Choose.”

“Assumptions can undermine effective communication…[and] make it difficult to build or maintain satisfying relationships.”

Remember, no one can become entirely free of the judger mindset. Learn to tolerate it; it’s unavoidable. But strive to improve your learner approach. Practice self-observation. Consciously take a few moments every day to look at yourself in a detached, objective way. Soon, this will become a habit that will help you during stressful moments when you are operating from a judger perspective. The next time the telephone rings, practice a simple exercise to strengthen this capacity. Listen to the phone ring and notice all your bodily reactions. Watch your conditioned responses. From this point of view, it’s easier to take more measured and deliberate action.

“Switching Questions”

Once you are aware that your perceptions emanate from an intolerant place of judgment, devise questions that take you down the alternative learner’s path. Switching to learner mode involves consciously catching yourself as a judger and asking questions that reveal your inner process. This will put you squarely on the road to learning. Ask questions such as, “What are your judgments right now? What is empirical knowledge versus your beliefs about a situation? Is there a different way to view this?”

“Assumptions are invisible chains to the past that block freedom of choice and action for the future.”

Practice switching by remembering a negative situation that you changed to a positive experience. Recall the questions you asked yourself that helped you reverse your thinking. Also, it always helps to seek humor in adverse circumstances.

“Questioning Assumptions”

Base your actions on solid information. Often, your presumptions in a situation lead to erroneous judgments. Ben knew that his colleague Charles wanted his job, so Ben assumed that Charles did not want to help him accomplish the department’s goals. In fact, he thought Charles was sabotaging those efforts by asking a lot of challenging questions. Actually, Charles was just trying to figure out what Ben wanted and needed him to do.

“QuestionThinking is a system of tools for transforming thinking, action and results through skillful question asking – questions we ask ourselves as well as those we ask others.”

Often, dealing with the biggest obstacle leads to the greatest benefit. Before pivotal situations occur, develop the questions you want to use to inform your learning mindset. Don’t drag the things that were true in the past into your evaluation of your present circumstance. Remain aware that your attitude affects others around you.

“It’s neither magic nor a miracle…It’s a method – practical tools that take advantage of how humans work. Questions always direct our attention. New questions can redirect our attention.”

Ben got stuck in traffic as he returned to his office. He was late for his appointments and fumed that someone had probably been shortsighted, run out of gas and blocked the traffic. Ben was certain that whoever was holding up the traffic was selfish and thoughtless, but he found he had been wrong. Instead, a terrible accident had caused the holdup. As an ambulance wended its way through traffic to assist the injured, Ben felt bad. He knew he’d seen a powerful illustration of how mistaken some entrenched assumptions could be.

“Top Twelve Questions for Change”

Ben had scheduled a meeting with Charles and he dreaded the encounter. Joseph gave Ben 12 questions to ask himself that might provoke him to change his outlook. The questions encouraged Ben to examine his entrenched beliefs about his situation, explore different perspectives, and try to understand Charles’ needs, thoughts and emotions.

These questions are:

What are your real wishes?
Have you considered your options?
Are you jumping to any conclusions?
Are you aware of your own responsibilities?
How else could you conceptualize this situation?
Have you considered the other person’s thoughts, emotions, needs and wishes?
Are you ignoring, skipping or dodging any key information?
Can you garner any useful lessons from these circumstances or from this person?
What other questions should you pose to yourself or to anyone else?
What sensible forward steps could you take?
How can you create a result where everyone wins?
What are all the conceivable outcomes?

At their meeting, Ben surprised Charles by asking questions and remaining open to solving problems through inquiry. Charles surprised Ben by suggesting that they apply the “QuestionThinking” method, by brainstorming, to address some of their team’s problems.

A brainstorming session that leads with questions can produce creative insights into your situation. First, define the problem you need to solve and identify the targets you want to achieve. Then, formulate your questions and think about what further inquiries they might suggest.

Ben and Charles threw out questions fast and furiously, and in the process they developed a new, open working relationship that was infinitely more productive. This translated into a more open and industrious working team.

Not surprisingly, the “QuestionThinking” method also improved Ben and Grace’s marriage. Once Ben let go of the idea that he needed to have all the answers, he found it much easier to share his doubts with Grace, to verify whether or not what he assumed was true, and to share a learning path full of curiosity.

Conclusion

Shifting from a judger mindset to a learner perspective can profoundly transform our interactions. Emotions, especially snap judgments, can hijack our reactions, leading to misunderstandings.

By altering our questions, we can reshape relationships, mending rifts and fostering genuine connections. This insight extends beyond personal interactions, with practices like Q-storming fostering innovation and collaboration in professional settings. Deep listening is integral, demanding not just hearing words but engaging fully, and understanding the speaker’s underlying feelings and intentions. When it comes to intimate relationships, open-ended questions and attentive listening lay the foundation for trust, mutual respect, and deeper bonds. Our questions shape our world, and choosing curiosity over judgment can make all the difference in fostering meaningful connections.

About the Author

Marilee G. Adams, Ph.D., is a consultant, a psychotherapist and the founder of a corporate training organization.

Genres

Personal Development, Career Success, Self-help, nonfiction, business, leadership, psychology, communication, coaching, education, management

Review

The book is a personal growth fable that tells the story of Ben Knight, a senior manager who is struggling with his career and marriage. He meets Josephine, an executive coach who introduces him to the concept of Question Thinking, a method of changing the questions we ask ourselves and others to achieve better results. Ben learns how to switch from a Judger mindset, which is negative, reactive, and limiting, to a Learner mindset, which is positive, proactive, and expansive. He also learns how to use the Choice Map, a tool that helps him identify his current mindset and choose a different one. Ben applies these skills to his work and personal life, and experiences significant improvements in his performance, relationships, and happiness.

The book is a practical and engaging guide to improving one’s thinking and communication skills. The author uses a fictional narrative to illustrate the power of questions and the impact of mindsets on our outcomes. The book is easy to read and follow, and provides useful examples, exercises, and tools that readers can apply to their own situations. The book is based on the author’s extensive research and experience as a coach, consultant, and educator. The book is suitable for anyone who wants to learn how to ask better questions, change their habits, and achieve their goals.