Table of Contents
Key Takeaways
- Codependence is a common and pervasive condition that affects millions of people around the world. It is a condition that stems from childhood trauma and abuse, and it manifests in various ways that undermine one’s self-esteem, happiness, and relationships. In this article, we will review the book Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody and her co-authors, which is one of the most comprehensive and authoritative books on the topic of codependence.
- If you want to learn more about codependence, its causes, its symptoms, and its solutions, then you should read this book. It will help you understand yourself and others better, and it will give you the tools and strategies to heal your wounds and change your life.
Facing Codependence (1989) offers insights and guidance for those seeking to navigate and recover from codependent behaviors. It dives into the complex condition of codependence, identifying five main symptoms, their origins, and their corresponding effects on the individual’s life.
Introduction: Unravel the complexities of codependence and the process of recovery
Frank, an architect in his 40s, is a successful man who measures his value by his wealth and influence. When he lost it all, he also felt he lost his sense of self.
David, even at 16, still relies on his mom to prepare his sandwiches. He’s never made one himself.
Maureen works as a bank’s senior officer, and she tends to keep people at a distance with her fierce and unapproachable demeanor. She’s isolated and miserable, but at least she’s shielded from harm.
Does one of these scenarios sound remotely familiar to you? If yes, it’s likely because just like them, you’re suffering from codependence. Codependence is the inability to function like a mature adult. It has repercussions both for the individual and their connections to others.
Serving as an eye-opening journey, this summary to Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence uncovers codependence patterns you never knew existed in your life and guides you toward the path of recovery.
What codependence looks like
Just like a fish doesn’t know it’s wet, many swim through life oblivious to their codependency condition. Recognizing you have this problem requires self-awareness. Only by acknowledging and accepting it can you work on getting things sorted. This journey begins with recognizing the signs of codependence within yourself.
There are five primary symptoms of codependence you should look out for.
Symptom #1: Unhealthy levels of self-esteem.
Codependent people lack the healthy self-esteem that allows them to see themselves as valuable human beings despite their faults, mistakes, and failures. There are three types of dysfunctional self-esteem that characterize such individuals. The first is severely low, if not nonexistent, self-esteem. People who fall into this category often feel they’re inferior to others, believing they lack value or worth. The second category is very high self-esteem. These people believe they’re better than everyone else, often displaying an inflated sense of self-worth or importance. Finally, there’s other-esteem – individuals who derive their sense of worth from external factors, such as financial status, material possessions, and even their kids’ achievements.
Symptom #2: Dysfunctional boundary systems.
Healthy individuals establish boundaries that both protect them from harm and prevent them from overstepping others’ boundaries. For those with codependency, their sense of boundaries often gets distorted. There are four categories of boundary dysfunction. First, there’s having no boundaries. Such individuals either let others violate their personal space or they invade the boundaries of others. Second, there’s having damaged boundaries. While this group might be aware of personal boundaries, this awareness is inconsistent, only kicking in during some situations and around particular people. Third, there’s putting up walls. Instead of setting healthy limits, these people build impenetrable walls, often masked by anger or fear. Finally, there’s a switch between walls and nonexistent boundaries. These individuals fluctuate between erecting defensive walls and then completely dropping them once they feel overly isolated. But because they have no boundaries set up – thus exposing them to harm – they retract to their walls.
Symptom #3: Reality struggles.
A person’s reality is shaped by how their body looks, how they think, how they feel, and how they behave. Because everyone experiences these four components differently, your reality will be distinct from another person’s. For those dealing with codependence, there’s often a challenge in embracing parts or all of their personal reality. This struggle typically manifests at two levels: Level A, where individuals know their reality but choose not to share or express it to others, and Level B, where they’re disconnected from their own reality altogether. They often have distorted perceptions about their physical appearance, remain oblivious to their genuine thoughts and feelings, and lack awareness of what they’re doing.
Symptom #4: Issues with identifying and fulfilling personal needs and wants.
Adults are expected to recognize and meet their own needs and wants. But codependent people have trouble doing so. Instead, they fall into one of four categories. The first is being too dependent – they rely entirely on others to cater to their needs and wants. The second is being anti-dependent – they resist any assistance from others to fulfill their needs, even when certain ones like physical and emotional nurturing are best met by others. The third is being unaware of their own needs and wants. And the fourth is confusing needs with wants, which often involves attempting to meet the need by getting their unrelated wants.
Symptom #5: Struggles with moderation.
Codependents have no sense of moderation – they’re either too little or too much, no in-between. This tendency impacts various aspects of their lives, including physical appearance, emotions, behavior, and problem-solving. For instance, they might either overdress or wear minimal clothing, become explosively expressive of their feelings or entirely withdrawn, and act out dramatically or become almost invisible in group settings. When confronted with challenges, their solutions also tend to swing to the extreme, like how their first thought is to get a divorce after getting into a minor argument with their spouse over who would do the dishes.
Determining if you suffer from these symptoms is the first step in your journey to recovery.
How codependence takes its toll on you
The symptoms of codependence are like heavy baggage you carry while traveling – not only do they weigh you down but also bump into other people and impact your interactions with them. These symptoms impact both how you view yourself and how you relate to others in several key ways.
First, codependence often manifests as negative control. You tend to control how others should look, think, and behave or you’re allowing others to do the same to you. This happens mainly because of your unhealthy levels of self-esteem and lack of personal boundaries.
Second, codependence can lead to resentment, the pent-up anger at someone who wronged you. You obsess over how to get back at that person because you feel that’s the only way to restore your sense of self-worth. The thing is, though, most of the time, people aren’t actually out to get you. But because you struggle as a codependent with owning your reality, your skewed thinking has led you to believe that others are deliberately trying to harm you.
Next, codependence can make you feel disconnected from spirituality. Spirituality involves establishing a relationship with a “higher power.” If you’re codependent, you might feel you’re not good enough for that connection. Or, you might think you don’t need it at all because you’re your own higher power.
Subsequently, people with codependence tend to escape reality, typically with the use of illegal or intoxicating substances, such as alcohol and prohibited drugs. They do this to avoid and mask their true feelings, such as feelings of worthlessness due to low self-esteem.
The fifth major impact of codependence is that it makes it hard to build intimate relationships. This stems from all five of the symptoms. When you have unhealthy levels of self-esteem, you either avoid intimacy because of fear of others seeing your flaws or, you block it due to your own judging personality. Intimacy is also affected by your dysfunctional boundaries as you’re either taken advantage of or are the offender yourself. Because you struggle with owning your reality, including your thoughts and feelings, it’s also hard for you to be intimate. Additionally, your issues with your needs and wants affect intimacy since you either expect the other person to take care of everything for you or avoid depending on them altogether. Your moderation issues can also block intimacy, especially when you have strong, uncontrollable emotions or when you don’t show any feelings at all.
Codependence can even lead to health problems, both physical and mental. This can range from cardiovascular issues to depression and self-harm.
Another one of the most concerning impacts of codependence is how it affects your children. As a codependent parent, you might not be able to give your kids the appropriate care and guidance they need. They may then grow up with codependence, which may then affect their children, too.
Codependence is indeed a complex issue that negatively impacts not only your life but also the lives of those around you.
How codependence in an individual comes to be
Codependence can often trace its roots to abusive childhood environments. This is when primary caregivers, whether they’re the parents or someone else, attack the child’s five innate qualities – their sense of value, vulnerability, imperfection, dependence, and immaturity. It’s the caregivers’ responsibility to foster these traits to ensure the child develops into a mature adult.
Unfortunately, the opposite is true of a dysfunctional upbringing. Let’s walk through how each of these attributes is neglected or outright attacked and what effects it brings to the child.
First comes the child’s sense of value. A healthy environment treats all children as equally valuable, flaws and all. But some parents convey to their child that they’re either less than or better than other people. There are also parents who only nurture their kid’s sense of value when they perform a certain way, such as getting high grades in school or winning competitions. With these skewed perceptions of value, the child grows to have unhealthy levels of self-esteem.
Now, let’s talk about the child’s second innate quality: vulnerability. When a child is in a nurturing family, they’re protected from abusive behavior and are taught how to set healthy boundaries. On the contrary, in dysfunctional families, there’s a significant lapse in boundary setting, leading the child to form unstable boundary systems of their own. As it turns out, children only emulate the boundary practices they see in their parents. That said, kids of parents with nonexistent or damaged boundaries also develop no or partial boundary systems themselves. If the parents put up walls instead of boundaries, then their kids will do the same. A child can also alternate between walls and nonexistent boundaries if the parents exhibit one of each.
Let’s move on to the third innate quality: the child’s imperfections. Members of a healthy family unit acknowledge the fact that everyone, even the primary caregivers, is imperfect. But less-than-nurturing parents criticize or disregard their child’s imperfections. Those who are attacked for being imperfect tend to grow up as perfectionists in an effort to win over their parents. Meanwhile, those whose imperfections get ignored are likely to become rebellious as they were never made to take responsibility for their wrongdoings. In both cases, the child has a hard time accepting their imperfections as these imperfections are linked to intense feelings of pain, fear, or anger. This makes it difficult for them to own their reality.
A child’s dependency is the fourth innate quality. In a functional household, parents cater to their child’s primary survival needs when they’re young and gradually instruct them how to provide for themselves as they become older. Unfortunately, unhealthy ways of meeting the kid’s needs result in them developing dysfunctional ideas of their needs and wants. Children grow to be too dependent if they’re constantly provided with everything. But if parents attack their child for having needs, the kid may develop an aversion to relying on anyone and become anti-dependent. If, on the other hand, the parents don’t provide for their child at all, the kid may feel that they don’t need or want anything, which means they become needless and wantless. Meanwhile, a child whose parents only shower them with their wants like toys and ponies instead of nurturing their needs for attention and physical touch won’t learn the difference between what they truly need and what they just want.
Finally, the fifth innate quality is the child’s immaturity. Kids are naturally immature, and in a healthy home, this is understood, accepted, and corrected when necessary. But the same can’t be said for dysfunctional environments. Sometimes, parents expect their child to behave older than their real age. Other times, they let the child act younger and don’t guide them to behave appropriately for their age. The result? The child struggles with doing things in moderation – they become either too controlling or too chaotic.
It’s important that you examine your past for such instances of abuse as they can help you shed light on how you developed codependence. That’s your second step to recovering from this condition.
How to start recovering from codependence
Codependence may have lingered in the background of your life, but now that it’s stepping into the spotlight of your awareness, you can start the process of recovery.
Going to a Twelve Step meeting, such as Codependents Anonymous or CODA, is an excellent place to start. CODA’s Twelve-Step program follows that of Alcoholics Anonymous, but rather than focusing on recovering from alcoholism, CODA addresses codependence. The meetings are an avenue for you to share your struggles with the condition and what your recovery looks like. It’s also a great place to hear from others who are going through the same battle and get insights from their recovery journeys.
Another handy practice, which is part of the Twelve-Step program, is doing the so-called “written Step One.” This is where you write about your encounters with each of the five primary symptoms and their impact on you. By putting your experiences down on paper, you can better understand the role codependence plays in your daily life. This clarity can lead to acknowledgment and later, recovery.
Having a codependence sponsor can also prove to be helpful. They’re someone who also suffered from codependence but has recovered from some of their symptoms. They’ll guide you through your own recovery journey. When choosing a sponsor, look for an honest and nurturing parent figure who’d be willing to give you tough love when necessary.
Finally, consult a therapist who specializes in codependence. A good place to start looking is at a nearby chemical dependency treatment center as they’re likely to offer programs for codependent individuals.
It’s important to note that getting over codependence won’t be as straightforward as you’d imagine. At first, you’ll feel like you’re heading toward the opposite extreme. Say you were an anti-dependent who started reaching out to others for your needs. Initially, you may think you’re becoming too dependent. But in reality, you’re actually making progress toward moderation. The initial discomfort is normal since you’ve been so used to such symptoms all your life.
The road to recovery may also be painful, especially in the first year. This is because your suppressed emotions stemming from abuse will surface and confront you head-on. But at the same time, you’ll feel relieved to have an explanation for what’s been bothering you for so long. While your recovery journey might be long and challenging, it will be well worth it in the end.
Conclusion
Codependence is an intricate condition, the roots of which can often be traced back to childhood traumas. Early wounds from abuse can evolve into dysfunctional adult behaviors and relationship patterns. The good news is that you can break free from the grasp of codependence. It starts with acknowledging the five core symptoms affecting your life, followed by delving into your personal history to find out what the cause is. Only then can you work toward addressing your issues and recovering from them.
About the Author
Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller & J. Keith Miller
Genres
Psychology, Sex, Relationships, Mindfulness, Happiness, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Personal Development, Counselling, Addiction, Trauma, Recovery
Review
The book Facing Codependence is a comprehensive guide to understanding and overcoming the effects of childhood trauma and abuse on one’s personality, relationships, and mental health. The book defines codependence as a condition that results from being wounded in five core areas of development: self-esteem, boundaries, reality, dependency, and moderation. The book explains how these wounds are caused by various forms of abuse, such as physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual abuse, and how they lead to dysfunctional patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving in adulthood. The book also describes the symptoms of codependence, such as low self-worth, poor boundaries, denial, addiction, control, caretaking, and intimacy problems, and how they sabotage one’s life and happiness. The book offers a path to recovery that involves healing the wounds of the past, developing healthy boundaries, facing reality, becoming interdependent, and achieving balance. The book provides practical tools and exercises to help readers apply the concepts and principles to their own lives and relationships.
The book Facing Codependence is a valuable resource for anyone who struggles with codependence or wants to help someone who does. The book is based on the author’s extensive clinical experience and research, and it presents a clear and comprehensive framework for understanding and treating codependence. The book is written in a simple and accessible language, and it uses examples and case studies to illustrate the points and concepts. The book is also empathetic and supportive, and it encourages readers to take responsibility for their own healing and growth. The book is not only informative, but also transformative, as it offers hope and guidance for overcoming codependence and achieving a healthy and fulfilling life.