Table of Contents
Key Takeaways
- Mastery is the art of living a high-performance life, where we pursue our passions, express our talents, and make a positive impact in the world. But mastery is not easy to achieve, because it requires us to face and overcome one of the most powerful and pervasive fears that we have: the fear of people’s opinions (FOPO). In this article, we will review a book that shows us how to overcome FOPO and unlock our full potential, by applying the principles and techniques of mastery.
- If you are interested in learning more about mastery and FOPO, and how to use them to create your own way of life, we highly recommend that you read the book The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying about What People Think of You by Michael Gervais. You will discover how to overcome your fears and doubts, how to create a vision and a plan for your life, and how to deal with challenges and feedback. You will also find out how to join the mastery community and access more resources and support for your journey.
In the following summary, you’ll learn why the first rule of mastery is to stop worrying about what people think of you, and how to vanquish your fear of other people’s opinions (FOPO).
Long ago, our survival as a species relied on anticipating threats. The greatest threat was being ostracized by our own tribe. Without a tribe, we wouldn’t be able to gather food when sick or injured and wouldn’t survive long. So, we learned to anticipate and fear what others thought of us. This is known as FOPO – fear of other people’s opinions.
When your head is filled with thoughts of others judging you, it’s hard to be decisive. And when you’re worried about what people will think, it becomes challenging to focus deeply and master your craft. That’s why it’s important to remember the words of David Foster Wallace: “You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”
The Spotlight Effect
In the late nineties, Cornell Professor Thomas Gilovich devised a social experiment in which 109 college students entered a room full of their peers, individually and alone, wearing an embarrassing T-shirt with a giant photo of pop singer Barry Manilow. The students wearing the shirt were sure that at least 50% of their peers would notice the shirt. However, when Gilovich quizzed the people in the room afterward, only 25% saw the embarrassing shirt.
Several studies have shown that you and I have a distorted sense of significance and tend to project our thoughts onto others, causing us to believe the outside world is judging us much more than it is. This phenomenon is called “The Spotlight Effect.”
All day, it’s as if people are walking around with a floodlight hovering above, shining a spotlight down on their heads. If you’re not in someone’s spotlight, they’re not thinking about you. And even when people flash their spotlight on you, you occupy their thoughts for so little time because they quickly bring the light back to themselves and resume thinking about what everyone else is thinking of them. As a rule, never assume people are thinking about you unless they voice their opinions of you.
The Screens
When someone subjects you to their opinion, take a deep breath and imagine a screen going up between you and that person so you can filter out what’s helpful and what’s not. There are three effective screens you can put up between yourself and the opinions of others:
Screen #1: Your purpose
You have a reason for living – it might be getting better at that thing you love doing or living true to your values and inspiring others to do the same. When you’re on a mission to live a life of purpose, you’ll find you’re less concerned with other people’s approval. Seeking approval is like seeking short-term profits in business – every business wants short-term profit, but if it becomes their guiding principle, they quickly lose their way and become irrelevant. A business thrives and survives when it stands for something more than just profit, even if that angers people both in and outside the business. Likewise, you must live for more than just the approval of people around you. Therefore, when you hear someone telling you what you should do, put their opinion through your purpose and let any comment that doesn’t align with your purpose hit the screen and fall to the ground.
Screen #2: Your roundtable
Just a few people’s opinions truly matter. A comment from someone from your high school class on Facebook or a honk and a middle finger from an angry driver you’ll never see again simply don’t matter. The opinions that do matter come from the people who want what’s best for you, who you deeply respect, and who are not afraid to tell you the truth. Think of three to five people who fit these criteria and imagine them sitting at your roundtable. Your roundtable could include your partner, your best friend, your coach, and your mentor. The next time someone offers you their opinion, imagine a screen coming up between you and that person with a faint image of your roundtable on the screen. Then ask yourself: “Is this comment coming from the few people at my roundtable? If not, what would my roundtable think of this comment?”
Screen #3: Your death
The death screen is simple – when you start letting people’s opinions hold you back from living a life true to your values, ask one question: “Given that I’m going to die soon (soon might be a year or 70 years), is it worth letting people’s opinions dictate my life?”
Remembering that you’re going to die is the easiest way to distinguish between comments that matter and those that don’t. A comment from your child is worth acting on because it might be the last thing you think of before you die. But a comment from a coworker after a random meeting 20 years ago won’t be something you consider in your last moments on earth.
“When the party is almost over and everyone, and their opinions, has gone home, you’ll question why you gave them so much power in your life.” – Michael Gervais
Genres
Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Leadership, Business, Personal Development, Motivational, Sports, Education, Innovation
Review
The book is a guide to overcoming the fear of people’s opinions (FOPO), which is one of the biggest obstacles to achieving our full potential. The author, Michael Gervais, is a high-performance psychologist who has worked with some of the world’s top performers, such as athletes, musicians, and business leaders. He reveals the mental skills and practices that can help us overcome FOPO and live a high-performance life. The book is divided into four parts: Part One explains why FOPO is so common and harmful, and how to redirect our attention from the external world to the internal world. Part Two teaches us how to start a conversation with our space and invite mastery into our lives, by creating a vision, setting goals, and developing habits. Part Three shows us how to deal with challenges and feedback, by cultivating a growth mindset, embracing uncertainty, and learning from failure. Part Four discusses how to maintain and share our mastery, by finding our purpose, building a community, and giving back.
The book is an insightful and practical resource for anyone who wants to learn how to master their craft and their life, by overcoming the fear of what others think of them. The author writes with clarity, authority, and humor, and shares his personal and professional stories and experiences. The book is not a theoretical or academic book, but rather a hands-on and action-oriented book, that provides concrete and actionable steps and exercises for applying the principles and techniques of mastery. The book is not only informative, but also motivational and empowering, as the author shows how we can take control of our lives and achieve our goals, by focusing on what matters most to us. The book is full of anecdotes, quotes, and tips that illustrate the concepts and benefits of mastery, and make the book engaging and relatable. The book is a valuable resource for anyone who wants to learn more about mastery, or to deepen their understanding and practice of it.