Summary: Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World by Devorah Heitner

Key Takeaways

• Growing Up in Public investigates coming of age in a hyper-connected world and provides guidance for shepherding digital natives.
• Pick up this insightful book to understand how technology shapes adolescent journeys and relationships.

Growing Up in Public (2023) explores the many stresses both parents and children can experience in today’s digital world. Although raising children in the face of today’s many technological social outlets might seem overwhelming, this guide provides clear, actionable insight for guiding adolescent online behavior as well as monitoring our own adult actions.

Introduction: Learn to empower teens in the digital world

As children grow up glued to devices, parents face a new challenge: how to raise responsible digital natives in an overexposed online world. This is particularly important as it turns out that trying to control and monitor teens’ technology use is often counterproductive.

The solution to this conundrum is granting your children supported digital autonomy. After all, children thrive through communication, not control. By mentoring social and behavioral values instead of policing social media use, parents can encourage good judgment rather than rebellion and secrecy.

Far from scaremongering, this summary is a reassuring guide to empathetic parenting in the digital age. In it, you’ll learn that with care and courage, parents can model resilience and responsibility while teaching their children to use technology humanely.

A note before we get started – while much of the language in this summary is focused on “parents”, sometimes children are raised by close family friends, grandparents, or other guardians. This summary uses the terms “parents” and “guardians” interchangeably while recognizing not all guardians are direct parents.

Tracking your children’s digital activities can backfire – and what to do instead

Have you ever experienced the invasion of privacy when someone reads your private journal or overhears a phone conversation meant to be confidential? Remember how it felt – the violation and the misunderstandings that ensued due to a lack of context?

In today’s digital age, parents have unprecedented opportunities to monitor their children’s online activities. However, instead of focusing on surveillance, it’s more beneficial for parents to mentor their children in developing strong character and sound judgment. Surveillance, particularly when covert, can foster secrecy and rebellion, eroding the trust between parent and child. True decision-making skills develop not under constant oversight but through practicing independence with supportive guidance.

Research indicates that many parents extensively track their children’s digital footprints in an attempt to protect them. This over-surveillance hinders the development of autonomy and self-reliance in youth, making them dependent on external controls rather than their own judgment.

While tracking tools might offer parents a false sense of security, they can actually impede healthy development. Relying on monitoring apps often sidesteps the need for open discussions about values, expectations, and dealing with challenges. Children benefit more from gradually independent experiences than from a guardian who constantly resolves their problems for them.

Children have always sought out private spaces to explore their identities, separate from their parents. For previous generations, this could have been a secluded spot in the woods or a seldom-visited room in the house. The internet now serves as a new frontier for this exploration. Wise parents understand that both physical and virtual exploration are natural parts of growth. Concerns about adolescents’ private activities should be balanced with considerations such as age, the quality of the parent-child relationship, the nature of their friendships, and mental health.

Covert tracking and spying can often harm parent-child relationships unnecessarily. Trust is best nurtured when monitoring is aimed at mentoring rather than policing. Openness about limited tracking in specific situations, like past instances of bullying, can foster stronger connections. Conversely, secret surveillance can lead to conflict.

For example, it’s developmentally normal for children to vent about their parents, but this can be misconstrued as disturbing or hostile if parents inadvertently witness these expressions. Misinterpreting children’s temporary emotional outbursts as permanent attitudes can harm the bond between parent and child. It’s crucial for parents to understand that their children’s private thoughts and communications aren’t intended for adult scrutiny.

So, what is the best approach for parents monitoring their children’s digital communications? The healthiest method involves clear communication and gradually reducing tracking to support growing independence rather than encouraging dependence. As children demonstrate responsible behavior, monitoring should lessen to respect their maturing judgment while maintaining open communication. Supporting the development of ethical, capable digital citizens requires guidance, not control.

In certain cases, like mental health crises, more direct monitoring may be necessary. However, even in these scenarios, it’s best to engage in transparent communication about the extent of monitoring. After all, compassionate communication and resilience are more effective than surveillance in raising children. Wise parents prioritize mentoring over monitoring, fostering empathy and respect to help their children navigate the challenges of growing up in a digitally public world.

Navigating adolescence in the digital spotlight

Remember those embarrassing moments from your youth that thankfully weren’t captured for the digital world to see? Today’s teenagers aren’t as lucky, with their early explorations of identity often documented online.

Social media becomes a stage for teens to experiment with different personas. This is a natural part of their development. However, the public aspect of social media magnifies their vulnerabilities. The drive for likes and approval can pressure adolescents to present only the best versions of themselves, which in turn can intensify issues related to mental health and body image.

Yet, the distinction between a teen’s online presence and their real-life persona isn’t inherently harmful. In fact, supportive parenting can elevate a teen’s self-esteem, independent of their technology use. A significant concern for today’s youth, though, is the fear of enduring online repercussions or “cancellation” for their actions.

On the brighter side, social media offers quieter kids a platform to express their talents and allows young activists to amplify their voices. But the burden of maintaining a public image can be draining. Teens need empathy and guidance as they navigate the highlights and exclusions of online life. Parents play a crucial role here. They should encourage open discussions about the realities of social media, including its curated nature and the unrealistic standards it can set. Offering strategies for handling negative feelings and self-doubt, and demonstrating self-compassion, are also vital in helping teens engage with technology thoughtfully.

This brings us to an important realization: the value of mentoring over monitoring. While surveillance tools promise security, they can actually stifle healthy development by preventing experiential learning. Teens need progressively more autonomy, not constant surveillance.

Research underscores that nurturing parenting promotes high self-esteem in teens, regardless of their digital habits. Overbearing control can erode the trust and connection between a parent and child. Instead, guiding teens through the digital landscape with respect and understanding of their growing independence is essential. As teens mature, they benefit from guidance that acknowledges their increasing maturity and autonomy, helping them become responsible digital citizens.

Balancing parental sharing and child privacy online

Have you ever witnessed a parent sharing their child’s private moments on social media? Or perhaps you’ve shared something about your child, like their violin recital, online. While parents often share out of pride and joy, this act of “sharenting” can inadvertently infringe upon children’s privacy rights. It’s crucial to find a balance between celebrating achievements and respecting the child’s autonomy and dignity.

While social media offers a sense of community and support for parents, it shouldn’t come at the cost of ignoring children’s consent and boundaries. Respecting children’s evolving autonomy is essential, even if it means parents have to restrain their sharing impulses.

To ensure children’s privacy is protected, the author recommends three key guidelines: safeguard your children’s current and future privacy, manage their online reputation, and, if necessary, remove any past posts that might be embarrassing. When unsure, the default should be to prioritize the child’s rights.

Creating a family media policy can be a helpful way to navigate these issues. This policy could outline guidelines on what kind of family information can be shared, by whom, on which platforms, and under what circumstances. It could also include rules like waiting before announcing family news publicly, or allowing teenagers to share their own achievements in their own time.

It’s also important to discuss the concept of privacy in both small and large contexts with children. Small privacy concerns personal, community-level sharing, while big privacy involves larger data collection and privacy issues online. Conversations about these topics can help prepare children to navigate their digital lives.

Considering the pressures young people already face in curating their online personas, parents can help by allowing their children to control their own narratives. This respectful approach empowers children to share their lives at their own pace. Through thoughtful and considerate actions, parents can foster responsible digital citizens while safeguarding their privacy.

Guiding children in setting online privacy boundaries

In our exploration of digital sharing, we’ve looked at how adults can appropriately manage sharing children’s personal experiences online. But what about the kids themselves and their own posts?

Parents are often concerned about their children oversharing on social media. However, trying to suppress their self-expression can lead to them becoming secretive and detached. Instead, with the right guidance, kids can learn to share thoughtfully, choosing intention over impulse.

Teens post online for various reasons, such as seeking a supportive community, exploring their identity, combating stigma, engaging in activism, or simply for attention. These are all part of normal development. However, oversharing can lead to risks like bullying, missed opportunities, compassion fatigue, and unhealthy relationships.

Rather than just monitoring what their kids post, it’s beneficial for parents to engage in conversations about balancing openness with privacy. They can encourage their children to think about their motives for sharing, who their audience is, and how people might react to their posts. A practical approach is to ask teens to imagine wearing their message on a t-shirt in public. Parents should also discuss the value of sharing certain things with a few trusted individuals rather than a wide audience, and prepare them for both positive and negative feedback.

Guiding teenagers towards safe forms of self-expression, depending on the context, is crucial. While resisting the urge to constantly surveil can be challenging, it helps in nurturing sound judgment. Emphasizing dignity and guiding responsible sharing are more effective than attempting to control every aspect of a child’s online activity. Honest conversations about the balance between parental concerns and teenagers’ desires for independence can foster trust and maturity. By acknowledging their healthy motivations and discussing the risks and ways to share wisely, parents can help their children understand the implications of their online behavior. In doing so, they respect their growing autonomy and provide thoughtful advice, enabling teenagers to create a mindful digital presence.

Helping kids recover from online mistakes

One of the biggest fears parents have regarding their kids and the digital world is the risk of them going viral for the wrong reasons. When adolescents make hurtful online mistakes, they need compassionate guidance to reflect and grow. Shaming them with outrage often reinforces negative behaviors instead of correcting them. Parents can play a key role by modeling accountability while safeguarding their child’s dignity.

Addressing problematic views is essential. Such views often stem from ignorance rather than inherent immorality. If a child holds racist, misogynistic, ableist, or other harmful views, acknowledging this and seeking professional help, like therapy, is crucial. For a child who’s made an impulsive mistake online, the focus should be on helping them handle the backlash and guiding them to be more thoughtful in their future digital interactions. It’s also important for parents to reflect on their own behaviors and consider how their children might have picked up these attitudes.

Part of preventing these mistakes is educating children about the historical and social context of certain issues. For instance, a teenager might not understand the deep-seated pain and history behind a racial slur, thinking it’s merely provocative or humorous. Early education about such topics can help teenagers understand the harm behind certain words and actions.

It’s also vital to balance education with appropriate atonement for those who’ve made a mistake, and support for those affected by it. When addressing someone else’s mistake with your child, it’s often more constructive to focus on supporting the victims rather than shaming the offender.

When a person goes viral for a mistake, it can detract from the broader community’s role in perpetuating harmful views and behaviors. The goal is to foster a sense of healthy guilt in children for their mistakes, as guilt can lead to positive change, whereas shame can be paralyzing. It’s also important to help adolescents understand the impact of their actions, rather than simply punishing them, as punishment often results in them feeling bad about getting caught rather than understanding the wrongness of their actions.

If your child faces public backlash, the author recommends validating their feelings, ensuring their physical safety, helping them reflect on their behavior, and taking steps to repair any harm caused. Sometimes, issuing a public statement might be necessary, but the emotional and reflective work should come first.

Being proactive in preventing major public mistakes involves focusing on character development rather than just the consequences of actions. Teaching adolescents how to engage mindfully with technology is about guiding them to develop strong character traits, ensuring they make thoughtful decisions in the digital world.

Conclusion

Navigating the digital world as a parent involves more mentoring than monitoring. It’s crucial to respect children’s privacy and autonomy, balancing the joy of sharing their milestones with their right to control their own digital footprint. Discussions around privacy, both in small community settings and in larger online contexts, are key in preparing them for the digital world. Adolescents need guidance in sharing online thoughtfully, understanding the impact of their words and actions. Parents play a vital role in educating children about the historical and social context of their online behavior, especially to prevent hurtful mistakes. When mistakes do occur, compassionate guidance and reflection are more effective than shaming. Fostering a sense of healthy guilt rather than shame in children encourages positive change and growth. Ultimately, raising digital citizens requires open communication, understanding, and a focus on character development, helping adolescents navigate the complexities of their online and offline lives.

About the Author

Devorah Heitner

Genres

Technology and the Future, Parenting, Education, Society, Culture, Nonfiction, Psychology, Youth culture, Social media, Adolescence, Teen issues, Communication

Review

In Growing Up in Public, media expert Devorah Heitner investigates the uncharted terrain today’s youth navigate forming identity and relationships through digital technology. Drawing from extensive research and interviews, Heitner insightfully reveals how social media and smartphones impact adolescent development.

The book examines digital influence on identity, friendship, sexuality and courtship. Heitner explores emerging challenges like balancing authentic self-expression with peer validation-seeking, managing privacy, interpreting content without context cues, and building empathy. However, she also identifies offline rites of passage that persist surprisingly unchanged, as well as promising opportunities afforded by connectivity.

Heitner provides practical guidance for parents, educators and policy makers seeking wisdom for shepherding the first generation coming of age digitally. She advocates media literacy education over fear-based prohibitions, suggesting thoughtful mentoring on building self-awareness and interpreting online spaces critically but compassionately. Growing Up Public is a research-anchored tour of the promises and perils of the digital terrain shaping young lives.