Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to by someone you care about? Do you want to learn how to cope with their borderline personality disorder (BPD) and take your life back? If so, you might be interested in the book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.
This book is a self-help guide that will help you understand BPD, set boundaries, communicate effectively, and protect yourself and others from violent behavior. It will also show you how to make sense of the chaos, stand up for yourself, and assert your needs. To read more about this book and how it can help you, please continue reading the rest of the summary.
Stop Walking on Eggshells (1998) offers a lifeline to the beleaguered loved ones of those suffering from borderline personality disorder. It provides techniques grounded in empathy and understanding to establish healthy boundaries without abandoning those in need.
Table of Contents
Are you exhausted by the turmoil of a loved one with borderline personality disorder? Do you find yourself endlessly giving yet unable to meet their demands?
In this summary to Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger’s Stop Walking on Eggshells, you’ll learn techniques to find some stability within the maelstrom that borderline personality disorder can sometimes become. Grounded in evidence-based approaches, these methods will help you engage lovingly without getting engulfed.
You’ll get tips on how to relate skillfully during emotional outbursts and identify unhealthy enabling behaviors that perpetuate conflict. Most importantly, you’ll be empowered to focus on the one relationship you can control – the relationship with yourself.
Are you ready to create healthy boundaries, deepen your own self-knowledge, and transform a tumultuous relationship? The first step is yours to take.
Understanding borderline personality disorder
As a boy, Ken never knew what to expect from his mother. One day she would be affectionate, drawing him close and remarking how special their bond was. The next, a trivial mistake would trigger a torrent of stinging criticism: he needed a haircut, his shirt was ugly, his manners were poor. His mother’s expectations shifted like sand, impossible to grasp.
Years later, Ken recognized his mother likely had borderline personality disorder. And yet this realization was insufficient to heal the wounds he’d received in childhood. He’d developed a suspicion of people and had a hard time forming close relationships. Even minor perceived slights from his wife unleashed an involuntary wave of hurt and anger, as if responding to his mother’s presence. He remained trapped, reliving childhood wounds inflicted by a troubled parent, powerless to break free.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex and often-misunderstood psychiatric condition characterized by difficulties with emotion regulation, impulsivity, and unstable interpersonal relationships. People with BPD struggle to maintain a stable sense of self and frequently alternate between idealizing and devaluing others. Their intense emotions and relationship difficulties make life challenging not only for themselves, but also for their loved ones.
Let’s take a closer look at this complex disorder.
First, what exactly are “personality disorders?” They’re a class of disorders that reflect not temporary moods or mere episodes of anxiety, but enduring and inflexible patterns – dysfunctional patterns of inner experience and interpersonal behavior that persist over time and across situations.
Personality disorders typically arise in adolescence or young adulthood. Although genetic factors may be involved, they’re seen as originating in deeply ingrained, maladaptive attempts to meet emotional needs and navigate the world.
So, what about the “borderline” part? This label arose from therapists’ sense that patients were perched on the border between neurosis and psychosis. This idea has since been discarded, but the name has stuck. First described in the 1930s, today BPD is recognized as a distinct disorder affecting 1 to 2 percent of adults.
BPD is a controversial diagnosis. Notably, women are diagnosed more often than men. Some clinicians argue that it’s over-diagnosed, yet others miss its shifting symptoms entirely. Despite increased awareness in recent years, BPD remains highly stigmatized. Those suffering from it are often labeled as manipulative, attention-seeking, or beyond help.
In reality, many are simply trying to cope as best they can with excruciating inner turmoil. At its core, BPD symptoms stem from an unstable sense of self. Without an inner anchor, BPD sufferers desperately seek external sources of identity and self-worth. This manifests in a variety of difficult ways, which we’ll look at next.
Common BPD traits
People with BPD don’t all behave exactly the same – after all, everyone’s inherent character and personal situation are unique – but there are some common traits to look out for.
One characteristic trait is a fear of abandonment. BPD sufferers live in constant terror of being deserted. Even a small sign of rejection can trigger frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned – calling incessantly, dropping ultimatums, even threatening or carrying out self-harm. It’s important to understand that this behavior springs from primal panic, not manipulation.
Another key BPD characteristic is a lack of stable relationships. The search for identity leads BPD sufferers to form intense attachments followed by abrupt withdrawal. They struggle to integrate an understanding of people’s positive and negative traits, tending to “split” people into “all good” or “all bad.”
Other common BPD traits include impulsivity and reckless behaviors like substance abuse, promiscuity, binge eating, or spending. People with BPD may exhibit extreme mood swings – sudden outbursts of anger, dysphoria, or anxiety that lasts hours or days. They may display paranoia or dissociation – losing touch with reality to escape inner pain – or act in self-harming ways. And they may experience chronic feelings of helplessness or emptiness.
BPD sufferers are sometimes portrayed as being inherently manipulative or beyond hope. Yet personality disorders don’t need to be permanent prisons. Through evidence-based psychotherapy and a genuine dedication to change, people can come to understand the origins of their disorder and learn to strengthen their sense of identity – allowing them to develop healthier relationships and find a way out of their suffering. Though the path is challenging, and success isn’t guaranteed, recovery is possible for those who seek help, work hard, and keep moving forward.
Now that we’ve got a basic sense of what BPD is and how it manifests, let’s move on to how to respond if you think someone you know may have it.
First steps on the path to creating a better relationship
If this picture of borderline personality sounds familiar to you, you may be tempted to share your realization with the person involved. But while you may feel compelled to tell them your observations or concerns, broaching such a deeply personal topic requires thoughtfulness and care.
In their experience, authors Mason and Kreger say that BPD sufferers approached by family members have been known to respond with anger, denial, or “diagnoses” of their own. They recommend a different approach: gently encourage the person to seek professional therapy, so that they receive the diagnosis from the therapist rather than hearing an amateur diagnosis from you.
That said, there are some circumstances in which it may make sense to share your conclusion – for example, if they’re already actively searching for explanations for their feelings and a better understanding of their mental health. Either way, avoid language that blames or shames. Instead, describe behaviors that worry you and express your desire to understand and help. Make it clear you’re on their side.
Keep in mind that your primary responsibility isn’t to change or fix your loved one – it’s to create a better relationship with them and a good life for yourself, regardless of their actions. The remainder of this summary will focus on how to do that.
Holding your ground
Mary is exhausted after a day of working two jobs. When she comes home, her roommate Jane, who has BPD, immediately launches into a tirade about her latest drama. After an hour, Mary still hasn’t gotten a word in; even though she keeps yawning and tries to go to her room, Jane follows her and continues venting.
You’ve probably guessed where this is heading – boundaries. In dealing with a friend or loved one with BPD, it’s critical that you learn how to draw the line.
Boundaries are crucial for self-protection. The instability and extreme behaviors associated with BPD can easily spill over onto other people. Setting clear boundaries helps bring order amid the chaos of BPD, and clarifies what you find acceptable versus unacceptable.
Say you have overly flexible boundaries that enable harmful dynamics to persist. Living in constant crisis mode or assuming a caretaking role can cause you to lose touch with your own needs. Or maybe you build rigid emotional walls to cope with the turmoil of BPD. This protects you from vulnerability, but it’s also a barrier to genuine connection.
The goal is to find a middle ground: boundaries flexible enough to allow intimacy yet firm enough to maintain your sense of self. This helps you engage compassionately with your BPD loved one without getting engulfed in their issues. Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling their behavior – it’s about honoring what you need to feel safe and heard.
For example, during emotional outbursts, you may leave the situation while reassuring them that you’re open to discussing things once feelings have calmed down. Or you can set a time limit for venting before redirecting the conversation. Maintaining healthy boundaries takes self-awareness and practice, but it’s key for both people in BPD relationships.
Let’s imagine the following scenario: Jenna and her brother Chris, who has BPD, are eating dinner at a restaurant. At some point during their meal, the waiter brings over the wrong order. Chris immediately becomes enraged, yelling at the waiter and causing a scene. Jenna feels embarrassed by her brother’s behavior and isn’t sure what to do.
In the past, Jenna may have tried to calm Chris down, apologized for him, or even taken the blame herself. But Jenna has been working on setting better boundaries. So she firmly but kindly tells Chris that his reaction is inappropriate and asks him to lower his voice. When Chris continues his tirade, Jenna says she’ll wait in the car until he’s ready to go. Then Jenna pays the bill and leaves.
Later, when Chris has had a chance to cool off, Jenna explains that she cares about him – but that she isn’t OK with those kinds of aggressive outbursts in public. She suggests that if it happens again, they immediately remove themselves from the situation. In this way, Jenna is able to maintain her boundary while still supporting her brother.
In short, set boundaries – and be direct about what treatment you’ll accept versus what you won’t tolerate.
Continuing the journey
Coping with someone in your life who has BPD can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. But with some understanding, diligent self-care, and setting limits, you can help smooth out the bumpy ride.
The key here is to focus on yourself. As difficult as it is to watch someone act in destructive ways, remember that you can’t actually directly change their behavior. In fact, your first obligation is to maintain a strong sense of your own identity and values so you aren’t easily manipulated, provoked, or knocked off balance. Your first job is to know who you are. Act in alignment with your beliefs and what you feel is right. And then clearly communicate your needs and wants to the other party. Ultimately, the only person that you really have the power to change is you.
One tip: try not to take their behavior personally. While it’s important to understand your loved one’s triggers, it doesn’t mean you’re responsible for them. Take, for instance, John, who has BPD, and Sarah, his wife. One day, Sarah says, “It’s the soccer championships this weekend, and the kids want me to take them to their game on Saturday. Can we do date night on Sunday instead?” John responds, “Oh, so the kids come first again, like always. You don’t even want me around anymore! Just forget about me and go be with your perfect little family.”
In this scenario, Sarah may have accidentally triggered something in John – perhaps a fear of abandonment or insecurities about the relationship. But that doesn’t make her the cause of this conflict. Remember, you are responsible for your behavior; you’re not responsible for someone else’s irrational interpretation of the behavior. For a partner or family member of someone with BPD, this realization can be a relief.
It’s vital to seek sources of support, so you have someone outside of the relationship who you can candidly talk to about the relationship. Beyond the emotional support that comes from having a sympathetic ear, an outside figure can also help you stay tethered to reality in the face of the stresses and reality distortions that may come with a BPD relationship.
Part of the process of learning to deal with a BPD loved one is working on your own psychological or emotional issues. Sometimes people develop an unrecognized sense of codependence, and may take their own role in the relationship for granted.
Is it easier for you to endlessly give to others than to receive care and support yourself? Do you seem to thrive during times of crisis and chaos in your relationships? Have you avoided “boring” partners who seem too stable? Do you derive satisfaction from a victim status? Is it more comfortable to focus on others’ problems than to work on self-improvement or your own issues? Without excusing someone else’s behavior in any way, it’s worth asking yourself these questions about your tendencies.
Your goal might be to support a loved one on their journey to treat their BPD – or it might just be to survive and thrive yourself. Either way, you need to keep your own sense of self stable. So focus on improving your life rather than fixing the person with BPD, and work on developing your self-esteem and personal identity. What do you like to do? How do you like to spend your time? Is there something you can treat yourself to? Some place you’ve always wanted to visit? A hobby you’ve always wanted to try?
Whether it’s a partner, family member, or friend, don’t let your relationship with someone else keep you from developing a healthy relationship with yourself.
Conclusion
Dealing with a loved one who has borderline personality disorder can be immensely challenging. Their turbulent emotions are intense, and it’s easy to get sucked into this vortex. Under the surface, your loved one is likely in profound pain and desperately seeking security.
With professional help and dedication, recovery is possible. But their recovery isn’t your direct responsibility; you can’t steer or control their journey. Your primary obligation is to nurture your own emotional health while creating a relationship that works for you.
Avoid enabling harmful behaviors in the name of caretaking. Be loving yet firm in upholding your limits. And be sure to find sources of support, self-care, and identity outside the relationship. Ultimately, there’s only one person you can control: you. So focus on your own responses, resilience, and – hopefully – growth.
About the Author
Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
Genres
Psychology, Self-Help, Relationships, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Health, Coping, Family, Education, Personal Development
Review
“Stop Walking on Eggshells” is a highly informative and practical guide for individuals who have a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Authored by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger, this book offers valuable insights, strategies, and support for people dealing with the complex and often challenging dynamics of a relationship with someone who has BPD.
The book begins by explaining the fundamental aspects of BPD, including its symptoms, causes, and common behaviors associated with this condition. It helps readers understand that BPD is a mental health disorder characterized by emotional instability, intense mood swings, impulsivity, and difficulties in maintaining stable relationships.
Throughout the book, Mason and Kreger emphasize the importance of setting healthy boundaries while maintaining empathy and compassion for individuals with BPD. They provide practical advice on communication techniques and conflict resolution strategies tailored to the unique challenges posed by BPD. Readers are encouraged to focus on self-care and personal growth, which are crucial for maintaining one’s well-being while supporting a loved one with this disorder.
The authors also discuss the various treatment options available for individuals with BPD, emphasizing the significance of seeking professional help and offering guidance on how to encourage someone with BPD to engage in therapy or treatment. Additionally, the book addresses common myths and misconceptions about BPD and provides valuable resources for further information and support.
The book consists of three parts:
- Part I: Understanding BPD. This part explains what BPD is, what causes it, how it affects the person who has it and the people around them, and how it can be diagnosed and treated. The authors debunk some common myths and misconceptions about BPD, such as that it is a rare or untreatable disorder, that it is caused by bad parenting or abuse, or that it is the same as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.
- Part II: Taking Back Control of Your Life. This part focuses on how to cope with the impact of BPD on one’s own life and well-being. The authors provide practical tips and tools for managing one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in response to the BPD person’s actions and reactions. The authors also discuss how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, how to communicate clearly and assertively, how to handle conflicts and crises, and how to deal with guilt, shame, anger, and resentment.
- Part III: Making Changes within Yourself. This part emphasizes the importance of taking care of oneself and finding balance and happiness in one’s own life. The authors suggest ways to improve one’s self-esteem, self-care, and self-compassion, as well as to pursue one’s own goals and interests. The authors also recommend seeking professional help, joining a support group, or reading other books or resources on BPD.
“Stop Walking on Eggshells” is an indispensable resource for anyone dealing with the complexities of a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Mason and Kreger’s approach is both empathetic and pragmatic, offering guidance that is grounded in real-world experiences and expertise. Here are some key points that make this book noteworthy:
- Comprehensive Information: The authors provide a thorough understanding of BPD, its symptoms, and its impact on relationships, making it easier for readers to grasp the challenges they face.
- Practical Strategies: The book offers a wide range of practical strategies for communication, conflict resolution, and boundary-setting, all of which are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with someone with BPD.
- Empowerment: “Stop Walking on Eggshells” empowers readers to take control of their own lives, emphasizing the importance of self-care and personal growth.
- Encouragement of Professional Help: The book encourages seeking professional help for individuals with BPD, promoting a balanced approach to support and treatment.
- Myth-Busting: The authors dispel common myths and stereotypes associated with BPD, fostering greater understanding and compassion.
In conclusion, “Stop Walking on Eggshells” is a compassionate and practical guide that equips readers with the tools they need to navigate the challenges of a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It provides a comprehensive overview of the disorder and offers valuable strategies for both communication and self-care. This book is highly recommended for anyone seeking to better understand and support a loved one with BPD while also taking care of their own well-being.