Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center. In her groundbreaking book, “The Other Significant Others,” Rhaina Cohen masterfully explores the often-overlooked world of non-romantic relationships. This thought-provoking work delves into the complexities and significance of platonic bonds, shedding light on their profound impact on our lives. Prepare to embark on a captivating journey that will challenge your perceptions and deepen your understanding of the relationships that shape us.
Discover the untold stories and hidden truths about the relationships that define us beyond romance. Keep reading to uncover the transformative power of “The Other Significant Others” and gain invaluable insights that will forever change the way you view and nurture your non-romantic connections.
Table of Contents
Genres
Communication Skills, Mindfulness, Happiness, Personal Development, Society, Culture, Non-fiction, Relationships, Psychology, Sociology, Self-help, Interpersonal communication, Family & relationships, Friendship, Social psychology
In “The Other Significant Others,” Rhaina Cohen takes readers on a captivating exploration of the often-overlooked world of non-romantic relationships. Through a blend of personal anecdotes, scientific research, and insightful analysis, Cohen sheds light on the profound impact that platonic bonds have on our lives. From childhood friendships to adult connections, the book delves into the complexities and nuances of these relationships, challenging conventional notions of love and intimacy.
Cohen skillfully weaves together stories of individuals from diverse backgrounds, illustrating the universal nature of the need for meaningful connections beyond romantic partnerships. She examines the various forms that non-romantic relationships can take, from close friendships and family ties to mentorships and professional networks. Throughout the book, Cohen emphasizes the transformative power of these bonds, highlighting their ability to provide support, growth, and fulfillment in ways that romantic relationships may not.
The author also addresses the societal and cultural factors that often undervalue or dismiss the importance of non-romantic relationships. She argues for a shift in perspective, urging readers to recognize and prioritize these connections as essential components of a well-rounded and emotionally satisfying life. Cohen offers practical insights and strategies for cultivating and maintaining strong platonic bonds, emphasizing the importance of communication, vulnerability, and mutual support.
“The Other Significant Others” is a thought-provoking and emotionally resonant work that challenges readers to reexamine their understanding of relationships and the roles they play in shaping our identities and well-being. Cohen’s writing is engaging, accessible, and filled with wisdom that will resonate with readers of all ages and backgrounds. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking to deepen their connections and find greater meaning in their relationships beyond the realm of romance.
Review
Rhaina Cohen’s “The Other Significant Others” is a groundbreaking and essential work that shines a much-needed light on the often-neglected world of non-romantic relationships. Cohen’s extensive research, combined with her engaging and insightful writing style, makes for a compelling and transformative reading experience.
One of the book’s greatest strengths lies in its ability to challenge conventional notions of love and intimacy. Cohen skillfully dismantles the idea that romantic relationships are the sole source of emotional fulfillment and personal growth, instead highlighting the profound impact that platonic bonds can have on our lives. Through a series of moving personal stories and scientific findings, Cohen demonstrates the universal nature of the need for meaningful connections beyond romance.
The author’s exploration of the various forms that non-romantic relationships can take is both comprehensive and illuminating. From childhood friendships to professional networks, Cohen delves into the complexities and nuances of these bonds, offering valuable insights into their unique challenges and rewards. Her emphasis on the transformative power of these relationships is particularly poignant, reminding readers of the immense potential for growth and support that lies within their platonic connections.
Cohen’s writing is accessible and engaging, making complex concepts and research findings easy to understand and relate to. Her personal anecdotes and storytelling abilities add depth and emotional resonance to the book, drawing readers in and fostering a sense of connection and empathy.
While the book is largely successful in its mission to elevate the importance of non-romantic relationships, there are moments where the analysis could have been more deeply explored. Some readers may crave additional practical guidance on navigating the challenges and conflicts that can arise within these bonds.
Overall, “The Other Significant Others” is a groundbreaking and essential read for anyone seeking to deepen their understanding of relationships and find greater meaning and fulfillment in their connections beyond romance. Cohen’s work is a powerful reminder of the transformative potential that lies within our platonic bonds, and a call to action for prioritizing and nurturing these relationships in our lives. This book is a must-read for anyone interested in personal growth, emotional well-being, and the power of human connection.
Introduction: Discover new possibilities for connection
The Other Significant Others (2024) challenges conventional relationship wisdom by inviting us to imagine a life centered around friendship rather than romance. Through compelling stories of platonic partners who have built lives together, this thought-provoking work invites us to re-examine our assumptions about love, commitment, and family.
What if your most important relationship wasn’t a romantic one?
Society has taught us to value romantic partnerships over any other type of connection. But there are many forms of relationships that can bring meaning and fulfillment to our lives. This Blink invites you to rethink your assumptions about love, commitment, and family, and to explore the diverse ways we connect with one another.
Through intriguing stories of platonic partners who have built deeply committed lives together, it encourages you to embrace a broader view of what constitutes a meaningful life – and pursue the relationships that matter most to you.
Beyond friendship
Have you ever had a friendship that felt as intense and committed as a romantic partnership? A bond so meaningful that “best friend” didn’t seem to capture its depth? Well, such profound platonic relationships aren’t actually unusual, particularly when we look back in history.
For centuries, intimate same-sex friendships, even “wedded” or sworn brotherhood, were common and publicly celebrated. Passionate language, cohabitation, shared finances, and lifelong devotion were normal features of such friendships.
Marriage, in turn, served as an answer to more practical needs. This often meant that friends, as opposed to spouses, were people’s primary source of emotional connection. Only in recent decades, have we come to expect spouses to meet our every need – from best friend to lover to life coach.
This leaves far less room for friendships and puts immense pressure on marriages. And while some couples may find marriage deeply fulfilling in all the important areas of their life, still many others find it falls short of their hopes, expectations, and needs.
Meanwhile, having a diverse “relationship portfolio” may lead to greater happiness and less stress. But modern society lacks the rituals, language, and understanding for platonic partnerships that transcend typical friendships.
Take the example of Andrew and Toly, two close friends who have built their lives around each other. They’re roommates, intellectual sparring partners, and collaborate on academic and activist projects. They approach major decisions – from daily routines to career moves – with the other in mind, much like a married couple would. As a result, people often assume they must be romantically involved.
Assuming that commitment must always equal sexual attraction limits our understanding of such deep relationships. It’s time to widen our frame of reference and appreciate the roles that love, commitment, and intimacy play when it comes to friendships that exist outside of sex and romance.
Sex isn’t everything
When two people are very close, we automatically assume they must be having sex – especially if the connection is between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. But this is an extremely limiting view of relationships and sexuality.
Take the example of Stacey and Grace. Having met in college, their bond is characterized by an extraordinary level of emotional attunement, mutual support, and intertwined life choices. They plan vacations together, engage in physical affection like cuddling and even discuss milestones like co-parenting, getting married, and growing old together. But they’re not having sex. In fact, Stacey recently came out as asexual.
Yet their deep bond demonstrates that sex isn’t essential for committed companionship. Indeed, psychological research shows that love and lust have distinct biological underpinnings and evolutionary functions. Love is an attachment bond, separate from sexual desire. Not everyone feels that these experiences must be paired. Compulsory sexuality – the belief that a “normal” life requires sex – stigmatizes asexuality and can make deep nonsexual bonds feel incomplete.
However, when it comes to romantic and platonic love, the differences between them may be more blurry than we’ve traditionally assumed. Stacey and Grace find it surprisingly difficult to define romance. Many friendships have romantic elements like affection, commitment, and a sense of unity. So perhaps romantic and platonic partnerships are more of a continuum than strict categories. Sex can be a part of either of them – but it doesn’t have to be.
Stacey and Grace’s bond suggests that friendship with no sex can be just as steady, encompassing, and affectionate as a partnership. Their story prompts us to question our emphasis on sexual connection and embrace a more expansive view of relationships.
One of the interesting, and perhaps exciting, side effects of forging a friendship that defies societal expectations is that it may lead you to question other norms and conventions that are limiting your self-expression. The story of Art and Nick, two Christian youth pastors, provides a poignant example of how reimagining relationships can lead to a deeper sense of autonomy and self-determination.
Art is openly gay and committed to celibacy due to his faith, while Nick is straight. In the beginning of their friendship, Nick struggled with what he now calls “homohysteria” – the fear of being perceived as gay due to his closeness with Art. He worried what others, especially his conservative family, would think of their intimacy. Because of this, he pulled back in moments that seemed “too gay,” like going on a trip to Hawaii together.
Over time, however, Art helped Nick examine the roots of his discomfort. Was it based on what’s moral and right, or social norms and personal hang-ups? With Art’s patient guidance, Nick started to shed his automatic aversion to physical affection and emotional vulnerability. He learned to prioritize their friendship over other people’s judgments.
Together, Art and Nick made a radical decision: to build a life as platonic partners, forming an intentional family unit. They moved in together and now share a home, intertwining their day-to-day lives. Challenges have inevitably arisen, from navigating Nick’s romantic relationships to weathering backlash when their conservative religious community discovered their living arrangement. Yet through it all, their dedication to each other never wavered.
Art and Nick demonstrate how platonic love can open the gates to whole new forms of understanding oneself and others – creating a sense of deep fulfillment and self-determination. By forgoing society’s standard blueprint for relationships, they’ve cultivated a uniquely beautiful bond that allows them both to thrive.
Their story, and indeed countless others, raise poignant questions: What possibilities might unfold in our own lives if we dared to question norms around gender, sexuality, and relationships? How might we create space for greater vulnerability and closeness if we examined our learned discomforts and hang-ups? And indeed, what does this mean when it comes to what constitutes a family?
Friends as family
What happens when friends become family? The story of Natasha and Lynda, two law professors who forged an unconventional parenting partnership, offers another striking example of how reimagining relationships can create new loving, supportive family structures.
When Natasha, a single woman, decided to have a child on her own via sperm donation, her friend and colleague Lynda spontaneously volunteered to be her “birth coach.” Lynda poured herself into supporting Natasha through her pregnancy and the birth of her child, Elaan. The birth was a complicated one; a knot in Elaan’s umbilical cord led to him being born with disabilities. In those early days, Lynda and Elaan formed an unbreakable bond.
Though not romantically involved, the two women fell into co-parenting Elaan, with Lynda helping make major decisions about his medical care. After five years, they sought legal recognition of their family. Despite hurdles along the way, Lynda was eventually recognized as Elaan’s second parent. The court affirmed that what mattered was not romance between the adults, but the substance of Lynda’s relationship with Elaan.
Their story challenges the notion that the nuclear family anchored by a married (heterosexual) couple is the only path to stability for children. Historically, the two-parent ideal has excluded many – from single mothers to immigrants to LGBTQ individuals, who innovated family constellations out of necessity and love. Research also suggests that warmth and support within a family matters more than who makes up the structure. While unplanned co-parenting is often a plan B, when platonic parenting is built on deep friendship, it has unique strengths in greater equality, flexibility, and stability. As Lynda says, the key is the chemistry between the individuals involved. Where love exists, there are many ways to make a family.
Growing older together
What does it take to adapt and thrive in life’s later decades? The story of Inez and Barb, two friends who have shared a home for over 20 years, paints a vivid picture of how deep platonic bonds can provide joy, support, and caregiving in old age.
The two women first clicked on a trip to Washington D.C. in the 1960s, when Inez was escaping an unfulfilling marriage with her two young sons. Barb, unable to have children of her own, quickly bonded with Inez’s boys. When Inez later moved to Phoenix for a fresh start, Barb opened her home to the family for six months. Though living separately, they functioned as a family unit, sharing holidays, inside jokes, and the joys and trials of raising kids.
Decades later, as Barb faced retiring alone, she realized Phoenix wasn’t a good place to grow old alone. She and Inez bought a house together back in their hometown. It was the beginning of an intentional Golden Girls arrangement. Pooling resources has allowed the friends to stay in their own home – a rarity for single elderly women. More importantly, it’s given them steady companionship and a devoted caregiver at arm’s reach.
Over the years, the duo has weathered grief, health scares, and the indignities of aging together with grace and humor. They’ve shown up for friends in need and grappled with end-of-life paperwork to ensure the other is protected. Far from feeling burdened, both cherish the chance to give and receive loving care.
Their story illustrates how vulnerable many seniors become as they deal with vanishing social support, and unstable finances. But it also spotlights an unconventional way forward: deep friendships that are cultivated across decades can blossom into chosen families that provide care and comfort in our last decades. The soul-sustaining power of enduring platonic love may just be the key to navigating life’s final chapters with serenity and grace.
Grieving lost friends
There are many touching books, movies, and stories about the tragedy of losing a long-term romantic partner. But what happens when we lose a profound friendship or it changes form? The story of Joy and her best friend Hannah illuminates the aching, disenfranchised grief that can come from losing a platonic soulmate.
Joy and Hannah had the kind of friendship that defined their adult lives. Geology majors who became besties in college, they were inseparable despite living far apart – until Hannah’s devastating cancer diagnosis at age 34. Over the next six years, as Hannah fought ovarian cancer, Joy became her champion and caregiver, joining her for treatment in New York, planning fundraisers, and eventually holding her hand in hospice.
Though not related by blood or marriage, Joy and Hannah were a team in the deepest sense, sharing jokes, adventures and life’s biggest moments. When Hannah died on her son’s 11th birthday in 2017, Joy felt she had lost her anchor and an irreplaceable part of herself.
Yet because their bond defied conventional labels, the depth of Joy’s grief went unrecognized. Friends and family urged her to move on, as if she was mourning an acquaintance rather than the person she loved most in the world. Employment policies and practices, too, fall tragically short when it comes to bereavement, with leave offered to spouses and immediate family, not friends, regardless of how close they were. Joy returned to work just days after Hannah’s death.
As Joy says, “I feel like I can’t let it go because if I do, I’m letting her go. I want to think about her every single day.” Years later, she still feels the loss of the future she and Hannah had imagined as they grew old together. She doubts she will ever again feel so cherished by another person.
Joy’s experience reflects the disenfranchised grief that comes when a loss isn’t openly acknowledged or supported by others. Because we lack rituals and recognition for mourning friends, the bereaved often suffer alone, which further compounds their pain. This is another reason for encouraging more dialog around different forms of non-romantic relationships. The beauty of these rare, indefinable bonds is worth being celebrated. And it’s worth the risk of one day having to mourn them.
Legalizing friendship
What would the world look like if committed friends had the same rights and responsibilities as spouses? The story of Amelie and Joan, non-romantic life partners who have shaped their lives around their friendship, offers a powerful glimpse into it.
As a longtime LGBTQ activist, Amelie has seen firsthand how the lack of legal recognition for same-sex relationships has led to devastating consequences, like partners being excluded during medical crises. Even after gaining the right to marry, Amelie felt the institution’s limits; she wanted to build a life with Joan, whom she considers family, but not as her spouse.
The law makes it difficult for devoted friends like Amelie and Joan to care for each other. When Joan was battling cancer, Amelie was by her side for every treatment, but had to constantly justify her role as caretaker. They’ve since spent thousands on legal paperwork to designate rights that marriage automatically grants.
The problem isn’t just that friendship is invisible in the eyes of the law. It’s that the law privileges marriage above all other relationships, creating a stark gap between the married and unmarried. But marriage is a poor proxy for the functions that really matter: emotional, physical, and economic support.
This is why some legal scholars propose two key reforms: create an alternative to marriage that any two adults can enter, regardless of the nature of their bond. In addition, strip away any marital benefits that are irrelevant to its core purpose of assuring mutual emotional, physical, and economic support.
But the solution shouldn’t just be a legal one. A cultural shift must happen in order to validate and nurture a wider range of relationships. We need stories, songs, and rituals that celebrate profound platonic love. And we need to bring more intention, vulnerability, and commitment to our own friendships. When we open ourselves to their full potential, we expand our sense of what’s possible.
In the end, the question isn’t just what we’d gain by recognizing friendship. It’s what we lose by prizing romantic partnership above all else, treating it as the blueprint for a full life. The extraordinary friendships in this Blink light the way to a world of richer connection, inviting us to forge our own paths to love.
Conclusion
Romantic partnership does not have to be the most meaningful relationship in our lives. From friends who are platonic life partners or co-parents, to those who’ve built intentional families in older age, there are countless examples illustrating that platonic friendship can be just as profound, committed, and life-defining as marriage.
Reimagining our relationships allows us to expand our views around sex, partnership, and romance, and lead us to greater self-determination. By validating and celebrating the extraordinary potential of platonic bonds, we can forge our own relationship norms and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection.
About the Author
Rhaina Cohen is an NPR producer and editor, known for her award-winning work on the documentary podcast Embedded. A prolific writer and journalist, Cohen’s pieces on social connection have been featured in The Atlantic, The Washington Post, and various prominent podcasts and radio shows. She lives with her husband, friends, and her friends’ children.