Thich Nhat Hanh’s lesson for The Art of Communicating

Thich Nhat Hanh’s “The Art of Communicating” offers profound insights into mindful communication. This transformative guide unveils practical techniques to enhance your interactions, fostering deeper connections and understanding.

Ready to revolutionize your communication skills? Dive into this review to discover how Thich Nhat Hanh’s wisdom can elevate your relationships and personal growth.

Genres

Personal Growth, Self Help, Buddhism, Spirituality, Psychology, Communication, Philosophy, Relationships, Religion, Personal Development, Buddhist Life, Interpersonal relations, Self-Improvement, Social Interactions in Relationships, Zen Buddhism, Mindfulness, Happiness

“The Art of Communicating” delves into the essence of mindful communication. Thich Nhat Hanh emphasizes the importance of presence and awareness in our interactions. He introduces key concepts like deep listening and loving speech, demonstrating how these practices can transform our relationships.

The book explores the four elements of effective communication: truthful speech, affectionate speech, helpful speech, and harmonious speech. Thich Nhat Hanh provides practical exercises to cultivate these elements, such as mindful breathing and walking meditation.

He addresses common communication challenges, offering strategies to overcome them. The author stresses the significance of self-communication, arguing that understanding oneself is crucial for connecting with others.

Thich Nhat Hanh also discusses the impact of technology on our communication habits, suggesting ways to maintain mindfulness in the digital age. The book concludes with guidance on applying these principles in various contexts, from personal relationships to professional settings.

Review

“The Art of Communicating” stands out for its accessible approach to a complex subject. Thich Nhat Hanh’s writing style is clear and engaging, making profound concepts easy to grasp.

The book’s strength lies in its practical applicability. Each chapter offers exercises that readers can immediately implement, allowing for tangible improvements in communication skills.

While the principles are rooted in Buddhist philosophy, they’re presented in a way that’s relevant to readers of all backgrounds. This universality enhances the book’s appeal and usefulness.

Some readers might find certain ideas repetitive, as key concepts are revisited throughout the book. However, this repetition serves to reinforce important points and deepen understanding.

The book’s focus on mindfulness as a foundation for communication is particularly valuable in today’s fast-paced world. It offers a refreshing perspective on slowing down and truly connecting with others.

One potential drawback is the limited discussion of digital communication. Given the increasing prevalence of online interactions, more guidance in this area would have been beneficial.

Overall, “The Art of Communicating” is a powerful tool for anyone looking to improve their relationships and communication skills. Its blend of spiritual wisdom and practical advice makes it a standout in the self-help genre.

Introduction

Technology allows us to communicate with others through emails, texts, Skype, FaceTime, and Instagram. How could we ever feel lonely when we appear so connected? But in spite of (or perhaps because of) all the digital conversations we have with each other, our core loneliness remains, leaving us more disconnected than ever. It’s time to master mindful communication by listening deeply and speaking lovingly. In doing this, we can become more compassionate and connected with those around us.

Communicating with friends, loved ones, colleagues, and community is an art that must be learned and practiced.

READ THIS BOOK REVIEW IF YOU:

• Care about having more meaningful and effective conversations
• Aren’t a good listener
• Want to navigate the ups and downs of a long-term relationship

Authentic communication through technology is possible, but it requires that you practice the same kind of mindful preparation and processes that make face-to-face conversations meaningful.

It begins with mindful breathing and attention to the conversations inside yourself. Once you master this, you’re capable of communicating with and understanding others. Your capacity to listen deeply and speak lovingly will grow, fostering compassion and reducing suffering in you and others.

Have you ever asked yourself what could be the biggest problem in any of your relationships, whether at home, work or with your closest friends? It could be that your communication is unhealthy.

What does that even mean, though?

Author Thich Nhat Hanh explains what kind of communication is good for you and which kind should be avoided. He shows that in order to communicate well with another person, you first need to understand yourself. However most of us rarely communicate with ourselves which is why we have so much trouble communicating with others.

In this summary of The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh, you will

• start to think about whether you truly understand the people around you; and
• learn how to start your work day off right.

Communicating With Yourself

You must first find your way home to yourself. If you can’t communicate with yourself, you won’t be able to communicate with other people. This starts with your breath. Mindful breathing allows you to let go of your fears, worries, and regrets while keeping you in the present moment.

To practice mindful breathing, breathe in and be aware that you’re breathing in. Then breathe out, being fully aware that you’re breathing out. In doing this, tensions disappear, and clarity is possible. Mindful breathing takes only a few minutes, and you can enjoy this release many times during the day.

In addition, practicing mindfulness while you walk gives you a chance to check in with yourself and the earth at the same time. It doesn’t require an app or an Outlook appointment reminder. Just feel your footfall and the ground beneath you with each step.

Our minds are usually monopolized by trying to rewrite the past, focusing on the future, or worrying about what people think about us. However, when you practice mindful breathing, you can put away thinking entirely. These moments that bring you back home to yourself require that you stop talking by putting your phone away and stop thinking by putting your anxiety away.

While breathing mindfully, if you feel your fears and sadness arise, acknowledge them without judging them. This is a time to accept these emotions, not to ignore them. In accepting your suffering, you enlarge your capacity for compassion.

The Keys to Communicating With Others

It helps to know that we all have a “Buddha” inside ourselves. It’s your best, most wise self, and you should try to behave in a way that reveals this Buddha self. Also remember that there’s a Buddha in every other person. In Vietnam, as in many Asian cultures, people greet each other with a bow to acknowledge the other’s Buddha self. It was not until the French arrived that the Vietnamese adopted the odd habit of shaking hands as Westerners do. When you shake hands and greet another person, imagine yourself acknowledging their Buddha self and actively engage your own as well.

The first key to communicating with others is to practice deep listening. This means that you hear others without judgment and allow them to express whatever they’re feeling. If you respond with judgment or anger, you’ve stopped listening. Don’t try to correct their perceptions, misunderstandings, or accusations — just listen. The time for providing them with helpful information will come later. Your goal in deep listening is to give the other person an opportunity to reduce their suffering. To really know or love another person, you must learn about their suffering.

The second key to communicating with others is to use “loving speech,” also known as “right speech.” This means that you tell the truth in a loving way. Your goal in doing this is to increase understanding and compassion.

The four guidelines for right speech are:

1. Tell the truth. If the truth seems hurtful, find a compassionate way to tell it, so that the other person hears you without feeling threatened.
2. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t make things sound worse or better than they really are. By not being truthful, you can destroy the trust that’s necessary for a relationship.
3. Be consistent. Don’t change your story to suit your audience. The Vietnamese call this speaking in a forked tongue, and it causes suffering on all sides. You may feel that there’s an advantage to saying one thing to one person and something else to another, but this causes division and is often hurtful.
4. Use peaceful language. Don’t humiliate, shame, or abuse another person with your language. Don’t speak in a way that is toxic or hateful.

To make sure you’re using right speech, be aware of the other person’s perspective and understanding of the world.

The Six Mantras of Loving Speech

One way to communicate to others how much you care about them is to recite mantras of loving speech. A mantra is a sentence that’s designed to bring happiness. Thich Nhat Hanh provides six mantras of loving speech; this summary includes four of them:

1. “I am here for you.” Being truly present for another person is the greatest gift, as it requires nothing from the other person.
2. “I know you are there, and I am very happy.” At times, you may have your head in the clouds when spending time with loved ones, and this may make them feel ignored or unloved. This mantra lets your loved ones know that their presence makes you happy. It also reminds you of how lucky you are to have them in your presence.
3. “I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.” Because you’re mindful, you’re aware when your friend is suffering, and you can provide them relief with your compassion.
4. “This is a happy moment.” Be present and don’t miss those happy moments with others. Notice how lucky you are to have each other, and say it.

Said with love, these mantras can change a situation, reduce tension, connect you with others, and bring you home to yourself.

When Difficulties Arise

It’s a mistake to try to communicate with others when you’re angry, but unfortunately, anger is often a motivator for communication. When you’re angry, you may feel unable to use loving speech. If this is the case, it’s far better to sit with your anger for a while, practice mindful breathing, and try to find where your anger comes from. Don’t suppress this anger, but let it simmer down.

When you’re ready, approach the person who caused your anger. Remember that when two people who care about each other have a disagreement, disappointment, or misunderstanding, both are suffering. But communicating will lessen the suffering of both. Acknowledge the unhappiness and then explain your intentions to relieve suffering and your desire to listen and understand.

Compassion can help heal and restore many types of relationships. Healing the wounds caused by family is very difficult, and without loving communication, the suffering can cycle through generations. It’s impossible to change your siblings, your parents, or the past, but you can look at their suffering and at least feel compassion for them. Reconciliation might be possible if you first practice mindfulness, understand the nature of your own suffering, and then reach out to others and ask them about their suffering.

Long-term relationships with people other than family also present challenges. You shouldn’t try to change your partner, but you can be in control of the change you seek for yourself. When you’re experiencing difficulties with your partner, practice mindfulness and breathe mindfully. When you’re ready, make yourself available for deep listening without judgment or correction. Give yourself time to respond to all your partner’s information and wait for the right time to give feedback with loving speech.

Following the same rules of deep listening and right speech can help reduce suffering in situations involving political and religious differences. If peace talks required negotiators to practice mindful breathing, the parties might be more open to listening to each other with understanding and compassion.

Citizens who practice right speech and deep listening can train their fellow citizens to do the same. Together, our compassionate communication skills can make a difference in larger communities and ultimately make the world a better place.

Mindful Communication at Work

Rather than spending your commute to work rehearsing what will happen when you arrive, practice mindfulness and stay in the present moment. In doing this, you’ll arrive at work ready to greet your colleagues instead of walking right past them because you have so much on your mind. You’ll be calm and centered, which helps create an environment where right speech and deep listening are possible.

Be an example to your colleagues of what mindfulness can do to reduce stress and improve communication. Find a space in your workplace where everyone can practice mindful breathing. Include a time for the group to sit quietly for a few minutes at meetings. If that’s not possible, make sure to take time for your own mindful breathing before you attend a meeting. Look at every meeting as an opportunity for right speech and deep listening.

Even in day-to-day work tasks, you can practice mindful communication. Work requires communication through phones, email, and other technologies, and information can come at you so quickly that you feel distracted and irritable. A good practice is to take several mindful breaths before answering the phone or reading an email. It may take longer to get through your inbox, but you’ll be a more effective communicator as a result.

Practices for Compassionate Communications

The author lays out several everyday tips and habits to make yourself mindful, compassionate, and more likely to sustain healthy relationships. These tricks include:

1. Program your computer to sound a bell at intervals to remind you to stop what you’re doing and practice mindful breathing.
2. Take time out to enjoy a cup of tea and spend that time truly enjoying the tea.
3. Establish a peace treaty with someone you love that provides rules for when one of you is angry. These rules might include a waiting period, meeting, apology, or discussion.
4. Practice “flower watering.” In this formal process, you take turns expressing authentic, truthful appreciation for another person. You express regret for any hurtful behavior and use loving speech. Listen deeply as the other person has their turn.
5. Try a hugging meditation: Bow to the other person. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with this person 300 years in the future. Take three deep breaths, cherishing the moment. Smile, open your arms, and hug for three deep breaths. This practice shows how much you cherish each other and allows both of you to begin anew.

We communicate using two kinds of speech: nourishing and toxic speech.

From personal relationships to multibillion dollar business deals, healthy communication is vital. But what exactly is “healthy” communication?

It’s best to think of communication like food. Some of it is nourishing, and some is toxic and poisonous.

Nourishing speech is understanding and positive, while toxic speech fills people with negative emotions like anger and frustration.

Imagine you’re waiting for feedback on a project, when your boss comes in and says, “This is absolutely terrible. You’re a useless waste of space.” That would certainly be toxic speech.

On the other hand, if she said, “I think there are some things we could improve here,” that would be nourishing speech. You could use it constructively.

So, how can you work more on your nourishing speech, and develop a healthier communication style?

The first step is to understand your own way of communication. You have to practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness means fully concentrating on yourself, your body and your breathing. It allows you to communicate clearly without judgement.

When you’re in a mindful state, you’ll feel detached, which allows you to examine your communication objectively. You’ll realize some things you might want to say are toxic, so you’ll be able to stop yourself before you say them.

Mindfulness also helps you become immune to the toxic speech of others. When you’re being mindful, you can judge people less. You will understand them, and see that their toxic speech really is a result of their suffering. You’ll feel more compassionate, so you’ll know not to take their hurtful words personally.

So, to make sure your conversations are healthy and nourishing, practice being mindful.

If you want to communicate well with others, you have to communicate with yourself first.

You probably spend a good portion of your day communicating with others, whether it’s in person or online. But how much time do you spend communicating with yourself? Probably very little.

Communicating with yourself is essential for mindfulness, which means it’s also essential for healthy communication.

You communicate with yourself when you listen to your own mind and body. It can be as simple as sitting down and concentrating on your breathing.

When you do this, you’ll be able to focus completely on the moment, not the past or the future. Just you, your health and your emotional state at the time.

This is especially helpful when you’re suffering, because the reasons for our suffering are not always immediately apparent. You’ll get more in tune with what’s wrong in your mind or body.

When you master the art of communicating with yourself, you’ll get better at communicating with others in a nourishing way. Understanding your own thinking allows you to understand it in others.

Picture, for example, a person who is unhappy and feels unable to improve her state. Let’s say she’s suffering due to problems in her relationship, but can’t put her finger on what exactly it is that upsets her.

What she needs is mindfulness. If she can understand her own suffering (that she’s upset because her partner doesn’t take care of the house, for example), she’ll feel more compassion for his suffering (maybe that he’s overworked and too exhausted when he comes home).

So mindfulness will endow her with a deeper understanding of her partner. She’ll be better able to use loving and nourishing speech to work towards finding a solution with him. We can’t communicate effectively with others until we get in touch with ourselves first.

Listen to the suffering of others, to help them feel better.

Have you ever discovered something completely new about a long-term partner? Something you can’t believe you missed?

We don’t always fully understand people we’re close to. This is often because we don’t listen to each other.

Sometimes our minds are just somewhere else when our partner is talking. Your spouse might be describing a serious problem in your marriage, but you’re thinking about cleaning the pool or paying the electricity bill.

Even when we do listen to our partners, sometimes we interrupt them to say why we think they’re wrong.

The good news is that there’s a way to solve this: mindful listening. Mindful listening means carefully taking in what others say without judging them.

When someone’s telling you about their suffering, you might be tempted to interrupt them, especially if you want to correct their perceptions. However, this might lead to a discussion where you aren’t truly focusing on their feelings, which is what you should be doing.

Mindful listening also means not blaming the person for anything. For example, imagine you’re listening to a friend whose girlfriend has just left him. Even if you think it was partly his fault, you have to recognize that this isn’t the time to say that, because it’ll make him suffer more.

The purpose of mindful listening is to help the other person, so let them say what they need to. You can correct any misunderstandings they have later.

When the person you’re communicating with sees how much you care about understanding them, that alone will lessen their pain.

You can express your love and appreciation for others by using mantras.

Avoiding toxic speech is essential, but what about nourishing speech? How can we evoke it?

A good strategy for keeping your speech nourishing is to use mantras. Mantras are set phrases that help you express certain emotions. In Buddhism, there are three mantras for letting people know you love and appreciate them.

“I am here for you” is the first mantra. It clearly establishes the base of your love, because you have to be present in someone’s life in order to love them.

Be sure to use the first mantra when communicating with people you care about. Being there for someone is the greatest gift you can give them. If you say this mantra with mindfulness and compassion, they’ll truly appreciate it.

The second mantra is “I know you are there, and I am very happy.” It’s vital to let your loved ones know their presence is important to you.

Imagine you’re sitting next to your partner in a car, for instance. It wouldn’t be unusual in this situation to find yourself thinking about everything except the person next to you. That might make them feel a bit invisible. But if you take the time to let them know you’re paying attention to them, and their presence brings you joy, they’ll feel loved and valued.

You can say the third mantra, “I know you suffer, and this is why I am here for you,” when someone you love is in pain. Like the first mantra, it shows the person you’re there to support them. It also emphasizes that their feelings matter to you, which is a crucial part of mindful listening.

There are three more mantras that help bring you happiness.

The first three mantras focus on helping others suffer less, but your emotions are also important. The next three mantras, discussed here, help bring happiness to you.

The fourth mantra is “I suffer, please help.” Use it to let others know when you need support.

When someone causes us pain, we’re often too proud or afraid to let them know. If someone insults you without realizing it, you might turn away, or act like you don’t need them anymore. You might even try to “punish” the person, consciously or unconsciously.

When you practice mindfulness, however, you’ll be more compassionate. If someone hurts you, you’ll seek to understand why, instead of just shutting them out.

“This is a happy moment,” is the fifth mantra. Sometimes we forget to acknowledge happiness, and this can be a powerful reminder.

When you say this mantra to someone you love, it’ll remind both of you how lucky you are to be together.

It’s important to remember that you don’t need to wait for an unusually special moment to say this. Take time to appreciate smaller things, like the beautiful sunset or the simple fact that you’re both alive.

The sixth mantra, “You are partly right,” is helpful when someone’s criticizing or praising you.

The sixth mantra emphasizes that there are many aspects to a person – some positive and some negative. This mantra allows you to express that you appreciate the other person’s compliments or criticisms, but it also reminds them you have other qualities as well.

Using the sixth mantra will help you keep a good perspective on situations. You’ll be more objective and less judgmental, which is crucial for mindful awareness.

You can also say it to yourself. When someone criticizes something about you, remember it’s just one part of you. Maybe their criticism is partially true, but you can objectively see that it’s not a cause to feel insecure or overly upset, and maybe it’s helpful information.

You can nourish others with loving speech by always being honest and compassionate.

In addition to the six mantras, there’s another important tool for keeping your communication nourishing. It’s called loving speech. Follow these few rules to make sure you use it effectively.

The first rule of loving speech: you must always tell the truth. Following this rule can be tough, especially when the truth is painful. If you speak in a warm-hearted way, though, then telling the truth is healthier – and will feel better – than lying.

Telling the truth might be painful at first, but it builds trust in the long-run. Ultimately, it makes the other person feel safe. If you lie to someone and they uncover the truth later, they’ll be hurt to learn you were dishonest, and they won’t feel secure with you in the future.

Imagine you discover that your best friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her. This news will certainly be painful for your friend, but if you speak to her honestly and compassionately, she’ll suffer less in the end.

To nourish others, you must also understand that all people are different. That means they all need to be spoken to differently.

Each person has their own way of perceiving and coping with the world. When you’re communicating with someone, make sure you’re always doing it in a way they understand.

There’s a story about the Buddha that illustrates this well. A person once asked him where he would go when he died, and the Buddha answered that he wouldn’t go anywhere. Later, another person asked the same question, and he answered differently.

When asked why he gave two different answers to the same question, he replied that he answered depending on the person’s ability to understand. Think, for example, about how you would explain any event in world history to a fifth grader versus an adult.

A group of people can create an effective and satisfying community by practicing mindfulness together.

Mastering healthy and effective communication isn’t just about talking with one other person. We often need to communicate with groups of people, which can be an added challenge.

Many people are confronted with toxic speech at work, for instance. Are you? You can improve toxic environments, such as at your workplace, with mindfulness.

Be a role model for mindfulness, and suggest working on improvements together.

There are simple steps you can take towards improving your work environment. Just changing your thinking during your morning commute will make a difference.

When we’re on the way to work, we’re usually already thinking about what we have to do that day. That means we’re already stressed out when we arrive.

Instead, practice mindfulness on your journey. Focus on your breathing, and enjoying the present moment. You’ll focus better when you finally get there.

We’re usually stressed at work, and that affects our productivity. It’s a good idea to take some time to practice mindfulness with your colleagues. You could get together before a meeting, for instance, and focus on your breathing together. You’ll enjoy the meeting more, and it’ll probably be more productive.

Even if your colleagues don’t want to join you, practice mindfulness yourself. Hopefully at some point they’ll follow your example.

Mindful communities have great power for change in the world. Even if a group of people is united by a strong cause, like environmentalism, they’ll only achieve their goals if their community is strongly connected and has the right energy.

So take the time to practice mindfulness together. Your community will learn to listen to itself, and also the world at large.

Conclusion

The state of calm brought on by mindful breathing is the core of communication, whether it is print, electronic, or face-to-face communication. Becoming an artful communicator begins with taking the time and effort to first understand yourself. Without that loving dialogue that brings you home to yourself, it’s impossible to feel the compassion required to listen deeply to others.

Use loving speech to communicate. Being mindful and appreciative of significant others in your life will remind you of how lucky and happy you are. Staying in the present helps alleviate worries about the future and regrets about the past. And if you fail, you can always begin anew with right thoughts, speech, and actions.

The key message in this book:

Strive to communicate lovingly, by using loving speech. Listen mindfully when your loved ones speak, and practice mindfulness with yourself as well. When you learn to avoid toxic speech and stay honest and compassionate, you’ll build stronger bonds with those around you. You’ll improve, not only your relationships, but also your community at large.

Actionable advice:

Breathe. Listen.

Take time to pause, and focus on the moment. Clear your head and concentrate on your breathing. You can do this anytime, like on your morning commute to work. And be sure to listen, whether you’re listening to a loved one express herself, or just listening to yourself.

About the author

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Buddhist teacher and spiritual leader. His teachings combine early Buddhist traditions with modern Western mindfulness. He has published more than 70 books in English, founded several Buddhist schools, and lectured at Princeton, Columbia, and Cornell universities.

Thich Nhat Hanh was a Buddhist monk from Vietnam. During his life, he published over 100 books, including Anger, which was a New York Times best seller. In 1967, he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Thich Nhat Hanh was a world-renowned Buddhist Zen master, poet, author, scholar, and activist for social change, who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He was the author of many bestselling books, including the classics Peace Is Every Step and The Art of Living. Through his books and retreats at the monasteries he has founded in the U.S., Europe, Asia, and Australia, he became a pre-eminent figure in contemporary Buddhism, offering teachings that are both deeply rooted in ancient wisdom and accessible to all.

Sister Chan Khong is Thich Nhat Hanh’s most senior monastic disciple and lifelong collaborator. A leading force in his engaged Buddhism programs and humanitarian projects, her books include Learning True Love and Beginning Anew.

Sister True Dedication is a former journalist and monastic Dharma Teacher ordained by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Table of Contents

1. Essential Food
2. Communicating with Yourself
3. The Keys to Communicating with Others
4. The Six Mantras of Loving Speech
5. When Difficulties Aries
6. Mindful Communication at Work
7. Creating Communicaty in the World
8. Our Communication is Our Continuation
9. Practices for Compassionate Communication